Monday, February 21, 2011

Healing Mojo

Second Reiki session today. Lots to tell. Before the actual session started I told her all my physical complaints. I knew she was or had been an OB nurse and I asked her what she knew of Dr. H. I told her what they had said at the support group. She told me he was a good doctor and she didn't think he cut corners or was rushed. I told her what had happened with Jae and her friends sending me gold light. She explained that our energy is all connected like a spider web. People can send anyone good energy similar to being on a prayer chain. You only need to know the person's name. She told me she "works" on her clients even in the days and weeks after a session. I told her I thought I was "getting" energy from my students. She said I should definitely try to do that. Children have plenty of pure energy because life has not dimmed it yet and they constantly make more so can spare some for me. She asked me what good things I was doing for myself. I told her about exercising and writing and doing the Photo 365 Challenge with my friends.

Then the session started and it was different from my first one. Although, I had really looked forward to it and had a lot I wanted to work on, there was some sort of resistance from within me during the session. Afterwards, Janet said the left side of the brain sometimes gets in the way. During my first session, my mind was completely void of thought but it was different this time. Thoughts of people and pictures kept coming to me in a gentle way. The faces of certain friends, students and coworkers came to me. Stretch came and stayed in my mind for a long time and thoughts of each picture I've taken for the 365 Challenge floated through my mind. A baby showed up. I was throwing it in the air and it was laughing.

Physically I felt a lot of the same sensations I'd had before only milder. The gold light didn't come to me as readily as it did before, I had to really work at it. She worked a long time on my knees which I'd told her had been bothering me since the Zumba session and she was a long time at my ovaries since I'd told her I hadn't had a period since losing Greyson. Afterward she said my right knee was angrier at me than my left. I must admit my knees have felt much better all afternoon. She said my ovaries were asleep, my right much more so than my left. Guess my right side is just all jacked up.

I told her of this baby I'd seen and that I'd seen it before at it's first birthday party. I asked if it was Greyson. She said it was not Greyson but probably another baby who would come into my life. She told me I had a strong and deep mothering instinct within me.

She said my uterus was still holding on to Greyson, although healing was taking place, I was still holding on. She said that Greyson had known that he would not have fullness of life, he'd known that his job on this Earth was to be here for me, to teach me lessons. She said she'd "gotten" something about the pictures I've been taking. She said each one was a message from Greyson. I started crying and explained that I'd been waiting and waiting and searching for some sign from him letting me know he was ok. She said of course he was, his job was to move through the living Earth and through me.

She talked of my right brain being very active and moving softly all the time. The creative side. I said I don't do enough with that side. She said that I was by taking the pictures but the left side of my brain keeps getting in the way, telling me I'm not good enough, etc. She told me to be easy with myself. I mentioned that it was a lifelong thing. She told me she'd "gone back" and that I'd been this way since I was three. Something happened then that triggered the negative self talk.

How could she know all this??? How? I know all this stuff sounds absolutely batty. I know. If I hadn't experienced it myself and I read it on someone else's blog, I'd probably think they were a little off. All I know is that this woman has extraordinarily strong and beautiful mojo and physical problems go away or lessen after a session with her. Emotionally, I feel more complete when I leave.

As I left, I was trying to thank her and could hardly get the words out. She thanked me so enthusiastically and acted like it was a special gift to work with my energy.

I got Chinese food and had lunch at Mom's afterward and told her everything. I think she believes some of it and thinks some of it is craziness. Dollface was there and wanted to come home with me for the afternoon. We watched a lot of silly animal video clips on youtube and ate popcorn. I tried to suck as much youthful energy out of her as I could while she was here. :)


Picture of the Day:
16/365

My cousin and his trusty dog, Sally.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Mayan Orchid Show

This was my favorite orchid at the Mayan Orchid Show at the Botanical Gardens. You can't really tell on the picture but it actually sparkled. Not with dew or mist, it was the petals themselves that had a tiny shimmer to them.

I had wondered how they would incorporate the Mayan aspect with orchids. I know the Mayans lived in a tropical climate but I couldn't quite envision Mayan orchids. It was just beautiful. They mixed in statuary and moss sculptures like this one. I liked this Mossy Mayan maiden dressed up in her floral and feathery finery. (alliteration much?) She was kneeling by a pool of water and surrounded with gorgeous orchids.

15/365

I thought it was quite clever of me to shoot peeking through this foliage.
But the best part was the time with my friends. It is wonderful to be with the Yas, who are completely accepting and love me for who I am. The lovely, tranquil setting and ideal weather along with ice cream (thanks JS for the idea and MB for treating) made it a perfect day with my girls.

