Greyson's View

Springtime wild flowers have carpeted our hill at the cemetery.
It's lovely but I wish I didn't have to go there.



In the same general area at the top of the hill stands this very old statue.
Although she's not really near him, I've begun to think of her as Greyson's Angel.



I thought she looked beautiful today with the light and shadows over her.
I like the pensive look on her face.

Fighting Grief: Round 558

I received the most amazing and unexpected gift today. My sister-in-law came over to "look at the new tile." She asked me about the appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist and we talked about that for a few minutes. Then, out of the blue she offered to carry a child for me if I should have another sad, bad thing happen with this next try. I was so flabbergasted that I'm not sure I reacted sufficiently grateful. All I could do was sort of hem and haw my thanks. Before I could collect my thoughts, Mom drove up. I'll need to write her an email. I always knew she had a giving heart but now, I take back every mean thing I ever said or thought about her. Or most of them anyway. :)

Every cell in my heart hopes it doesn't come to that. I would rather the FET just not take. Still unsure about surviving another sad, bad thing.

I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've made an effort to keep negativity off the blog recently and I truthfully have been on quite an emotional upswing the past couple weeks. But now I seem to be heading toward a downturn. Why? Could be no reason at all. These things seem to turn on me like lightning with no provocation at all. It could be because I got that damn sample pack of formula in the mail and it took my breath away but I managed it ok. As I filled my medicine caddy yesterday, I realized I was out of antidepressants. By the time I got the refill, it was late in the day and I decided to just skip it. By evening, I was crashing. I don't know if it was missing a dose or just "where I am" but again I'm wondering why, why, why my little baby had to die. Wondering about the path of my life. Wondering why trying for my second child isn't enough motivation to eat right and exercise. Etc, etc, etc. I'm fighting the same old bad, sad crap, ding, ding, round 558. It's better today but I'm really wondering about my capability of being off this medication.

Oh and that other pregnant teacher is on FB complaining that she's "totally over" being "preggo".

How I wish with all that I am that I was still preggo.

I would have been 38 weeks pregnant this week and cannot stop thinking about what it might have been like to still have my Sweet Pea kicking inside me. We would have had a shower by now. the nursery would have been decorated by now with Mom's help. She probably would have OVER decorated it. We might have had quarrels about it. I'd be on maternity leave by now. Maybe I'd be having contractions right now. Or he might even be born and home in my arms this very moment.

Oh I miss him so much. With body, soul, heart, mind. No gut wrenching cry or words I write here can express how much I miss my son.

Picture of the Day:



Dad and I grouted the new kitchen tile.
He came over this evening to adjust some shelves in the new cabinets and kept hanging around like he was wanting to say something but never did. I wish I had offered a penny for his thoughts.

Pop In 2

I remembered my camera when I did my second round of pop in visits to MB and JK in their high school Spanish classrooms. I'm loving getting a snapshot of my friends in their workplaces. Teaching high school seems like such fun! Although I'm sure my friends would disagree and I realize I only had a very short time to experience it as a visitor. They really know their stuff and I could tell their kids knew a lot of Spanish. I really got a kick out of them playing "Chispa" which is Spanish for "Sparkle", a spelling game we play in first grade too.

Sometimes I wish my friends and I could all work together is some fantasy charter school or live together in a Yaya sorority house. It would be a great reality series. Any ideas for a title or jazzy theme song?

I actually made the call today.
I am actually signed up for a May/June FET.
Even the possibility of pregnancy is special.
The slimmest chance of a baby is a great treasure.

Let the anxiety and worry begin.
Let hope grow and grow.
Let the praying begin.

The Amazing MB:
(Note what the student's t-shirt says. This is the fourth reference to twins I've seen this week.)



The Amazing JK:

Pop In

I had the very enjoyable experience today of popping in on my friend MC while she was teaching at her school. High school. Spanish. Two worlds with which I am not in the least familiar except through hearing my friends talk about them.

I want to teach high school now. The kids were huge (in comparison with my first graders) and very goofy and funny. I can see they keep MC on her toes but she kept them totally in line sometimes with just a look. You know....THE look. But there was also singing and dancing. It all looked like such fun. I know I smiled and laughed the whole time I was there.

