Update on TTD

Update on my list of To Dos for this summer:

• enter CPUs in the board of ed website
• clean up porch
• paint and recover chair and stool
• paint and hang picture ledge
• frame pictures
• wash windows (begun)
• organize pantry
• organize and clean basement
• clean out little dresser in bedroom
• sweep and clean garage
• wipe cabinets and deep scrub kitchen
• paint hallway
• figure out how to get music from ipod to new 'puter
• sell old books and CDs on Amazon
• dispose of old computer and set up "new" desk area

Special places I wanted to take my special girls:(Might not be able to complete this one because of the Cupcake Incident)

• Zoo
• Butterfly House
• Kramer's Marionettes
• Magic House
• Splash City
• Drive In Movies

Before and after pics of my redone chair and stool:

Lovely Day Until...

I took the girls and my mom to the Butterfly House. It really was great. The girls and I had been there two years ago and I went a few months ago with the kindergartners at our school but it was Mom's first time there. She was especially delighted and cute. Every time she took a picture of a butterfly she told it "Thank you". They also have a section of exotic bugs and DollFace was really fascinated by them. We rode on the carousel they have in the same park. It was a good time.

Then we went to Jilly's Cupcakes for lunch. Stretch is a very picky eater who has been indulged by her parents. Stretch said she wasn't eating anything because there was nothing on the menu she liked, but she would have a vanilla cupcake. And then....I made a big mistake. Without even thinking about it I said if she wasn't eating lunch, there was no way she was going to eat just a cupcake. This place has amazing huge cupcakes that are stuffed and topped with two kinds of icing. Anyway, this threw Stretch into an attitude and stupid me thought that since I'd said that I had to carry through. Stretch went to the bathroom and called her mom on the sly. C asked to speak to my mom and proceed to yell at her about me "starving" her child who had not had anything to eat all day. Ummm sorry, hon, it's NOT my fault you did not feed your kid breakfast. They have the poorest nutrition in that house. If you ask C about it she'll tell you her kids just aren't big breakfast eaters. Hello? Who is in charge of breakfast? Are the kids mature enough to decide if they are breakfast eaters or not?

Mom said I should let her have the cupcake and so after pushing the issue and saying things I probably shouldn't have, I did. I asked Stretch what her mom would have done if they had gone into a place where there was nothing Stretch liked. She said they would leave and go somewhere else. I just don't agree with that. When is the girl ever going to learn to eat something besides chicken nuggets.

Mom said that C was very mad and I could probably forget taking Stretch anywhere else this summer. I really felt badly that Mom got put into the middle like that. Damn C...I've about had it with her! She just makes it too hard on everyone for me to take them places. I'm sure she thinks I'm the one causing all the problems. I agree that I should not have forced the issue like that and it's certainly not my job to fix the nutritional problem they have created with their child. I'm supposed to be the fun aunt. But I always mess it up.

I'm supposed to watch the children when C and E go to Mexico later this month. It will be interesting to see how that plays out. I imagine she will have her parents watch them now or at least Stretch will stay there or with a friend. I feel as though I'm really losing Stretch. I'm really disliking my sister in law right now.

Attack Of The Crayons

Well, I turned the corner at Target and there they were. I nearly had an anxiety attack on the spot. School supplies. I've barely had one week off! Can't I get a break? I was not prepared for a sneak attack of waxy smelling crayons, crisp new notebooks and the cutest Scooby Doo lunch box in the shape of the Mystery Machine. I didn't buy anything, though. I'm really not ready to face a new year. Especially teaching a grade I'm not excited about.

My friend L from work had a little get together for lunch at 54th Street Grill for her birthday. Nice for everyone to get together during summer break.

L just found out she'll be teaching first grade next year. She's been teaching kindergarten for 10 years and loves it. She's not excited either. Personally, I think she's a little burned out in kindergarten but doesn't want to admit it. Guess we'll be in the bitter boat together next year. Where's a shot of "make the best of it"? Hit me! With a double!

Speaking of shots....I began injectables today. Ho hum. A non-event that I almost didn't mention. I'm a little closer.

Busted Butt, Busted Tire

S is one week out of surgery and doing well. Sh, R and I were able to visit her today at her parent's house where she's been staying. She had to go back to the hospital Monday for low potassium and hemoglobin but other than those mild complications, she's doing well. She's in good spirits and seems really happy. Excited about the future.