This is not the best picture of the day compositionally and it does not show all the Yas but I LOVE this photo because it shows the spirit of the day. Just us girls, relaxed, laughing and enjoying the gardens, the weather and eachother. I love you, Girls!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Exercise Class

Who the heck cries during an exercise class? That would be me. Two of my coworkers go and I thought I'd give it a try. Today was my second time going. I'm not a fan of public exercise due to my shyness and self consciousness about my jumbo size but I thought it would be a good way to get myself moving on a Saturday when I don't have anything else to "show up" for.

My third grade teacher was there. Looking and sounding just the same as she did 30 (30!) years ago. That made me more self conscious. I'm friends with her on FB but she doesn't check in very often and I just kept thinking, did she know I wasn't pregnant anymore? Did she even remember that I was? Would she say anything? Stupid overdrive brain!

There were teenagers behind me which added to my discomfort. And a few of them were boys who were stinky. Well, then the exercise got really hard and I struggled to keep up and there was twirling and a lot of jumping and everything got really fast.

Thankfully my friend, AT, was there and because she was encouraging me I kept the tears on the inside mostly and actually made it through the hour class. I can't believe I did it. I know if AT hadn't been there I would have walked out. I'm glad I did it.

I came home to three men working in my kitchen. Dad, E and R. They stabilized the island, installed the dishwasher and put some extra screws into the cabinets. While they were doing that, I worked on cleaning out the garage of all the old flooring and cardboard from the cabinets. Later, Stretch and her weird friend stopped by. They were having an "adventure" which it seems consisted of walking across the pasture and splashing through the branch.

Now my back seems to be out of whack and my stomach is troubling me. Quiet night in store: me, wine, TV and ibuprofen.

Picture of the day:

14/365 Photo Challenge
Didn't turn out really well considering the time I put into it. Thank Gawd it was a "lazy" shot with me just sitting there playing with settings on my camera. I couldnt' get the shoes to be crisp and dark. And I wish there was a "cooler" picture on the TV. I think I was watching a Scrubs rerun.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Spa Night

Spa Night with some coworkers and former coworkers. One coworker's sister owns a spa/bed and breakfast. Wonderful night drinking wine and LAUGHING so hard with the girls. Laughter helps me forget for a while. Sometimes it's such a relief to.... forget? be distracted? not think about everything my life has become? that I go too far to the other side and get kind of silly and slap happy. Or maybe that was the wine.

Reality comes back to me in a slow sigh during the drive home.
I sure miss my Sweet Pea.

Picture of the Day:

13/365 Photo Challenge
A bowl of large crystals arranged around some sort of bulb as a night light in the massage room.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Chasing The Sun

Picture of the day:
Chasing the sun.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Emotionally Complicated

First of all, I just have to get off my chest how I hate the other pregnant teacher at my school. I hate how she saunters around with her rosy glow and round belly. I hate that she alone gets all the special pregnant attention and sweet jokes. I hate how she cackles with laughter and I hate that I can barely look at her or if I can I cannot take my eyes off her belly. Why does she get all the happy? I'm aware that this makes me a black-hearted person.

Something was wrong with Clara B. when I came home. She could hardly use her back legs. Like her back end was drunk or something. My first thought was that she blew out her new knee or that the other one had blown out. Then, I thought maybe she had a small stroke or something. The vet took x-rays and said that she has arthritis in her back. I have three medications for her and can only hope she improves in the next few days. I'm not a vet of course but just doesn't seem like arthritis to me. How could that come on so suddenly? Why?

I finally got a nice, hopeful response from Dr. AA. It is with mixed emotions of every kind that I made an appointment.

Everything is so emotionally complicated now. Even rushing Clara B Dog to the vet and wondering how I would survive if it was serious and I had to let her go too. At the same time, thinking, oh well, I've survived the worst and it can't hurt more than that did. Zoe Cat ran away this fall and I'm not sure I can stand the house without Clara B. I'm such a mess.


Picture of the Day:

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Gravestone

Today I had to do something no human being should have to do. I ordered a gravestone for my son, Greyson. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. It felt wrong deep in the cells of my heart, soul and body.

