Encouragement

I talked to C. on the phone yesterday. It's the first time we've spoken since the Great Pick Up Debacle. I didn't know if she was avoiding me or what. Didn't really care there for a while. She did answer my email informing her of my diagnosis and was very supportive. Anyway, she asked a few questions about the diagnosis and the egg donor situation. Toward the end, she said I should go for it. Also, that I've come this far and why should I stop now? This is the first time, through all of this, that anyone told me what they thought I should do or gave me encouragement to go forward. Don't get me wrong, the people who know have been very supportive in a "whatever you decide" kind of way. But C. wasn't around when I felt as though I was sliding toward the edge of the earth so she didn't handle me with kid gloves. And of course she's known for speaking her mind. I love her for that. I've also hated her for that in the past...good with the bad I guess. Even though I've decided to go forward I needed to hear that touch of outside encouragement.

I'm becoming frustrated because I cannot find any information anywhere about single women using donor sperm AND a donor egg. I've found a few mentions of it here and there but no real info. No blogs, articles, anything. There is plenty of stuff out there about couples using either donor sperm or donor egg and in a few cases both, but nothing about the singleton view of things. I know I'm not a pioneer so if anyone out there in blogland knows of any websites, blogs, anything, please, please give me a shout out.

I walked over to the farm and E. was there with the girls. Stretch is in the middle of her first real science project and struggling. E. became a little impatient, Stretch a little attutudy. I think they weren't sure what the expectations for the assignment were. We ended up having a little fun with it and I think Stretch will be successful. It's sort of a taste test with different kinds of soda. I bombed horribly, of course, since I do not drink the stuff. I showed Stretch how to make a table with Word and she did well and seemed to enjoy it. DollFace came back home with me for a while. She's such a sunny soul. When we went back, she was ready to feed cows with Paw Paw, ride the pony with Mark, milk cows with Dad. Full of questions and ready to try everything. I love my nieces and can't wait to bring them a cousin.

The Day After

Procedure went very smoothly and I was impressed with how efficient and skilled everyone was especially after all the trouble I had with doing the preop information on the phone. I woke up from the surgery crying. Not from physical pain. I was aware of crying before I was aware of being awake or where I was. My sadness must run very deep to surface at a time like that.

I do think I stuck my dorky foot in my mouth a few times with Dr. H. And I have to go to his office on Wed. for the follow up and to see if he's gotten any info from Dr. AA. If it weren't for getting that info I probably wouldn't bother with the follow up. I remember I went for the follow up years ago when I had this same procedure and he popped in for 2 minutes and said everything was fine and the pathology was clear. Really no need for an office visit to tell me that.

Dr. H. said that he hasn't gotten a call back from Dr. AA though. I'm disappointed by this. Does Dr. AA think I'm trying to weasel some info out of him? I'm just trying to get some info earlier. I told Dr. H. that I had Dr. AA's email and that he usually answered very quickly. He said to call the office and leave the email address. I keep wondering what both these drs true impression of me is. I'm always saying strange things and making weird jokes or crying when I'm around Dr. H. Mom said that my heart rate and blood pressure went up when Dr. H. came in the room. Of course....he's hot and I have a giant, though harmless, crush on him. Dr. AA probably doesn't even really remember me at this point. But he knows Dr. H. is trying to get info for me and that I chose to have Dr. H. do the surgery rather than him. Soon he will know that I'm getting a second opinion. I don't know why this matters so much to me. It shouldn't matter. They are health care professionals who I pay to care for me. Why do these thoughts keep running around my brain?

I'm going to the Japanese restaurant Shogun and then the comedy club to celebrate a friend's birthday tonight. I'm looking forward to it and cannot wait to have a few laughs and get my mind off my reproductive problems for a few hours.

Procedure Day

Just a few minutes to blog. Hysterscopy, poylpectimy and D & C today. I'm not nervous or scared. The worst has already happened. I told S. that on the phone and she said it was time for me to start scrambling. You know, when you're down in the dumps, then you have to scramble up the hill. So here I am flexing my scrambling muscles. It might look ugly but I'm doing my best.

I have been obsessively looking at profiles of donor egg women online. As much as I say I'm still thinking about it, really I think deep down I've made my choice. I cannot stop this journey. I just can't. I've already got a few favorite profiles, one woman in particular I can't get out of my mind.

Ponderings and Exercise

I registered for the donor egg website so I must be considering this fairly seriously. You cannot look at the profiles without registering. One on hand, how many obstacles will it take to convince me that maybe this is not supposed to happen. On the other hand, I've never been so passionate about anything in my life. Anything. Also, I can't seem to stop. When my ex who became my known donor pooped out on me, the decision was made very quickly to switch to donor sperm. There was no hesitation and I picked a donor very quickly and felt confident it was the right choice. Donor egg is a different story. Is it really that different from adopting?

