News Flash: Donor Decision Made

BIG NEWS! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

I've picked a donor and I'm going to book the April cycle! I am very excited to have some ginormous decisions made and be moving forward. I have come full circle by choosing a donor I had first considered weeks ago. My donor is a smart, healthy and funny young lady who has big dreams and she looks enough like me that I think she won't stick out in an obvious way. She is the "stubborn" one I mentioned earlier. I am very grateful and humbled to be able to invite these genes into my family.

There are two things I'm worried about. Of course, what would a single step of this journey be without at least a little worry? This donor has A negative blood, I'm O positive. Every article I've read says it really doesn't matter but mostly those are about fetuses with differing blood types not about a body accepting and implanting an opposite blood typed embryo. Seems like my body would be more likely to reject a seed that doesn't have similar blood type. The second thing is that is that she is young. 24 I'm worried that she won't be responsible with medication or will back out. I feel that even considering the daunting and miraculous undertaking of becoming a donor indicates maturity but she's very young. I should look for the best I know....but I can't help but worry a little.

When Dr. 2's nurse told me that they are affiliated with a religious hospital and he doesn't work with single patients, I sort of went through a few minutes of grief and anger. All the emotions of being told I couldn't conceive my own genetic children came rushing back and the unfairness of this whole long, grueling journey. I asked the nurse if they could recommend anyone else who would work with me on a second opinion. Well, the first name out of her mouth was someone who Dr. Hottie had steered me away from, too cutting edge and out for the fame, does some stuff that may be very risky, he said. I made an appointment with the second name she gave me but it isn't for months.

And so my decision to go ahead was made. I cannot wait the months and months for the second opinion. I simply can't. The time is now. I want to start my family. My womb has been empty far too long and is craving fullness. My heart is crying out for a child to love. I was made to be a mother and I can't wait any longer.

If I had any lingering little doubt about using donor DNA, it was quashed by this article. So much of it resonated with me, except the husband part of course. lol

Especially the last paragraph:

"When a friend said to me recently, "I'm sure your boys will be tall, like you are!" I nodded before remembering, and reminding her, that genetically, my children aren't related to me. I had to laugh. When you're busy playing hide-and-seek and reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar and scraping peas off the floor, the last thing you think about is your babies' DNA."

I'm going to have a wonderful, amazing, unbelievable family. It doesn't really matter how we came to be together.

In other news, as I was driving to work on Friday a silly teenager with frosted over windows did not see me and t-boned right into the side of my car. Thank God, we were both going pretty slow, I was able to avoid ramming into a third car and no one was hurt. My car was hurt though. Smashed in front quarter panel and it looked like the wheel was bent in. She was insured and I've got a nice rental. Mostly it's a huge hassle.

In other, other news. I went to a friend's 50th birthday party last night. Some of my retired friends were there and they were all swapping stories about hot flashes. And THEN, one of them turned to me and said "You're still in your 40's, aren't you? You don't have to worry about this stuff for a while." Ummmm I'M ONLY 38! Do you hear me? 38! I used to be told that I looked younger than my age and I never really worried about getting older. Now that I'm facing "advanced maternal age", I think about it a lot. Thank you, Infertility.

In still other news, C. has a screw up little sister, A. I hate to say that about her but she really is messed up. She does drugs, steals (she once stole C.'s wedding ring) and cannot hold down a job for more than a few months at a time. Anyway, apparently A. has this bartender friend who just found out she is pregnant. She's 22 and already has a 3 year old she's struggling to take care of. Previously, C. had told some of my story to A, trying to put feelers out for anyone A. might know who would want to be an egg donor. Can you see where this is going?

Well I guess when this friend was hysterical and crying on A.'s shoulder for hours about how is she going to take care of this new baby, she's barely making it already etc. A. mentioned me and kind of talked me up as a potential adoptive mom. I'm genuinely surprised and touched that A. thought of me. Apparently, this girl was only able to calm down after hearing about me.

Now, my instinct is that this is not going to happen. This girl somehow made it work when she was 19 and having a baby, she'll realize she can somehow make it now too. She's just panicking right now.

I would have some serious thinking to do too. You hear those stories about birth mothers taking the children away from the adoptive mothers. I know I would have to do some major research and seriously button up everything legally. Thankfully, S.'s dad is a judge and I know he would help me. I don't think I could survive the broken heart if she changed her mind and took the little one back.

