In my wildest dreams, I never thought that one of the last things I would do in 2010 would be to read autopsy and pathology reports on my son. It feels wrong in the very deepest level of my being. How can this have happened? How could my beautiful pregnancy have ended this way? Why is my beloved baby boy dead? Why am I still here on earth without him? No matter how long I think about these things or how hard I try, there is no answer. I will never understand.
There was one thing in the autopsy that made me smile:
"Appropriate for gestational age.
1. Weight: 319 grams (normal expected 174-452 grams)
2. Crown-Heel Length: 27 cm (normal expected 22.6-27.2 cm)
3. Crown-Rump Length: 19 cm (normal expected 16.0-20.0 cm)
4. Head Circumference: 16.5 cm
5. Foot Length: 3.4 cm (normal expected 2.7-3.9 cm)"
My boy was big and tall! He would have been a big, little guy.
Below this was the placenta pathology. It said: "Large blood clot, 6 cm in largest dimension, adherent to maternal surface."
6cm! I was appalled when I read that. This seems huge. I actually got out a ruler and looked at this measurement. That thing must have been about the size of a baseball. I was angry. How was something that large not seen on the ultrasound two days before? It seems impossible that something that large could grow in the short amount of time between the ultrasound on Thursday and the abruption on Saturday.
I have, the support group leader, Robin's words ringing in my ears. I spoke to her the day after the support group and I asked her more about her thoughts on Dr. H. She's a labor and delivery nurse and works with Dr. H regularly. She said she wasn't sure he was a liar really but that he had so many patients and always seemed in a hurry and maybe cut some corners. I couldn't get that phrase out of my head today. "cut some corners"
I was so alarmed and upset that I called Robin back today and told her about this 6cm clot. I also emailed my aunt, who is a nurse. They both said the same thing. A clot this large really could grow in a very short amount of time. My aunt said it could have been formed in minutes. My aunt said there is no way to know which happened first. The abruption causing the clot, or the clot formed first and caused the placenta to start separating. Robin said that even a full term baby would have struggled to survive this even if it happened in the hospital and was delivered immediately since the placenta tearing away would have taken the baby's oxygen supply.
I told Robin that her words were nagging at me. She apologized and said she should not have said that. That Dr. H. was a good doctor. That his medicine is solid but that she did think he rushed sometimes. She assured me that if he had seen something on the ultrasound he definitely would have done something. I wonder if she said that just to ease my mind. I doubt what everyone says now.
I know I'm desperately looking for some answers and probably seeing trouble where there is none. Could he have rushed through looking at our ultrasound and missed something? This thought haunts me.
I want to believe Dr. H is a good doctor and that there wasn't a thing he or I could have done to save Greyson.
I have to believe that.
I want to believe that this was all out of our hands. I loved my baby so much and did the best I could to care for him. I wish it had been enough or that the doctor had seen something or that it just wasn't part of our story.
2010 ended with the 4 worst weeks of my life. I never knew there could be this much pain in one person's heart. I'm not sure how I survived it and sometimes wonder how I will continue survive it.
But 2010 also gave me the 20 happiest weeks of my life.
I became a mother.
My fairytale really did come true in 2010,
only it was far too brief
and there is no happy ending for me.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Dead Baby Appointment
How I was dreading this day and looking forward to getting past it at the same time. I wish I didn't have to go to that place for this reason. This should have been my 24 week check up, I should still be pregnant, Sweet Pea should still be alive and kicking on that ultrasound. I should have been happy to see Dr. H, not dreading what he has to say. I'm strangely a little sad to see this appointment come and go too because it will be the last appointment for Greyson and take me a little further away from the halcyon time when he was with me.
It was a mini-walk through hell within the bigger walk through hell my life has become. First of all, after I signed in the bouncy little girl at the desk asked if I was there for an ultrasound. I said, "No, I lost my baby 3 weeks ago." To which she responded, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did they still want you to have an ultrasound?" Umm...really? The physician's assistant who called me the week after it happened said she would take care of switching my folder. Further, I can't believe they don't train these children better. My GOD, what a thing to have to deal with. And the waiting...it was horrible. I nearly lost it several times but knew that if I did I wouldn't be able to listen or learn anything. I texted with MB and kept thinking...Stay focused, focused like a laser beam and learn as much as you can. The nurse, who I consider my nurse, did seem upset for me when she called me back for blood pressure and weight.
Dr. Hottie was genuinely kind and I might even say had a loving attitude toward me during our time together. In a doctorly way, not a creepy way. Intermingled with the medical stuff, he acknowledged everything I'm feeling. He said he knew how hard it was to come in there today and that it was a tough time of year to have something like this happen. He admitted up front that he doesn't really have the answers or know everything and that what he tells me today is his best guess. He took his time answering my questions, and was with me for over an hour.
He talked about how nothing could have been done by either of us to save the pregnancy or the baby. This is just something that sometimes happens. He was adamant that it was nothing I did that caused it. That there was no way I could have known an hour before when I felt the weird pressure what was happening and that even if I had called him when I felt the pressure it would not have changed the outcome. I asked him if he knew when I called him that it was over or soon to be over. He said he was very worried when I told him what had happened considering the amount of fluid and blood and that I was in the 20th week of pregnancy. He said he wanted me to have copies of everything related to the loss because he knew I was intelligent and a reader and researcher.
At one point, I commented that I was holding it together pretty well for our appointment. He said he was wondering about that. That he hadn't seen me show much emotion in the hospital and that had him very concerned and was why he had the assistant call to check on me the next week. I assured him that I wasn't doing very well with the emotional side of things at all but that I was a private cryer (In my head I'm thinking, he wasn't there the whole time in the hospital, what does he know about it). Later, I as I talked to my mom about the appointment she said she had been worried about the same thing, that I was so still in my body and my face was like granite in the hospital and I couldn't or wouldn't let go with emotions. I'm still not sure myself what was going on there. I think the idea of what was happening was so big and terrifying that I just couldn't get my head around it or maybe I was holding it in so tightly I was afraid of what letting loose would feel like.
