News Flash: Donor Decision Made

BIG NEWS! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

I've picked a donor and I'm going to book the April cycle! I am very excited to have some ginormous decisions made and be moving forward. I have come full circle by choosing a donor I had first considered weeks ago. My donor is a smart, healthy and funny young lady who has big dreams and she looks enough like me that I think she won't stick out in an obvious way. She is the "stubborn" one I mentioned earlier. I am very grateful and humbled to be able to invite these genes into my family.

There are two things I'm worried about. Of course, what would a single step of this journey be without at least a little worry? This donor has A negative blood, I'm O positive. Every article I've read says it really doesn't matter but mostly those are about fetuses with differing blood types not about a body accepting and implanting an opposite blood typed embryo. Seems like my body would be more likely to reject a seed that doesn't have similar blood type. The second thing is that is that she is young. 24 I'm worried that she won't be responsible with medication or will back out. I feel that even considering the daunting and miraculous undertaking of becoming a donor indicates maturity but she's very young. I should look for the best I know....but I can't help but worry a little.

When Dr. 2's nurse told me that they are affiliated with a religious hospital and he doesn't work with single patients, I sort of went through a few minutes of grief and anger. All the emotions of being told I couldn't conceive my own genetic children came rushing back and the unfairness of this whole long, grueling journey. I asked the nurse if they could recommend anyone else who would work with me on a second opinion. Well, the first name out of her mouth was someone who Dr. Hottie had steered me away from, too cutting edge and out for the fame, does some stuff that may be very risky, he said. I made an appointment with the second name she gave me but it isn't for months.

And so my decision to go ahead was made. I cannot wait the months and months for the second opinion. I simply can't. The time is now. I want to start my family. My womb has been empty far too long and is craving fullness. My heart is crying out for a child to love. I was made to be a mother and I can't wait any longer.

If I had any lingering little doubt about using donor DNA, it was quashed by this article. So much of it resonated with me, except the husband part of course. lol

Especially the last paragraph:

"When a friend said to me recently, "I'm sure your boys will be tall, like you are!" I nodded before remembering, and reminding her, that genetically, my children aren't related to me. I had to laugh. When you're busy playing hide-and-seek and reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar and scraping peas off the floor, the last thing you think about is your babies' DNA."

I'm going to have a wonderful, amazing, unbelievable family. It doesn't really matter how we came to be together.

In other news, as I was driving to work on Friday a silly teenager with frosted over windows did not see me and t-boned right into the side of my car. Thank God, we were both going pretty slow, I was able to avoid ramming into a third car and no one was hurt. My car was hurt though. Smashed in front quarter panel and it looked like the wheel was bent in. She was insured and I've got a nice rental. Mostly it's a huge hassle.

In other, other news. I went to a friend's 50th birthday party last night. Some of my retired friends were there and they were all swapping stories about hot flashes. And THEN, one of them turned to me and said "You're still in your 40's, aren't you? You don't have to worry about this stuff for a while." Ummmm I'M ONLY 38! Do you hear me? 38! I used to be told that I looked younger than my age and I never really worried about getting older. Now that I'm facing "advanced maternal age", I think about it a lot. Thank you, Infertility.

In still other news, C. has a screw up little sister, A. I hate to say that about her but she really is messed up. She does drugs, steals (she once stole C.'s wedding ring) and cannot hold down a job for more than a few months at a time. Anyway, apparently A. has this bartender friend who just found out she is pregnant. She's 22 and already has a 3 year old she's struggling to take care of. Previously, C. had told some of my story to A, trying to put feelers out for anyone A. might know who would want to be an egg donor. Can you see where this is going?

Well I guess when this friend was hysterical and crying on A.'s shoulder for hours about how is she going to take care of this new baby, she's barely making it already etc. A. mentioned me and kind of talked me up as a potential adoptive mom. I'm genuinely surprised and touched that A. thought of me. Apparently, this girl was only able to calm down after hearing about me.

Now, my instinct is that this is not going to happen. This girl somehow made it work when she was 19 and having a baby, she'll realize she can somehow make it now too. She's just panicking right now.

I would have some serious thinking to do too. You hear those stories about birth mothers taking the children away from the adoptive mothers. I know I would have to do some major research and seriously button up everything legally. Thankfully, S.'s dad is a judge and I know he would help me. I don't think I could survive the broken heart if she changed her mind and took the little one back.

