Thank God For Email

From me to the preacher at my mom's childhood church:
Hi Pastor,

I'm searching for a new church home and am considering trying Immanuel. A little about myself. I am Lutheran but my mother grew up in your church and my great-grandfather was pastor there a long time ago. I've visited your church several times in the past.

The real issue:
I am a 39 year old single woman who is pregnant by IVF. I've recently had a horrible experience with my Lutheran pastor in which he stated that what I'd done was a mortal sin and that my soul was in danger. Also, that I should have more humility and repent so that I could better cling to the cross. There was no kindness or sympathy in his delivery. I explained to him that I didn't feel that I'd done anything wrong and that I'd never felt closer to God than while on my journey to become pregnant. I feel I have no choice but to find another church home.

I would like to know your church's views of IVF and single pregnancy before trying out your church in earnest.
Thank you for your time,

Paige


From Pastor Jackie to me:
Hi Paige – the United Methodist Social Principles are very vague on many controversial issues because the Father of Methodism, John Wesley had an understanding that finding the presence and creativity of the Holy Spirit in one’s life is much more important than any one issue. The church folks here at Immanuel UMC are fairly open to new ideas and I, as the serving Pastor encourage the spirit of open minds and open hearts. Personally, I feel that we are all in need of the grace of God, and as we admit that, we receive God’s abundant love and peace to live full and courageous lives to embrace new ideas. I have a hard time feeling that I have the right to judge anyone to damnation! I am trying to understand who your mother might be, and what your Great grandfather’s name was.

Try us out – you are certainly most welcome to join us in our faith journey to find God’s will for our lives each and everyday. We have early morning praise service at 9 am and traditional at 10 am. November 21st we have only one service at 10 am. This will be our Blessing Sunday in which we will recognize the ways God has blessed our journey!
Pastor Jackie


I haven't cried through out this whole ordeal. I've been angry and hurt and certainly gotten choked up about it especially when I talked out loud about it. When I got this kind email from the pastor though, I cried and cried.


From Pastor Jackie to me after I'd explained who my family is:
Oh yes, those names do sound familiar. Immanuel celebrated 150 years last year. And I remember hearing stories of D.C. Williams – Good Ones!!! Please feel invited to Immanuel anytime—all the time! Pastor Jackie


From my mother after I'd forwarded Pastor Jackie's first email:
Thank you for sending this to me. I've been very upset by this experience for you. I know you won't let this person's terrible words shake your faith. This is a wonderful & beautiful thing you are doing. How can he say such things about bringing new life into this world? I hope Pastor Jackie's words brought you some comfort. If you'd like to go to Immanuel, I'll go with you. It's funny that she should use the word "courageous", I've said that many times when talking about your journey. I hope you understand how very proud of you I am. Everything that person said is absolutely wrong, worse that wrong, dangerous. It will take some time for you to dispel the negativity this had caused, but for both your physical & mental well-being, I hope you can do it quickly. You must know how well loved you are by your family, friends and God, as is your child. Hope you feel better. Talk to you tomorrow.


God, Thank you for email. Amen

Brunch

Brunch with my yayas this morning. Can life get any better? We haven't been together in a big group like this since March when I was still hurting so much and hiding it as well as a closet full of IVF/donor egg secrets. It was so beautiful to be with them today, pregnant and so very happy and so myself. Great to physically see everyone and catch up. And of course I had to tell them of the recent events. All I can say is that I felt so much protective love for me and Sweet Pea. Also, I'm very glad none of these ladies know how to handle a gun.

E's birthday today. We didn't do anything special to celebrate but I did take a gift over to his house. He was staining the entertainment center he'd built into the living room. He loves to read about the lives of interesting historical figures so I got him the autobiography of Mark Twain. The gigantic first volume. When I got it in the mail, I thought I'd accidentally ordered the large print version. I told him if he liked it I would get him the next volume in a year or two when he finished the first.