And I'm glad to say I'm happy for her. I think I've moved through my negative emotions for the most part and realized...yes, she'll be skinny and able to wear cute clothes and I'll probably be a little jealous of that. Most importantly her health will improve. She's already halved her blood sugar levels and hopes to be off insulin soon. That is what is most important here.

She's already lost 40 pounds including the pre-surgery protein shake diet weight loss. It took me most of last year to lose that much. But I'm happy for her....really!

I've been busting my butt for the last week and only lost 1.8 pounds. Literally busting my butt on that bike seat! It's a loss and that's great but I have been working really hard both on exercise and nutrition. I expected a bigger loss.

I've been busting my butt and tonight my butt busted my bike tire. My first flat as an adult. Thankfully only 3 miles out and I was able to walk it home. Pushing a bike is good exercise too! My dad dug right into fixing it. It was so pleasant to be there outside the warehouse chatting while he tried to fix the tire. Beautiful cool breeze, nice break in the humid weather. But the tire had given it's all. Dad took me right into town to get a new one and treated me to supper at the Bread Company. For some reason, I feel like I should treasure the memory of this night.

How I Told My Parents

This post is going out by request to Inbetween:

I had intended to keep my plans to start a family top secret. I knew my family would be happy and supportive about a grandchild on the way but I didn't know how they would react about the process. I didn't want their opinions to sway my thoughts about going forward. I used a known donor for a while and it's pretty high on the ick factor to bring up that Mr. X is over here banging me multiple times during a certain time of the month. Also, I never in my wildest dreams thought it would take so long to bring my dream to life. When I began to see what a struggle it would be, I wanted to spare them some of the heartbreak I was going through each month. It's hard to keep a big secret that effects every facet of your life for so long.

Eventually I got to the IUI with donor sperm stage. At one point, I had a very long wait at the doctor's office and I was supposed to pick up my niece. I had left my phone in the car so asked the nurse if I could use the office phone to call my mom and ask her to pick up my niece. My mother didn't even say hello. Just, "Why are you calling from the doctor's?" Curses! Caller ID. So I'd sort of given up my secret by mistake. I didn't tell her on the phone, but later that night when I got to Mom's she said, "Tell me you're not dying or something." My pessimistic mother. I was glad to have an opening to tell her. She was extremely surprised but responded with joy and support. It was good to have someone who was on my side to know something about the struggle. After that, she asked every chance she got for an update on how the process was going. Almost to my annoyance, but I was hungry to share it and have support.

Dad? Neither my mother or I told my dad. A few months after I told my mom, I went to an RE and he told me that my eggs were nearly non-existent, dried up and useless to me. I was so devastated and heartbroken. I knew after 24 hours of crying that I wouldn't be able to keep it from them. We are a pretty close family and see each other often. So I went over there and just blurted everything out. My mother reacted with disbelieve, sadness and a little anger. My father said he was sorry to hear that and asked why it took the first doctor so long to get me to a specialist. So I had to tell them about trying for a year with a known donor and then an anonymous donor. After that he said very little, but I know he was concerned that I was so broken hearted. Since then he NEVER brings it up but responds with support if I do.

In the words of Shrek, "Better out, than in". It has been much better going through this with the people I love knowing, and able to show support and concern for me. Since I'm going it alone, I needed someone on my side. It's much easier not having to constantly watch what I say when many times there is one thing and one thing only on my mind.

I still have vivid daydreams about telling my parents that their next grandchild is on the way.

Magic House

Lovely day with the girls at the Magic House. Stretch did say that her mother forced her to go, she didn't want to get up that early and her attitude did start out like this:


The Magic House is a children's museum. This section was devoted to the environment and they had a little mock re-sell-it shop so the children could learn about reuse. There was also a section with a real Smart car, a mock town with grocery store etc. There was a pond where the children could fish with magnetic fishing poles and then they could release the "fish" in a different pond and watch it swim in a creek that they could see under the floor through glass. Also, a construction section, bubbles, water. Very cool



Eventually Stretch warmed up and we all had a good time.
The three story slide and the electric ball are traditions at the Magic House
















DollFace seemed to like the rougher areas like construction and climbing. Stretch liked the more creative areas like mask making and science experiments. I have to hand it to Stretch a little. This is really a place for younger kids and once she warmed up she showed DollFace things and helped me keep track of her.