She told A. she would only be interested in open adoption and I'm not sure how much drama that could be inviting into a child's life. Not to mention mega abandonment issues for the baby considering she kept the first child. Also, she's a bartender and A.'s friend. What has she been drinking and doing while she's pregnant? She doesn't know who the father is, it could be one of a series of men.

Ohhhh, the unfairness of it all!!!!! It doesn't seem right that this gal gets pregnant so easily and here I am wanting it with every breath of my being, working at it full time and I can't. In the stoic words of my father, "That is not something we can control".

Poptarts

Things I do not like:

• teenagers who neglect to scrape the frost off their car, thus cannot see you and ram into the side of your car
• 2nd opinion doctors who WILL NOT work with single women
• waking up with that scratchy feeling in the back of your throat that means you're getting sick
• working on Saturday

Things I do like:

• Poptarts

Project Preggers: Stand by

What does it say about me that I don't have much to write about since I'm in a holding pattern on Project Preggers? I'm boring? I lead a quiet life? I'm obsessed with getting pregnant?

I could write about my early pick for American Idol. (Paige Miles, of course with that name I'm sure she's a winner)

Or my pick for the gold in the Olympic Ladies Figure Skating (The Canadian gal)

Or the problems I've been having with mini-binges (had a legit reason to stop at Walgreen's and then bought a bunch of candy)

Or that I've be working out this week (yay, me)

Or how I've been daydreaming about walking around barefoot and feeling the sun on my face (soooo weary of cold, brown, dreary February)

Or that two of my students at school are academically growing like crazy and I couldn't be prouder. (This is why I went into teaching!)

But....what I've really been thinking about is the choice to push the IVF to May. I really don't want to wait. I really want to be pregnant as soon as possible. A part of my brain doesn't care what Dr. 2 has to say. Another part thinks I already know what he's going to say so why bother. An egg donor is the fastest way to grow my family and I want to move forward. Now, dammit! Now!

Then I remember, I will wonder for the rest of my life what that doctor might have said and how it could have changed the course of my life.

And so the days grind by and I wait....

Misc. Monday

MONDAY! Ughhh. An exhausting day at school. I didn't sleep well. I kept dreaming that I was a white haired old lady in a wheel chair and I was seeing a new fertility doctor who looked like Bob Costas. Don't need Freud to analyze that one.

I'm trying to recover from the weekend binge. I try so hard to deter the feeling of binging before it happens but it seems that after I've been fighting it and fighting it, I cross the point of no return and NOTHING can stop me. I have a thousand thoughts of stopping during the process of buying and taking the food home but I don't stop. I need to learn how to translate these thoughts into action or lack thereof. But.........how?

Going to work helps. I ate well today and exercised. I know exercise is the only thing that will pull me out of this winter slump and maybe I'll sleep better tonight. Stay away Dr. Bob Costas!!

Friday is our Black History Program at school. They are doing a tribute to Micheal Jackson. At first I cringed because although as a child of the 80's I'm very much a fan of the music, I wasn't sure it was the best choice. I mean, is he really the best role model for children? My office is next to the music room and I've been able to hear them practicing for months now. Unfortunately the music teacher, who is a friend of mine, broke her ankle. It was a very serious break and she won't be able to finish preparing the children for the program. I'm very proud of the way our staff has pulled together to help. The song choices are really very touching and the music teacher has taught some of the classes to sing in two or three part harmony. We are all going to wear black and white. I am looking forward to seeing each class bring to fruition all their hard work.

In Olympic news:

I believe this is the face of courage:

Lindsey Vonn: Skied to a gold metal on an injured shin

and this is the face of innovation:

Shaun White: Double Cork....need I say more?

Here is the face of determination:

Apolo Ohno: 7 Olympic metals, in the running for two more.

And let's face it, this face is just plain adorable:

Bode Miller

The Most February of Days

I worked ISAT Saturday this morning. I was dreading it but the children were very good and it went by very fast. Not many kids showed up so we were able to work with small groups which is always more effective.

I had a discontented and bingy afternoon. Yep, I'll cop to a full fledged, planned binge. I've been teetering all week and today tipped. Feeling physically sick and emotionally disappointed in myself. I couldn't settle all afternoon. I was sad but couldn't work up any tears. I tried to watch TV but couldn't focus. Tried to take a nap but couldn't drift off. I thought about all the things I could be doing, but just couldn't seem to get started on anything. It was the most February feeling of all the February days so far.