She told A. she would only be interested in open adoption and I'm not sure how much drama that could be inviting into a child's life. Not to mention mega abandonment issues for the baby considering she kept the first child. Also, she's a bartender and A.'s friend. What has she been drinking and doing while she's pregnant? She doesn't know who the father is, it could be one of a series of men.

Ohhhh, the unfairness of it all!!!!! It doesn't seem right that this gal gets pregnant so easily and here I am wanting it with every breath of my being, working at it full time and I can't. In the stoic words of my father, "That is not something we can control".

Poptarts

Things I do not like:

• teenagers who neglect to scrape the frost off their car, thus cannot see you and ram into the side of your car
• 2nd opinion doctors who WILL NOT work with single women
• waking up with that scratchy feeling in the back of your throat that means you're getting sick
• working on Saturday

Things I do like:

• Poptarts

Project Preggers: Stand by

What does it say about me that I don't have much to write about since I'm in a holding pattern on Project Preggers? I'm boring? I lead a quiet life? I'm obsessed with getting pregnant?

I could write about my early pick for American Idol. (Paige Miles, of course with that name I'm sure she's a winner)

Or my pick for the gold in the Olympic Ladies Figure Skating (The Canadian gal)

Or the problems I've been having with mini-binges (had a legit reason to stop at Walgreen's and then bought a bunch of candy)

Or that I've be working out this week (yay, me)

Or how I've been daydreaming about walking around barefoot and feeling the sun on my face (soooo weary of cold, brown, dreary February)

Or that two of my students at school are academically growing like crazy and I couldn't be prouder. (This is why I went into teaching!)

But....what I've really been thinking about is the choice to push the IVF to May. I really don't want to wait. I really want to be pregnant as soon as possible. A part of my brain doesn't care what Dr. 2 has to say. Another part thinks I already know what he's going to say so why bother. An egg donor is the fastest way to grow my family and I want to move forward. Now, dammit! Now!

Then I remember, I will wonder for the rest of my life what that doctor might have said and how it could have changed the course of my life.

And so the days grind by and I wait....

Misc. Monday

MONDAY! Ughhh. An exhausting day at school. I didn't sleep well. I kept dreaming that I was a white haired old lady in a wheel chair and I was seeing a new fertility doctor who looked like Bob Costas. Don't need Freud to analyze that one.

I'm trying to recover from the weekend binge. I try so hard to deter the feeling of binging before it happens but it seems that after I've been fighting it and fighting it, I cross the point of no return and NOTHING can stop me. I have a thousand thoughts of stopping during the process of buying and taking the food home but I don't stop. I need to learn how to translate these thoughts into action or lack thereof. But.........how?

Going to work helps. I ate well today and exercised. I know exercise is the only thing that will pull me out of this winter slump and maybe I'll sleep better tonight. Stay away Dr. Bob Costas!!

Friday is our Black History Program at school. They are doing a tribute to Micheal Jackson. At first I cringed because although as a child of the 80's I'm very much a fan of the music, I wasn't sure it was the best choice. I mean, is he really the best role model for children? My office is next to the music room and I've been able to hear them practicing for months now. Unfortunately the music teacher, who is a friend of mine, broke her ankle. It was a very serious break and she won't be able to finish preparing the children for the program. I'm very proud of the way our staff has pulled together to help. The song choices are really very touching and the music teacher has taught some of the classes to sing in two or three part harmony. We are all going to wear black and white. I am looking forward to seeing each class bring to fruition all their hard work.

In Olympic news:

I believe this is the face of courage:

Lindsey Vonn: Skied to a gold metal on an injured shin

and this is the face of innovation:

Shaun White: Double Cork....need I say more?

Here is the face of determination:

Apolo Ohno: 7 Olympic metals, in the running for two more.

And let's face it, this face is just plain adorable:

Bode Miller

The Most February of Days

I worked ISAT Saturday this morning. I was dreading it but the children were very good and it went by very fast. Not many kids showed up so we were able to work with small groups which is always more effective.

I had a discontented and bingy afternoon. Yep, I'll cop to a full fledged, planned binge. I've been teetering all week and today tipped. Feeling physically sick and emotionally disappointed in myself. I couldn't settle all afternoon. I was sad but couldn't work up any tears. I tried to watch TV but couldn't focus. Tried to take a nap but couldn't drift off. I thought about all the things I could be doing, but just couldn't seem to get started on anything. It was the most February feeling of all the February days so far.

