Encouragement

I talked to C. on the phone yesterday. It's the first time we've spoken since the Great Pick Up Debacle. I didn't know if she was avoiding me or what. Didn't really care there for a while. She did answer my email informing her of my diagnosis and was very supportive. Anyway, she asked a few questions about the diagnosis and the egg donor situation. Toward the end, she said I should go for it. Also, that I've come this far and why should I stop now? This is the first time, through all of this, that anyone told me what they thought I should do or gave me encouragement to go forward. Don't get me wrong, the people who know have been very supportive in a "whatever you decide" kind of way. But C. wasn't around when I felt as though I was sliding toward the edge of the earth so she didn't handle me with kid gloves. And of course she's known for speaking her mind. I love her for that. I've also hated her for that in the past...good with the bad I guess. Even though I've decided to go forward I needed to hear that touch of outside encouragement.

I'm becoming frustrated because I cannot find any information anywhere about single women using donor sperm AND a donor egg. I've found a few mentions of it here and there but no real info. No blogs, articles, anything. There is plenty of stuff out there about couples using either donor sperm or donor egg and in a few cases both, but nothing about the singleton view of things. I know I'm not a pioneer so if anyone out there in blogland knows of any websites, blogs, anything, please, please give me a shout out.

I walked over to the farm and E. was there with the girls. Stretch is in the middle of her first real science project and struggling. E. became a little impatient, Stretch a little attutudy. I think they weren't sure what the expectations for the assignment were. We ended up having a little fun with it and I think Stretch will be successful. It's sort of a taste test with different kinds of soda. I bombed horribly, of course, since I do not drink the stuff. I showed Stretch how to make a table with Word and she did well and seemed to enjoy it. DollFace came back home with me for a while. She's such a sunny soul. When we went back, she was ready to feed cows with Paw Paw, ride the pony with Mark, milk cows with Dad. Full of questions and ready to try everything. I love my nieces and can't wait to bring them a cousin.

The Day After

Procedure went very smoothly and I was impressed with how efficient and skilled everyone was especially after all the trouble I had with doing the preop information on the phone. I woke up from the surgery crying. Not from physical pain. I was aware of crying before I was aware of being awake or where I was. My sadness must run very deep to surface at a time like that.

I do think I stuck my dorky foot in my mouth a few times with Dr. H. And I have to go to his office on Wed. for the follow up and to see if he's gotten any info from Dr. AA. If it weren't for getting that info I probably wouldn't bother with the follow up. I remember I went for the follow up years ago when I had this same procedure and he popped in for 2 minutes and said everything was fine and the pathology was clear. Really no need for an office visit to tell me that.

Dr. H. said that he hasn't gotten a call back from Dr. AA though. I'm disappointed by this. Does Dr. AA think I'm trying to weasel some info out of him? I'm just trying to get some info earlier. I told Dr. H. that I had Dr. AA's email and that he usually answered very quickly. He said to call the office and leave the email address. I keep wondering what both these drs true impression of me is. I'm always saying strange things and making weird jokes or crying when I'm around Dr. H. Mom said that my heart rate and blood pressure went up when Dr. H. came in the room. Of course....he's hot and I have a giant, though harmless, crush on him. Dr. AA probably doesn't even really remember me at this point. But he knows Dr. H. is trying to get info for me and that I chose to have Dr. H. do the surgery rather than him. Soon he will know that I'm getting a second opinion. I don't know why this matters so much to me. It shouldn't matter. They are health care professionals who I pay to care for me. Why do these thoughts keep running around my brain?

I'm going to the Japanese restaurant Shogun and then the comedy club to celebrate a friend's birthday tonight. I'm looking forward to it and cannot wait to have a few laughs and get my mind off my reproductive problems for a few hours.

Procedure Day

Just a few minutes to blog. Hysterscopy, poylpectimy and D & C today. I'm not nervous or scared. The worst has already happened. I told S. that on the phone and she said it was time for me to start scrambling. You know, when you're down in the dumps, then you have to scramble up the hill. So here I am flexing my scrambling muscles. It might look ugly but I'm doing my best.

I have been obsessively looking at profiles of donor egg women online. As much as I say I'm still thinking about it, really I think deep down I've made my choice. I cannot stop this journey. I just can't. I've already got a few favorite profiles, one woman in particular I can't get out of my mind.