I'm aiming to be more productive tomorrow if nothing else. Here's what I'd like to get done:

-paperwork for Dr. 2 - this is a MUST
-tidy back room and sort stuff for donation
-clean kitchen
-enter CPDUs into state website
-exercise
-bake for Yummy Monday

If I get 5 of these 6 done I'll be content.

Here is an email my mom sent me today in response to one I'd sent her about the new Princess Egg.

"It's all a crap shoot anyway. Like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. Remember me telling you of a friend of Dad's? Had 5 girls & everyone of them had different coloring. How tall is this gal? Is this the second choice one?"

I had to be amused because she wrote almost word for word what we had talked about a few weeks ago when egg donation first came up and what I wrote in yesterday's post.

Red Haired Princess Egg

I'm in love with a new egg donor. She has curly, red hair, freckles and has delicate features. Like a tiny Irish fairy princess.

I don't know much about her. When the Donor Egg Lady emailed to tell me my first choice was taken, she also sent some pics of new donors. So new their info isn't even available yet. So I only know what I can tell from the pic. Which, of course, is not very much. I have to say I loved the Princess' looks at first sight.

My mother is fond of saying that her family is 1% Irish. Mostly we're German. Sturdy, stocky, ruddy complexions. Just what you'd imagine. And mostly we all look like each other. Would it be doing a child from this donor's genetic background a disservice to invite it into our family? Would the child stick out in an obvious and perhaps painful or embarrassing way? Would I feel like a huge galoot next to them? Isn't it enough of a challenge for him or her to be conceived in such a completely unconventional way?

Except for the red hair and blue eyes, this young lady looks nothing like me. I should probably add that my hair is "red". You can read that "really dishwater blond but has had a red dye job for years" Or "red head wannabe". My mother says that I really was a red headed baby. And also that when if comes to babies it really doesnt' matter because it's like Forest Gump's chocolate box. You never know what you're going to get even if you are genetically related. And then she tells a story about a family she knew when she was growing up. There were 5 daughters in the family and they all had different hair colors and skin tones. And then there's the sperm donor to consider.

My original second choice is lovely too. As I've said before, I know I really can't go wrong. Except....my second choices profile says that she's stubborn. She mentions it three times mostly in relation to her childhood. Is stubbornness a nurture thing or a nature thing?

Money, Tests, Choices, NOT Binging

Phone conference with Money Lady:
On the phone she said I was well insured and it seemed like the total for everything would be much lower than I had thought. Yay!

Then...
She called back and said there was a mistake on the insurance provider's end and that anything for the donor wouldn't be covered.

I'm struck by the unfairness of having to pay, pay, pay for what most people get for free. Why can't I be in the "most people" category. I'm happy to pay if it means I can build a family but sheesh!

Blood Test Results:

FSH 15
LH 6
Testosterone 67 The normal range is 20-76. So I was in range but seems kinda high?
and many, many others.

Not sure what it means but I do know that I was not really able to find any success stories about women having success if their FSH was over 12 or so. I'm frightened of damaged eggs and damaged babies. Not sure I could survive that.

Choosing a Donor:

The donor agency can't seem to get in touch with my first choice. I have to make a decision and get some money in to both the agency and clinic by next Friday if I want to book the April cycle. Would I regret not waiting and just going for my second choice? Also, by waiting I would have time to go to my second opinion appointment and digest what he had to tell me. So very difficult to have patience. I want to get moving and become pregnant. This waiting can drive a person crazy.

School:

Today was the second of two days of professional development. My back is aching from sitting all day long. And tomorrow will be more sitting for our usual Friday meetings. The PD provider is a marathon runner. She has such a lean little body. I can't help but wonder what it must feel to look like that.

Binging:

I've been craving sugar like crazy all day long! I could so easily go into a binge here. So easily. I did have some sugar today. A few pieces of candy at the meeting, a couple small cookies at lunch and a cupcake with DollFace, but it was not mindless eating. I am trying very hard to will myself away from binging. Tomorrow is our Soul Food Luncheon in honor of Black History Month. God give me strength because I know that will be some good grub.

Brass Tacks

Well, it's getting down to the brass tacks. I'm trying to finalize a decision on a donor and I have a phone conference with the money person at the clinic. Getting ready to write some very hefty checks. Doing that is making it "real". It is also giving me ummm cold feet. Just a mild case, mind you. I keep weighing the risks. If this doesn't work, it could break me. Emotionally, mentally, financially..,.every possible way. Is it worth the risk? 100% YES! I have little nagging doubts every day but if nothing comes of this I want to know for certain that I did everything possible to achieve my little bit of something wonderful.