We talked about antidepressants and I told him I thought I needed to be feeling what I'm feeling right now but how do I know when grief turns to depression? He said when it keeps you from functioning in your daily life. He said it was ok to cry everyday, I told him I cry a lot every day and he said that was to be expected. I told him there wasn't much I enjoyed, he said it was totally normal to feel like that after something like this. Later, I told him I was still bleeding lightly and he asked if it was ok for him to examine me in two weeks and we could revisit antidepressants then. I told him I'd probably have two more pages of questions for him by then. He said to bring them on, he'd answer anything he could.
I left feeling a tiny bit less tight in the chest, if that makes any sense. I still have some niggling worries and would perhaps want to change doctors in the future. This whole experience of losing Greyson has left me so unsure of everything, everything in the world.
Let the overanalyzing of every word the doctor says begin.
Questions for Doctor:
What exactly is what happened to us called: preterm labor, ruptured amniotic sac, PPROM? He walked in saying he thought it was an abruption so I didn't ask this one.
Death certificate says “abruption”? What is this and why wasn’t it seen on ultrasound? He walked in saying that he doesn’t really know, but his best guess is that it was an abruption. A clot or a vascular weak spot formed somewhere along the area where the placenta is attached to the uterine wall causing the placenta to detach. Once it detached the sac ruptured causing preterm labor. But really there is no way to know what happened.
Causes: None of these had anything to do with the abruption.
Age and weight? It was a donor egg so age was not a factor. I have no medical problems with weight such as diabetes or high blood pressure so that was probably not a factor.
Viral or bacterial infection? Gardnerella? Test? We were tested for these and it was negative.
Donor egg/Donor sperm? This is a more risky situation but probably did not cause the abruption.
Laptop use daily, sometimes actually over my abdomen? Not a cause.
Strenuous and long day a few days before and an activity where I had to reach up many times?
Not a cause.
My female donor has no knowledge of her father, could something in his background have led to this? Most likely not a cause but can't say for sure because we don't know what information we're missing.
Two days before at our 20 week ultrasound, you said you couldn’t see the bottom
of the heart and wanted us to have another ultrasound. Could this have something to do with it? Not a cause.
Greyson’s autopsy? The baby was totally normal. And all my blood tests came back normal as well.
I had a large gush of bleeding 12 hours after my four week internal ultrasound with Dr. A. They said it was caused by cervical irritation, old blood pooling at the bottom of the uterus and looking for a way out. Could this somehow be related? This could be related. There could have been a very small abruption at this time and then it healed itself but continued as a weak spot as the placenta and uterus grew. Again no way to know for sure. There was a lot of medical mumbo jumbo about blood in the uterus. He stated that any bleeding at all was considered not normal.
Is there something wrong with my uterus or cervix that it can’t hold things in? My uterus and cervix seem fine. On my 4 and 6 week ultrasounds with Dr. A my cervix was “long and closed”. Everything looked normal. I’ve read about something called “incompetent cervix” How do you know? Same answer as above.
Was there anything at all on the ultrasound indicating a problem of any kind? No, the ultrasound looked completely normal. It could have been on the ultrasound but they are in grayscale and you can’t always tell because even these days the quality of the picture is not good or sometimes the area with the abruption isn’t shown during that particular ultrasound.
I know the first gush of clear fluid was amniotic fluid, where did the blood come from?
A lot of medical mumbo jumbo on this one. What he said I think boils down to when the placenta pulled away from the uterine wall, some blood vessels tore loose with it, my and the placenta's? blood vessels are intertwined at this point. It could have been part my blood, part baby’s.
I was usually able to feel him move while still in bed in the mornings but I didn’t feel him the morning of the 4th. Was something already happening then? It is possible, the abruption could have already been pulling away or it could have been just one of those days he didn’t move. There is no way to tell.
If I had gotten to the hospital when I’d first felt the odd pressure an hour or so before, could something have been done? No, it was an acute case early in fetal development and happened very quickly, nothing could have been done even at this point.
Why was no medication given to stop labor when I got to the hospital? More medical mumbo jumbo. Something about it only being the 20th week and if labor did stop he probably wouldn’t have been able to keep the baby inside for as long as needed to become viable. And something about even if he could have miraculously kept him inside for that long, there would have been a high probability of the abruption causing a serious infection which could be dangerous or fatal to the baby and to me.
If I can gather my shattered soul for another try, when would be the soonest? Physically six months, only if I’m emotionally ready.
Is there a scan or test to tell if my insides are ok to try again? An internal ultrasound.
In, January you removed a polyp from my uterus, is there a chance that could have grown back by now? Yes, an internal ultrasound can see if there are polyps.
Do you think my periods will come back normally? Can’t be sure. Pregnancy sometimes causes periods to come back regularly for people who’ve had irregular ones before. (I've never had irregular periods.)
Considering that Dr. A. diagnosed me with diminished ovarian reserve a year ago…what does this mean concerning my periods and early menopause? It could be a concern, we'll wait and see what happens and take care of any problems as they arise.
What does this mean for trying again? My uterus is healthy and fine so pregnancy is possible with donor egg. A similar hormone protocol would probably be used to simulate a cycle. With medical protocal, technically a 100 year old woman could theoretically get pregnant if the uterus was healthy. I told him I feel 100.
What are the chances something like this happens again? Donor egg and IVF in general is more risky. No one can say what the chances are but it is fortunately something that this doesn’t happen very often. I told him it wasn’t fortunate for ME.
Is it MORE likely to happen again? Not more likely, probably less likely but can’t say for sure.
What are the chances I can survive it if it happens again? Didn’t ask it.
Are there precautions to take if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again? Early and more frequent ultrasounds and consults with perinatologist/high risk OB.
How can you help me manage anxiety if I get pregnant again? Medication only if needed.
Would you be willing to see me as often as I need to reassure me of a safe pregnancy? Yes, he’d see me every day if I wanted. He has an “open door” policy and I could drop in any time for reassurance. He was sure to tell me not all places are like that.
What is the difference between you and a high risk OB/perinatologist? Perinataologist has more knowledge of high risk cases and the statistically odd things that can go wrong. While Dr. H. reads and researches only gyno and ob stuff, Periguy reads and studies only high risk research and articles and sees only high risk patients.
It is my understanding a high risk OB would work with you, do you think I need one? Dr. H would work with the periguy on a consultation basis. Dr. H would still be my OB and deliver baby. Yes, seeing a perinatologist would be a good precaution to take. Then he talked on about some doctors at SLU who would be the best to see.