Ponderings and Exercise

I registered for the donor egg website so I must be considering this fairly seriously. You cannot look at the profiles without registering. One on hand, how many obstacles will it take to convince me that maybe this is not supposed to happen. On the other hand, I've never been so passionate about anything in my life. Anything. Also, I can't seem to stop. When my ex who became my known donor pooped out on me, the decision was made very quickly to switch to donor sperm. There was no hesitation and I picked a donor very quickly and felt confident it was the right choice. Donor egg is a different story. Is it really that different from adopting?

I told J. at work. She was very kind. Now someone at work will have my back if I fall apart or have random absences for infertility appointments. I hope she holds my secret. I know she will but she is human and this is BIG. Her sister-in-law is currently using a donor egg due to cancer. A few weeks ago, before I found out about my dried up eggs, she said something about this. I remember I was like a laser beam shooting questions at her. Finally, she was like "Dude, I really don't know that much about the situation". (Yes, she really uses the word Dude all the time.) Some sort of foreshadow of things to come? She said today that she'd try to find out some info for me.

I went to the gym tonight and worked out for the first time in a few weeks. I really pushed myself and even when my hips started hurting I didn't want to stop. Level 13 on the bike, I've never gone that high before. I think I could feel the tension and toxins leaving my body. I have a very weird visualization I do when on the bike. I picture the stress and tension leaving my body through my toes. In my head it usually looks like flecks or chunks of black ash that stream out of my big toes as my feet fly around and around. I don't know how I came up with this strategy and I know it's a little nuts but it works for me. Today the tension leaving my toes looked like thick black green sludge about the consistency of molasses. I must keep doing things that are good for me.

Worried

Things I Am Worried About:

-my blood pressure was very high when I went to see Dr. H. about removing the polyp, I'm worried it will be too high for them to do the procedure.
-getting upcoming procedure
-what Dr. H. will tell me during the follow up
-what Dr. AA will tell me during the phone conference
-how to handle second opinion
-second opinion
-going forward with donor egg, if possible
-going forward with some sort of adoption proceedings
-will I be able to sleep tonight
-should I tell a co-worker who I share an office with what's going on
-should I tell my principal
-I don't seem to have much interest in food these days, will binging come back with a vengeance?

And the number one thing I'm worried about tonight---
How will I move forward if becoming a mother is not possible?

Enter....Donor Egg?

Today I'm feeling so much better. Last night, I started thinking about donor eggs, donor embryos and reading about them online. As the thought that I could still pull this off entered my mind, it was the only time in the past week I've felt anything like hope or interest in anything. I KNOW I'm being overly dramatic, I KNOW. But it's how I feel. Also, I think the drugs left my body. Combination of sleeping pill and antidepressant. I don't think it was good for me. Not sure, keeping them both and considering further use. I feel so much better today, but I'm afraid it might be temporary. Quite a few tough things to go through still.

I emailed my mom and asked her if she thought I should consider donor eggs. She responded:
"I can't help but think of when we were trying to get Joy bred. If you remember, she totally refused the male, even got vicious. After several tries, she was examined & found to have constrictions & had to be spayed. Phil said Mother Nature was trying to tell us something. When there's that much trouble conceiving, the pregnancy &/or delivery would have been very difficult, even life-threatening. I"m not saying I don't agree with it. I am saying it needs to be thoroughly investigated before making a decision. As much pain as you're in now, it could be worse. But, it wouldn't hurt to do the investigating & ask both drs. questions & more questions. I also think you need some time to heal from this. I have faith that you will do what needs to be done to make the right decision for you. If you're at all concerned about a child conceived in this way being accepted and loved by us, you really don't need to be at all concerned about that, you know that, right? Be assured we love you so much & it's so hard seeing you hurt like this. We'll do everything we can to help you through this, just let us know how. Please realize you have our total support in whatever decision you make. Does this help?"

I have a great mom.

The appointment with the 2nd opinion is not until March 12. Seems so far away. I've never gotten a second opinion on anything and I'm nervous about it. If #2 has the same finding as Dr. A.A. I'll want to return to Dr. A.A. for further treatment, if any. But he'll know I got that second opinion and will he treat me differently for not trusting him. It's not that I don't trust him, but this is big time shit with my life! Should I email him and explain all this? Or grow up and realize this kind of thing happens all the time.

As usual, my local hospital's right hand doesn't know what it's left hand is doing. They wanted me to call for a health history and to give me instructions. When I called back, I got transferred FIVE times and disconnected TWO times. Finally, I left a message and will try again tomorrow. grrr

School.
For the first time since I became a reading teacher one and a half years ago, I felt impatient with my students this afternoon. Thank you, Infertility. One of the reasons I took the opportunity to leave the classroom was that the stress made me impatient and annoyed with the kids. I have absolutely loved being a reading teacher, teaching in small groups took all the stress away and left only the joy. Granted, it seemed to be a wild day for the whole school. Too much indoor recess and teachers stressed over testing. The morning was good though. Good to be busy and purposeful. Good to have my thoughts on something else besides the dried up raisins that are my eggs. Look...I made a little joke....I must be feeling more myself.

