Crazy ups and downs. Coming off these drugs is a bitch! I feel so in-between and confused. I should be ecstatic and relieved that I was able to move on quickly but I'm not quite there yet. I am at times angry and depressed that my cycle was canceled, while feeling relief that I didn't go forward only to experience even greater heartbreak. I should be excited and looking forward to July but I can't see past what seems like a very long wait for something that should be happening NOW. I think my new donor is a perfect match for me but can't seem to drum up the affectionate, protective thoughts I was having for my first donor. I really am happy for all my bloggy friends who are experiencing their pregnancies or actual babies, but I tear up as I read about their joy.
And my boobs hurt.
And I'm horny as hell.
At lunch, I had to leave the lounge abruptly when the "birthing round table" opened up, as it does sometimes when groups of women are together. Every one has to tell their birthing story or their friend's...it seems to go on and on. I try not to be resentful, I know if I had a story I would be right in there sharing too. Today I just had to very quickly get out of there before I lost it.
One of my students, Justin, is a first grader who has been struggling and struggling all year to learn to read. Today he read a level 6 book. A level 6! I was so excited I took him all over the school and made him read it to everyone including the school secretary. A moment to help me remember that eventually the struggle is worth it.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Fertility Tornado
There was a lot of crying and "why me" thoughts last night. Thank you, my blogging family, for your kind comments, you all help me to be stronger.
I had taken today off for a lining check that I no longer needed so I spent a mournful morning putting away the Lupron and sending out a few tentative emails about moving forward. Suddenly wheels were in motion and I was fielding a flurry of emails.
From Dad:
"Sorry to hear this Paige. Maybe the future will be more successful.
Sincerely,
Dad"
From Mom:
"I'm so very sorry to hear this. Dad didn't tell me about your email until he was going to bed or I would've called. What are you going to do? If you pick another donor, will you just stay with your Rx schedule or start all over. Please don't give up. Maybe she just wasn't the match for you - better to find out now. Start all over & keep good, positive thoughts. Let me know. If I can do or say anything to help, call anytime."
From the clinic coordinator:
"Hi Paige
We should have your estradiol level from yesterday when I get to the office today I would think. I can try and get back with you when I see your result. I’m sure your Estradiol level was fine though."
From Dr. A:
"In brief the follicle development was unexpectedly poor, I do not understand why. They are there, but small without prospect of growth. Too dicey to go on I believe as very few oocytes would be retrieved and risk of failure very high versus expectations.
We should go over it however with discussion soon.
I know that this is very disappointing but it is best course of action with these events.
I am sorry to have had to make this call, but it is in long run your best interest.
Best regards"
The first of many from Donor Agency Lady:
"Paige:
I am so sorry to hear about your cycle. I can only imagine how devastated you must be given the turn of events. Do you know what month you want to cycle in?
I will go ahead and contact both of these gals and we will check with the clinic to see when the earliest cycle we can make it into and I will get back to you.
Are you doing ok?
Oh, and in terms of the funds on account, those will all roll forward to the next donor, you have no additional expenses with us, and I will let you know the amount to be replenished for the partial compensation of the first donor.
Hang in there my dear….
Sincerely and with Best Regards,"
and the last from Donor Agency Lady:
"Paige:
I have great news, your first choice is available for July. She cycled with them previously, so they are familiar with her-which is a great thing.
Just let me know and I will follow up with the clinic."
I feel like I've been swept away by a lightening fast fertility tornado. I've spent a great deal of the day checking email and staring into space trying to process everything. I'm pleased at how everything seemed to fall in to place so easily and quickly, like it was really meant to be. Everything I was worried about, from finances to donor availability and booking a cycle worked out perfectly.
This new donor was actually my very first choice months ago but I had to move to a second choice because another client had spoken for her first. My first donor has been taken off the donor registry permanently. I hope she isn't experiencing too much emotional fall out. I still feel a special attachment to her and wish there was a way I could let her know that I wish her all the best.
I'm relieved to have this all in place for July, it all came about so suddenly, I'm emotionally exhausted.