I'm looking forward to having faces and places to picture when MC is talking about work.
Tomorrow I'm planning another pop in. Who will it be? Maybe YOU?

Unfortunately, I somehow forgot my camera and was very disappointed that I didn't get to capture MC in action.


I colored my hair at home last night.
A job I realize should really be left to someone with a license.
Dollface asked if I had tie dyed my hair:



A hit to the heart from the mailbox:

Malcolm Martin Memorial Park

Early this morning my dad picked me up in his big rig and I rode with him to take a load of corn to the grain elevator on the riverfront. I enjoy doing this once in a while to spend time with my dad but today I had an ulterior motive. I knew that next to the grain elevator was a small park with viewing tower facing the St. Louis riverfront. It's fairly new and very pretty.

Dad said he had watched it being built during his trips to the grainery. At the top of the viewing tower sits a statue of Malcolm Martin, the man who dreamed up the park and championed for it to be built. Dad said that statue was up there while they were still in the construction phase. Dad wondered for a long time what kind of lazy construction worker was up there sitting around all the time. From the loading area of the grainery, it does look very much like a real person.

Besides the viewing tower, it also sports a man-made geyser which shoots water 600 feet into the air, high enough to match the height of the St. Louis Arch. I would like to go back and get photos of that someday as well as a sunset or nighttime shot (MB).

I really like this view because I think it shows St. Louis at it's roots: a pretty city with the river still as an important part of it's industry.




I think this one is my favorite though because it shows my dad's truck in the foreground.








Below is the grain elevator where my dad takes most of our farm's grain which usually goes from the elevator right onto a barge on the river. It's a huge and very industrial place. The yellow is a casino on the other side of the grainery. It's kind of odd having the grainery between the casino and this beautiful park but I guess it was there long before the touristy stuff and they refuse to sell out.



The rest of the day was spent helping Dad and E tile the rest of the backsplash. Now for grout. And the floor. And the trim. And painting. etc. etc. etc.

Maternal Fetal Appointment

Big appointment today with a Maternal Fetal Specialist.

The important stuff first. This doctor is good looking too. I swear I'm meant to marry a doctor, I find them all so attractive.

He and his staff were perfectly lovely. The nurse asked me if I was ok to talk about what happened and the Doctor spent a few moments asking about my emotional well-being. These may seem like small things but it made the whole appointment much more sympathetic and easier to get through.

I got answers to two things that have really been nagging at me all this time.

He said that he thinks the membrane ruptured prematurely first causing the abruption because there was no discharge before the huge gushes of fluid and because it took me awhile after being induced to deliver. The other two weren't able to tell me this and would only say they didn't know which happened first.

He really seemed to listen carefully while I told about what happened and asked a lot of questions about the details. I told him that when I got to the hospital, nothing was done. I was told I could only lay there and hope the rupture would heal itself. Even though I told the nurses I was cramping every 5-10 minutes, they did nothing at all. This doctor said that was entirely appropriate protocol and was exactly what should have been done.

I feel an incredible sense of relief knowing these two things and a little of my trust for Dr. H. has been restored.

He believes there may be some cervical issues. I can't tell you exactly what he said but I guess the sac could have sort of sagged down through the weakened cervix (hence the pressure I felt an hour prior to the gush of fluids) The area it sagged into below the cervix is acidic and harmful to the membrane causing it to weaken and break.

So going forward, if I'm very lucky and get pregnant, he will be monitoring us closely, checking me every week or every other week with an internal ultrasound for changes in the cervix and if necessary treat the problem with a cerclage or medication or bedrest.

Toward the end of the appointment he asked me to hop up onto the exam table and he listened to my heart. I can't figure out why. I have no heart problems and you can't check a cervix through a stethoscope. I wonder if it's because patients feel more confident in a doctor who does at least some sort of physical exam. I'm also wondering why he didn't do a pelvic exam.

He also told me I would need to go off of antidepressants 30-60 days before an embryo transfer not for physical reasons but to make sure I could emotionally handle being off of them. If I can't handle it, he'll put me on something different that I can stay on.