Barf and Blood

The day started with a child barfing in the doorway of my classroom. Stomach bug strikes yet again. Hopefully it's hit just about every kid (and not me) and is on it's way out.

But the day ended with celebrating my cousin, K's 35th birthday with a small bonfire at her house. I love how, even though we don't see each other for months at a time, it's as though we only saw each other yesterday. So many laughs and good memories. With Aunt Alys' birthday being yesterday, we had a good session of reminiscing. Mom especially went on and on about how Aunt Alys and Grandpa died. And that they "live" in her dining room. Huh?? I've never heard this from her before and I think K's other non-related friends might think we're a bit creepy. I guess Mom sees flashes of white or something that she thinks is the spirit of Aunt Alys, Aunt Coco and her parents. I don't know, she sounded a bit, ummm, nuts when she was talking about it. I know she misses them all terribly and still grieves deeply although they have all been gone for quite a few years now.

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I went back to the doctor's office today and they got the blood from one stick but it was a slow bleed and they barely got enough. I never had this problem before pregnancy.

When I was there yesterday I overheard the nurses talking and they said there were 62 appointments that day. I am shocked that there could be that many for one doctor and one assistant. No wonder I sometimes have to wait over an hour. I've always felt very well cared for there, as I've talked about before, and Dr. Hottie never seems rushed. How can the time be spread that thin? I did the math and if he sees patients for seven hours (which I doubt) then that time divided by 62 patients would leave 6.7 minutes for each patient. I have had many appointments at that office in the past year and have never spent less than 15 talking to the doctor. Usually more. The logistics are mind boggling. Now I understand why the nurses seem stressed out and harried.

Joyful Sound

Wonderful check up at Dr. Hottie's with his physician's assistant. No weight gain and blood pressure was 118/80. Baby's was heart beating at 158. I will never in my life hear a more joyful sound.

I was supposed to have blood drawn for the quad genetic screening but they stuck me 6 times and couldn't get the blood to flow. Every nurse in the place came into the room to either try to stick me or "consult". The other doctor in the practice even popped in wondering what was going on. It was like a bad joke, "How many nurses does it take to get blood from a fat girl?" They could get a vein but it would only provide a few drops and then stop. I have to drink a lot of fluids and go back tomorrow.

Next appointment is December 2 and will include the ultrasound showing gender if we're lucky.

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Only a residual icky feeling left from meeting with pastor jackass. A bad memory that will fade over time. I am sad, however, that I'm being forced to leave the church where I've worshiped my whole life, but I know it's long overdue. This church hasn't really met my spiritual needs for years.

I emailed back and forth with my aunt and her words were a great comfort to me especially being that she's one of the most religious people I know. I told my mom and she was horrified and didn't know where to start to support me. Every time she would say something, I would tell her something else the bastard had to say and her mouth would drop open. She assured me of what I already know, that what he said was not true and what a shame he couldn't celebrate our miracle with the rest of us. She reminded me of how she felt about the closed minded conservativeness in our area and that this sort of thing was why she'd stopped going to church many years ago.

I wasn't going to tell my brother, he's one of the least religious people I know and has not made God a priority in his family but he must have known something was off because he kept asking me what was going on. He was supportive in a humorous kind of way and said that I should drop a check in the collection plate and write on it, "If you cash this, you are the worst kind of hypocrite."

My sweet, quiet, stoic father didn't know what to say. It was like he couldn't believe it had happened. But in the end, in between stretches of silence, he did say he thought what the pastor had to say was bullshit and that he, my Dad, didn't believe that way at all. He said he was glad I'd had a few things to say back to him. He said if the preacher continued to try and communicate with me I should be sure and hand his crap back right back to him.

I think Dad was angry and shocked but as usual didn't or couldn't convey that to me. I told him I was not going back to that place and that if he did he should know they think his grandchild is a sin. He said he understood that I felt that way but that I should consider that the people attending the church didn't think that way, only the preacher. I think he's right on this matter. The members are good people who I've known my whole life and I'm sure they would also be shocked to find out this "leader's" opinion but it doesn't matter. I won't go back there.