Would I see the perinatologist before trying to become pregnant again? Yes, a prepregnancy consult would be advised. Sometimes the specialist can see things that might have been wrong that the regular OB can’t see. (I'm wondering why I wasn't sent there with this pregnancy although I know it probably wouldn't have changed things.)
Dr. A put two embryos in me, would this have happened earlier if there had been two? No way to tell, twins sometimes grow from the same placenta, sometimes they each have their own.
Should I have two put in if I try again? Yes, that is standard practice and very much increases the chances of getting pregnant.
Less chance of getting pregnant with frozen embryos, right? No, he thought it was still about the same with frozen embryos considering the newer technology and quick freezing.
Records of pregnancy and loss sent to Dr. A. Yes, they will be sent and a copy given to me as well.
Anxiety attacks? Normal to have these and will get better with time, he prescribed Xanax.
Raging headaches when I wake up? Again normal, probably stress related and will get better with time.
How do you know I don’t have PCOS?
--heavy esp. on top, infertility, weird hair growth, you removed some cysts 5-6 years ago during a D & C.
He thought I did have a very mild form of it but that I didn’t have the metabolic portion of PCOS that would affect pregnancy. (I don't remember hearing of this before.)
I've already begun a new list including:
Why wasn't I sent to the periguy to begin with?
Would you have been able to see the abruption with a 3-D ultrasound?
How do I know if I'm emotionally ready to try again?
Would it have changed things if I didn't have the 6 week internal ultrasound?
Should I have internal ultrasounds in the future?
It was a mini-walk through hell within the bigger walk through hell my life has become. First of all, after I signed in the bouncy little girl at the desk asked if I was there for an ultrasound. I said, "No, I lost my baby 3 weeks ago." To which she responded, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did they still want you to have an ultrasound?" Umm...really? The physician's assistant who called me the week after it happened said she would take care of switching my folder. Further, I can't believe they don't train these children better. My GOD, what a thing to have to deal with. And the waiting...it was horrible. I nearly lost it several times but knew that if I did I wouldn't be able to listen or learn anything. I texted with MB and kept thinking...Stay focused, focused like a laser beam and learn as much as you can. The nurse, who I consider my nurse, did seem upset for me when she called me back for blood pressure and weight.
Dr. Hottie was genuinely kind and I might even say had a loving attitude toward me during our time together. In a doctorly way, not a creepy way. Intermingled with the medical stuff, he acknowledged everything I'm feeling. He said he knew how hard it was to come in there today and that it was a tough time of year to have something like this happen. He admitted up front that he doesn't really have the answers or know everything and that what he tells me today is his best guess. He took his time answering my questions, and was with me for over an hour.
He talked about how nothing could have been done by either of us to save the pregnancy or the baby. This is just something that sometimes happens. He was adamant that it was nothing I did that caused it. That there was no way I could have known an hour before when I felt the weird pressure what was happening and that even if I had called him when I felt the pressure it would not have changed the outcome. I asked him if he knew when I called him that it was over or soon to be over. He said he was very worried when I told him what had happened considering the amount of fluid and blood and that I was in the 20th week of pregnancy. He said he wanted me to have copies of everything related to the loss because he knew I was intelligent and a reader and researcher.
At one point, I commented that I was holding it together pretty well for our appointment. He said he was wondering about that. That he hadn't seen me show much emotion in the hospital and that had him very concerned and was why he had the assistant call to check on me the next week. I assured him that I wasn't doing very well with the emotional side of things at all but that I was a private cryer (In my head I'm thinking, he wasn't there the whole time in the hospital, what does he know about it). Later, I as I talked to my mom about the appointment she said she had been worried about the same thing, that I was so still in my body and my face was like granite in the hospital and I couldn't or wouldn't let go with emotions. I'm still not sure myself what was going on there. I think the idea of what was happening was so big and terrifying that I just couldn't get my head around it or maybe I was holding it in so tightly I was afraid of what letting loose would feel like.
We talked about antidepressants and I told him I thought I needed to be feeling what I'm feeling right now but how do I know when grief turns to depression? He said when it keeps you from functioning in your daily life. He said it was ok to cry everyday, I told him I cry a lot every day and he said that was to be expected. I told him there wasn't much I enjoyed, he said it was totally normal to feel like that after something like this. Later, I told him I was still bleeding lightly and he asked if it was ok for him to examine me in two weeks and we could revisit antidepressants then. I told him I'd probably have two more pages of questions for him by then. He said to bring them on, he'd answer anything he could.
I left feeling a tiny bit less tight in the chest, if that makes any sense. I still have some niggling worries and would perhaps want to change doctors in the future. This whole experience of losing Greyson has left me so unsure of everything, everything in the world.
Let the overanalyzing of every word the doctor says begin.
Questions for Doctor:
What exactly is what happened to us called: preterm labor, ruptured amniotic sac, PPROM? He walked in saying he thought it was an abruption so I didn't ask this one.
Death certificate says “abruption”? What is this and why wasn’t it seen on ultrasound? He walked in saying that he doesn’t really know, but his best guess is that it was an abruption. A clot or a vascular weak spot formed somewhere along the area where the placenta is attached to the uterine wall causing the placenta to detach. Once it detached the sac ruptured causing preterm labor. But really there is no way to know what happened.
Causes: None of these had anything to do with the abruption.
Age and weight? It was a donor egg so age was not a factor. I have no medical problems with weight such as diabetes or high blood pressure so that was probably not a factor.
Viral or bacterial infection? Gardnerella? Test? We were tested for these and it was negative.
Donor egg/Donor sperm? This is a more risky situation but probably did not cause the abruption.
Laptop use daily, sometimes actually over my abdomen? Not a cause.
Strenuous and long day a few days before and an activity where I had to reach up many times?
Not a cause.
My female donor has no knowledge of her father, could something in his background have led to this? Most likely not a cause but can't say for sure because we don't know what information we're missing.
Two days before at our 20 week ultrasound, you said you couldn’t see the bottom
of the heart and wanted us to have another ultrasound. Could this have something to do with it? Not a cause.
Greyson’s autopsy? The baby was totally normal. And all my blood tests came back normal as well.