I had taken today off for a lining check that I no longer needed so I spent a mournful morning putting away the Lupron and sending out a few tentative emails about moving forward. Suddenly wheels were in motion and I was fielding a flurry of emails.
From Dad:
"Sorry to hear this Paige. Maybe the future will be more successful.
Sincerely,
Dad"
From Mom:
"I'm so very sorry to hear this. Dad didn't tell me about your email until he was going to bed or I would've called. What are you going to do? If you pick another donor, will you just stay with your Rx schedule or start all over. Please don't give up. Maybe she just wasn't the match for you - better to find out now. Start all over & keep good, positive thoughts. Let me know. If I can do or say anything to help, call anytime."
From the clinic coordinator:
"Hi Paige
We should have your estradiol level from yesterday when I get to the office today I would think. I can try and get back with you when I see your result. I’m sure your Estradiol level was fine though."
From Dr. A:
"In brief the follicle development was unexpectedly poor, I do not understand why. They are there, but small without prospect of growth. Too dicey to go on I believe as very few oocytes would be retrieved and risk of failure very high versus expectations.
We should go over it however with discussion soon.
I know that this is very disappointing but it is best course of action with these events.
I am sorry to have had to make this call, but it is in long run your best interest.
Best regards"
The first of many from Donor Agency Lady:
"Paige:
I am so sorry to hear about your cycle. I can only imagine how devastated you must be given the turn of events. Do you know what month you want to cycle in?
I will go ahead and contact both of these gals and we will check with the clinic to see when the earliest cycle we can make it into and I will get back to you.
Are you doing ok?
Oh, and in terms of the funds on account, those will all roll forward to the next donor, you have no additional expenses with us, and I will let you know the amount to be replenished for the partial compensation of the first donor.
Hang in there my dear….
Sincerely and with Best Regards,"
and the last from Donor Agency Lady:
"Paige:
I have great news, your first choice is available for July. She cycled with them previously, so they are familiar with her-which is a great thing.
Just let me know and I will follow up with the clinic."
I feel like I've been swept away by a lightening fast fertility tornado. I've spent a great deal of the day checking email and staring into space trying to process everything. I'm pleased at how everything seemed to fall in to place so easily and quickly, like it was really meant to be. Everything I was worried about, from finances to donor availability and booking a cycle worked out perfectly.
This new donor was actually my very first choice months ago but I had to move to a second choice because another client had spoken for her first. My first donor has been taken off the donor registry permanently. I hope she isn't experiencing too much emotional fall out. I still feel a special attachment to her and wish there was a way I could let her know that I wish her all the best.
I'm relieved to have this all in place for July, it all came about so suddenly, I'm emotionally exhausted.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Canceled
My donor didn't respond well to ovulation stimulation.
She has 10 follicles but they are very tiny.
My doctor is recommending canceling the cycle.
I'm bitterly disappointed.
What will it take to make me accept my fate.
She has 10 follicles but they are very tiny.
My doctor is recommending canceling the cycle.
I'm bitterly disappointed.
What will it take to make me accept my fate.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
My Famous Doctor
So I'm webstalking Dr. AA last night cause what else is a single TTC gal to do on a Saturday night? Pathetic, I know. Dr. AA's website says he's been chosen to be the fertility consultant on a new TLC show about conception. At first, I was very excited because surely this means he really is one of the best in the country, TLC would surely choose a highly reputable doctor and how many people get to see their doc on TV? This is a show that follows 6 women in their journey to conceive, some are just beginning their journey and some have been struggling for a while. None of them have similar profiles to myself, big shocker...
As I read the Expert Q & A, I realize this is just a giant First Response ad and I'm disappointed in Dr. AA. His answers are legit but each one also includes a plug for a First Response product. Ok...I'm just going to out him right here, now you will all know Dr. AA's real identity...what the heck, it's not like I'm his only patient and apparently he's going to be famous now. He is even featured in part of the show's trailer. He's quite good looking, maybe that is why he was chosen, not because of his talent in the field. I kind of feel like he's a big sell-out. Sorry, Dr. AA, I will always be a Clearblue girl. (or whatever's on sale, I don't really believe there's a difference)
Back in January, Dr. H discouraged me from going to another well known RE in my area and encouraged me to go to Dr. AA. I remember he specifically said that Dr. AA was not out for fame and monetary gain and that the other doc seemed to be. Now I have to wonder.