Funny, I didn't think Dad had said much but reading back over this it seems he said a lot. I'm sure Dad and I will speak of this again. Dad will take time to ponder it all and will want to discuss it again. He does this, I think, trying to convey emotion that he doesn't know how else to express except through calm discussion. Disappointingly, I don't think anything will change for him except that I won't be attending church with him and therefore he won't go as often. We haven't been diligent about attending since my grandma passed away but I'm sad to lose this time with him.

Thank you blog sisters for being so wonderful. I read your comments over and over all evening and in the wee hours when I couldn't sleep. You helped me I work through the emotional fallout of this horrible incident. You were sad, angry, comforting, loving and strong on my behalf when I didn't know what to feel for myself. I love you all.

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Today would have been my beloved Aunt Alys' 100th birthday. We would always go to the Veteran's Day parade and then drop by her house to celebrate her birthday. Even though it was a casual celebration she was always dressed to the nines with her best jewelry on, beautiful white hair done and the best china on the table, ready to greet us. I still miss her and think of her often.

Oh MY God

In case you were wondering the meeting with the preacher went terribly...I should have listened to you all and stayed away. He went on about how what I've done is a mortal sin and what about all the babies that die in the ivf process and how he was going to cry about it when I left. I almost laughed when he said that. He said that I was in spiritual danger and I should repent for my sin and that you can't cling to the cross if you're clinging to "being right" and I should have some humility. He said he wished I'd come to him for "counsel" before making this choice.

He said I'd chosen to bring a baby into a situation that no child would choose. What the fuck does he know about MY situation. He's been at our church 5 years but we've hardly exchanged more than a few words here and there. He's doesn't know the first damn thing about my situation and didn't make an effort to find out before slamming the judgement down. I told him he didn't know what my child would choose.

At the end he was silent for a very long time, like well over a minute. Then he said he'd email me some crap about what the church body has to say about it and I could read it if I wanted. He didn't even offer to pray with me.

I didn't cry although I'm struggling not to right now. I told him no amount of "counsel" would have changed my mind and that I didn't believe I had done anything wrong. While he thinks I'm in danger, I've never felt closer to God. I said I'd prayed alot on the journey and that I'd never experienced anything like it but that a force larger than myself was always with me propelling me forward. God was with me every step of the way. Also, that he was talking about choices already made and that I was sorry I'd met with him. That I didn't want to go there but my dad had said his job was to bring me closer to God but hearing what he had to say I was on the verge of looking for a new church home.

I feel like I could kill anyone who thinks my baby is a sin.

Clever Title Here

I sent two children home today with stomachaches and there were a few absent as well. I'm praying my teacher's immune system is able to keep me protected from all my germy little students. I'm having a time with my boys. I have two passes hung by the door and the kids know that if one pass is gone they have to wait because only one person can be gone from the room at a time and they know they can only invoke this privilege at certain times (not when I'm teaching). Those little stinkers have been randomly sneaking out of the room and "going to the bathroom". What the heck they do in there, I have no idea. I revoked their pass privileges today. They have to ask me individually to use the bathroom until they show me they can be responsible. Grr

When I was driving past my parents' on the way home, I saw Dollface sitting in the middle of their long driveway crying. Thinking she was hurt, I stopped. When I got out of the car she cried out, "Maw Maw gets too much mail!" Her job is to get the mail everyday as she gets off the bus and I guess today it was a very big job. It was scattered all around her. I guess as she walked a piece would drop and when she would try to pick it up a different piece would fall. She had thrown everything down in frustration and was just bawling. I dried her tears and rolled the mail up in a tight roll she could carry and sent her on her way.

I showed my parents my big list of names. They had the opposite reaction that I thought they would. Mom was very supportive and said she liked them all but gently tried to steer me away from the harder sounding names like Kent and Clint. Dad was quite critical in a humorous way, saying things like, "Weston is a hotel chain." and "Willow is a tree not a girl's name." I thought my mom would have been the critical one and my dad the more neutral one.

