Grades

Picture of the day:

Yup, somebody found the special effects buttons on picasa. The paper represents the large amount of work I have this weekend, the grade represents my day. Which was emotionally rough to start but I got through it ok only to be called to a meeting at the end of the day with my principal and entire staff during which we all got told we were crappy teachers and had crappy lesson plans. I'm paraphrasing here but she was not nice about it at all. There has been a kerfluffle around the building about lesson plans, she started requiring we turn them in three weeks ago. I was the mellow one, stuff like that just does not matter as much as it once did. But....no one likes to be told that they're not working hard enough or pushing the kids enough or that if they want to be a babysitter they can open a daycare. NOT paraphrasing here, but quoting. Although I know my students have had a big part in my day to day healing and I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have this job to go to.....I sort of want to quit.

Frost

Picture of the Day:

The frost on the window of my front storm door. It's was much prettier IRL. I usually write Greyson's name in the fog on the window when I let Clara B. out but many mornings recently I couldn't write because it's been frozen over. I should probably look into replacing that door.

Locket and Lockers

I found out today from FB that my cousin had her baby Monday. Not sure how I missed the post until now but she sure is a beauty. I'm torn asunder. I haven't cried this hard for days. I wish our 20 week abruption hadn't happened to us, I want to be successfully pregnant like my cousin or the "other" pregnant teacher. I just want my Sweet Pea to still be growing inside me.

In brighter news, I received a surprise and completely anonymous package in the mail. A caring card and sweet locket engraved with "Mom". I've been straining my brain looking for clues to figure out who may be responsible. If it's any of you out there in the blogosphere, I want to say thank you so much for brightening my day. Seeing the word "Mom" on the necklace and knowing it's referring to me as Greyson's Mom warms my heart.

Picture of the Day:

Since the "Push" picture turned out pretty good (thanks MB) I kept my eye out at school for other little signs in that vein to photograph and I thought the locker tags that show the locker number would make an interesting, vintagey looking photo but they didn't turn out very well. They loooked dull... sort of lifeless. I did get to practice turning off the flash and messing with the ISO button even though I'm still not certain what that means. So I looked for other locker shots. This row of locker handles was the best I could do today. The little hole is where they'd put the lock if there was one.

I'd like to lock myself in and never come out.

9 to 5

My awesome friend, MB, won tickets through FB to the Fabulous Fox Theater for 9 to 5 The Musical. What a fun show and so full of energy. It really brought me back to the era when that song was popular. We had great seats in the "Facebook nook". The most exciting part was that they came over during intermission with the announcement that we were invited to the cast party after the show! So exciting! We were hobnobbing with the theater folk. Ok..actually we sat at a table and gawked while wondering "who" was "who". The Dolly Parton part was played by Diana Degarmo of American Idol fame and we did get to talk to her and take pictures. I think it was the closest I've been to a "star". You never know what may happen when you're with MB. So glad she's my friend.

Picture of the Day:

This was on the elaborate brass doorplate at the theater. It reminded me of what I'm doing now....pushing through. MB helped me set the flash so it wasn't out of control. I've already learned some helpful things about my camera and composition through this challenge-ish. Not sure about that streak through the pic. Guess you can't learn everything at once.

Thank you

From the bottom of my heart, I would like to thank everyone who has read this blog and remained supportive of me. There are some days I couldn't make it through without thinking about what I was going to write here and knowing my blog family was waiting to bear witness and help in any way they could. I feel really connected to many of you.

I've been very honest about this blog being a crapfest for a while. If anyone cannot handle that, then DON'T read.

I'll be sad and depressed as long as I need to be and write about it as much and as negatively as I want. That time frame will NOT be dictated by those who think the almighty pain of losing a child can be muffled by buying a new dress.

Let me reiterate, if you can't handle the raw emotions I write about or the words I use, then STOP following my story.

And again to those I consider sisters....Thank you.




Picture of the Day:


One of the cutest things in the world is a child who is missing their front teeth. They come to school so proud to show me their gap toothed grins after they've lost a tooth and it's so exciting to everyone in our class when someone loses one at school. I tried to "set up" a few shots with kids in my class showing their jack-o-lantern smiles and they were ok but this shot was the best of the lot. I snapped it very quickly as the kids were leaving.

BDB/ABD in Pictures

Remember this picture?