Soup and Fondue

I know things must be bad with me because my mom brought me food today. Broccoli cheese soup. But I didn't eat any. I feel like there's an emergency light in my brain. You should eat something," it flashes. And a while later, "REALLY, you should eat something." "Time to bathe." "Brush your teeth." "These are socially acceptable basics, you need to do these things." I used to laugh when people said they were so upset they just couldn't eat. Please....upset usually drives me right to the cookie jar. But now I understand. I could care less. The world passes me by and I don't care much. The polyp in my uterus could be precancerous, oh well. Mealtimes pass by and I don't even notice.

I'm doing better though. I'm on to worrying that the "newness" of this drug will wear off and I'll crash. I'm hoping to be off it in a few weeks when I've made a few decisions.

Weeks ago I made plans to go to the M.elting P.ot with my yayas. They all seemed to think it was still a good idea for me to go. So I went because I had to. I have to carry on with normal activities. I have to. I felt like I was a far away spectator or watching outside my body. I can't really say it was fun but I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to my amazing friends for trying to drag me back from the edge. Even though I didn't feel normal at all, it was good to be around "normal".

Thank God for Drugs

Holding it together better today. I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried to get up and moving but I was having a hard time catching my breath...couldn't focus or stop crying but I managed to get ready for work. And I took the first anti-depressant. It's a miracle drug as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how it worked so fast, placebo effect or whatever, don't really care. Halfway to work, the being on the edge feeling stopped. I suddenly didn't feel like I was holding back hysteria with a very thin veneer of sanity. The urge to cry stopped. I was able to hold it together. I still don't really care about anything but I'm so relieved to have the tight, desperate, end of the world feeling abate. I was able to fake my way through the day, even through an afternoon of meetings with my principal. I even managed to fake a few smiles and jokes. I am far from ok. But I feel closer to ok than I have all week.

Last night about 30 minutes after I posted, Mom came over. She hugged me and said all the right things. Even stroked my hair like I was a little kid. She tried to distract me with family gossip. I am so relieved she did that. I wish she could really make it all better like when I was younger.

I'm going to try a sleeping pill tonight. Maybe a real night's sleep will help me. Mom told E. I was in a bad way and "doped up". I guess she's right. I don't want to make these things a habit at all but I need some kind of relief or I will go over the edge.

Can't Stop Crying

I'm thinking of giving up blogging. Thinking of giving up everything. I did manage to make it to work today but I was only faking at functioning. I realize there are worse things in the world, of course. What's going on in Haiti should be enough to snap me out of it. but I really can't think of a worse thing to have happen to me personally. If I don't stop crying soon, I'll go off the edge. I've never felt like this. Like life as I know it is over. The shine has gone out, never to return. Even as I write that I know it's overly dramatic. Being childless is not the worst thing that can happen, life will somehow go on.

Dr. Hottie is going to remove the polyp. He was actually very encouraging. Damn him. He's going to talk to Dr. A.A. personally. Like that's going to change things. But he thinks he can get my blood test results and some more info before the phone conference which is 3 weeks away. I can't help feeling the journey is over. He gave me some sleeping pills so I may get some relief.

Managed to tell my parents. Even my dad who didn't know anything about any of it. We're not huggers so I didn't expect that. They were both seemed very sad and quiet about the whole thing. My mom left the room for a few minutes at one point, I think she was crying. They did ask a few questions. My dad wanted to know why the dr. wasted my money for a year before getting me to a specialist. Then I had to tell him I was trying on my own with a friend the "natural" way for six months before going to the regular dr. Could not have been more uncomfortable. I know they are sad for me and I think they just didn't know what to say or how to make it better. It was so silent for so long at one point, I said I had to go home for the 7pm cry. My mom followed me out, I think she tried to hug me. Guess she just couldn't go all the way though.

To Sum It Up.

To sum up my day:

Woke up crying, couldn't bring myself to go to work.
Stopped crying, started moping.
Watched TV, started crying again.
Wrote a blanket email to yayas and waited for the Cavalry.
Looked up adoption information.
Looked up other Fertility Clinics in my area
Made an appt. with Dr. Hottie, hoping he can remove polyp and give me some advice.
Thought about how I would talk to Dr. H. without crying.
Wondered if everyday would be touched with sadness from now on.
Wondered if I was being too dramatic.
Read about mini-IVF and felt like I was grasping at straws in desperation.
Cried some more.
Picked up DollFace.
Hid my pain from my bro when he picked her up.
Wondered how I would tell my family.
Breathed in and out all day long.