Dad also asked that I do not use a common name. His name is William and another boy in his grade was also William. He was told that he would be called William and the other boy Billy. It was like that until after high school and he hated being told what he would be called. His uncle called him Cottontop for his white blond hair and around the family they called him Billy, Cottontop or just Cotton. I can still hear my grandma's voice when she would say "William" to get after her adult son. I love the story but I hope my kid doesn't end up with a nickname like that.

I also shared the list at work and I'm having fun seeing what people "vote" for. I need all the help I can get. Can't believe someone's letting me name a kid.

Secretariat

I was able to take the girls to see Secretariat last night. When I went to pick them up, there were still people and children everywhere and I had to wait because Stretch wearing p.j. bottoms and couldn't find any pants. I cringed a little when Stretch asked if she could bring her weird little friend but just said no, I didn't have the capability to bring her. It seemed to me she was pouting a little on the drive into town and I got on her a little for it. After her reaction, I second guessed myself and thought maybe she wasn't pouting after all and I should have just stayed quiet. Later she asked me if I could drop her off at another friend's house after the movie, I told her it would be too late. So hard to know how to treat her. I love her so very much but it seems she can hardly stand to be around me these days and tries to get away from me as soon as she possibly can.

At the movie, Dollface spilled half her slush before we left the consession stand, I spilled half the popcorn after we sat down. Dollface had an upset stomach and had to be taken to the bathroom twice. It was quite the outing. Stretch and I enjoyed the movie very much. Stretch, because it is a great classic horse story. Me, because of the women's rights angle and the horses too. Afterward I tried to convey to her what an accomplishment it would have been back in 70's for a woman. I think young girls like Stretch or older girls like myself take for granted the opportunities we have in choosing whatever career we want.

The girls wanted pancakes this morning and I was out of eggs so we took a chilly early morning stroll over the the farm to borrow some eggs. Our baby chicks from the spring are giving their first tiny pullet eggs. Very cute but tricky to cook with because of their size. E was there when we got there and Stretch wanted to go home with him. Dollface and I had a luxurious breakfast and then played.

I took Dollface home about noon. The new house was in pretty good shape considering the chaos that occurred the day before. I'm so happy to see my brother settled in his new home. Lots of hard work went into it and I hope the have many happy years living there.

Aunt L stopped by in the afternoon with some pregnancy books from my cousin. We had a nice long chat. She asked if I was still on drugs and what was I on. I showed her my IVF calendars and she was really surprised and said I was brave to do all that. As I look back on it, it seems sort of surreal. Did I really slam shots into myself to get myself pregnant? Already seems like a distant memory.

E's Moving Day

Just home from helping E and C move. I've never seen such a clusterf#$ck in my life. Although they have known for 4 months that they were moving neither of them have done a thing to prepare. The old house looked completely like it was a normal day when we walked in. In other words, it was a wreck. There were a few boxes outside with random crap in them but they looked like they'd been out there awhile and maybe gotten rained on. There were about a dozen boxes available to move a family of 4. C kept wanting to throw out valuable stuff (Limoges plate because it had a crayon mark on it) and keep trash (almost empty bottles of toiletries). I about choked when I saw old, delicate and treasured items from my late Aunt Alys just thrown in boxes with pots and pans, old bills, medicine, jewelry. I tell you I've never seen anything like it. You would think they were being evicted and had to get out in one day. Lot's of chaos and no organization or preparation at all.

I tried to take charge of packing the kitchen in my 4 alloted boxes. I had to run the dishwasher and scrub up some dirty pans. I made two trips over to the new house, unpacked the boxes and returned to the old house with the empties to fill them again. Mom packed up some breakables from their secretary cabinet and took them home with her until the dust settles. Mom was extremely annoyed and showed it. It was a difficult situation but I tried to laugh it off. Thank goodness we had eachother to make snarky comments to.