At one point, I was in a play kitchen with DollFace making "soup". I looked away for a second and when I turned back she had the spoon right there by my mouth. When I opened my mouth to speak she shoved the spoon right in. Uhhhgggg!! I can't help but think about the thousands of children who have had that thing in their hands and mouths. Ugghhggg. I wouldn't be surprised if I came down with whopping cough, tuberculosis or the plague by next week. Mouth sanitizer? Thank goodness, I have the immunity of a school teacher.

DollFace surprised me by ordering a mint oreo shake at Steak n Shake and eating the whole thing. I wouldn't think mint would be something a little kid would like. Stretch surprised me by ordering a banana milkshake and then barely touching it. I ordered a patty melt and was horrified when I got home and looked up the calorie info: 1013.

Conversation With Dad

Dad and I were talking about medicine. He was saying it's such a blessing if you're healthy and don't have to take any medication. I made a remark about all the junk I'll be dumping into my body really soon to prepare for the embryo transfer. Dad said, "Now, listen, I don't want you to get down in the mouth if that doesn't happen." Later in the conversation when I mentioned that the doctor said I had a 75% chance of being successful. He said he thought that number was very optimistic and the chances probably weren't that good.

Ummm "down in the mouth"?? I'll be devestated maybe destroyed, if this is not successful. It is extremely unlike my father to be less than 110% optimistic about any situation. He's usually the Pollyanna Papa.

I understand my dad is very old school and it must be high on the ick factor to think about or discuss the method by which one's daughter may become pregnant. He never asks questions or expresses curiosity. He hasn't said much at all about my situation either in encouragement or concern or anything at all. Does he think it's a mistake? Or that I can't handle it? Not that what he or anyone thinks will affect my going forward, I'm way past that point now.

I spoke to E about it and he told me that this was probably as much of a pep talk as I'll get from Dad. He mentioned how stoic our father is and sometimes hard to figure out.

I know he supports me in anything I do, he always has. I'm guessing this awkward conversation was the best he could do in expressing concern for me.

TTD while TTC

I'm making a list in hopes of motivating myself to stay busy and keeping myself accountable. It is so easy for me to fall into the habit of just laying around watching TV or reading all day. Part of the reason I got so fat.

• enter CPUs in the board of ed website
• clean up porch
• paint and recover chair and stool
• paint and hang picture ledge
• frame pictures
• wash windows
• organize pantry
• organize and clean basement
• clean out little dresser in bedroom
• sweep and clean garage
• wipe cabinets and deep scrub kitchen
• paint hallway
• figure out how to get music from ipod to new 'puter
• sell old books and CDs on Amazon
• dispose of old computer and set up "new" desk area

Wow, I realize this list looks like I live in a pig sty. Oh well, I am pretty messy and things pile up during the school year, time to shovel out and get "in the corners" clean.

I would also like to take my special girls someplace each week.

• Zoo
• Butterfly House
• Kramer's Marionettes
• Magic House
• Splash City
• Drive In Movies

I have a goal of exercising at least 5 days a week. Bike ride or walk or water aerobics. I would really like to lose at least 10 more pounds before my embryo transfer in one month.

One month from today I will be turning 39. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I'd still be childless at 39. Even when I started TTC over 2 years ago, I never thought I would be arriving at this birthday without my child in my arms. Please, please, please let me receive the greatest gift of my life in one month. Please.

No Longer An Acupuncture Virgin

I love acupuncture! I haven't felt a sense of well-being like this in a very long time. The acupuncturist, Kristen, talked to me for a long time about my cycle, drugs I would be on, what I was eating, my weight loss efforts, my stress levels and explained a little about Chinese medicine. Then, she looked at my tongue and felt my pulses at my wrists. She found a deficiency in the spleen system. This backs up what I've been reading online.

Needles went into my feet, legs, arms, stomach, ear and top of my head. The one on my head hurt a little going in. I don't know how to explain what I felt when the others went in. It was as if I had guitar strings going through my body and when she put a needle in it was like she strummed one of the strings. Then she told me to breathe "from the bottom of my feet" and envision blood going to my uterus and nourishing it.