I had a large gush of bleeding 12 hours after my four week internal ultrasound with Dr. A. They said it was caused by cervical irritation, old blood pooling at the bottom of the uterus and looking for a way out. Could this somehow be related? This could be related. There could have been a very small abruption at this time and then it healed itself but continued as a weak spot as the placenta and uterus grew. Again no way to know for sure. There was a lot of medical mumbo jumbo about blood in the uterus. He stated that any bleeding at all was considered not normal.
Is there something wrong with my uterus or cervix that it can’t hold things in? My uterus and cervix seem fine. On my 4 and 6 week ultrasounds with Dr. A my cervix was “long and closed”. Everything looked normal. I’ve read about something called “incompetent cervix” How do you know? Same answer as above.
Was there anything at all on the ultrasound indicating a problem of any kind? No, the ultrasound looked completely normal. It could have been on the ultrasound but they are in grayscale and you can’t always tell because even these days the quality of the picture is not good or sometimes the area with the abruption isn’t shown during that particular ultrasound.
I know the first gush of clear fluid was amniotic fluid, where did the blood come from?
A lot of medical mumbo jumbo on this one. What he said I think boils down to when the placenta pulled away from the uterine wall, some blood vessels tore loose with it, my and the placenta's? blood vessels are intertwined at this point. It could have been part my blood, part baby’s.
I was usually able to feel him move while still in bed in the mornings but I didn’t feel him the morning of the 4th. Was something already happening then? It is possible, the abruption could have already been pulling away or it could have been just one of those days he didn’t move. There is no way to tell.
If I had gotten to the hospital when I’d first felt the odd pressure an hour or so before, could something have been done? No, it was an acute case early in fetal development and happened very quickly, nothing could have been done even at this point.
Why was no medication given to stop labor when I got to the hospital? More medical mumbo jumbo. Something about it only being the 20th week and if labor did stop he probably wouldn’t have been able to keep the baby inside for as long as needed to become viable. And something about even if he could have miraculously kept him inside for that long, there would have been a high probability of the abruption causing a serious infection which could be dangerous or fatal to the baby and to me.
If I can gather my shattered soul for another try, when would be the soonest? Physically six months, only if I’m emotionally ready.
Is there a scan or test to tell if my insides are ok to try again? An internal ultrasound.
In, January you removed a polyp from my uterus, is there a chance that could have grown back by now? Yes, an internal ultrasound can see if there are polyps.
Do you think my periods will come back normally? Can’t be sure. Pregnancy sometimes causes periods to come back regularly for people who’ve had irregular ones before. (I've never had irregular periods.)
Considering that Dr. A. diagnosed me with diminished ovarian reserve a year ago…what does this mean concerning my periods and early menopause? It could be a concern, we'll wait and see what happens and take care of any problems as they arise.
What does this mean for trying again? My uterus is healthy and fine so pregnancy is possible with donor egg. A similar hormone protocol would probably be used to simulate a cycle. With medical protocal, technically a 100 year old woman could theoretically get pregnant if the uterus was healthy. I told him I feel 100.
What are the chances something like this happens again? Donor egg and IVF in general is more risky. No one can say what the chances are but it is fortunately something that this doesn’t happen very often. I told him it wasn’t fortunate for ME.
Is it MORE likely to happen again? Not more likely, probably less likely but can’t say for sure.
What are the chances I can survive it if it happens again? Didn’t ask it.
Are there precautions to take if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again? Early and more frequent ultrasounds and consults with perinatologist/high risk OB.
How can you help me manage anxiety if I get pregnant again? Medication only if needed.
Would you be willing to see me as often as I need to reassure me of a safe pregnancy? Yes, he’d see me every day if I wanted. He has an “open door” policy and I could drop in any time for reassurance. He was sure to tell me not all places are like that.
What is the difference between you and a high risk OB/perinatologist? Perinataologist has more knowledge of high risk cases and the statistically odd things that can go wrong. While Dr. H. reads and researches only gyno and ob stuff, Periguy reads and studies only high risk research and articles and sees only high risk patients.
It is my understanding a high risk OB would work with you, do you think I need one? Dr. H would work with the periguy on a consultation basis. Dr. H would still be my OB and deliver baby. Yes, seeing a perinatologist would be a good precaution to take. Then he talked on about some doctors at SLU who would be the best to see.
Would I see the perinatologist before trying to become pregnant again? Yes, a prepregnancy consult would be advised. Sometimes the specialist can see things that might have been wrong that the regular OB can’t see. (I'm wondering why I wasn't sent there with this pregnancy although I know it probably wouldn't have changed things.)
Dr. A put two embryos in me, would this have happened earlier if there had been two? No way to tell, twins sometimes grow from the same placenta, sometimes they each have their own.
Should I have two put in if I try again? Yes, that is standard practice and very much increases the chances of getting pregnant.
Less chance of getting pregnant with frozen embryos, right? No, he thought it was still about the same with frozen embryos considering the newer technology and quick freezing.
Records of pregnancy and loss sent to Dr. A. Yes, they will be sent and a copy given to me as well.
Anxiety attacks? Normal to have these and will get better with time, he prescribed Xanax.
Raging headaches when I wake up? Again normal, probably stress related and will get better with time.
How do you know I don’t have PCOS?
--heavy esp. on top, infertility, weird hair growth, you removed some cysts 5-6 years ago during a D & C.
He thought I did have a very mild form of it but that I didn’t have the metabolic portion of PCOS that would affect pregnancy. (I don't remember hearing of this before.)
I've already begun a new list including:
Why wasn't I sent to the periguy to begin with?
Would you have been able to see the abruption with a 3-D ultrasound?
How do I know if I'm emotionally ready to try again?
Would it have changed things if I didn't have the 6 week internal ultrasound?
Should I have internal ultrasounds in the future?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Questions for Dr. Hottie
Am I completely insane for going into our postpartum appointment tomorrow with this huge typed list of questions? Will he even take the time to answer them all? I'm intelligent and know how to use google but I have to hear it from his mouth. My head knows there are no answers and never will be and that I could have been standing next to the doctor when it happened and nothing could have been done. My heart has to ask.
Let me know if I've missed any....
Questions for Doctor Hottie:
What exactly is what happened to us called: preterm labor, ruptured amniotic sac, PPROM?
Death certificate says “abruption”? What is this and why wasn’t it seen on ultrasound? Why the discrepancy with what I was told in the hospital?