I'm aiming to be more productive tomorrow if nothing else. Here's what I'd like to get done:

-paperwork for Dr. 2 - this is a MUST
-tidy back room and sort stuff for donation
-clean kitchen
-enter CPDUs into state website
-exercise
-bake for Yummy Monday

If I get 5 of these 6 done I'll be content.

Here is an email my mom sent me today in response to one I'd sent her about the new Princess Egg.

"It's all a crap shoot anyway. Like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Remember me telling you of a friend of Dad's? Had 5 girls & everyone of them had different coloring. How tall is this gal? Is this the second choice one?"

I had to be amused because she wrote almost word for word what we had talked about a few weeks ago when egg donation first came up and what I wrote in yesterday's post.

Red Haired Princess Egg

I'm in love with a new egg donor. She has curly, red hair, freckles and has delicate features. Like a tiny Irish fairy princess.

I don't know much about her. When the Donor Egg Lady emailed to tell me my first choice was taken, she also sent some pics of new donors. So new their info isn't even available yet. So I only know what I can tell from the pic. Which, of course, is not very much. I have to say I loved the Princess' looks at first sight.

My mother is fond of saying that her family is 1% Irish. Mostly we're German. Sturdy, stocky, ruddy complexions. Just what you'd imagine. And mostly we all look like each other. Would it be doing a child from this donor's genetic background a disservice to invite it into our family? Would the child stick out in an obvious and perhaps painful or embarrassing way? Would I feel like a huge galoot next to them? Isn't it enough of a challenge for him or her to be conceived in such a completely unconventional way?

Except for the red hair and blue eyes, this young lady looks nothing like me. I should probably add that my hair is "red". You can read that "really dishwater blond but has had a red dye job for years" Or "red head wannabe". My mother says that I really was a red headed baby. And also that when if comes to babies it really doesnt' matter because it's like Forest Gump's chocolate box. You never know what you're going to get even if you are genetically related. And then she tells a story about a family she knew when she was growing up. There were 5 daughters in the family and they all had different hair colors and skin tones. And then there's the sperm donor to consider.

My original second choice is lovely too. As I've said before, I know I really can't go wrong. Except....my second choices profile says that she's stubborn. She mentions it three times mostly in relation to her childhood. Is stubbornness a nurture thing or a nature thing?

Money, Tests, Choices, NOT Binging

Phone conference with Money Lady:
On the phone she said I was well insured and it seemed like the total for everything would be much lower than I had thought. Yay!

Then...
She called back and said there was a mistake on the insurance provider's end and that anything for the donor wouldn't be covered.

I'm struck by the unfairness of having to pay, pay, pay for what most people get for free. Why can't I be in the "most people" category. I'm happy to pay if it means I can build a family but sheesh!

Blood Test Results:

FSH 15
LH 6
Testosterone 67 The normal range is 20-76. So I was in range but seems kinda high?
and many, many others.

Not sure what it means but I do know that I was not really able to find any success stories about women having success if their FSH was over 12 or so. I'm frightened of damaged eggs and damaged babies. Not sure I could survive that.

Choosing a Donor:

The donor agency can't seem to get in touch with my first choice. I have to make a decision and get some money in to both the agency and clinic by next Friday if I want to book the April cycle. Would I regret not waiting and just going for my second choice? Also, by waiting I would have time to go to my second opinion appointment and digest what he had to tell me. So very difficult to have patience. I want to get moving and become pregnant. This waiting can drive a person crazy.

School:

Today was the second of two days of professional development. My back is aching from sitting all day long. And tomorrow will be more sitting for our usual Friday meetings. The PD provider is a marathon runner. She has such a lean little body. I can't help but wonder what it must feel to look like that.

Binging:

I've been craving sugar like crazy all day long! I could so easily go into a binge here. So easily. I did have some sugar today. A few pieces of candy at the meeting, a couple small cookies at lunch and a cupcake with DollFace, but it was not mindless eating. I am trying very hard to will myself away from binging. Tomorrow is our Soul Food Luncheon in honor of Black History Month. God give me strength because I know that will be some good grub.

Brass Tacks

Well, it's getting down to the brass tacks. I'm trying to finalize a decision on a donor and I have a phone conference with the money person at the clinic. Getting ready to write some very hefty checks. Doing that is making it "real". It is also giving me ummm cold feet. Just a mild case, mind you. I keep weighing the risks. If this doesn't work, it could break me. Emotionally, mentally, financially..,.every possible way. Is it worth the risk? 100% YES! I have little nagging doubts every day but if nothing comes of this I want to know for certain that I did everything possible to achieve my little bit of something wonderful.

