Functional Kitchen

I came home to a functional kitchen! More excited about it than I thought I would be. Possibly more excited than I have been since Greyson left me. It will be a while before the backsplash, floor and trim are installed but now I can cook real meals. I'll have to find some other excuse for eating junk all the time....or I could stop eating so much junk and try to get my body (and mind and heart) ready for the future. Whatever that may hold.

Pictures of the Day:

Playground Puddle

Picture of the Day:


Yes, it's my week for playground duty. How did you guess? Later on during recess, this sweet looking little girl got suspended for being one of the ringleaders of the "Mean Girls Club". Yes, they actually named themselves that and then would target kids to pick on. Grrrr

Tigerstock

I did the ditziest thing EVER on the way to work this morning. I was thinking so hard and so fast about Sweet Pea and what Dr. A said and 555 and trying again and not trying again. I was driving but I wasn't really there. Maybe the medication had something to do with it too, I do seem to get "fuzzed out" at times. Anyway, I missed my exit off the freeway. The next exit down was closed for construction. Somehow I ended up wandering around the serious hood. I was 15 minutes late for work and felt totally foolish. Stupid overdrive brain! Stupid depression that I have to take drugs for! I'm surpised stuff like this doesn't happen more often.

My picture today is dedicated to my amazing friend MB. I went to her school to support her as she managed a huge concert for more than 400 high school students. Everything went smoothly and I could tell she was well respected and liked by all the student council kids. She handled it all with calm grace.

Hang in there MB! Sunday is coming!

Doctor's New Office

If you were wondering what the ultimate irony is, it's receiving my son's gravestone proofsheet in the mail on the same day as my appointment to see the doctor about maybe trying to get pregnant again someday.

I really miss being his mom.

My heart runneth over with raw mixed emotions. And there might even be a bit of hope and looking to the future mixed in there along with the sorrow and the gone-ness of him.

Dr. AA had a lot to say while really having nothing new to say. He has no answers either as to why that sad, bad thing happened to us. He agreed with everything Dr. H said. He prescribed progesterone to help start my period. He says there is "probably" a baby in amongst the 6 frozen embryos, it's just a matter of finding it, either when I try again or the next time I try after that. He said I have about the same chance at getting pregnant as I did the first time and that if an embryo doesn't survive the thaw it's because it was genetically "bad" not because it was frozen. Everything for this new cycle, if I chose to go forward, would be basically the same as Sweet Pea's cycle. He encouraged me to try again as soon as possible. I'm to call the clinic when my period makes an appearance.

I'm not sure I want to or can even bring myself to try again but....

I'd forgotten that I already love them.

My six frozen embryos.

Just like I loved Sweet Pea before he grew inside me.

My doctor just moved offices. Guess what his new street number is:

I actually got an email about the doctor moving offices the day after I got home from the hospital. I had horrible, bitter thoughts when I read that email but I didn't delete it.
Was it Sweet Pea even then, nudging me forward?

Leclede's Landing Outing

My photography friends took me on a little photo outing to Leclede's Landing and the Riverfront in St.Louis. I don't know how these girls knew what I needed to help me move forward and heal. I'm surprised every day that I've taken interest in photography but so grateful they pulled me into this challenge and this new hobby.


Loved this train for the color and for some reason it reminded me of the opening of that old 70's show "Good Times". Which, of course, made us attempt to sing the song.


Eades Bridge


Street Corner Clock


Valve thingies on the street.


Brass Number Plate on an old building.


Marti Gras Aftermath


St. Louis Arch


Penny From Heaven


Dime from Heaven?

A few more pics here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/paige367/

Zumba Photo 2

Picture of the Day:

I've noticed there are two kinds of women at Zumba. The type that preen and sort of make love to themselves in the mirror with their eyes. And the type like me, who tries to hide behind someone so I don't have to catch a glimpse of the full on reflection of myself and keeps their eyes trained on the instructor. But overall it's such a good energy, you can't help but be uplifted.

Screwed

The antidepressants are doing their work. I've been able to function so much better this week and have had a few tearless days. So that is good. I told RK, the counselor, and she seemed very pleased. She had me compare what it was like before the drug to now. I didn't realize how badly the depression was sucking me down or how much of a difference taking them would make. She was pleased with my overall progress especially in the area of food. I do feel, though, that the only reason I'm progressing is because of that next try is out there beckoning me. One thing she said does trouble me. Once again, I said I was scared that I would not survive another loss like this one. She said she was concerned about that too. Good Lord, I have to wonder how bad off I was and how bad off I still am underneath the drugs.

School stuff:
My principal has asked me to do some professional development on guided reading at my school. I'm a bit of a wreck about it. The left brain telling me I'm no good. Gawd, I wish it would SHUT UP. Also because I haven't done a traditional guided reading in a while and truthfully I usually throw some crap together halfassed for those lessons. I really need to get my act together for those kids. There's no reason except laziness that I don't.

A palm pilot that is used to administer reading tests disappeared from my classroom. (Yes, Yayas, this happened once before) I believe it must have been stolen. My bad since I left it out and then walked away from it to dismiss the kids and do bus duty by the time I got back to my room the afterschool class was in there with their teachers. I was really worked up to tell my principal but she couldn't have been nicer about it.

Latajhia: Why do you keep touching your necklace?
Me: Because it reminds me of my son.
Latajhia: Are you going to go to the hospital and get a new one?



Picture of the Day:


Screwed...

Perfume Bottle Photo

Picture of the Day:


A pretty perfume bottle in Mom's bathroom

After School Games

Picture of the Day:

Nearly A Countertop

Countertop halfway installed. They broke the long piece and have to bring another one next week. The neverending kitchen remodel continues. The close up picture doesn't really do it justice but here are the two types of countertop:

Picture of the Day:

Trees reflected in a puddle