Miscarriage or stillbirth?
Greyson's autopsy results?
Causes:
Age and weight?
Viral or bacterial infection? Test?
Donor egg/Donor sperm?
Laptop use daily, sometimes actually over my abdomen?
Strenuous and long day a few days before and an activity where I had to reach up many times?
My female donor has no knowledge of her father, could something in his background have led to this?
Two days before at our 20 week ultrasound, you said you couldn’t see the bottom
of the heart and wanted us to have another ultrasound. Could this have something to do with it?
I had a large gush of bleeding 12 hours after my four week internal ultrasound with Dr. AA. They said it was caused by cervical irritation, old blood pooling at the bottom of the uterus and looking for a way out. Could this somehow be related? Is there something wrong with my uterus or cervix that it can’t hold things in? I’ve read about something called “incompetent cervix” How do you know?
Was there anything at all on the ultrasound indicating a problem of any kind?
I know the first gush of clear fluid was amniotic fluid, where did the blood come from?
I was usually able to feel him move while still in bed in the mornings but I didn’t feel him the morning of the 4th. Was something already happening then?
If I had gotten to the hospital when I’d first felt the odd pressure an hour or so before, could something have been done?
Why was no medication given to stop labor when I got to the hospital?
If I can gather my shattered soul for another try, when would be the soonest?
Is there a scan or test to tell if my insides are ok to try again?
In, January you removed a polyp from my uterus, is there a chance that could have grown back by now?
Do you think my periods will come back normally? Considering that Dr. AA diagnosed me with diminished ovarian reserve a year ago…what does this mean concerning my periods and early menopause? What does this mean for trying again?
What are the chances something like this happens again? Is it MORE likely to happen again?
What are the chances I can survive it if it happens again?
Are there precautions to take if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant?
Would you be willing to see me as often as I need to reassure me of a safe pregnancy?
What is the difference between you and a high risk OB?
It is my understanding a high risk OB would work with you, do you think I need one?
Dr. AA put two embryos in me, would this have happened earlier if there had been two?
Should I have two put in if I try again?
Less chance of getting pregnant with frozen embryos, right?
Anxiety attacks?
How do you know I don’t have PCOS?
--heavy esp. on top, infertility, weird hair growth, you removed some cysts 5-6 years ago during a D & C.
Let me know if I've missed any....
Questions for Doctor Hottie:
What exactly is what happened to us called: preterm labor, ruptured amniotic sac, PPROM?
Death certificate says “abruption”? What is this and why wasn’t it seen on ultrasound? Why the discrepancy with what I was told in the hospital?
Miscarriage or stillbirth?
Greyson's autopsy results?
Causes:
Age and weight?
Viral or bacterial infection? Test?
Donor egg/Donor sperm?
Laptop use daily, sometimes actually over my abdomen?
Strenuous and long day a few days before and an activity where I had to reach up many times?
My female donor has no knowledge of her father, could something in his background have led to this?
Two days before at our 20 week ultrasound, you said you couldn’t see the bottom
of the heart and wanted us to have another ultrasound. Could this have something to do with it?
I had a large gush of bleeding 12 hours after my four week internal ultrasound with Dr. AA. They said it was caused by cervical irritation, old blood pooling at the bottom of the uterus and looking for a way out. Could this somehow be related? Is there something wrong with my uterus or cervix that it can’t hold things in? I’ve read about something called “incompetent cervix” How do you know?
Was there anything at all on the ultrasound indicating a problem of any kind?
I know the first gush of clear fluid was amniotic fluid, where did the blood come from?
I was usually able to feel him move while still in bed in the mornings but I didn’t feel him the morning of the 4th. Was something already happening then?
If I had gotten to the hospital when I’d first felt the odd pressure an hour or so before, could something have been done?
Why was no medication given to stop labor when I got to the hospital?
If I can gather my shattered soul for another try, when would be the soonest?
Is there a scan or test to tell if my insides are ok to try again?
In, January you removed a polyp from my uterus, is there a chance that could have grown back by now?
Do you think my periods will come back normally? Considering that Dr. AA diagnosed me with diminished ovarian reserve a year ago…what does this mean concerning my periods and early menopause? What does this mean for trying again?
What are the chances something like this happens again? Is it MORE likely to happen again?
What are the chances I can survive it if it happens again?
Are there precautions to take if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant?
Would you be willing to see me as often as I need to reassure me of a safe pregnancy?
What is the difference between you and a high risk OB?
It is my understanding a high risk OB would work with you, do you think I need one?
Dr. AA put two embryos in me, would this have happened earlier if there had been two?
Should I have two put in if I try again?
Less chance of getting pregnant with frozen embryos, right?
Anxiety attacks?
How do you know I don’t have PCOS?
--heavy esp. on top, infertility, weird hair growth, you removed some cysts 5-6 years ago during a D & C.
ALL of the Yayas
Holiday gathering with my wonderful Yayas. How I love my Yas and how I especially adore the times when ALL eight of us are together. Here is the sweet, ladylike version of our annual Christmas time photo:
And here is the wild and crazy version where each year we pose as a holiday related item. I'm not really sure how this tradition got started but sadly it was not as a result of imbibing holiday cocktails. This is just how crazy and silly we are normally. I love us:
So many laughs and silliness with my girls today and inside jokes that wouldn't be understood even if I tried to explain them here. As well as sharing the good and bad stuff that is going on in our lives during "circle time" (Ovaltine! to any of my girls if you're reading). It was like having a few hours sweet relief from the exhaustion of grieving my pregnancy and my Greyson. How many things make me laugh these days, genuinely laugh? Not many but these girls can do it.
I was thinking about them on the drive home, while the pain came crashing back. How many things do I really enjoy now. I thought about things I used to do and enjoy before losing my baby and not many of them appeal to me now. I do stuff, I pass the time. But very few things can I really say distract me or that I really enjoy now.
Being with these girls is something I can say I really do look forward to and enjoy in these dark times. Thank you, Yas!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
First Support Group Meeting
I don't know how to describe how I feel after my first support group meeting. I thought I might be in such pain and crying hysterically right now, but I'm not. I thought I might feel stronger, but I don't. But there is something there, some different kind of emotion. It might be the feeling of being a little less alone. There were only four women there other than myself. One woman had lost her pregnancy in the 9th week back in October and it was her first meeting too. Three others, including the leader, had lost children in the 20th week or later and were veterans to this wretched club by years I would say.