I think I got a lot done. Don't you?
Thank you everyone for your comments. They were all very encouraging to read.

Devastated

Ultrasound found 3 total follicles and a cyst on my uterus. Dr. not recommending moving forward with IVF as it would only have a 6% chance at best. He said donor egg would be the best chance.

My worst thought has come true. I am, indeed, too old and fat to become pregnant.

The shine has gone out of everything. I'm devastated.

Not sure how I'll face the world tomorrow.

Flood

Last night I dreamt there was a flood and my house floated away. I kept trying to reach my stuff but just as I would get close enough to touch an item it would drift out of my reach. Don't need Freud to anaylize this one. I woke up with a flood in my pants. Alarmingly heavy flow. Icky way to start the day.

I have spent a gloomy and anxiety ridden day. I go to the new dr. for ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow. I'm terrified he'll say something like, "You are way too fat and old to have a baby and there are no eggs anyway, what made you think it was even a good idea to try?" Add the probability of getting lost on the way to a new place in the big city. Oh and let's not forget dropping trou for a person I've never met before while the crimson flood is aflowin.

I've literally been having these thoughts all day. I have to find a way to push them aside and have more positive thoughts. I did finally go outside and take a walk, even though it is pretty cool and cloudy today. The only thing that started me moving was the thought that maybe exercise today would make my blood pressure a little lower tomorrow. I don't have trouble with my blood pressure but the last few times at the dr. it was very slightly elevated. I do not want to have another thing working against me.

Wellness Workshop tonight. I didn't do my "homework" and I'm sooo not in the mood.

CD 1

Announcing CD 1. Just emailed the Fertility Posse. Very high on the ick factor having to share stuff like this. I'm getting used to it but still very modest.

Dad came over to help me hang some things and put together furniture. Now just need to hang a few things on the wall and arrange things.

Coffee Table Talk, Anyone?

Didn't get my butt moving until noon but spent the afternoon and evening shopping. I went by myself for a change and it felt good to make choices on my own. I was able to be very focused. Picked out some dining chairs, coffee table/ottoman, and some things to hang on the walls around here. I had the hardest time finding a coffee table. Many of them were too large or too plain or too fancy. I finally chose a small, leather ottoman with a hinged lid and storage. Too tired now to unload it but can't wait to see what it will look like. I've been here two and a half years but there are still some blank walls. Since this was my grandma's house, it took a while to be able to change things a lot. I just painted this past summer and it will be good to see some finishing touches.

Yet another reason that it would be great to get pregnant, then I'd feel comfortable spending savings on a desperately needed kitchen remodel rather than hoarding it for fertility treatments. As if the burning desire and NEED to be a mother weren't enough....a new kitchen could hang in the balance. Not having a dishwasher sucks.

I had some spotting in the afternoon. I'm hoping tomorrow will be CD 1 for sure and I won't have vague spotting/light flow which confuses me. Is it CD 1 or not? Is the flow heavy enough to "count" or should I wait another day to proclaim it CD 1? My own body makes me feel like a moron sometimes.

Pick Up Problem

Half day of school for parent/teacher conferences. Then lunch with coworkers which I needed because I feel distanced sometimes now that I'm not a classroom teacher. Lots of laughs. BTW my roller derby name? PaigeofPain!

Then I show up to pick up DollFace. But she's not there. The teacher says she didn't come to school today. That means my scatterbrained SIL did not bother to contact me and tell me that DollFace didn't go to school. I felt like a fool. I do not get mad very often but I was furious. We had a short, clipped phone call. Which began with lame excuses, "We've had a lot going on, Stretch is going to need two surgeries" and which ended with her saying "Yes Ma'am" sarcastically. No apology, no promises that it will never happen again. More furious from me.

I found out later that E. was actually taking Stretch to the dr. And...hello....it only takes 60 seconds to make a phone call. There's really no excuse. I really want to back out of picking her up, but anything like that will punish the child not the adult. And I could see C. pulling her out of the program completely if it became to inconvenient and DollFace needs all the academic support she can get. She's not behind but she's not where I think she should be either. Education is just not a priority in C.'s mind and for me that is a huge problem.

