Daydream Believer

Probably no surprise to anyone that I have a very active imagination and a vivid fantasy life. I've been having extremely real baby daydreams for the past few days. I'm holding my baby, in that way mothers do, with the sweet smelling and oh so soft head against my cheek or under my chin. These thoughts are so very real. I feel like I could reach out and touch the baby. Also, daydreams of the actual birth, not the pain or fear or anything like that. Just that miraculous moment when the baby comes and everyone in the room makes that sound. You know that joyful happy sort of gasp/cheer/laugh. I imagine it must be the happiest moment in one's life. I'm only going by what I've seen on T.V. for this one, of course.

These are different from my usual "hey is that (insert name of celebrity) at my local grocery store", my "hot romance" daydreams, or my "Teacher of the Year" daydreams or even my "Oh, I'm so thin, healthy and hot" daydreams. My daily daydreams that are always lurking in a corner of my mind to entertain me should whatever I'm doing gets dull. Something about these baby daydreams makes me feel a little not right in the brain. These baby thoughts seem so real. So very real.

I'm wary of wanting something so very badly. Seems like dreams you want so badly with all your heart like this never come true. The only other thing I remember wanting so badly many years ago and envisioning like this was dancing at my own wedding. I've never been married. Not saying I won't someday dance at my own wedding but it seems rather dangerous to build these castles in the air. And then keep revisiting them. Over. And over.

I just read over this and realize I sound certifiably crackers. I'm not really a person with my head in the air but I do have strange thoughts all the time. Lord help me, I haven't even started taking the serious drugs yet.

Paid Up

Well, I just put two HUGE checks in the mail to the clinic and to the donor agency. My savings is nearly gone. It's not the money that bothers me. I just keep thinking if this is not successful, that bank account will represent everything. Empty womb, empty home, empty life, empty bank account.

I'm trying hard to keep positive but writing those checks make it seem really REAL and I'm starting to getting scared.

I will get pregnant.
I will get pregnant.
I will get pregnant.
.
.
.
I hope.

My Walking Trail

Inspired by what is here, I thought I'd share my walking/bike trail.

Along with my camerashy dog, Clara.

Drug Deal Gone Wrong

I wanted to pack THE box of drugs away and forget about it until I needed it in a few weeks time. I've unpacked and packed that box about 4 times. I guess there was a mix up with one of the medications. Thank God I had a question about one of the medications and mentioned the one that was screwed up. I guess they sent me Estradiol suppositories in addition to the delestrogen. They are similar and I don't need both.

The pharmacy told me there is a nationwide shortage of Endometrin and that my clinic told them to cancel the Endometrin and they would order something else (which they hadn't done until I contacted them today). I knew nothing about any of this. I'm horrified at the thought that I might have shoved the wrong medication up my hoohaa and ruined everything. I really need to stay on top of this whole process, so many, many things can go wrong. I am praying my young donor is checking and double checking everything.

This email exchange between Mom and me was my laugh for the day.

Mom: You might need help giving yourself those injections, if you do let me know. I'll take a stab at it.
Me: Haha, I see your point.
Mom: Yeah, I'm sharp that way.

Corny, but I laughed!

Drugs!!

Obligatory photo of alllll the drugs:

I was so excited all day at work thinking of the magic box being delivered today.

What is inside will help me have my baby!!!!

But when I opened the box and examined everything....

Weird names of chemicals that don't match up with what is on my calendar.

A frightening number of needles and syringes.

Suppositories!?

Yikes, I'm starting to get scared thinking that I'm going to have to get all of this stuff into my body over a few weeks time.

What if I somehow screw it up?

And yet April 22 can't get here fast enough.

Awkward Meeting

Serious storms and tornado warnings around these parts late last night. You could feel the storm coming in the evening air, it was sticky and hot and I couldn't get to sleep. I was still awake when the thunder and lightning rolled in at midnight. Didn't get much sleep at all so it was super rough when the alarm rang at 5:30 for the first day back at school after spring break. The kids at school all seemed sleepy too. 39 days until summer break...not that I'm counting!

Part of my job, this year, is to meet with the teachers at our pre-school program and help them with analyzing their data and forming small skill groups to work with. Working with data and being held accountable for working with groups has been a big change for these ladies who are mostly close to retiring. Today I had to have a data meeting with a teacher who is very disorganized and doesn't seem to work with her kids on the skills that the testing data shows they need work on. I hate to use the word lazy but we're not sure what exactly she does all day with the kids. They are not showing much growth academically.

During our meeting she was full of excuses and spent a lot of our meeting time looking for data sheets, progress reports, etc. I'm sad to say she didn't even know the last name of one the kids in her class. It's April, she's been (supposedly) working with this child for 7 months! How can she not know his last name? This woman has been a teacher for 30 years, I understand that she's probably tired and ready to retire, but it's a great disservice to the students in her class who are not showing growth under her guidance. Our principal sat in on our meeting and kept at her and at her about how she must be more organized and really work with those kids and keep up with her documentation. It all needed to be said, but I felt bad for this teacher who got more nervous and flustered the longer the meeting went. To make matters worse, this teacher is a family friend. My dad grew up with her husband and was in her wedding. It was kind of embarrassing for me to be telling a teacher with so many years of experience and who has known me since I was small that she needs to get her act together.