There were more people from C's trashy family showing up so I said I was headed home. C's jackass father asked me how the immaculate conception was going. Her stupid know-it-all sister told me to eat a lot of sugar and caffeine before the next ultrasound so the baby would move around a lot. I took home two hampers of dirty clothes to launder and will try to make some sort of meal to bring over there tomorrow. Small things I can do while not actually being over there.

I'm supposed to pick up the girls at 5 and take them to see Secretariat and then keep them overnight so that C doesn't have to worry about having their beds ready tonight. But their cousin and Stretch's friend is over there now and I'm thinking they won't want to go. I wish I was the type of person who would take all those children to the movies, but I'm not. I have a feeling I'll get over there and C will find some excuse for them not to go. Grrr....

I want to thank you blog family for being out there in the blogosphere for me. The whole time I was over there I kept thinking, "The blog is really going to hear about THIS when I get home." So nice to have this outlet.

Desk Fairy

Ok, so I'm a big, fat liar. A few weeks ago I got sick of battling the case of the missing school supplies. The pencils and other school supplies that I have available for my students would not return themselves to the community baskets. So one night I cleaned out all the kids desks, recovering said supplies as well as filling up two trash cans. I also rearranged their desks because, well, it was just time. The next morning the whole class was just in awe. Surprised and wondering WHO could have done THIS? I don't know what made me say it. It's not like I had spent time creating this big myth. When they asked, I just said..."Looks like the desk fairy was here last night." That's all.

Well, I've been hearing them talking amongst themselves about it now for weeks. Somehow they keep getting more information out of me about this desk fairy. One girl asked me if he was small with wings. I said, "Oh no, he moves desks after all. He's a big fairy." And somehow they got the idea that if the desk fairy comes and finds a clean desk he'll leave a treat inside the desk. And today it happened. I was having a hard time getting them to clean up the classroom at the end of the day and... I just said it. "The desk fairy might come tonight." That got them moving but was it really right of me? Don't know but it's fairly amusing.

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I was remembering when E and C brought Stretch home as a newborn. They lived in a very small home at the time. I remember that I laughed because although they had the bassinet in the room beside their bedroom next to a doorway into their bedroom, they still had a baby monitor right next to her head and the receiver right next to their bed. I wondered if they thought they wouldn't hear an infant screaming that nearby without the monitor.

It's all perspective, isn't it. Now I'm planning to have the bassinet within arms reach because I'm a very deep sleeper and I'm scared I won't hear the baby crying and it will starve before morning. I don't have a back up person to shake me awake and say, "Hey, wake up! The baby needs you." I know, I know, I'm supposed to have that mother thing awaken within me that helps me listen while I sleep. But what if that switch doesn't turn on for me?

I shared that with my mom when she stopped by this evening. She got quite sentimental talking about when they brought me home. She said when you come home that first day, everything's so upside down and different. Your home doesn't look the same. Everything's so new and you're not sure what to do. She said she didn't even know how to change a diaper before I was born. They had the bassinet in their bedroom and she didn't get any sleep at all that first night because she listened for every breath and the pampers at the time made a crinkly sound with every move. She said she was tensed and ready to leap out of bed at any moment. The next night the bassinet was moved to the dining room. She had such a soft look on her face as she was talking about it. Not a side of my mother we see very often.

Names

This list of potential names is really getting ridiculous. I added another name a few days ago and decided that was it. No more. I'm going to have a tough enough time making this very important decision. I see Dr. H next week and if I'm lucky, I could possibly know if my Sweet Pea is a boy or girl. Soo exciting! And it will cut the list by half.

In no particular order:

Boy Names
Elliott
Silas
Clint
Eli
Wyatt
Greyson
Laine
Kent
Reed
Collin
Sawyer

Daniel
Cort
Ewan

William
Landon
Mitch
Victor
Trevor
Weston
Everett

Girl Names
Summer
Autumn
Zaiba
Rayna
Elizabeth
Lila
Quinn
Laine
Reed
Teagan
Harper
Kailen
Lyrica
Willow
Skylar

Feel free to weigh in.