What a trippy experience! I had the strangest thoughts while I was breathing from my feet. It was like a fertility version of a Disney fantasy sequence. I tried to concentrate on my ute but I couldn't quite control my own thoughts. I kept envisioning hearts going into and out of it. I'm telling you, trippy! At some point I found myself weepy. Kristen said that was very good. It meant the energy was moving in my body. I left feeling so relaxed and energized. I could get hooked on this. I can see myself shaking Kristen down for my next hit of the needles.

Afterwards, I went to Historic St. Charles with my friend, B. We ate lunch at a microbrewery and had fun going into all the little shops and boutiques. It was a bright but not to hot or humid day. Perfect for a day of walking, talking and shopping.

Eventually....The Zoo

I was so looking forward to spending today with DollFace at the zoo. Unfortunately, this morning when I tried to call her dumbass flaky selfish mother, it went straight to voice mail. When I finally got hold of E he said that C had spent the night at her sisters. In the past, this has been code for "too drunk to drive herself home". And DollFace was with her. E would try to get in touch with her via the sister. GRRR!! I was very hurt and pissed off. Once again Aunt Paige is treated as though her plans are unimportant and she has no life so she can just wait around for stupid C to get her act together.

I have to interrupt myself here and say that I was so hurt. I really felt like binging. But I sat with the feelings. I ate a normal breakfast. I curled up in a ball for a while and pouted. But I did not binge. Eventually, I was able to force myself into action rather than eating. Although emotionally, this is a pretty minor incident, I am proud of that. One small step for fatkind.

Well, after about two hours, C gets around to calling me and leaves a message (I was still too busy being angry and pouting to talk to her). The message does not sound in the least bit regretful. It was actually quite snippy and full of excuses. And ended with saying that if I still wanted to take DollFace to the zoo it was open till 9pm and I should call her but otherwise she was going to daycare.

GRRR! I argued and argued with myself. Parking would be a nightmare by now, it was the hottest part of the day. Why should I let on that I'm sitting around waiting for C to throw me a freaking bone.

But why should DollFace miss out on something I've been promising her because of her mother's idiocy? Why should I miss out on time with DollFace? I kept coming back to that. Many afternoons when I picked DollFace up from school she would ask if we could go to the zoo. I didn't want to let her down so I called. C was still full of excuses but was actually very apologetic on the phone. Ok but it's still not excusable and not enough. This happens time and time again and I'm not sure how to change that.

Driving there was horrific with lots of construction delays, parking was indeed a nightmare. Thank God, it was a little cooler today and walking around wasn't so bad. Many animals were out and moving around and I think DollFace had a good time. We especially liked seeing the tigers twitching their ears and the hippos were very active swimming in their see through tank and interesting to watch. There was an absolutely beautiful peacock walking around loose. It was feeding time at the monkey house which was an unusual thing to see. I was surprised that DollFace really loved the reptile house. Ugh. We must have seen every snake, lizard and frog three times. I didn't know she liked that sort of thing.

It reminded me of the time I took Stretch to the zoo when she was about this age. She liked the reptile house too. While there she found a snake she really liked and stood by the cage, joyously announcing to everyone who passed, "SEE THAT 'NAKE IN THERE?!" I couldn't get her away from that special snake for about 15 minutes. Guess love of snakes runs in the family...NOT in my genes though.

Outside the reptile house is a brass turtle with it's mouth open so you can throw coins in as donations. When we got to it, I told DollFace not to put her fingers inside the mouth or it might bite. Of course she had to do it, and while she did, I pinched her from behind and made her flinch. I've done this with many students and Stretch and it's always funny to me and to them. But not for DollFace. She started crying! I guess she's a little too young for that trick. I eventually calmed her down and as you can see she made friends with the turtle.

Unfortunately, the zoo closes at 5pm, NOT 9, as someone had suggested. I was planning to stay there at least until after rush hour so driving home sucked crapass. But we saw a lot of animals and had a good time together. We have a list to see the next time when we take Stretch (who is visiting cousins in Memphis). Penguins, bunnies, stingrays and seals will have to wait for our next visit.



Of course I had to visit these guys while I was at the zoo.



The storks!



I threw a few fertile thoughts skyward as we looked at them.



I start acupuncture tomorrow.