Choosing a donor is very daunting. Funny because although I spent plenty of time looking at sperm donor profiles, I did not fret or feel near as much uncertainty as I have with the egg donor. I have spent many hours studying the few profiles available to me, looking for just the right one. All the women are beautiful and the fact that they are donors makes them beautiful on the inside as well. I would love for my child to have that kind of giving spirit. I keep telling myself that I really can't go wrong.



In Olympic news:

I believe this is the hottest thing on skates!

I cannot wait to see Evan Lysacek beat the Russian tomorrow night in figure skating!

GO USA! GO USA! GO USA!

My Cookie Monster

We were a day late in creating these tiny Valentine treats but I think they are the cutest cookies in the world! We had such a good time today making these mini works of art. I think I should quit my job and become an upscale baker. Maybe TLC would want to film a reality show about me and my rebel transition from mild mannered school marm to wacky and wild baker. It could be called "The Baking Bitch" or "The Crazy Cookie Lady". Any other suggestions?

DollFace took this pic of me:










I didn't have any make up on but I think infertility has aged me! I don't remember looking that tired around the eyes a few months or even weeks ago! I wasn't really feeling tired.

Mental note: start saving for an eye job.


P.S. Yesterday was the first Valentines Day in years that I didn't binge like a mad woman. Interesting, no? I probably made up for it today with the "Quality Control" while decorating cookies. But I'm kind of proud of myself for not using the Hallmark holiday as an excuse to over indulge because I was feeling badly about being alone. I'm still alone and would still like to find my someone, but I'm ok on my own. Really, ok! I don't get that huge, painful, empty heart feeling anymore. I'm more secure about myself now. Also, I have something else BIG on my plate right now that could be distracting me and I'm not talking about that giant sized cookie.

Phone Consult...Finally

The Dr. said he would call around noon today. At 12:50 I was in the midst of firing off an email to him when the phone rang. Thank God! He apologized very profusely and really did sound like he had laryngitis. He said all my blood tests looked good and I could go forward with donor eggs if I wanted. Whew! He answered all my questions and was very kind. I should look for the clinical manager to get in touch with me about medications and it looks like April will be THE cycle. I've got an email in to the donor egg agency and will be getting the ball rolling with them.

I'm still getting the second opinion but I would like to stay with this clinic. It comes highly recommended. Now that I've cooled off and taken a step back I remember other patients who went there saying they were very on top of things. They do have a very good success rate and I need that on my side. Also, I like being able to contact Dr. AA or any of the staff anytime through email.

Weeks ago I picked out two donors that I like, not that there was all that much choice. There were about a dozen profiles of donors. A few were African American. A few I disallowed for health reasons or because they smoked. I'm sure it wouldn't be a big deal. People who smoke get pregnant everyday but I need the best, healthiest chance I can get.

I'm disappointed that there aren't more profiles offered for egg donors. Unlike the thousands of profiles of sperm donors I looked through to find the perfect one. Dr. AA offered to send me a list of possible donor agencies but when I told him that this agency had about 12 local donors on their website he said that was quite a few and I probably wouldn't be able to find that many locally with any other agency. This such a huge decision! In a way I'm more comfortable making it because picking a sperm donor warmed me up but picking a sperm donor seems small compared to this. I don't know why they are both 5o% of the equation. Or maybe they are each 40 and I'm 10?

I'm also changing my sperm donor. I adored #112535 A.K.A. Dave Indevial and couldn't wait to see our red-headed babies but it seems like a good time for a fresh start. So, Dave if you're out there, thank you for all the good times we had together. The ordering, the calls to your bank to ask copious questions about you, the anxious waiting, the wondering if you'd fit into the budget this month, the time I had you delivered to my house and you lived in my garage for a few days. I will cherish them all but it is time for me to move on.

Also, Dave was anonymous and I decided that I would like an open donor now. I figure if a kid is going to come from not one, but two donors, he or she should be able to meet both sides of where they come from, if they wish. Not very logical but it just wasn't important to me before, now it is.

It is completely mind blowing to think that two separate people who are strangers to each other and to me and who live thousands of miles away from each other are coming together with my doctors, embryologist and an assorted cast of dozens of others to create my miracle. It is a wonderful world we live in.

Happy Valentines Day! I'm coming for you Baby! I'm coming! Look for me because I'm sure trying to find you.