When I talked to E. about it he was annoyed and,I think, embarrassed. He agreed to call me if she misses school IF, he knows about it. I feel very badly for DollFace. She has so much potential, it's not fair for her to begin her school career without the proper support.

Stretch broke her left index finger and will need a surgery to put pins in on Monday. She was playing volleyball and a boy jumped up and came down on her hand with his elbow. Not sure how this happened but for now she has a temporary cast. She seemed kind of excited when she was telling me all about it. Her permanent cast will be blue. She's already milking it for attention. She's a lefty and will have a hard time writing, etc.

Binging

I have been eating out of control all day. Too much. Of the wrong thing. Way too much. I knew I wanted to blog about it but when I got home I kept thinking, "I'm so tired, I'll just skip blogging tonight". So the dodge and perry is still in full swing but I'm here, writing. Now my stomach is uncomfortably full and it's late so I'll have to go to bed on it.

Not really sure why the eating went out of control. I've been off my normal schedule all week, actually for two weeks and I know that getting out of routine is very bad for my eating. I'm weary and worn out from thinking baby-making related thoughts. A couple of mildly dysfunctional encounters with family has made me wonder if I've over estimated the nurturing environment I thought I was bringing a child into. I haven't exercised all week, that always drives me closer to the edge.

My constant hope is that when they do the ultrasound, they will find youngish looking ovaries. Some people have said to me that I look younger than my age but what about my insides? What is the effect of over 100 extra pounds over almost 20 years on ovaries.

Why can't I make choices that will make me feel good? What is stopping me? I certainly DO NOT enjoy feeling this way. A rambling post....I don't even know how to write about this, much less resolve my weight problems through blogging.

Calmer Day

I'm feeling calmer about the whole, entire baby making enchilada. Not sure what happened overnight, not much sleep, that's for sure, but I'm not obsessing over it as I have the past few days. I cannot do anything about what has happened in the past. Yes, I've allowed time to pass by until it may be too late for children, I've wasted time using an unreliable known donor, I've stupidly trusted a doctor because he was nice to me. I've gained weight, so much that it will probably effect fertility. I cannot do anything about that today. Today, I'm able to think that perhaps things aren't so bad and wait for test results. I can only move forward in the best way I know how.

Dr. All-American sent me articles pertaining to the tests I'll have coming up shortly. I didn't think I'd like the experience of a phone consult but with the email follow up it was ok. I could read and reread the articles, think about them and email any questions instead of having to rack my brain for every question while the dr. is right there staring at me. I have to say when the dr. answered my email within an hour and it was really him, NOT an office person...I think I fell in love a little.

Picked up DollFace after school and she cried and cried for her Momma until she fell asleep in the car. A crying four year old can make one feel so inadequate.

Crazy week at school. First of all, coming back after 2 snow days and a weekend was very tough, tougher than coming back after Christmas vacation. I was exhausted from the time I woke up. Then two days of on site professional development where my schedule was all out of whack. Today I was helping the pregnant sub with assessments and 1/2 day dismissal, meetings in afternoon. Tomorrow I'll be at the university for ISAT training focusing on writing, then parent/teacher conferences allll evening. Thank God, three hours of conferences on Friday and then off in the afternoon. I just realized I haven't seen children all week, makes me miss them and having a regular schedule.

I'm thinking about going completely rogue and tossing out any weight related activities having to do with numbers. Even thinking about it brings on a freeing feeling. No more tracking food or fitness, measuring, weighing, counting and including the big kahuna, the SCALE. I feel lighter just thinking about it. Doing all that stuff is akin to asking an alcoholic to work at a bar. When I'm being really dedicated, it takes up a lot of time and mental energy. And....usually I'm only dedicated until noon or so. Instead I would do what I know to be good for my body. Just make those healthy choices. Sounds so easy, doesn't it? hahahhahaha

Phone Consultation

Phone consultation with Dr. All-American. My first time talking to him. He was very nice but not all that hopeful. He recommends coming in on CD 2 or 3 for blood test and ultrasound to determine number of follicles and then moving toward IVF. He stressed that one needs a "good" quantity as well as quality of eggs and those two things go down as a woman ages. He said this multiple times and now I'm really fretting that I won't have what it takes to become pregnant. He would not outline any further treatment until he has those results.

Dr. Hottie was always so encouraging and hopeful on my behalf. Or maybe I projected that onto him because I WANTED to be encouraged and given hope. I asked him more than once if he thought I was running out of time and he always answered that he didn't think I was. Did I trust him too much?