Still it is kind of exciting and believe me I'll be watching every moment of the show. When I see Dr. AA on Tues, I shall ask him to autograph my ute....lol
Happy Mother's Day...I'm wishing for a crystal ball so I can see next year's Mother's Day.
As I read the Expert Q & A, I realize this is just a giant First Response ad and I'm disappointed in Dr. AA. His answers are legit but each one also includes a plug for a First Response product. Ok...I'm just going to out him right here, now you will all know Dr. AA's real identity...what the heck, it's not like I'm his only patient and apparently he's going to be famous now. He is even featured in part of the show's trailer. He's quite good looking, maybe that is why he was chosen, not because of his talent in the field. I kind of feel like he's a big sell-out. Sorry, Dr. AA, I will always be a Clearblue girl. (or whatever's on sale, I don't really believe there's a difference)
Back in January, Dr. H discouraged me from going to another well known RE in my area and encouraged me to go to Dr. AA. I remember he specifically said that Dr. AA was not out for fame and monetary gain and that the other doc seemed to be. Now I have to wonder.
Still it is kind of exciting and believe me I'll be watching every moment of the show. When I see Dr. AA on Tues, I shall ask him to autograph my ute....lol
Happy Mother's Day...I'm wishing for a crystal ball so I can see next year's Mother's Day.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Blackberry Winter
One week from now my embies could be tucked in at the doctor's office to grow for a couple days. One week! And in a week and a half I could be pregnant. ME! Pregnant! It could happen...it could really happen. My dream could be true in less than two weeks! Just when I thought I'd had every emotion possible related to struggling with fertility...wham. This is certainly a special kind of excitement laced with a little anxiety. I actually get butterflies when I think about it.
My daydreams have even moved on. I daydream about seeing Dr. H. again which to me will signify really being safely pregnant. I keep planning my own baby shower in my head. This makes me feel crazy and I wish I could STOP.
I'm working very hard to keep the "what if it doesn't happen" thoughts AWAY! I keep thinking that if I just do exactly what the doctor has instructed me to do, I will get pregnant, but I know there are no guarantees. Everyday my prayers are with my lovely donor, my talented doctor and his staff.
Jock Indetank has been ordered and delivered. One less thing to worry about.
I FINALLY have Internet at my home. Yay!
It's almost cold here in the mid-west. Dad asked if I had my long johns out and called it Blackberry Winter. E has headed out to plant corn. He gave me a ride back home as he headed out on the corn planter. I was struck by the mammoth size of the equipment these days. When I think back to the 4 row corn planter of my childhood, our current 16 row planter seems unbelievably huge and makes my memory of the old planter seem toylike. They can't even haul it on the road without folding it completely in half. E said he remembered being totally intimidated by this new 16 row planter at first but now looks to buying a 24 row one in the future. Something that wouldn't even have been a thought in our heads 20 years ago.....
And we wouldn't have even dreamed of being able to become pregnant at 38 while single using donor eggs and sperm. I may be a simple country girl but I'm so very grateful to have been born in a time when science can make miracles happen.
My daydreams have even moved on. I daydream about seeing Dr. H. again which to me will signify really being safely pregnant. I keep planning my own baby shower in my head. This makes me feel crazy and I wish I could STOP.
I'm working very hard to keep the "what if it doesn't happen" thoughts AWAY! I keep thinking that if I just do exactly what the doctor has instructed me to do, I will get pregnant, but I know there are no guarantees. Everyday my prayers are with my lovely donor, my talented doctor and his staff.
Jock Indetank has been ordered and delivered. One less thing to worry about.
I FINALLY have Internet at my home. Yay!