BDB

Please note in the picture above:

• the sparkle in my eyes
• the Osmond worthy smile
• the flush of new pregnancy on my cheeks
• hair that while tousled at 2:30 am was clean and had been cut and colored recently
• well groomed eyebrows
• the little crow's feet that indicate a person who smiles a lot
  

Now for our Picture of the Day:

If you wish too, you might note:

• the look of dulled pain in my eyes
• the puffiness of my cheeks
• the pallor of my skin
• greasy, uncolored hair
• unkempt eyebrows
• tired looking eyes
• the pinched tight look between my eyebrows
• the jowls and double chin that are prominent because of the absence of a smile

I barely recognize myself.
How could things have changed so drastically?
And why?
I'll find a way to pull out of this. I will.
But how?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Positive stuff NOW:

• I learned how to put writing on pictures! Yay, me!
• And I'm becoming excited about the 365 challenge-ish
• I think I've pulled my brother into the challenge-ish
• I was successful in my mini-challenge and exercised 4 days in a row. (So was my sweet friend, Belinda, Yay, her!)
• We've set a new challenge: Exercise 5 days in a row and record everything we eat for 5 days
• I had a great afternoon with MC. We saw "The King's Speech" and had Mexican food afterward. I loved Colin Firth before but now I really love him. He conveyed so much about his character through his eyes and body language. I was swept up in these characters and their role in history. At the end, when the teacher is helping the king give his speech, and the king is successful, I felt their triumph. As a teacher, I could identify with experiencing that triumphant moment with the student, when they become successful after having worked so hard.
• Talking with MC made me realize yet again that what happened really showed me who my true friends are. It's easy to stay away when things get tough but it takes hardcore friendship to do what's difficult and be around a person who might cry at any time or who may lash out or do/say something crazy. (JC the BM, girls...JC the BM)
• Dollface has come up with head lice and she was here overnight on Friday. The positive part is: she didn't sneak into my bed during the night like she sometimes does.
• I almost went to church today....almost. I've decided next week, I'll get dressed and drive to the church. I may have to sit in the parking lot for the whole hour but I will at least show up.

I've Hit Depression

This has crossed over into something different. What I'm feeling is no longer honest, love-filled, painful grief for my son who died inutero at 20 weeks. It's not me mourning my beautiful pregnancy. Well, it's not just those things anymore. Now, I've begun feeling sorry for myself. I can't express how low and dark this makes me feel. Hopeless. I guess I've hit the depression stage of grieving.

I've been on a two day binge of epic proportions. The food issue is so complex. I was free of it while I was pregnant and even afterward to some extent until now. I've been successful with my exercise mini challenge but what is the point when I'm eating vast amounts of junk? Or when I lay around the house for hours at a time staring at stupid TV that I can't even focus on?

Feeling sorry for myself and binging does not honor Greyson. It does not show my love for him at all. Getting pregnant with him was the one wonderful thing I've done, and somehow I managed to screw it up. Now I can't even honor him by grieving in a respectful, loving way like a mother should.

How ugly it feels to have such bad thoughts about myself.

I've got to find a way to pull myself up and focus on moving forward. I can't let myself slip so far down. Everything just seems so meaningless.

Where are those bootstraps?

Dollface was here to spend the night last night. I guess she'd been cooped up at home too long and just couldn't stand to stay home while Stretch went skating. We played dolls and it gave me a bittersweet, crazy feeling cuddling that doll close and dressing it.

Dollface went home at about 9 and I pried myself off out of the TV watching chair at about 3pm.

MC and MB you've sucked me in to your 365 Photo Challenge. I don't know if I'll be able to stick with it daily as you both are doing so wonderfully but it was fun today to walk around looking for creative shots. Guess it will be a challenge-ish for me. Thanks for the inspiration and encouragement.

Picture of the Day:

The truth is that I've been looking at this shrub that has sprouted a waterfall of icicles in front of my house and wanting to take a picture of it for days. I guess it's ok for my first try at being an artist.

I thought this one would be good with the juxtaposition of the icicles and branches

but it was too busy and cluttery feeling. I liked it to practice changing thecolors with though, lots of contrast.

Glass Tree

I had a much better day today. It's wild to me how one day can be so low I think I'll never see light again and the next can be very good, almost to the point of feeling normal and forgetting. Twenty four hours can really change things.