Doctor email and the Olympics

I heard back from the dr. Here's what he had to say:

"Sorry about the mix up
I did call the numbers I had and one did not work...one no answer.
I am rechecking he numbers and will call you
Wee will chat at some point this weekend that works!
I appreciate the email."

Ok, there was a mix up I can understand that. However, I'm wondering if he really tried both numbers or if he's just covering his All American Ass. The clinical manager had already told me he wasn't feeling well and went home early that day. He could have taken my file with him but I was right there with both phones and I'm dorky enough to call each phone from the other phone to be sure the ringer was on and I can hear it well before the time of the appt. Neither phone made a peep and his number did not show up on either one's caller id. The office could have written a number down wrong or he could have dialed one wrong, but both?

If I move forward these people will be handling my embryo. What if there's a "mix up" with that or they (he) lies about something more important. It's all very disconcerting.

I do not like being a person who would think the worst about someone. Anyone have any thoughts? Mix up or liar, liar All American pants on fire?

Not to mention "at some point" "that works". WTF???? WHEN???? At some point WHEN??? WHEN "works"????

Not to mention I'm STILL going crazy with waiting for info.
grrrrrr

In hair news, I got mine cut and colored today. Ahhh, there is nothing quite like the feeling of walking out of the salon with what you know to be a kickass color and cut. It's probably when I feel the best about my looks. I tried to take a pic but I'd already ruined the style by working out and I couldn't get a good angle.

The Olympics began in Vancouver last night. What a thrill! The pageantry, the patriotism, the interest stories, that Olympic theme they play on NBC with the kettle drums, the competition. I love it all! I think it's the closest we ever come to world peace. I watched the opening ceremonies and I was impressed with all the technology. When those "whales" swam across the floor! I also loved those crazy fiddlers who looked like they were part Braveheart warrior, part Harley Davidson gang members and part cloggers. k d lang was awesome singing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. I love getting to know the host country and all the athletes. I'm considering myself Canadian American for the next few weeks!

No Phone Consult

Stupid fucking Dr. AA. did not call for our phone consult. CRAPASSTASTIC!!! Why can't anything along this journey be simple? WHY? I called the office at 4:50 when he was only 20 minutes late and got the "office closed" message. Now it's the damn weekend and there's nothing I can do but wait till Monday. I have an email in to him and his craptastic office staff but I doubt it will be answered before Monday. FRUSTRATED does NOT BEGIN to describe my feelings right now.

grrrrrrrrrrrr

That second opinion is looking better and better.

I just got an email back from the clinical manager. She said she was very sorry and would try to find out what happened. The dr. was not feeling well and left early.

Don't they have some policy in place for rescheduling on these occasions? I DO NOT feel less frustrated.

Real Pics...Yay Me!

My first post with pics from my real life. I must be coming along as a blogger! Yay, me!





Stretch showing off her new braces. She chose black and blue because they are her school colors. The ironic thing was that when she went back to school after getting them her class was learning to eat with chopsticks. There were using marshmallows and caramel corn to practice with. Two items she's been told to avoid.

Of course DollFace wanted her picture taken too. Here she is pretending to be a dog. She's really into this right now and will even "fetch" and do tricks for us. It is adorable for about 10 minutes until she refuses to do something a dog wouldn't do or speak other than to bark.

Two of my reading groups were amazing today. My first grade group is usually a little "spirited" and I have to work to engage them but today they all participated and worked hard without any prompting at all. My HOPE is that they are learning so the work is not quite as hard for them and therefore less frustrating but the probability is that they wanted to show off for the grad student I had observing me. My second grade group is usually at the end of the day and a little antsy but today they were calm and intent on learning. These are the lowest of the low academically speaking in a district that is very low socioeconomically speaking but I love working with these children. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing these children respond to my instruction in concert with their classroom teacher's hard work.

The adults on the other hand.... I wish all gossip would be banned. Life would be so peaceful at school. Not that I'm innocent at all. People get so worked up and it's all over such trivial stuff.

Follow up phone conference with Dr. AA. tomorrow. Did you think I forgot about Infertility? Oh no, I didn't. I've been counting down to this one for what seems like a long time. Can't wait to see if moving forward with a donor egg or donor embryo is an option. I am hoping and praying he has good things to say.

Snow Day

Yup, 4 inches of snow and school is called off. I personally think we could have attended but it was rather cold and windy for the little ones to be out. I do not look forward to making this one up in May.

I did keep rather busy today with "breaks" for some good old junk TV watching. What is a snow day without a little Judge Judy? I exercised and made marinara sauce and meatballs, cleaned the kitchen, shoveled the walk, paid bills.

