Thinking Positive

My last few posts have sounded almost like I'm expecting a negative outcome. I'm protecting my heart, I guess. There are so many unknowns in this whole process but I have NO reason at all to expect that my dream won't come true. In fact, I have a few reasons to expect that I WILL have a positive outcome.

• I'm healthy
• My dr told me my lining was "perfect"
• I have a young, healthy donor
• My clinic has a very good success rate

Hmmm I thought I'd have a much longer list of reasons to expect a positive outcome...

No matter, I'm going to try to stash away the negative and focus on the positive.

I will get pregnant.

I will get pregnant.

I will get pregnant.

Conference Quandary

I've been proctoring the ISAT test for our third graders all week. My heart goes out to our kids who have been working so hard and are so very serious while taking the test. They know it's a big deal and that they are being asked to prove themselves as representatives of our school. One little boy was so engrossed that when the teacher was walking around monitoring, he didn't notice her until she got very close and then she startled him and he fell out of his chair. However, for me it has been more boring than watching grass grow. Within about 20 minutes of starting the test, I feel the urge to start pacing like a caged animal. By the end of testing the second group of kids, I could scream. It is my sincere hope that our test scores show the hard work and true growth of our students and teachers.

Thank God I got my car back today and turned in the gas-smelling, motor-smoking Mazda van rental. I'm so happy to have that ordeal over with. Her insurance paid for everything but it was a pain in the arse with a lot of phone calls and running around.

I usually don't get opportunities like this but my principal has asked me to go to three different reading conferences. In March, at the end of April and mid July. The mid-March one is about an hour away, no big deal. The other two will require travel by plane and hotel stays and I won't really know where I'll be as far as becoming/being pregnant. I don't want to plan my life assuming I'll become pregnant but I don't want to have to back out at the last minute because of the treatment schedule or a high-risk pregnancy. At the end of April, I'll just be finishing up the cycle before THE cycle. But my period did show up 5 days early this month and until I have an IVF calendar in my hot, little hands I will feel like anything could happen. Heck, anything could happen after I get the calendar, it all seems so uncertain.

Mid-July I'll either be at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy or nursing a disappointed broken heart or trying again. Please, please, please, let me be experiencing pregnancy with all it's joys and trials.

The Same

I had a thought today that things have been mostly the same for me for my whole adult life.

I've been overweight since I was a teen. I attempt to lose weight time and time again but I'm never successful for any length of time.

I have been alone for what adds up to years. I've tried hard to find the love of my life and been in a few relationships but ultimately ended up on my own.

I've lived within a 10 mile radius of where I was born. I've moved three times but I'm now in the home that I'm pretty sure I will live in for the rest of my life.

I've worked at the same school for 13 years. I've had three different positions within that school but my car doesn't know how to drive anywhere else.

And although I've had a deep yearning to be a mother since childhood, I'm still without children.

What if a year from now.....things are still the same.

Surgery for S

S has decided to have gastric bypass. She only weighs a little more than me but she has a myriad of health problems and takes eight medications. She is in pain everyday. She’s been thinking about this surgery for over a year and a half. I’ve known S since we were in first grade. We’ve been fat together for over 30 years. So many memories, from slumber parties and proms to grown up relationship dilemma. We've always been there for each other, literally through thick and thin. S is a beautiful person, inside and out. I'm hoping and praying this surgery will be the answer to all her health problems.

I have considered this surgery many times myself and there is a tiny, horrible piece of me that is jealous of S. I don't want to be left alone here in Fattyworld. I want to lose a ton of weight, physically feel fantastic, have great self-esteem and get to wear cute clothes too! For now, I'll have to stick to the old-fashioned way, tracking food and feeling awful about myself when I'm not able to control my food.

Shazaam

Surprise!
CD 1

5 days early


Shazaam! Everything seems closer now

And to be taking these










The ultimate irony AND a blast from the past. The last time I was on birth control it was the monthly shot. I bet I haven't swallowed a birth control pill for 15 years.

The clinic is driving me a little nuts. I was told to contact Mary when I got my period. Mary handed me off to Sharon. I get an email from Sharon telling me she wasn't sure from the doctor's last notes, was I interested in IUI, with injectables? UMMMM...IS THAT AN OPTION? Have I had a broken heart all these weeks over some sort of miscommunication or misunderstanding?

I wrote her back explaining exactly what my understanding of the diagnosis was and what I thought I was heading toward. She responded that I was exactly right, she just didn't know that I'd made a deposit on a May cycle. Then she called in the birth control prescription and handed me off to yet a third person who will be my coordinator. Sheesh!

I'm so glad to be DOING something.

Confucius Say

I had dinner with my lovely yayas last night. It was sooooo good to have a night of girly giggling and catching up. My fortune cookie said:







"An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly."





Well, I think we all know what I'm translating that to mean. Just replace "alien" with "baby".