I also had an appointment with RK, THE counselor. I told her about going off of the antidepressants and she said under no circumstances am I to go off cold turkey. I'm to be under doctor's orders and her watchful eye.

It's all a bit intimidating going forward and of course terrifying, but I am hopeful and it feels good to have that emotion again.

While I was running around to appointments and lunch, my dad and bro were here tiling. Slow work and I feel guilty I wasn't here to assist. But maybe better to be out of the way?

In between the two appointments, I had lunch at Jilly's Cupcake Bar with some co-workers. Very yum.

Reiki Wonderings

I had a fantastic session with Reiki Lady today. I told her all about Greyson sending me 5's. She said she thought Greyson had been with me and sending me messages for a long time even before he was born. Afterward she said she had the vision of he and I holding hands and he was saying, "Put your 5 in my 5." She said she thought my uterus was almost ready to try again, the light around it was mostly pink. Not sure what that means but pink must be good. She said there was a dramatic difference in my energy.

I had such wonderful warm images while she was working with me. Pictures of a bright golden moon and the big gold star from my friend's picture.

Images of Aunt Alys and both my grandmas holding Greyson. They were passing him around and they were all just smiling and smiling.

A big number 5 came to me drawn with many colors of crayon.

Several of my coworkers, students (the naughty ones!) and friends and family members came to me.

Also, the classic image of Jesus that a lot of us grew up with only he was golden and had beautiful gold light radiating around him and from him. His hands were out as if to welcome me.

The images of many babies and children came and stayed with me. At times it was clear I was with two of my children. The other night when my mom wanted to look at Greyson's pictures she also told me she'd had a vision of me with twins. I mentioned this to Reiki Lady and she said she'd seen it too but didn't want to scare me by saying anything. Today Mom told me she had that vision while I was still pregnant with Greyson.

It all makes me wonder and wonder.

I mentioned to Reiki Lady that I might be interested in someday volunteering with mothers of stillborn babies in the hospital. She said, "No, that's not your path. Your path is motherhood." And she said it with such confidence, as if she was saying, "The sky is blue."



R and Dad are trucking this week.



My brother who is my hero and does everything for me.

Sunday Night Lights

MC had the great idea of taking pictures of a local refinery so we headed out tonight to take night shots of the lights, flames and smoke. We nearly got blown away. It was difficult to hold the camera steady, even with tripods and many shots came out blurry. I enjoyed myself anyway and I'm glad to be able to say that I learned a lot. I think I'm showing improvement thanks to my two mentors.

Just Us Chickens

Remember a year ago when we had baby chicks on our farm? They're all grown up now and laying like crazy. 12-16 eggs per day. IRL friends let me know if you'd like some fresh brown farm eggs. A few of them have gone rogue learning how to fly over the fencing. They experience the joys as well as the dangers of freedom on the farm but they always congregate near the coop in the evening. I imagine a desperate tone to their clucking as if to say, "It's getting dark out here! Let me in! Let me in!" We've always called the black and white ones "Sofa Chickens". I don't know who started it but someone thought the pattern resembled an old lady's sofa. Dangers of freedom: How do you catch a unique kitty? You neak up on him:

One Whole Week

It's officially spring break, my friends.

One whole week.

For one whole week I won't have to look at Sarah's snotty nose
or Calise's blank expression
listen to Krishon whine
or Semija tattle
see Gysai dance around and listen to him eternally make weird noises

They've gone wild this week and I'm glad to have a break.

No grading papers
or writing lesson plans
or cafeteria duty
or going to meaningless meetings
or tolerating stubborn and insensitive coworkers
or nagging the class thousands of times to listen or clean up or be quiet.

No alarm clocks
or wondering from bed if I'll make it through the day
or dashing around like a mad woman because I've waited until the last moment to get up.
No rushing to appointments after work
or being so wrung out with exhaustion that I can't function in the evenings.

Yes, friends, spring break is upon us.

Picture of the day:


Waiting for my rainbow.

Still hopeful for my rainbow baby but it ebbs and flows now tempered with doubt and worry. Still loving and missing my Sweet Pea with every heartbeat but the pain seems muted now to persistent emptiness.