I keep envisioning beautiful triplet boy babies that are mine. C. suggested that she was putting in her "order" for boy triplets and we joked about who was going to hire the nanny. Now I can't get this fantasy out of my head. They have reddish hair and sweet round faces and are sitting up for a portrait together. Don't get me wrong I know this would be a huge challenge for me and maybe too much but wouldn't it be awesome. It's nice to dream about. I can't wait for my real baby to find me.

I'm really jonesing for something sweet. Don't worry, there's really nothing in the house. Maybe a little granola. And Biggest Loser....pass the tissues.

Thank you to those of you in blogville who are reaching out to me. I feel a little less alone everytime I hear from one of you.

The Binge Is Back

Tomorrow would have been one month without a binge. Mostly due to circumstances but whatever, I'll take it any way I can get it. It happened at lunch today. It would have been ok if I had just been able to stick to the food I brought from home but there was a big bag of chips someone was sharing. Then, there was the extra ranch dressing packet in the condiment basket and more chips. And not one but two brownies that someone had brought in. I couldn't just stop with one handful of chips. Sensible Me was in the back of my head telling me to stop but Rebellious Me just kept shoving it in. Thankfully this was in public so it only went so far. I'm very angry with myself but know that I'm human and hopeful that mindful eating will continue. It was really a minor hiccup as far as binges go but it was mindless eating to cover emotions so it was a binge. I really want to be aware so that I don't backslide and gain back the 40 pounds I've lost.

I'm thinking that the possible changes with my job for next year is the root combined with the overall elevated stress at school due to RIF letters going out and of course egg donor stuff is on my mind all the time. The book I'm reading advises writing "I feel ___ because ____" statements when dealing with emotions. I should have done it before the binge but here goes anyway:

I feel angry because the district keeps jerking me around about my position each year.
I feel used because my principal talks me into something in such a way that I cannot turn her down.
I feel sad for the young people who are getting cut.
I feel ungrateful because I'm complaining. I know I'm lucky to be employed.
I feel frustrated because there seems to be nothing I can do.
I feel insecure and apprehensive because I don't know much about the position I'll be taking next year.
I feel low confidence because for some reason I suspect that the reason I'm getting put into a crap job is perhaps they believe I'm not good at my current job although my principal and everyone else says otherwise.
I feel like a loser because I gave in to binging.
I feel extremely worried because I've been having mild but sharp cramps and the imagination is on overdrive wondering about infection or scartissue forming due to recent procedure.
I feel regretful that I cannot have a happy, light, fun blog but have to write about this shit.

Wow, there are a lot of ugly feelings going on. I do feel like I gained equilibrium back after lunch. I was able to go to the grocery store and not buy even one thing that was bad for me, I went to the gym and I planned my supper thoughtfully.

There is 5 inches of snow predicted for the Midwest tonight so if there's a snow day tomorrow, I'll have to work hard to keep my body active and my mind off my worries.

Sunday Dinner

So I'm reading along in the book I got to educate myself about getting pregnant by egg donation and there's a section about who chooses egg donation. There is a very short, and I mean VERY short section about single women. It seems that the authors of this book believe that it would be unfair "for a child to be the product of two anonymous donations". What the fucking hell? I don't get mad very often but I became furious when I read that. Why does me being single make it unfair? Don't I have as much right to become a parent as anyone else out there? Is it my fault that my life turned out childless at the age of 38? Shall we talk about the children of poverty I work with everyday, who have drug addicts and felons for parents? Is THAT fair to the child? I am really regretting buying this book and handing my money over to these two closed minded fools. It's going in the trash. I am more determined than ever to bring a child into my life. I would be a fabulous mom with my own egg or someone else's. In your face, stupid authors.

Dad invited me over for Sunday dinner. He made sauerbraten, Mom made all the sides. Yummy. I was able to broach the subject of a donor egg with my dad. I was a little worried since he is very conservative. He said he "didn't see anything wrong with it" and it was sensible not to use my own "weak" eggs to avoid a "Mongoloid baby" or other birth defect. Dad is a little old fashioned about some things. I'm very grateful he's being supportive.

Peel and Roller Derby

Great Saturday! I went to P.eel Pizza with Mom, C and the girls. I'd never been there before. The pizza was freaking amazing! Maybe the best I've ever had. We had three kinds. Mushroom with garlic cream sauce, smoked turkey and tomato and prosciutto and onion. The crust is light and crispy and slightly smoky from the wood oven. I think I ate about 7 pieces but they were really small. I love that this is a new business opened by local folks. I plan to be a regular customer. C. suggested that we do this once a month and I'm totally up for it. I love trying new places and it would be good for the women in the family to have face time regularly.