What struck me about these women was how they cherished their stillborn children. I could hear the love in their voices as they reminisced about Christmas ornaments or memorial gardens. They were able to actually joke about odd little things that would still make them cry. They acknowledged that they were forever changed after losing a child. They talked of their children without reservation or worrying that it would make somebody uncomfortable. This was a place where it was ok to say my child's name or the words "dead baby".
They said it would get easier and I could see that it had somehow gotten easier for them over time.
During the conversation, I had made some comments about my doctor and the two veterans had said things about theirs' too. We came to the conclusion that we all had the same doctor, but that both of them had switched to his partner after their losses. They both thought that the partner was wonderful and much better with the emotional side of things. Apparently, he has experienced infertility and prenatal loss with his wife. The leader, who is a nurse in labor and delivery as well as a prenatal loss veteran, implied that she thinks Dr. Hottie is a liar but I never caught exactly why. I know this conversation could be considered highly unprofessional but it was all said with such kindness and concern and only after I kept asking questions. Technically it was all said after the official meeting.
Good conversation because I know I'm not alone in these feelings about Dr. Hottie and not the first person to switch. The leader even said she would talk to the partner about me switching. Not that it really matters unless I get pregnant again.
Bad conversation because we know I'm harboring much resentment toward Dr. Hottie (Who else is there to take it?) and had been wondering if he's a liar by my own experience and thinking about switching doctors. I know it's an emotional thought, I have no proof of lies. I think liar is a harsh word but I'm wondering if he sometimes says what you want to hear to calm you down, give you hope, etc.
Going into this appointment on Thursday with these thoughts in my head is probably not a good thing. I'm very anxious about going and am hoping that I'm able to hold it together emotionally so I can think straight and get as much information as I can.
What struck me about these women was how they cherished their stillborn children. I could hear the love in their voices as they reminisced about Christmas ornaments or memorial gardens. They were able to actually joke about odd little things that would still make them cry. They acknowledged that they were forever changed after losing a child. They talked of their children without reservation or worrying that it would make somebody uncomfortable. This was a place where it was ok to say my child's name or the words "dead baby".
They said it would get easier and I could see that it had somehow gotten easier for them over time.
During the conversation, I had made some comments about my doctor and the two veterans had said things about theirs' too. We came to the conclusion that we all had the same doctor, but that both of them had switched to his partner after their losses. They both thought that the partner was wonderful and much better with the emotional side of things. Apparently, he has experienced infertility and prenatal loss with his wife. The leader, who is a nurse in labor and delivery as well as a prenatal loss veteran, implied that she thinks Dr. Hottie is a liar but I never caught exactly why. I know this conversation could be considered highly unprofessional but it was all said with such kindness and concern and only after I kept asking questions. Technically it was all said after the official meeting.
Good conversation because I know I'm not alone in these feelings about Dr. Hottie and not the first person to switch. The leader even said she would talk to the partner about me switching. Not that it really matters unless I get pregnant again.
Bad conversation because we know I'm harboring much resentment toward Dr. Hottie (Who else is there to take it?) and had been wondering if he's a liar by my own experience and thinking about switching doctors. I know it's an emotional thought, I have no proof of lies. I think liar is a harsh word but I'm wondering if he sometimes says what you want to hear to calm you down, give you hope, etc.
Going into this appointment on Thursday with these thoughts in my head is probably not a good thing. I'm very anxious about going and am hoping that I'm able to hold it together emotionally so I can think straight and get as much information as I can.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Kitchen Remodel, Day 1
Day One of kitchen remodel. What a lucky, lucky girl I am and what a beautiful new kitchen this will be. Anyway, that's the attitude I wish I had.
My grandparents built this home in 1969, when my parents got married and took over the farm and farmhouse. My grandfather did quite a bit of the building and I liked seeing what I know to be his touches. Pieces of a yardstick used as shims, pieces of plaster patched together behind the soffit because nothing must be wasted, five different types of screws because they came from the collection he kept in a jar.
Clearly Grandpa didn't think the wall should ever or would ever come down. Dad and E had quite a time getting the wall out. Not as easy as it looks on HGTV. It was kind of frightening the way chunks of plaster and giant wooden splinters went flying clear across the room and yet the wall didn't budge. Someone could have put an eye out. So I didn't get to swing the sledge after all. My job was to carry out the larger pieces of plaster and wood and to constantly sweep up the smaller ones. Dust, dust, dust. Everywhere, fine, fine dust. It's still in the air now.
I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack during the first hour or two. I just kept thinking it was all for my Sweet Pea. A beautiful, new kitchen with a dishwasher to sanitize those baby bottles and with plenty of space for sippy cups and baby food jars. Especially with Dad and E working so hard and having trouble. E kept making snarky comments and I know he wasn't wild about the idea of him and Dad doing the work from the start. And I think he's frustrated that I'm not excited or wanting this anymore. At one point when they had most of the wall down, he jokingly (I think) asked me if I wanted them to quit. I wish it had been practical for me to say what I really felt. "Yes, just quit, I don't care anymore." But I just tried to laugh.
Clara kept me up most of the night last night with a restless little whine. I don't think she's in pain but she may be having some discomfort or just couldn't find a comfortable position. The fentanyl pain patch only lasts 3-5 days. The vet prescribed a stronger oral pain medication so I hope she gets some relief and I get some sleep.
Kitchen looks like a war zone, boxes storing kitchen stuff everywhere, microwave and toaster oven in the living room, Christmas tree half up and half down, a gimpy dog and don't forget soul sucking grief. I don't want to think about any of it anymore. I think I'm going to take a very hot shower, wash all this dust out of my hair and go to bed.
My grandparents built this home in 1969, when my parents got married and took over the farm and farmhouse. My grandfather did quite a bit of the building and I liked seeing what I know to be his touches. Pieces of a yardstick used as shims, pieces of plaster patched together behind the soffit because nothing must be wasted, five different types of screws because they came from the collection he kept in a jar.