It's almost cold here in the mid-west. Dad asked if I had my long johns out and called it Blackberry Winter. E has headed out to plant corn. He gave me a ride back home as he headed out on the corn planter. I was struck by the mammoth size of the equipment these days. When I think back to the 4 row corn planter of my childhood, our current 16 row planter seems unbelievably huge and makes my memory of the old planter seem toylike. They can't even haul it on the road without folding it completely in half. E said he remembered being totally intimidated by this new 16 row planter at first but now looks to buying a 24 row one in the future. Something that wouldn't even have been a thought in our heads 20 years ago.....
And we wouldn't have even dreamed of being able to become pregnant at 38 while single using donor eggs and sperm. I may be a simple country girl but I'm so very grateful to have been born in a time when science can make miracles happen.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Waiting For My Dandelion Wish
Not sure if the Cal'Asia incident is still affecting me or if it's Lupron finally rearing it's moody head but I've been very weepy for the last day or so. I cried 3 times last night during Glee. Glee, for heavens sake! And this morning during a song on the radio. I was also brought to tears just now by all YOUR supportive comments. Yesterday after I wrote about not wanting to talk to my friends, I felt very selfish and as if what I was feeling wasn't normal. Thank you all for being my friends.
I've been in that dark place a little....the one where I end up childless.
Things were a bit crazy at school. Everyone is frazzled and just trying to get year end testing done while keeping the children, who have caught severe spring fever, in some sort of order. I am NOT looking forward to dealing with all that next year when I'm forced to go back to a classroom position.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Stretch: Who is Madonna?
Me: 80's pop star, rock icon, etc
Stretch: Oh, did she get famous on American Idol?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Me to DollFace: Blow all those dandelion fuzzies away and make a wish.
DollFace: (Squinches up her face and whispers to the dandelion)
3 days later....
DollFace: I'm still waiting for my dandelion wish to come true...I wished that all kitties would like me.
I've been in that dark place a little....the one where I end up childless.
Things were a bit crazy at school. Everyone is frazzled and just trying to get year end testing done while keeping the children, who have caught severe spring fever, in some sort of order. I am NOT looking forward to dealing with all that next year when I'm forced to go back to a classroom position.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Stretch: Who is Madonna?
Me: 80's pop star, rock icon, etc
Stretch: Oh, did she get famous on American Idol?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Me to DollFace: Blow all those dandelion fuzzies away and make a wish.
DollFace: (Squinches up her face and whispers to the dandelion)
3 days later....
DollFace: I'm still waiting for my dandelion wish to come true...I wished that all kitties would like me.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Crappy Day, Good Friends
I'm glad I have the great memory of yesterday because today was one crappy day. There was an incident in my literacy lab during a meeting with the principal and J. involving a student named Cal'Asia, her mother, a belt and the police. I do not want to go into details but will say I wish I could take that precious child home and love her as my own.
I want so badly to be the antithesis of that horrible woman I saw in action today. God, please let me prove what a good, loving mother I can be. I have so many good, sweet, kind things to give. Please let me have that chance.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
S. called last night and left a message saying she hadn't heard my voice in a long, long time and was quite worried and that she would come over and bang on the door, bring the girls over to bang on the door and as a last resort contact my parents. I called her back this morning and we had a brief chat.
I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't want to talk to her or any of the girls. I don't want to have to talk and talk about the embryo transfer coming up and everything that goes with it. And I don't want the pity, if it doesn't make me pregnant. Not one of them can even come close to understanding what I'm going through. I'm afraid that if I start talking to them, I'll start crying and never stop and they still will not understand a fraction of the emotional crap I've been wading through.
And what's worse....I don't want to listen to them either. I'm at a juncture where my life is going to become amazing or it's going to fall into a dark, dark place. I really don't want to hear S. go on and on about her new boyfriend and upcoming gastric bypass. These seem so trivial compared to what I'm going through. Even though I KNOW they are not trivial at all and a good friend would be wanting to share the excitment with her.
It's not that I don't care, I love my girls but I just want to wrap cotton around myself and protect myself from the outside world. I've been completely turned inward since January 19th, it seems selfish and not the person I usually am. I am so lucky to have great friends, I need to snap out of it, come out of hiding and act normal.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm beginning a seven day challenge today. I have stayed the same weight for weeks and weeks now. I'm challenging myself to exercise for 7 days in a row. I'm doing ok on eating, not great but not binging either.