I told J. at work. She was very kind. Now someone at work will have my back if I fall apart or have random absences for infertility appointments. I hope she holds my secret. I know she will but she is human and this is BIG. Her sister-in-law is currently using a donor egg due to cancer. A few weeks ago, before I found out about my dried up eggs, she said something about this. I remember I was like a laser beam shooting questions at her. Finally, she was like "Dude, I really don't know that much about the situation". (Yes, she really uses the word Dude all the time.) Some sort of foreshadow of things to come? She said today that she'd try to find out some info for me.

I went to the gym tonight and worked out for the first time in a few weeks. I really pushed myself and even when my hips started hurting I didn't want to stop. Level 13 on the bike, I've never gone that high before. I think I could feel the tension and toxins leaving my body. I have a very weird visualization I do when on the bike. I picture the stress and tension leaving my body through my toes. In my head it usually looks like flecks or chunks of black ash that stream out of my big toes as my feet fly around and around. I don't know how I came up with this strategy and I know it's a little nuts but it works for me. Today the tension leaving my toes looked like thick black green sludge about the consistency of molasses. I must keep doing things that are good for me.

Worried

Things I Am Worried About:

-my blood pressure was very high when I went to see Dr. H. about removing the polyp, I'm worried it will be too high for them to do the procedure.
-getting upcoming procedure
-what Dr. H. will tell me during the follow up
-what Dr. AA will tell me during the phone conference
-how to handle second opinion
-second opinion
-going forward with donor egg, if possible
-going forward with some sort of adoption proceedings
-will I be able to sleep tonight
-should I tell a co-worker who I share an office with what's going on
-should I tell my principal
-I don't seem to have much interest in food these days, will binging come back with a vengeance?

And the number one thing I'm worried about tonight---
How will I move forward if becoming a mother is not possible?

Enter....Donor Egg?

Today I'm feeling so much better. Last night, I started thinking about donor eggs, donor embryos and reading about them online. As the thought that I could still pull this off entered my mind, it was the only time in the past week I've felt anything like hope or interest in anything. I KNOW I'm being overly dramatic, I KNOW. But it's how I feel. Also, I think the drugs left my body. Combination of sleeping pill and antidepressant. I don't think it was good for me. Not sure, keeping them both and considering further use. I feel so much better today, but I'm afraid it might be temporary. Quite a few tough things to go through still.

I emailed my mom and asked her if she thought I should consider donor eggs. She responded:
"I can't help but think of when we were trying to get Joy bred. If you remember, she totally refused the male, even got vicious. After several tries, she was examined & found to have constrictions & had to be spayed. Phil said Mother Nature was trying to tell us something. When there's that much trouble conceiving, the pregnancy &/or delivery would have been very difficult, even life-threatening. I"m not saying I don't agree with it. I am saying it needs to be thoroughly investigated before making a decision. As much pain as you're in now, it could be worse. But, it wouldn't hurt to do the investigating & ask both drs. questions & more questions. I also think you need some time to heal from this. I have faith that you will do what needs to be done to make the right decision for you. If you're at all concerned about a child conceived in this way being accepted and loved by us, you really don't need to be at all concerned about that, you know that, right? Be assured we love you so much & it's so hard seeing you hurt like this. We'll do everything we can to help you through this, just let us know how. Please realize you have our total support in whatever decision you make. Does this help?"

I have a great mom.

The appointment with the 2nd opinion is not until March 12. Seems so far away. I've never gotten a second opinion on anything and I'm nervous about it. If #2 has the same finding as Dr. A.A. I'll want to return to Dr. A.A. for further treatment, if any. But he'll know I got that second opinion and will he treat me differently for not trusting him. It's not that I don't trust him, but this is big time shit with my life! Should I email him and explain all this? Or grow up and realize this kind of thing happens all the time.

As usual, my local hospital's right hand doesn't know what it's left hand is doing. They wanted me to call for a health history and to give me instructions. When I called back, I got transferred FIVE times and disconnected TWO times. Finally, I left a message and will try again tomorrow. grrr

School.
For the first time since I became a reading teacher one and a half years ago, I felt impatient with my students this afternoon. Thank you, Infertility. One of the reasons I took the opportunity to leave the classroom was that the stress made me impatient and annoyed with the kids. I have absolutely loved being a reading teacher, teaching in small groups took all the stress away and left only the joy. Granted, it seemed to be a wild day for the whole school. Too much indoor recess and teachers stressed over testing. The morning was good though. Good to be busy and purposeful. Good to have my thoughts on something else besides the dried up raisins that are my eggs. Look...I made a little joke....I must be feeling more myself.