I was deaddog tired when I got home and did actually lay down for a few minutes, could have been longer be E stopped by and said it was a perfect night for walking. And he was right, beautiful refreshing breeze, tons of active wildlife on the trail. Many cardinals and other birds. I was practically looking for some cartoon Disney birds to come and sing directly to me.

Looking for a better night's sleep tonight.

The Laughingest Easter

One of the laughingest Easters I remember. We made smoothies and DollFace kept pretending to turn on the blender without the lid on. Then she'd hit me on the shoulder and laugh manically. C says she definately has MY sense of humor. A fabulous brunch (if I do say so myself!) and then egg hunt and playing outside with new Easter toys. A beautiful, windy Easter.
My nieces, parents and their two bratty dogs, Tessa and Toby. They like to poop in my house and yet my mom doesn't understand why I don't like it when she brings them with her. Today she allowed Tessa to sit on her lap at the dining table and eat food from her plate. Yech. There was almost an argument but she allowed me to put them outside.

My brother's beautiful family.

Even my Zoe wanted to get in on hunting eggs.

"What are you looking at, Pacha?" Pacha (a character from The Emeror's New Groove) is DollFace's favorite word right now and it is everyone's nickname.
And here I am, looking large and in charge. Jeez, my arm looks like an Easter ham. I'm never wearing that shirt again or allowing my pic to be taken while sitting down. Ughhhh.

Eggs, Eggs, Eggs

I don't know how the tradition got started but when Stretch was little we always decorated eggs with her at Maw Maw's house and then she'd go home and do it all over again with her parents
Somehow the egg decorating got moved to my house the past two years. It went so fast this year! Three dozen eggs in less than 2 hours.

I remember being little and it seemed like it took the whole day and when we were done, the entire table seemed completely covered with eggs ready for the Easter bunny to hide during the night.

Of course I'm thinking of my lovely donor having fun decorating eggs with her own little one. I hope she's taking care of my little eggs.

It Ends With A Smile

I've been studying the calendar, you know, THE calendar. The possible week of embryo transfer is a hectic one. I'm starting a graduate class that week and one of the professional development sessions for summer school is that week. The class is a short six week summer session, probably frowned upon to miss any class periods, and the summer school program is very strict about attendance. I may not be hired at all if they know I'll miss one of those sessions. I don't like feeling like I have to ditch something at the last minute but I'll probably have to miss one or the other unless the transfer is somehow pushed to Thursday in which case I'll be a psycho mess from waiting that long.

The pharmacy called with a pleasant surprise. Most of my medication AND the donors is covered, what's left is a very manageable sum. It will be delivered Tuesday and my mom has agreed to have it delivered to her house and sign for it. I just hope FexEx doesn't wander to the business side of the farm where the veterinary supplies are delivered and have one of my dad's employees sign. I keep imagining my mom racing across the yard, screaming, "I've got it, I'll sign!" or a scenario where the medication gets mixed up and some dairy cow ends up depressed and emotional from Lupron.

I had a lovely "field trip" with my buddies at a local winery. Friends who used to work at my school but have spread far and wide to different jobs or retirement. Beautiful weather and it was great to relax and gossip with a glass of wine and good friends.

Thank God for a few hours distraction because other than lunch, I was sort of an emotional mess all day. Not crying, just mopey and hormonal. My period did finally show up, a sad, little smear. I think I'll actually be glad when birth control starts again on Monday. I've been eating out of control and missing my baby like crazy.

But I'm another day closer to him or her or them.

And that thought just made me smile.

Aunt Fat

I'm disturbed by a few things I've heard DollFace say recently about me being fat. I've talked to her about how it hurts my feelings but she just can't seem to help herself. At one point she said her mom had yelled at Stretch about being fat and that her mom said Stretch could die, and that Stretch had cried. This is really upsetting to me. Stretch is not even close to being fat or even chubby, she's a beautiful child of normal weight. C. has admitted to me in the past that she talks to Stretch about her weight and tells her she doesn't want Stretch to end up with a "problem" like mine. I'm incredibly hurt by all of this. Keep in mind, C is about 30 pounds overweight herself and I have NEVER seen her attempt to do anything active with either of the girls.

I'm wondering if this is the root of the reason Stretch doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with me lately. I'm huge, I get it, you don't want your kids to be like me, and God knows I wouldn't wish this kind of obesity on my worst enemy. But I don't think it's right to push these kind of body issues on a child or to create a stigma (unintentional?) around the unmarried, childless, obese aunt.

I saw my full length reflection in a mirror at the store today and what little self esteem I have was crushed. I really need to figure out my emotional eating problem and conquer it. I feel ugly and out of control.

Fourth day off birth control and no period. Probably why I feel so icky about the above issues. Why can't my body just do what it is supposed to do?