Choosing a donor is very daunting. Funny because although I spent plenty of time looking at sperm donor profiles, I did not fret or feel near as much uncertainty as I have with the egg donor. I have spent many hours studying the few profiles available to me, looking for just the right one. All the women are beautiful and the fact that they are donors makes them beautiful on the inside as well. I would love for my child to have that kind of giving spirit. I keep telling myself that I really can't go wrong.



In Olympic news:

I believe this is the hottest thing on skates!

I cannot wait to see Evan Lysacek beat the Russian tomorrow night in figure skating!

GO USA! GO USA! GO USA!

My Cookie Monster

We were a day late in creating these tiny Valentine treats but I think they are the cutest cookies in the world! We had such a good time today making these mini works of art. I think I should quit my job and become an upscale baker. Maybe TLC would want to film a reality show about me and my rebel transition from mild mannered school marm to wacky and wild baker. It could be called "The Baking Bitch" or "The Crazy Cookie Lady". Any other suggestions?

DollFace took this pic of me:










I didn't have any make up on but I think infertility has aged me! I don't remember looking that tired around the eyes a few months or even weeks ago! I wasn't really feeling tired.

Mental note: start saving for an eye job.


P.S. Yesterday was the first Valentines Day in years that I didn't binge like a mad woman. Interesting, no? I probably made up for it today with the "Quality Control" while decorating cookies. But I'm kind of proud of myself for not using the Hallmark holiday as an excuse to over indulge because I was feeling badly about being alone. I'm still alone and would still like to find my someone, but I'm ok on my own. Really, ok! I don't get that huge, painful, empty heart feeling anymore. I'm more secure about myself now. Also, I have something else BIG on my plate right now that could be distracting me and I'm not talking about that giant sized cookie.

Phone Consult...Finally

The Dr. said he would call around noon today. At 12:50 I was in the midst of firing off an email to him when the phone rang. Thank God! He apologized very profusely and really did sound like he had laryngitis. He said all my blood tests looked good and I could go forward with donor eggs if I wanted. Whew! He answered all my questions and was very kind. I should look for the clinical manager to get in touch with me about medications and it looks like April will be THE cycle. I've got an email in to the donor egg agency and will be getting the ball rolling with them.

I'm still getting the second opinion but I would like to stay with this clinic. It comes highly recommended. Now that I've cooled off and taken a step back I remember other patients who went there saying they were very on top of things. They do have a very good success rate and I need that on my side. Also, I like being able to contact Dr. AA or any of the staff anytime through email.

Weeks ago I picked out two donors that I like, not that there was all that much choice. There were about a dozen profiles of donors. A few were African American. A few I disallowed for health reasons or because they smoked. I'm sure it wouldn't be a big deal. People who smoke get pregnant everyday but I need the best, healthiest chance I can get.

I'm disappointed that there aren't more profiles offered for egg donors. Unlike the thousands of profiles of sperm donors I looked through to find the perfect one. Dr. AA offered to send me a list of possible donor agencies but when I told him that this agency had about 12 local donors on their website he said that was quite a few and I probably wouldn't be able to find that many locally with any other agency. This such a huge decision! In a way I'm more comfortable making it because picking a sperm donor warmed me up but picking a sperm donor seems small compared to this. I don't know why they are both 5o% of the equation. Or maybe they are each 40 and I'm 10?

I'm also changing my sperm donor. I adored #112535 A.K.A. Dave Indevial and couldn't wait to see our red-headed babies but it seems like a good time for a fresh start. So, Dave if you're out there, thank you for all the good times we had together. The ordering, the calls to your bank to ask copious questions about you, the anxious waiting, the wondering if you'd fit into the budget this month, the time I had you delivered to my house and you lived in my garage for a few days. I will cherish them all but it is time for me to move on.

Also, Dave was anonymous and I decided that I would like an open donor now. I figure if a kid is going to come from not one, but two donors, he or she should be able to meet both sides of where they come from, if they wish. Not very logical but it just wasn't important to me before, now it is.

It is completely mind blowing to think that two separate people who are strangers to each other and to me and who live thousands of miles away from each other are coming together with my doctors, embryologist and an assorted cast of dozens of others to create my miracle. It is a wonderful world we live in.

Happy Valentines Day! I'm coming for you Baby! I'm coming! Look for me because I'm sure trying to find you.