Then, this evening I had my first experience with ROLLER DERBY! Yes, that sport from the 70's where satin shorted hotties roll around the rink and hip check each other. I have always wanted to go to a game. M. from work got into it because her boyfriend is a referee. We've been looking forward to going with a group from school for a while. We've all had fun making up Roller Derby names for eachother. There's LegBreaker, Malicious, Jesskillya, Machine Gun and I'm Paige O'Pain. Not as relevant if you don't know the peoples' real names but you get the point.

Before the "bout" started (catch me, usin' the lingo) it was fascinating to check out the crowd. Kind of alternative, artsy people with a touch of rockabilly and pin up mixed in. I'm telling you some of these people must have had self-esteem out the wazoo to present themselves as they did. They looked great but would get some stares if they were say, at the mall.

Then the bout started. Let me tell you these women are strong, sassy, and fabulous. First of all, they were cruising around the rink constantly for about an hour before the bout started. You have to admire that kind of stamina! I went with a class on a field trip to a skating rink a few years ago and rolled exactly one time around the rink. That's right, ONE and then, because my legs were wobbling and I was afraid I'd fall, I called it quits.

These women had NO fear! They were hip checking and blocking all over the place. AND falling! I was impressed they were able to pop up and get back to skating up so quickly. We were able to sit on the floor right on the edge of the rink, the action was literally a few feet from us. A few times I thought one of the skaters would crash into us! It was all very fast paced and exciting. Easy to get sucked in. I'm hoping to go again.

New Job Next Year?

Earlier this week, my principal called a meeting to explain that the state of IL was not paying their bills and that there are certain grants that may not be granted for the next school year. As a result, all the non-tenured teachers will receive "reduction in force" papers. In other words, laid off. I knew that my position was a grant position but I'm pretty far up the seniority list so I thought that I'd be back in the classroom. Not my favorite thought but ok, I'll deal.

She pulled me aside today to talk to me about a media specialist supervisor position which will be coming available. Head of the librarians. Me? Well, she talked and talked. Saying that we could design this position into anything we wanted, that media specialist would really just be a small part of the position and that I could do reading specialist work for all four buildings for the rest of the job. She conveyed such confidence in me and seemed to think I was ready for more of a leadership position in the district. I agreed to think about it. It would mean giving up working with children. Didn't think I was ready to do that. I've really felt very fulfilled these past 2 years but maybe this is a new door to walk through. It would be uncharted territory. I'm not really sure at this point what exactly the responsibilities would be and if I could handle them or not. I don't really consider myself a leader.

She also said it was a way to "save" one of the young people's positions. How could I NOT consider it.

She acted so excited about this new opportunity for me. I can't hold back the cynic...was it an act? In the back of my mind, I have to wonder if she said all those complimentary things to get me to take the job. Was I really so poor at classroom teaching that they will put me anywhere else to keep me from going back? I know this comes down to money, I KNOW it does but I have to wonder if I suck at the job I currently have. She didn't hold out any hope at all that there would be a reading position for me next year. I realize this is my low self-esteem talking. Maybe I should explore employment elsewhere. Not that there are very many jobs out there for a reading specialist who's still working on getting her certificate.

DollFace came over for a while tonight while C and E went to dinner. We baked cookies and danced to A.BBA. :) Apparently, Stretch is too grown up to come to my house for such a short visit. I miss her sometimes. I love the beautiful, responsible young woman she's becoming but I miss the little girl.

Hmm, this is the first post in a long time (ever?) that I didn't talk about Infertility. Don't worry, it's still in the forefront of my thoughts....as always.

More Waiting For Info

Follow up with Dr. Hottie. He did not email Dr. AA and apologized for that. He was going to email him as soon as I left the office and then forward any info to me. I'm not holding my breath on that one....guess I'll just have to wait it out. He also said the polyp was benign and that my uterine lining looked perfect now that it was gone. I asked him to be real with me about chances of a healthy pregnancy if by some miracle I was able to pull it off. He made me feel hopeful by saying that yes I would have a little greater risk for gestational diabetes etc because of my weight but that otherwise I am healthy, do not smoke, drink, do drugs and I try to take care of myself. Chances are good for me to have a healthy pregnancy and birth. It hearkened back to a similar pep talk he had with me over a year and a half ago when I started this journey.