I want so badly to be the antithesis of that horrible woman I saw in action today. God, please let me prove what a good, loving mother I can be. I have so many good, sweet, kind things to give. Please let me have that chance.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
S. called last night and left a message saying she hadn't heard my voice in a long, long time and was quite worried and that she would come over and bang on the door, bring the girls over to bang on the door and as a last resort contact my parents. I called her back this morning and we had a brief chat.
I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't want to talk to her or any of the girls. I don't want to have to talk and talk about the embryo transfer coming up and everything that goes with it. And I don't want the pity, if it doesn't make me pregnant. Not one of them can even come close to understanding what I'm going through. I'm afraid that if I start talking to them, I'll start crying and never stop and they still will not understand a fraction of the emotional crap I've been wading through.
And what's worse....I don't want to listen to them either. I'm at a juncture where my life is going to become amazing or it's going to fall into a dark, dark place. I really don't want to hear S. go on and on about her new boyfriend and upcoming gastric bypass. These seem so trivial compared to what I'm going through. Even though I KNOW they are not trivial at all and a good friend would be wanting to share the excitment with her.
It's not that I don't care, I love my girls but I just want to wrap cotton around myself and protect myself from the outside world. I've been completely turned inward since January 19th, it seems selfish and not the person I usually am. I am so lucky to have great friends, I need to snap out of it, come out of hiding and act normal.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm beginning a seven day challenge today. I have stayed the same weight for weeks and weeks now. I'm challenging myself to exercise for 7 days in a row. I'm doing ok on eating, not great but not binging either.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Carousel Ride
I went with our Kindergarten classes on a field trip today. This is the first field trip I've been on as simply a chaperon and it felt so carefree to be without the huge responsibility of being the classroom teacher on my shoulders. We went to the Butterfly House where we learned all about insects and got to walk around the solarium where exotic foliage grows and thousands of butterflies were flying all around us.
Across the park from the Butterfly House is a restored 90 year old carousel. As we walked across the park, I could tell from the questions they asked that most of the children had no background experience with riding a carousel. I tried my best to explain but it's kind of an obscure thing, if you've never experienced it. They asked if the horses were real, what they ate, how they went up and down, what kept the horses from falling off the circle. These are children of poverty and most have pretty limited experiences.
It ended up being a pretty special experience for me. The children's faces lit up and there was such joy in the air. All those happy, excited children laughing and holding on tight. Riding up and down on their beautiful painted ponies while the quaint carousel music was playing. It sounds corny to say but it felt like a little magic was in the air. If you've never experienced an antique carousel ride with 30 kindergartners, I highly recommend it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Second IM Delestrogen shot today, still can't get over how easy it is. Blood test on Friday and ultrasound/lining check in one week. One week! Sperm donor chosen and ordered (but I can't think of a name for him).
Check, check, check.
Across the park from the Butterfly House is a restored 90 year old carousel. As we walked across the park, I could tell from the questions they asked that most of the children had no background experience with riding a carousel. I tried my best to explain but it's kind of an obscure thing, if you've never experienced it. They asked if the horses were real, what they ate, how they went up and down, what kept the horses from falling off the circle. These are children of poverty and most have pretty limited experiences.
It ended up being a pretty special experience for me. The children's faces lit up and there was such joy in the air. All those happy, excited children laughing and holding on tight. Riding up and down on their beautiful painted ponies while the quaint carousel music was playing. It sounds corny to say but it felt like a little magic was in the air. If you've never experienced an antique carousel ride with 30 kindergartners, I highly recommend it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Second IM Delestrogen shot today, still can't get over how easy it is. Blood test on Friday and ultrasound/lining check in one week. One week! Sperm donor chosen and ordered (but I can't think of a name for him).
Check, check, check.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
And The Winner Is
I think I've chosen one. It's down to the wire today and I actually choked up a little at the thought of really saying good bye to Dave Indevial. Would it be weird to pretend that the new guy is some relation to Dave? I may change back to him at the last moment. If only he was an open donor.