How the prayers have changed over time. I used to pray that I'd get preggers...just get preggers that's all. Then I had to start praying for eggs to actually show up to the party. Now I'm desperately praying for good quality eggs and enough of them. I keep thinking...someone has to be the childless spinster, not everyone can have a miracle and wondering if that will be my role in life. I'm really very worried and sad about it all.

Another One

Another teacher announced she was preggers today. Well, not announced but let the school grapevine do it's faster-than-lighting magic. Did I mention that even though I'm not pregnant I have an elaborate plan as to how I would reveal the news at work? Or that I've pictured it in my head a thousand times, a million maybe? Also, that I have similar fantasies about how I would reveal the news to every human I know.

Did I neglect to tell you that 6 women were pregnant at my school last year? I'm very sick of hearing the tired, old joke of "don't drink the water". I WISH it were water that could make this miracle happen. I'd be guzzling it and bathing in it.

The teacher who is newly pregnant is a sub for a maternity leave and she's very overweight like me. The bitterness is rusting me from the inside out.

I'm teetering on the precipice of "there's no hope but there's still a chance". Phone consultation with Dr. All-American tomorrow. I've never had a phone consult before. Very wide wide mixture of feelings going on. Underlying all is the hope that I don't really need the consult because I am already pregnant which is getting fainter and fainter day by day.

Wellness Workshop tonight. The facilitator said that I was "profound" ha. That it is good that I'm aware that I need to replace the comforting effect of food but that I should try to "BE" with the pain and that I should work on self-soothing techniques. Great...I'll get right on that. Seriously, I will be trying...because I have to. Our other homework is to create a time line of milestones in our lives including traumas and "development of issues". The thing is ... I've had a really happy life. I will do this assignment but there's some connection that I'm desperate to make and my mind/soul/whatever just won't go there. I've never had anything truly, truly horrible happen to me that I can attribute the weight gain to. Whatever I'm hiding from must be pretty deep and pretty horrible. Or I've just never learned to cope with the discomfort of emotions....

Stretch is 12 today. Happy Birthday! I remember how amazed I was on the day you were born. You were so tiny and fragile yet strong. You've brought such joy into our family. Enjoy your last year of being a kid. You're beautiful and special. I know you can't wait to get there but the teen years are a confusing, wonderful, torturous mess so enjoy this last year of kidhood.

Little Blessings

My pastor and his wife have decided to allow the addition of as many little blessings to their family as God sees fit to bestow. In church today the pastor announced that his wife gave birth a week ago. To their fifth child. He delivered it. In their car. Everyone is doing well.

Congratu-freaking-lations.

Where's MY little blessing??? I only want one....where is it?

Plummet

My frame of mind took a plummet today. Not all the way to the bottom of the well, but further down than I've been in a while. This two week wait is dreadful. 7 days and there are absolutely no messages from the Uterus Files. I feel as normal as can be...as empty as usual. My mind constantly murmers...there's still hope, there's still hope as it tries to convince me that I WAS feeling a twinge, a tiny gurgle of nausea. While at the same time urging me NOT to get my hopes up.

Earlier today, I stumbled upon a phrase that helped the plummet. Advanced Maternal Age (AMA). I don't know how I avoided this phrase up until now. I've never encountered it before but I think it's horrible. Sounds like Advanced Fill In Uncurable Disease Here to me. The usual obsessive thoughts are joined by the return of the disbelief that I've let childlessness go on this long.

I keep wondering if this will ever happen for me and if I can go on in life if it doesn't.


DollFace is here for the night. Big sis is having a big kid slumber party to celebrate her 12th (12!!) Birthday so we're having our own slumber party of two to include cookie making, movies, popcorn perhaps even a tea party. I'm greatful for the distraction.

League of OB Handsomeness

2nd Snow Day in a row. Used it to google the new fertility specialist. Hubba hubba! Verrrrrry good looking. He really looks like an All-American Hero. I hope my legs don't spontaneously fly apart when I meet him...I'm thinking I could get preggers just by looking at him. My regular OB who has been helping me up until now is very good looking too. It's like an OB League of Handsomeness. They run around wearing capes and superhero utility belts carrying speculums and vials of sperm thwarting infertility villians and making baby dreams come true.



I also googled my regular OB. And I found the most adorable picture of him holding a newborn at the hospital. It was one of those photo galleries that people can put online to share with their families. I've become obsessed with thoughts of this photo. The baby boy is so cute and the doc looks so handsome. It's weird and psycho I know... This is someone's actual photo from someone's actual life. Can't help but wish it was my baby, and my photo. I'm not really on the edge...I've banned the site so as not to obsess any further.