Clearly Grandpa didn't think the wall should ever or would ever come down. Dad and E had quite a time getting the wall out. Not as easy as it looks on HGTV. It was kind of frightening the way chunks of plaster and giant wooden splinters went flying clear across the room and yet the wall didn't budge. Someone could have put an eye out. So I didn't get to swing the sledge after all. My job was to carry out the larger pieces of plaster and wood and to constantly sweep up the smaller ones. Dust, dust, dust. Everywhere, fine, fine dust. It's still in the air now.
I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack during the first hour or two. I just kept thinking it was all for my Sweet Pea. A beautiful, new kitchen with a dishwasher to sanitize those baby bottles and with plenty of space for sippy cups and baby food jars. Especially with Dad and E working so hard and having trouble. E kept making snarky comments and I know he wasn't wild about the idea of him and Dad doing the work from the start. And I think he's frustrated that I'm not excited or wanting this anymore. At one point when they had most of the wall down, he jokingly (I think) asked me if I wanted them to quit. I wish it had been practical for me to say what I really felt. "Yes, just quit, I don't care anymore." But I just tried to laugh.
Clara kept me up most of the night last night with a restless little whine. I don't think she's in pain but she may be having some discomfort or just couldn't find a comfortable position. The fentanyl pain patch only lasts 3-5 days. The vet prescribed a stronger oral pain medication so I hope she gets some relief and I get some sleep.
Kitchen looks like a war zone, boxes storing kitchen stuff everywhere, microwave and toaster oven in the living room, Christmas tree half up and half down, a gimpy dog and don't forget soul sucking grief. I don't want to think about any of it anymore. I think I'm going to take a very hot shower, wash all this dust out of my hair and go to bed.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Good Bye Christmas
Wretched day. I'm miserable and don't see a way to ease the pain.
We celebrated Christmas with Dad's family, my aunt, uncle and two of their three girls, with their families. I love my cousins and even today enjoyed catching up with them. We only see each other a few times a year. Everyone was kind, no one really mentioned what happened to us. My pregnant cousin did ask how I was doing and how great it was I had friends supporting me. Yes, but MY BABY IS DEAD and I'm in a black hole of sadness is how I wanted to answer.
I fought small anxiety attacks all day and teared up more than once.
I just don't understand how some people can be so happy and have such perfect lives and it's all so easy for them. All three of my cousins are thin, blonde, married their college sweethearts and are able to be stay at home moms. For the love of god, they each have one little boy and one little girl. It's all just too damn perfect.
I saw the liveliness, the children all playing, the laughter, the craziness today and I choked with sad guilt thinking that this is what our family should be like too. E's family and what should be mine together and happy like my aunt's family. But instead my life is in a hole and my whole family is affected, especially my mom. The minute they all left, we looked at each other with relief and after tidying up a bit, started crying. It's not right that my family should be in pain because of my choices and my pathetic life. I can't bear it and I don't know how to make it better.
I feel like I've tried and tried to be happy but I always mess everything up or it somehow gets messed up. I worked hard at getting pregnant. Having a family was my chance at real happiness and now it's wrecked.
I don't understand. I don't understand at all.
We celebrated Christmas with Dad's family, my aunt, uncle and two of their three girls, with their families. I love my cousins and even today enjoyed catching up with them. We only see each other a few times a year. Everyone was kind, no one really mentioned what happened to us. My pregnant cousin did ask how I was doing and how great it was I had friends supporting me. Yes, but MY BABY IS DEAD and I'm in a black hole of sadness is how I wanted to answer.
I fought small anxiety attacks all day and teared up more than once.
I just don't understand how some people can be so happy and have such perfect lives and it's all so easy for them. All three of my cousins are thin, blonde, married their college sweethearts and are able to be stay at home moms. For the love of god, they each have one little boy and one little girl. It's all just too damn perfect.
I saw the liveliness, the children all playing, the laughter, the craziness today and I choked with sad guilt thinking that this is what our family should be like too. E's family and what should be mine together and happy like my aunt's family. But instead my life is in a hole and my whole family is affected, especially my mom. The minute they all left, we looked at each other with relief and after tidying up a bit, started crying. It's not right that my family should be in pain because of my choices and my pathetic life. I can't bear it and I don't know how to make it better.
I feel like I've tried and tried to be happy but I always mess everything up or it somehow gets messed up. I worked hard at getting pregnant. Having a family was my chance at real happiness and now it's wrecked.
I don't understand. I don't understand at all.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Christmas 2010
Except for the obvious, it was a nice Christmas. The first really white Christmas we've had in many years. A great meal, plenty of sweet treats and wonderful gifts. Mostly, my family. Mom works very hard every year making Christmas so special and loves decorating the house for the holiday. Even though I know it was difficult this year, she still went over the top and the house was so beautiful. Dad usually makes a few gifts. This year he has been into welding little sculptures. Here's my cute, little frog:
Their joy and excitement is what it's all about. Mom and Dad had gotten them a trampoline and Stretch was super excited, jumping around and screaming. Dollface didn't seem to understand and sort of wandered off singing Rudolph.
E and I usually enjoy watching A Christmas Story together and laughing our butts off but somehow that didn't happen this year. While he and C were watching it I was helping the girls decorate the misfit cookies from yesterday. I watched it later while Dad fell asleep. Not as funny without E there.
There were some tough moments to be sure and my heart's been aching very badly thinking about what should have been the happiest Christmas of my life only to be superseded by next Christmas, Baby's First.
I was joking around, suggesting that they set up the trampoline next to the pool. C said she wanted her children to survive their childhood, haha. I had a hard time but I think I kept my face calm. She was joking, I know. She didn't even realize what she'd said. I wanted my child to survive his birth and childhood too.
Tomorrow we celebrate with my aunt and her family. I'm dreading it. I haven't seen my uncle or cousins since well before it happened. More awkwardness. My cousin is pregnant and due about 2 months before I was. They actually offered to skip it this year but I thought we should still get together. If I'm having a tough time, I can slip out. I'm anxious for all the celebrating to be over.
I'm worried about Clara. She's doing ok with the leg but she hasn't gone pee in over 24 hours. She went when we got home from the vet and yesterday a few times but nothing since 2pm yesterday. I thought she might be going in the house somewhere but I can't find any spots and don't smell anything.
Bonus photo of Greyson's necklace from Kim and Libby...thanks again, girls. I don't know if you chose the clear crystal in the middle but his birthstone would have been a diamond if he'd stayed with me full term.