Anyway, the new guy is six feet tall, green eyes, brown hair, he is well liked by the staff who say he always has a smile on his face and is easy to work with, polite, respectful and pleasant to be around. He has mad math and science skills and is athletic. He is CMV negative, has had previous pregnancies and has my blood type. ,Also, he has the same celebrity look alike as Dave did: Gerard Butler. Yup, I'm starting to crush just a little on this new guy. In an innocent, non-icky way of course.
How will this guy will mix with my lovely egg donor. Will my (our?) baby get her eyes and his height? His math skills and her musical talent? His sense of humor and her stubbornness? Please, find me, Baby. I can't wait to meet you and learn all about you!
I am, yet again, in awe of modern science. It sometimes takes my breath away thinking that these two people along with all the medical people are giving me this remarkable chance at having a family. What an incredible, miraculous opportunity.
I know I've made the right decision.
Anyway, the new guy is six feet tall, green eyes, brown hair, he is well liked by the staff who say he always has a smile on his face and is easy to work with, polite, respectful and pleasant to be around. He has mad math and science skills and is athletic. He is CMV negative, has had previous pregnancies and has my blood type. ,Also, he has the same celebrity look alike as Dave did: Gerard Butler. Yup, I'm starting to crush just a little on this new guy. In an innocent, non-icky way of course.
How will this guy will mix with my lovely egg donor. Will my (our?) baby get her eyes and his height? His math skills and her musical talent? His sense of humor and her stubbornness? Please, find me, Baby. I can't wait to meet you and learn all about you!
I am, yet again, in awe of modern science. It sometimes takes my breath away thinking that these two people along with all the medical people are giving me this remarkable chance at having a family. What an incredible, miraculous opportunity.
I know I've made the right decision.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Hello, May!
This not having Internet is effing ridiculous. I'm about to go nuts. I was here at Dad's office last night trying to blog and in walks Mom, she plops down with, "Whacha doin?" She. Would. Not. Leave. There is only so much small talk you can make while nervously wanting someone to go. Mom knows a lot about my journey but I just could NOT write about sperm donors and my period (which finally showed up yesterday) in front of my MOTHER and I couldn't say, "Hey, get out", so finally I just stuck in a few pics and left it at that. And now she knows the title of my blog...don't know if she'll check in or not and not sure how I feel about that. I like having this be my safe place and knowing I can say anything to you all.
Last night I realized that I must make a final pick on a sperm donor THIS WEEKEND. There is no way I can do that without Internet. I came over here to the office this morning, thinking that if everyone was busy, I could get some thinking and choosing done. Ummmm NO. Whoever said it was quiet in the country was WRONG. The office is attached to the machine shop and warehouse. There were huge tractors in and out, the milk tanker truck making it's pick up, Dad's employees and my brother all over the place. One was actually working on the office door with a drill or something. It was impossibly LOUD and made me jumpy so I just left. E asked me to bring over my laptop this afternoon and it seems to be a quiet time now. Still nerve wracking because non-family members could walk in at any moment, but I have to make a choice. This is so NOT how I imagined doing this.
The IM Delestrogen shot went well. I'm wondering what I was so scared about. I took a deep breath and just did it. It didn't really even hurt.
Hello May! I've been waiting and waiting for you. Please be good to me.
Last night I realized that I must make a final pick on a sperm donor THIS WEEKEND. There is no way I can do that without Internet. I came over here to the office this morning, thinking that if everyone was busy, I could get some thinking and choosing done. Ummmm NO. Whoever said it was quiet in the country was WRONG. The office is attached to the machine shop and warehouse. There were huge tractors in and out, the milk tanker truck making it's pick up, Dad's employees and my brother all over the place. One was actually working on the office door with a drill or something. It was impossibly LOUD and made me jumpy so I just left. E asked me to bring over my laptop this afternoon and it seems to be a quiet time now. Still nerve wracking because non-family members could walk in at any moment, but I have to make a choice. This is so NOT how I imagined doing this.
The IM Delestrogen shot went well. I'm wondering what I was so scared about. I took a deep breath and just did it. It didn't really even hurt.
Hello May! I've been waiting and waiting for you. Please be good to me.
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