Too much time alone with my thoughts, I guess.

Still no symptoms.
Friday weigh in: 324

Uterus Files And Unforseen Crying Jag

I cannot stop thinking about my uterus or trying to feel symptoms. I wish for one minute...just 60 seconds of uterus-free thinking. No matter what I do, the thoughts pervade. Was that a cramp? Am I especially tired? Boobs sore? What cycle day is this? What cycle day will it be when I have the consultation with the specialist? Will I feel anything by then? Will I be taking down the Christmas tree next January with a baby in the midst of the boxes and tissue paper? (Don't look at me like that you hyperorganized maniacs, yes, I'm just now getting my tree down) My due date would be.... this last is a thought I try to quell..too late... My mind won't quit...round and round and round with the same damm thoughts over and over and over until I could scream.

4 inches of snow and high winds here in the midwest. My school called a Snow Day! Usually this is a thrill I look forward to every year. Oh, the complete and utter joy of a random day off. No excuse not to get the tree down. Also...lots of alone time with few distractions from the constant reruns of The Uterus Files. I spent a good half hour this morning crying "the ugly cry". Not sure what brought it on and I couldn't seem to stop. Disheartening not only because it can put a damper on the whole day but because up til today the past two cycles have been completely tear free. Not even a whimper or a stray tear found me and it was such sweet relief...

I've been a wailing, bawling, blubbering maniac for over a year now. ANYTHING could set me off, from the expected like seeing a baby anywhere doing anything to everyday stuff like popping a button off my blouse. Horrible way to go about life, even if most of the blubbering is medication induced. So the past two cycles have brought some well needed respite. I thought it was because my Dr. really encouraged me at the beginning of the last cycle or because my body was becoming used to the medication or perhaps I'm finally accepting the infertility merry-go-round. I truly didn't care why...it felt so good to not be constantly on Weep Alert.

Hoping this morning's crying jag was a fluke. Looks like another snow day tomorrow. More time alone with my thoughts......

Response From My Body

Dear Paige,

Thank you for your letter. While I am happy to carry you through life, until the end of your life, I beg you to remember that the strength, health and healing that you enjoy now will not last forever. These "good times" will come to an end quickly if you do not begin to value me as well as take care of yourself emotionally and spiritually.

You should also realize that while you have done lots of "bad" things to me, you have also done many, many good things for me. Remember the bazillions of hours of walking and riding bikes you have done, the many healthy home-cooked, well balanced meals you've prepared for me? You take vitamins, try to stay hydrated, brush my teeth, keep me clean and you always get help for me when I'm feeling poorly. And even though you have lost the battle of making me healthier more times than I can remember, you never give up. These are not the actions of a person who hates their body.

I know that even during the darkest times, you are striving and sometimes struggling to achieve a better, happier, more active life for us. You are coming closer and closer to making that connection between physical, emotional, spiritual. It will be a lifelong challenge for you, but I know you are one of the special people who can become and remain successful. Remember that I am just a shell, YOU HAVE GREAT THINGS INSIDE YOU! Never forget that.

Love,
Your Body

PS Perhaps a letter to your heart is in order...she's feeling a little left out.

Dear Body

Dear Body,
I've been asked to write a letter to you as part of a Wellness Workshop that I am taking. I've been asked to be kind... That is not easy for me, Body, since as you know, it is difficult for me to even look at you much less find nice things to say. However, there are some things I like about you. I like that you are healthy and strong yet soft. You have carried me through 38 years in health, healing me when minor health issues arise. I like that when I apply myself I can feel you become leaner and stronger. I like your cute toes and little ears, rosy cheeks and blue eyes. I like the shape of your legs and I think you are the perfect height.

You are amazing in that you tolerate all the hate and abuse I pile upon you. Physically, mental, emotionally. I've given you a rough time, Body and for that I apologize. You have stuck with me, Body, through thick and thin and for that I love you.

Paige

Post IUI Pining

36 hours after IUI and I’ve been up and down the roller coaster of hope a thousand times. Still it is good to have hope after 3 months of eggbert not showing up at all. My instincts are telling me I’m not pregnant but it would be great if my instincts were wrong. Even though I’m attuned to every twinge, I don’t feel a thing in the nether regions…even the full feeling of the IUI has left. 13 more days of these constant thoughts….

First day back at school after vacation. Much less stressful as a reading teacher than a classroom teacher. I’m greatful everyday I was given the opportunity to make the switch. I’m very tired though. No sleep last night and 5:30 alarm this morning. Day’s not over yet, Wellness Workshop tonight.