But how do I explain that it ended up being a comical but sad situation. I went to the Funeral Man's home and met with him and his wife. This older couple are local small town people and were good friends of my grandparents. I knew right away something was off. It was obvious they had gussied up for my visit. The wife had heavy clownish old lady make up on and what looked like a wig. When it came time to fill out the forms the Funeral Man had his wife do the writing but she kept making mistakes and having to cross things out. She would get a little flustered but Funeral Man kept gently correcting her and insisting that she keep going with it. I thought maybe she was hard of hearing. There ended up being quite a few cross outs and I won't be surprised if the stone says, "Gary son of Peggy" or something instead of Greyson P. Son of Paige.

Greyson P son of Paige --what heartrending words to have to write on a cold stone.

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

It will NEVER feel right to see those words on a stone above my sweet baby boy.

NEVER

As I was leaving FM stepped outside with me and explained his wife suffered from Alzheimer's and he tried to involve her in this kind of thing to help with the dementia. I could see then the kindness of this gentle man and I knew the words on the stone marking the grave of my son would be correct and if they weren't he would make it right.

Neither Dr. AA, who I emailed about trying again nor Dr. H, who's office I called for a referral to a fetal-maternal specialist, have returned my contacts. I'm trying not to read that as a bad sign or some sort of stupid omen that things won't go smooth or that I shouldn't go forward. Which is just a stupid thought from my stupid overdrive brain. It's just the randomness of the world. Right?

Picture of the Day:

It hurts my eyes a little but I like it.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Oh My Love

I don't know if it was my big cathartic experience at my church yesterday or just time passing but I found the strength to do three things:



Last night I was finally able to look at pictures of my son, Greyson.

Oh my beautiful boy, my heart, my love.


Today I contacted the Funeral Man about getting a gravestone for him.


And...I contacted Dr. AA about trying again.

Life is really is going on.....


Picture of the Day:

This morning the kids came is so excited about Valentine's Day. Destynee rushed up to me so pleased to give me this box of candy.
"This is for you, Ms. B! Sorry but I ate some."

Sunday, February 13, 2011

My Church

Once again I didn't make it to Pastor Jackie's church. But I did visit my former church this afternoon. The comforting, familiar scent of old wood and fresh candle wax wrapped around me and I realized I how much had been missing this. Not just the reverent ceremony of worship in a church but this church building. My church. Where I had been baptized, learned Bible stories and songs in Sunday school and where I had the honor of escorting my Grandma, who had the greatest Faith I've ever witnessed, to services every week during the last few years of her life. The church where I had envisioned my son being baptized.

I think I've mentioned that it is a very small country church. Deserted at noon on Sunday. I just walked in and sat, in the quiet, talking to God and crying for a long time.

It felt horribly wonderful to sit in the familiar pew washed with warm light. Wonderful because I was able to fully talk to God in a way I haven't been able to since my beautiful boy died inside me on Dec. 4. Horrible because this kind of overwhelming anger, sadness and despair is truly appalling to feel, almost unspeakable.

I raged and raged at God and asked every "why" there was to ask. And I cried and cried. Every emotional scab I've managed to achieve was ripped open and again I wondered if I'd survive.

I told God I hated Him and if he'd been in front of me as a person, I would have physically murdered him. Simultaneously, I experienced horror and shock that I could feel this way.

Eventually I was burned out of anger and wrung dry of tears. I sat there longer still and finally a modicum calmness came. This is far from over between God and I but finally I'm able to pray a little.

I left my church and took a long walk. It was cleansing to feel the sun, warm on my face and the breeze in my hair.

Maybe next week I'll go to Pastor Jackie's church.
Or maybe I'll go back to my church and have it out with God again.

Picture of the Day:


Saturday, February 12, 2011

Melting

Picture of the Day:
I thought I could find something interesting to photograph with all the ice and snow melting around here (Thank the Lawd). Didn't turn out as well as I thought. It's a place where the snow and ice has melted and caved in creating a puddle. It's on the side of a shed where melted ice from the shed roof was drip dropping. I thought it sort of showed the drips. Don't know...not really pleased with this one but did learn to retouch as there were little dirt spots around the edge. Isn't it great...get rid of all the ugliness with just one click.


Here's a bigger shot of where it was taken. The actual puddle was just in front of where Dollface is standing now. The girls have had such fun with all the ice and snow. At one point, tying the sled onto the four-wheeler and pulling it behind. Today, Stretch was pulling Dollface by hand and they were having a lot of laughs and getting very wet.

I'm thinking of taking a writing vacation. What's the point? It's just the same sad, bad stuff day after day anyway. Lather, rinse, repeat, repeat, repeat. Perhaps I'll skip the emotions and just give a cold, hard report of the day's events.

Don't know.....