E. and C. are considering buying a house nearby. Mom and I went to see it with them tonight. The house has a lot of quirks and was clearly owned by an amateur do-it-yourselfer but it has a lot of great features. Stretch was very excited about the pool and her own room downstairs. On the way home Mom told me that C. had shared with her that when she heard about my decrepit eggs her first instinct was to give me one of hers. I guess she looked into it and thought she was too old. She's 35. Such a giving heart. I'll always be grateful for the thought.

A book about pregnancy by egg donation and intake forms for Dr. 2 in the mail today. The journey moves forward and I'm trying to arm myself with info the best way I know how.

I'm kind of sick of writing about infertility and yet it feels good to write about it. Does that make any sense?

Lots of Conjecture Goin' On

My mom wanted to know if she should go with me to the follow up appt tomorrow with Dr. Hottie. She talks as though it's a given that I'm going ahead with using donor eggs to get pregnant. Weird and awkward talking to her about it but I'm so glad she's taken an interest. I realize I, myself have way over shot planning the future since I don't know what Dr. AA will recommend. I'm praying that Dr. H. was able to talk to Dr. AA.

I keep thinking that the double donor situation is like engineering your own kid. I think back to physics class or was it chemistry? Studying genetics. This recessive gene and that dominate trait... Something about that doesn't seem quite right. Normally people don't get to chose the parents of their children. I guess they do....I would chose myself if I could. The calling to be a mother is so very strong and persistent in me. God gave me the heart to feel that and the brain to figure it out and he gave someone the ability to help me make it happen, I hope. I can't believe that I was put on Earth not to be a mother. I've never felt so passionate about anything before. I didn't know how passionate until I was told it may not happen.

C. called and wants to have dinner sometime this week. I keep having a mini-fantasy that she wants to offer me her eggs. I think about how I would react and what I would do. She's my sister-in-law after all. I keep wondering if she would be able to freely give the eggs and not look at the child as partially hers or have a say in my parenting. We do not always see eye to eye about what is best for children. Would I be able to voice my opinion about "my" child? Would she want it to see her family who I do not always approve of? Should I plan to get her a Mother's Day gift? C. has a big heart and if she can make something right, she usually tries to do it. Would I be able to accept such a wondrous gift?

Silly conjecture, of course. She probably just wants time away from the family or to try the new pizza place. I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts are conjecture...what if scenarios. What happened to the real world?

Poor DollFace slept for an hour when I picked her up and then woke up crying because her ear hurt. She tried to be brave and help me with a few things but I could tell she was not feeling tip top. Stretch is getting braces tomorrow and she's excited. E. and I do not understand this having both been victims of braces in the 80's. Guess they're "cool" now.

Thank you everyone for the info in the comments. I'm struggling not to feel alone. Knowing you're all out there helps.

I Am Who I Wish To Become

Last Wellness Workshop tonight. I wish I had been in more of a place emotionally to fully participate and get the most out of it. Dumb Infertility. Tonight we had to write a mission statement and mini-goals to help us get there. I had a huge ah ha moment while writing mine. Part of my mission statement is to be more encouraging and gentle with myself. AS I AM WITH MY STUDENTS. I AM this person. I AM gentle and encouraging everyday, all day, hundreds of times a day. I need to find a way to turn this inward. I'm always so harsh and critical of myself. On the way home I was practicing some of my catch phrases I use with the students only putting my own name with them. It felt good. It felt like my authentic self. I know it will take more than catch phrases to truly feel unconditional love for myself. I feel like it's a good starting point though.

Five weeks was not enough to really delve into the issues of my weight. This same counselor offers an ongoing spiritual workshop and I'm thinking of going. Who am I kidding? I'll go if B. goes. I'm not brave enough to go it alone for something like this.

It's funny but since I got the news of my old, shriveled eggs, food has really and truly taken a backseat. I didn't turn to food perhaps because this news was so overwhelming. The first few days especially, food was really and truly fuel and that's all. Everything tasted like sawdust and I had to force myself to eat at times. I haven't even thought about or felt the need to binge. It's kind of disconcerting. I'm scared that binging is just around the corner waiting to pull me back into the safe, comforting world of food. I keep thinking if I can get through the hardest thing in my life without binging to comfort or distract me, I can get through anything without it. If anything good at all has come out of this whole infertility mess, please let it be unlocking the chains that tie my emotions to food.