Sunday, March 7, 2010

Confucius Say

I had dinner with my lovely yayas last night. It was sooooo good to have a night of girly giggling and catching up. My fortune cookie said:

"An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly."

Well, I think we all know what I'm translating that to mean. Just replace "alien" with "baby".

I did not tell the girls that I had a cycle on the calendar. They know all the details of what has happened so far and when I was sliding toward the edge they helped snatch me back. My family knows I have a donor and a cycle on the calendar but they don't know exactly when. Perhaps it is foolish of me to keep this secret. I know, I need my support system, I KNOW. They will be the ones right there to pick up the pieces if things don't go my way and perhaps it is unfair to keep it from them but....

I have this dream of becoming pregnant, surprising everyone with a big announcement and becoming enveloped their surprise and joy. I just can't let that go. I've given up hoping for every normal thing, husband, marriage, getting pregnant by conventional means, getting pregnant by high tech means with my own DNA. I've let go of so many damn dreams. Is it too much to ask that I'm able experience the joy of telling my loved ones about my miracle should I be lucky enough to experience one?

I try to convince myself that I'm sparing them some disappointment if my baby isn't able to find me.

I did tell B. today. B. is a friend that I met through an online weight loss forum. I haven't known her very long but I feel very close to her and she is always very open minded and a great support. She doesn't know any of my other friends so I know my secrets are safe with her. She said I'm far too independent and I should allow my friends and family to support me throughout the journey instead of keeping secrets and shocking them all when I'm desperate for TLC. She's probably right, but for now I'll hold my own council. Perhaps when it the actual event doesn't seem so far off...


  1. I have always dreamt of big surprise news too but everyone at work knows what's going on because of me leaving for dr appointments and i just don't think i'm strong enough to keep a secret but i'm still hoping to pull it off somehow-the is if we even get the chance!

  2. Glad you had a good time. I always love the idea of a surprise too but can never keep my mouth shut long enough.
    I hear you about giving up on so many things. I hope you're able to keep this dream.

  3. I had that dream too. Sadly it has been 6 year since we started seriously ttc our #2, and my mom has no idea. All that heartache and worry I have borne alone (well, and with the internet!). Now I feel stupid to mention it - I'm soooo old people can't believe we would be trying but of course if we had STARTED with IVF we probably wouldn't be here now. *sigh*

    Anyway, you should absolutely keep your own counsel, but make sure your counsel knows that support DURING the process is really important. OF COURSE it would be great to surprise people - and you will cuz tons of people won't know (unless you wear a placard announcing that you're cycling now and please donate to the cause). But as a friend, my recommendation would be to tell the nearest and dearest now (or when you start), and the rest of the "rabble" at the Big Reveal. It will still be a huge surprise for everyone, whether they are in on the details or not.

    Good luck hon! And go with your gut - I just can't help blabbing my opinions!

  4. I was so like that for most of my journey - keeping all info about cycling to myself in the hope of coming up with this big surprise. But it would have probably been better to share..
    I think you should do what feels best for you - share if/when you feel the need to do so. It is good though to know that you have this support of family and friends if/when you might need them (for good! or for bad).