I did not tell the girls that I had a cycle on the calendar. They know all the details of what has happened so far and when I was sliding toward the edge they helped snatch me back. My family knows I have a donor and a cycle on the calendar but they don't know exactly when. Perhaps it is foolish of me to keep this secret. I know, I need my support system, I KNOW. They will be the ones right there to pick up the pieces if things don't go my way and perhaps it is unfair to keep it from them but....

I have this dream of becoming pregnant, surprising everyone with a big announcement and becoming enveloped their surprise and joy. I just can't let that go. I've given up hoping for every normal thing, husband, marriage, getting pregnant by conventional means, getting pregnant by high tech means with my own DNA. I've let go of so many damn dreams. Is it too much to ask that I'm able experience the joy of telling my loved ones about my miracle should I be lucky enough to experience one?

I try to convince myself that I'm sparing them some disappointment if my baby isn't able to find me.

I did tell B. today. B. is a friend that I met through an online weight loss forum. I haven't known her very long but I feel very close to her and she is always very open minded and a great support. She doesn't know any of my other friends so I know my secrets are safe with her. She said I'm far too independent and I should allow my friends and family to support me throughout the journey instead of keeping secrets and shocking them all when I'm desperate for TLC. She's probably right, but for now I'll hold my own council. Perhaps when it the actual event doesn't seem so far off...

No News Just Life

In school news, our principal gathered us for one of her famous 5 minute meetings which usually last an average of 40. Apparently there have been several incidents of stealing going on the past few weeks. Part of the money the children had brought in to donate to the Red Cross for Haiti was stolen. I am incredibly saddened by this. I work in an area of poverty. This means that someone took money that poor children had donated to other poor children who were in desperate need. Sometimes, working in the ghetto sucks.

In weight loss news, I got on the scale this morning...glaghhhhhh! It was my first day back to tracking my nutritional intake. I ate too much junk but kept track of the portions instead of throwing crap down the gullet without even thinking. I've set a goal of losing 20 pounds by the date of the transfer. I'm estimating about 10 weeks (CANNOT believe I have to wait so long, it seems SO far away) so it's a realistic goal. I'm planning on going shopping and cooking this weekend so I'll have no excuse. It feels good to be trying again.

In donor news, well there is none except that I keep thinking of my "tenacious" young lady out there somewhere....growing my eggs for me. I keep sending her subliminal messages from afar....drive carefully and scrape those windows, please stay hydrated, please be responsible with the medication, hope you take vitamins and on and on. I wonder if she ever thinks about me? She's my hero, doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Lately DollFace has been fascinated with looking up animals on youtube. We'll be playing our animal guessing game in the car and when we get home she'll ask to see that animal "on the movies". We were looking up baby rabbits when we stumbled upon this cute one about a rabbit being taken care of by a mother cat. I guess sometimes even Mother Nature doesn't care about DNA.

And for some reason the ever present thought is very strong tonight:

What if it never happens for me?

Back to Tracking

I've been binging completely out of control for the last week or so. AND not exercising. I lost 60 pounds last year and I have no idea how much I've gained back. I DO know that I'm physically feeling the weight gain. NO energy, hard to catch my breath when I go upstairs or even walk briskly, lethargy, this weird feeling that my blood pressure is rising.

I have such strong desire to be the healthiest me possible for myself and also in case a miracle happens and I get pregnant but I can't seem to make my body do what my brain and soul wants it to. Every night I think, "This is it, this is the last time I will eat out of control" but the next day rolls around and by noon or even earlier I've blown it and am off to the races eating way too much of everything bad.

I had gone completely rogue and given up any form of weight loss that involved numbers and that felt good and worked for a while. God knows I've measured and weighed my food long enough that I've become pretty talented at eye-balling a portion. However, when I'm not tracking my food, it's too easy for an extra this or that to creep in. Chips with this meal, chocolate after that meal, take out for supper, ice cream on the way home...won't hurt, not like I do it all the time. I guess the pressure of the life-changing decisions got to me and once I started, I just kept adding this and that and eating more day after day. The big decision is made now so it's time to get back to thinking about my health and how to better control my food.

It takes a behemoth amount of time and effort to plan all those meals, figure out the nutritional info and track them. Not to mention the mental and emotional exhaustion from working on one's self-worth, self-image and FEELING those emotions rather than stifle them with food.

.... but I've got to go back to it. I've GOT to.

It's Official

Finally heard back. I'm officially signed up for the May cycle! Yay!!!! I'm so excited to be moving forward.

Now I'm off to write some big, fat checks and settle in for a looooong wait!

May seems a long time away.

Waiting for Official Word

Early this morning I sent an email to both the donor agency and to the clinic explaining that I was ready to officially book a donor and sign up for a cycle and send payment off. In the past both parties were very good at returning my emails right away, sometimes within minutes!

It is now past 3:00 and I haven't heard from either of them.

Grrrr....what is up with that?????