Eggbert and the Globetrotters

I went to Dr’s office yesterday to get my HcG shot. I felt so guilty asking this nurse to come in on the Saturday after a holiday, I know I shouldn’t because that’s her job and she’s paid to do it but I also know how I would feel in her place. Also, I had to call this poor woman at 8 at remind her to come give me the shot at 9. I know I woke her up… felt awkward.

It was erie in the office without the beehive of activity (confusion?) that is always there. When I got there she asks if I brought the HcG? Umm, NO because THEY were supposed to have it! The nurse started calling around to local pharmacys and after the first three calls, I started to panic internally. I almost get choked up and say…just forget it…not meant to be and maybe I’ll ovulate without it this time. Right, I haven't ovulated on my own for 3 months, but maybe this will be the miracle month... Finally, jackpot… a pharmacy in the next town had it and I flew down there to get it. Whew. But when I get back the nurse says she can’t find my chart! Huh??? How could they have lost something like that?

I got the shot at 10am and had a positive OPK by 5! Eggbert is on his way! I hope he's ready to party with some store bought sperm. Wonder if it’s normal for it to happen so fast. IUI scheduled for 7:30 Sunday and I've been praying nonstop. I didn’t get to sleep until after midnight and then woke up 2 hours early. Again the office was erie and quiet, a different nurse was there. As I lugged in the box with The Tank, she chatters away. Very kind and bubbly nurse…just what I need. Assures me that they do this all the time, nothing out of the ordinary.

When we heard the Dr's key in the lock…the nurse said… The King has Arrived! Too funny! Dr and I made small talk, I stuggled to act like it was a normal, everyday thing, especially difficult because I've really come to admire this Dr…so strange…talking about a local fundraiser when he’s about to knock me up! IUI goes fine, better, I think, than the other one because I actually feel the catheder enter my cervix and the dr says my mucus looks good. Yay, for good mucus! I don’t think those two things happened last time.

And…the nurse found my chart…but my ultrasound results were NOT to be found. I swear for all their knowledge and kindness sometimes I want to shout “Get your freaking act together! Don’t you know the creating of MY family is in your hands?!!”. They assured me it is because of the holiday and the weekend. They will hunt it down and call me with the results on Monday and send my whole chart to the new fertility specialist who I HOPE I won’t need.

If anyone is out there reading…please send some good mojo to me and my eggbert!

Five minutes after I got home, my Dad called and reminded me that we have tickets to take my brother and niece to see The Harlem Globetrotters.

Sweet Georgia Brown! If I am lucky enough to be pregnant I will forever associate the Globetrotters with conception.....

Exciting First Post!

Hello World!
I’ve decided to join the blogosphere. Here’s where I am…
Fertility:
I’m a single gal wanting to become pregnant with donor sperm. Well, wanting is a strong word. What I really wanted was for my knight in shining armor to sweep…you get the picture. I’ve come to terms with the fact that that is not going to happen in time for the happy family scenario to manifest itself and I’ve decided to move forward with my dream of having a family without said prince.

I was able to use a live donor in the form of a friend for about 10 months, however, he became unreliable and really you can only ask a friend to do so much. I’ve moved on to the world of anonymous donor sperm and IUIs. About that time, I suddenly stopped ovulating! My doctor recommended femara plus an hcg injection. The injection happened today and tonight I’m already surging! IUI for 7:30 in the morning! Please send good thoughts our way if you’re reading this.

Obesity:
I currently weigh over 300 pounds. My doctor says that my age is more of a hinderance to becoming pregnant than my weight and he’s always been very kind about it. Last year I lost 60 pounds and then gained about 30 back. I am struggling to figure this out so that I can be healthy for myself and my child.

Work:
I work as a reading interventionist teaching at-risk children. I love it. After 13 years in the classroom teaching Kindergarten and then 2nd grade, I was getting a little burned out. The change to becoming a reading specialist is exactly what I needed and now I can’t wait to go to work...most days.

Family:
I was raised on a farm and I guess it’s pretty unusual that I still live right down the road from our family farm in what was once my beloved grandparents home. My parents, brother and cousins live in the surrounding homes scattered across our farm. I call it The Compound. My mom can see my house across our pasture and believe me that is a blessing as well as a curse. But all in all I’m surrounded with love and a wonderful support system.

Friends:
I have a core group of close friends. We call ourselves the yayas and are each in our own right, intelligent, vibrant, colorful, funny and strong. Thank God, because without them I’d be coocoo for Coco Puffs. For sure.

Guess that’s about it for this exciting first post. How’d I do?