I'm so very glad I have these children in my life:
Their joy and excitement is what it's all about. Mom and Dad had gotten them a trampoline and Stretch was super excited, jumping around and screaming. Dollface didn't seem to understand and sort of wandered off singing Rudolph.
E and I usually enjoy watching A Christmas Story together and laughing our butts off but somehow that didn't happen this year. While he and C were watching it I was helping the girls decorate the misfit cookies from yesterday. I watched it later while Dad fell asleep. Not as funny without E there.
There were some tough moments to be sure and my heart's been aching very badly thinking about what should have been the happiest Christmas of my life only to be superseded by next Christmas, Baby's First.
I was joking around, suggesting that they set up the trampoline next to the pool. C said she wanted her children to survive their childhood, haha. I had a hard time but I think I kept my face calm. She was joking, I know. She didn't even realize what she'd said. I wanted my child to survive his birth and childhood too.
Tomorrow we celebrate with my aunt and her family. I'm dreading it. I haven't seen my uncle or cousins since well before it happened. More awkwardness. My cousin is pregnant and due about 2 months before I was. They actually offered to skip it this year but I thought we should still get together. If I'm having a tough time, I can slip out. I'm anxious for all the celebrating to be over.
I'm worried about Clara. She's doing ok with the leg but she hasn't gone pee in over 24 hours. She went when we got home from the vet and yesterday a few times but nothing since 2pm yesterday. I thought she might be going in the house somewhere but I can't find any spots and don't smell anything.
Bonus photo of Greyson's necklace from Kim and Libby...thanks again, girls. I don't know if you chose the clear crystal in the middle but his birthstone would have been a diamond if he'd stayed with me full term.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Melancholy Eve
Earlier at Mom's, she lamented that she couldn't believe it's Christmas and no one has baked any cookies. Her father used to bake for weeks before Christmas. 30 or more different kinds. Again I'm wanting to act ok and fool everyone (including myself?) so I went home and launched into making magic bars, Oreo truffles and various chocolate covered treats. I had promised Dollface yesterday that she could come over and bake sugar cookies. They didn't really turn out and we didn't have time to decorate them. She had fun, I guess.
Now I'm unbelievably melancholy.
Lonely but couldn't bear to be around anyone.
It's UNTHINKABLE to celebrate the birth of His son while mine is in a grave.
Wondering what the hell He's doing with my life and if he's even out there.
And what the hell is there to celebrate.
Now I'm unbelievably melancholy.
Lonely but couldn't bear to be around anyone.
It's UNTHINKABLE to celebrate the birth of His son while mine is in a grave.
Wondering what the hell He's doing with my life and if he's even out there.
And what the hell is there to celebrate.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Clara Is Home!
Clara B. Dog is home! Poor pup.
Here she is lovin' that cone collar:
Frankendog with her 20 staples: (Hope this pic isn't too graphic to put on here.)
Xrays showing the plate, screws and 20 staples that now hold my dog's bionic knee together:
A FAKE bone showing what the veterinarian did:
It's going to be a long recovery I'm afraid. While she was on the leash and hobbling gently around the yard with a sling under her back end she looked so longingly at the pasture that surrounds our house.
In the afternoon, I helped Mom wrap gifts. This was one of my holiday jobs as a kid, one year I even wrapped gifts that were for me. She's tried several times over the years to teach me her patented technique of cutting wrapping paper using a butcher knife. This really does make the straightest, cleanest and fastest cuts.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The mail is now full of emotional bombs on a daily basis. Formula coupons, a hospital bill, a flyer for an infant loss support group. But I knew something more horrible than any of those has been on it's way and I knew would break me into pieces and it came today.
Here she is lovin' that cone collar:
Frankendog with her 20 staples: (Hope this pic isn't too graphic to put on here.)
Xrays showing the plate, screws and 20 staples that now hold my dog's bionic knee together:
A FAKE bone showing what the veterinarian did:
It's going to be a long recovery I'm afraid. While she was on the leash and hobbling gently around the yard with a sling under her back end she looked so longingly at the pasture that surrounds our house.
In the afternoon, I helped Mom wrap gifts. This was one of my holiday jobs as a kid, one year I even wrapped gifts that were for me. She's tried several times over the years to teach me her patented technique of cutting wrapping paper using a butcher knife. This really does make the straightest, cleanest and fastest cuts.
First you use the butcher knife to poke a hole in the spot where you want to make the cut:
Then you fold the paper using the little cut as a guide:
Make sure it's a good, crisp crease and straight!
Use the butcher knife to cut along the crease. And viola! A perfect, straightly cut piece of paper ready to create the perfect package.
This is usually what happens when I try it:
In the evening, I went with E's family to look at Christmas lights. This is something I love to do but rarely have anyone to do it with and I was holding it together pretty well today so I was glad they invited me. Dollface had written a get well note to Clara and she was surprised when Clara wrote back. She pointed out that Clara couldn't write, and I told her that Clara had told me what to write down. So sweet.
She also gave me a picture she'd drawn of our family at Christmas. All of us on a Christmas background and me with a baby in my arms and standing in front of a black hole. "Because your baby died." C apologized, I didn't cry and nothing more was said. I had thought that the children were basically unscathed by all of this. I don't know what they have been told, very hard for a 5 year old to understand.
Or a 39 year old.
Once again I'm hating that my situation has brought awfulness to my family.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The mail is now full of emotional bombs on a daily basis. Formula coupons, a hospital bill, a flyer for an infant loss support group. But I knew something more horrible than any of those has been on it's way and I knew would break me into pieces and it came today.
Greyson's death certificate.
But I didn't break into pieces. Probably because something else also came in the mail today. Something that eased the blow and distracted me. Something so thoughtful and kind from someone I don't even know IRL. Kim from The ART of Baby Making and her sweet friend Libby sent me a beautiful little necklace. I just love looking at Greyson's name on the inside. (pics coming tomorrow because my crappy camera can't take pics of sweet little things in my dim house at night without too much flash...grr)
Kim and your sweet friend Libby-- I'm not even sure what to say to thank you for this kind-hearted gift. How did you know when to send it so that it came just when I needed it? Thank you for your thoughtfulness and for your impeccable timing. Thank you for being part of my blogworld and helping me to survive. xoxoPaige
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