Soup and Fondue

I know things must be bad with me because my mom brought me food today. Broccoli cheese soup. But I didn't eat any. I feel like there's an emergency light in my brain. You should eat something," it flashes. And a while later, "REALLY, you should eat something." "Time to bathe." "Brush your teeth." "These are socially acceptable basics, you need to do these things." I used to laugh when people said they were so upset they just couldn't eat. Please....upset usually drives me right to the cookie jar. But now I understand. I could care less. The world passes me by and I don't care much. The polyp in my uterus could be precancerous, oh well. Mealtimes pass by and I don't even notice.

I'm doing better though. I'm on to worrying that the "newness" of this drug will wear off and I'll crash. I'm hoping to be off it in a few weeks when I've made a few decisions.

Weeks ago I made plans to go to the M.elting P.ot with my yayas. They all seemed to think it was still a good idea for me to go. So I went because I had to. I have to carry on with normal activities. I have to. I felt like I was a far away spectator or watching outside my body. I can't really say it was fun but I'm overwhelmed with gratitude to my amazing friends for trying to drag me back from the edge. Even though I didn't feel normal at all, it was good to be around "normal".

Thank God for Drugs

Holding it together better today. I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I tried to get up and moving but I was having a hard time catching my breath...couldn't focus or stop crying but I managed to get ready for work. And I took the first anti-depressant. It's a miracle drug as far as I'm concerned. I don't know how it worked so fast, placebo effect or whatever, don't really care. Halfway to work, the being on the edge feeling stopped. I suddenly didn't feel like I was holding back hysteria with a very thin veneer of sanity. The urge to cry stopped. I was able to hold it together. I still don't really care about anything but I'm so relieved to have the tight, desperate, end of the world feeling abate. I was able to fake my way through the day, even through an afternoon of meetings with my principal. I even managed to fake a few smiles and jokes. I am far from ok. But I feel closer to ok than I have all week.

Last night about 30 minutes after I posted, Mom came over. She hugged me and said all the right things. Even stroked my hair like I was a little kid. She tried to distract me with family gossip. I am so relieved she did that. I wish she could really make it all better like when I was younger.

I'm going to try a sleeping pill tonight. Maybe a real night's sleep will help me. Mom told E. I was in a bad way and "doped up". I guess she's right. I don't want to make these things a habit at all but I need some kind of relief or I will go over the edge.

Can't Stop Crying

I'm thinking of giving up blogging. Thinking of giving up everything. I did manage to make it to work today but I was only faking at functioning. I realize there are worse things in the world, of course. What's going on in Haiti should be enough to snap me out of it. but I really can't think of a worse thing to have happen to me personally. If I don't stop crying soon, I'll go off the edge. I've never felt like this. Like life as I know it is over. The shine has gone out, never to return. Even as I write that I know it's overly dramatic. Being childless is not the worst thing that can happen, life will somehow go on.

Dr. Hottie is going to remove the polyp. He was actually very encouraging. Damn him. He's going to talk to Dr. A.A. personally. Like that's going to change things. But he thinks he can get my blood test results and some more info before the phone conference which is 3 weeks away. I can't help feeling the journey is over. He gave me some sleeping pills so I may get some relief.

Managed to tell my parents. Even my dad who didn't know anything about any of it. We're not huggers so I didn't expect that. They were both seemed very sad and quiet about the whole thing. My mom left the room for a few minutes at one point, I think she was crying. They did ask a few questions. My dad wanted to know why the dr. wasted my money for a year before getting me to a specialist. Then I had to tell him I was trying on my own with a friend the "natural" way for six months before going to the regular dr. Could not have been more uncomfortable. I know they are sad for me and I think they just didn't know what to say or how to make it better. It was so silent for so long at one point, I said I had to go home for the 7pm cry. My mom followed me out, I think she tried to hug me. Guess she just couldn't go all the way though.

To Sum It Up.

To sum up my day:

Woke up crying, couldn't bring myself to go to work.
Stopped crying, started moping.
Watched TV, started crying again.
Wrote a blanket email to yayas and waited for the Cavalry.
Looked up adoption information.
Looked up other Fertility Clinics in my area
Made an appt. with Dr. Hottie, hoping he can remove polyp and give me some advice.
Thought about how I would talk to Dr. H. without crying.
Wondered if everyday would be touched with sadness from now on.
Wondered if I was being too dramatic.
Read about mini-IVF and felt like I was grasping at straws in desperation.
Cried some more.
Picked up DollFace.
Hid my pain from my bro when he picked her up.
Wondered how I would tell my family.
Breathed in and out all day long.

I think I got a lot done. Don't you?
Thank you everyone for your comments. They were all very encouraging to read.