I "Walked Away The Pounds" this morning. That's an exercise video for jumbo sized people who can't do too much. I really do feel so much better mentally if I move more. I'm issuing myself a four day challenge to do an exercise vid every day. I'm going to try to sucker encourage Belinda to be in the challenge too.

I went to the Tile Place and gave Tile Lady a down payment for the kitchen stuff. Whew. What a load off my mind. Like so many things these days, it doesn't really matter to me that the couch has become a storage place for dry goods or that even if I did want to make brownies, I probably wouldn't want to dig the mixing bowls out from under the bed where lots of kitchen stuff is being stored for the duration but it will be nice when the actual kitchen is functioning again. Unfortunately, that won't be for at least four more weeks.

Then I took myself to see Black Swan. What a beautiful clusterf*&^ of a movie! I really identified with Natalie Portman's character because I'm a dancer too. NOT a thin starving ballerina striving for perfection. However, I do dance on the edge of sanity just like her character did. She did a fancy ballerina leap over to crazytown. I hope I never have the need to do that. I'd probably throw out my back. I loved looking for all the foreshadows, background references to birds and all the control and mind games. I can see why there is Oscar buzz.

I was staring out the window this morning, as I'm wont to do so often these days, and I couldn't help but notice the way the rising sun shone on the ice covered tree making it look as though it was made of glass.




Inspired by my camera wielding friends here and there , I had to snap a pic to share with you. I wish I was a better photographer with a better camera so you could see it like I did. It probably didn't help that I was too lazy to actually go outside and take the picture but took it from the window.

And here is a bonus shot of Clara B. Dog. She has a barely noticeable limp now, however, she thinks she's completely recovered and runs about in an untroubled and happy-go-lucky way.

Oh to be an untroubled and happy-go-lucky canine.....

Snowcalypse Reiki

So yesterday was a crappy, sad, bad day. Snowcalypse Snow Day #2. I hardly moved from the TV watching chair and allowed myself to drop so far down, it was hard to see a way out. It wasn't even worthy of writing about here. There was no way of release. It was just another crappy, sad, bad day.

Then, I posted on FB that I needed some gold light. Just as a lark...I meant Reiki gold light of healing but I knew most people would think I meant sunlight and I would love some of that kind of gold light as well.

Jae was one of the responders, "I invite you to envision it and I will help ya out a little.....I did talk to my folks in New Orleans....sound good.... ???" About fifteen minutes later, I had a feeling of lightening. I wish I had better words to describe it. The ball of awfulness that tightens my chest up, fluttered away and I felt better...lighter.

I texted Jae, telling her what had happened and asking if that was her making me feel better. She responded that it was a little her, a little me and a little her Reiki master friends in Louisiana who she'd told about me. Can healing energy fly across miles like that? This is mystic, miraculous stuff...a little trippy and crazy but it doesn't matter.

This morning I woke at 5:30 wondering why I made it through the night and feeling that same sad, bad ball starting to form in my chest. Not long after, I felt that lightening again and I suddenly had a .... vision? thought? daydream? I can't say dream because I was awake.

It was my baby's first birthday. Complete with a beautiful baby in the highchair putting hands in a cake and everyone laughing. I lifted that baby out of the chair knowing it was beautiful and alive and mine. I don't think the baby was Greyson because it seems like I would know, without doubt, if it was him. I knew the baby was mine but I didn't really recognize it from my third person viewpoint if that makes any sense.

It was so real.

I could describe exactly what the baby looked like and what it was wearing. I could tell you every detail about the high chair and cake.

Was it Jae or her friends working their Reiki on me from miles away?
Was it Greyson trying to speak to me?
Was it baby number 2 trying to find me?
Was it simply my first daydream since losing Sweet Pea?

Was it just my stupid brain on overdrive?

Snowcalypse

Have you noticed that I've slowed down on blog writing? A good thing, I think. It must mean that I'm feeling less pain and don't feel the need as often to release the ugliness of it all into the universe. But really how many different ways can you say you're broken hearted? Maybe I've just run out of adjectives to describe my current state. Maybe I'm sick of writing about the gunky way I feel. I wish I had more in my life to write about other than my dead baby and the pain of losing him.

Snowcalypse here in the Midwest,so no school. The county seems to be shut down and I probably won't have school for a few days. It's very hard to keep distracted cooped up alone here. I did a bang up job today, I have to say. Vacuuming, reading, laundry, exercise video, some organizing. Hope I can continue to stay busy even though it all seems meaningless.