Thursday, March 31, 2011

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Wee Woo Wee Woo

E and C come back late tonight. I have to say I'll be glad of a free evening. I've loved spending time with my nieces but they're getting homesick now and cranky. I think we're all ready to go back to our regular routine.

The first night they were with me, Stretch kept sneaking up on us. Dollface suggested that if either of us saw her coming, we should shout, "Wee woo, Wee woo!" like an old fashioned police car. We really laughed and have used "Wee woo, Wee woo!" for their whole visit.

Spring's Coming. In case you were wondering, those are blurred out chickens in the background.
Come Spring

Stretch buzzing around on her 4-wheeler. An action shot I couldn't get the other day.
Four Wheeler

"For you Madane" (Dollface using her own version of French) Flowers

This one is only worth sharing because I took it from really far away.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Old Shed

Picture of the Day: 52/365 I took the girls over to feed the pets and play and spotted this old shed on my brother's property. I was going for one of those lonely far away shots but couldn't get far enough away. Probably would have looked better in black and white.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Trampoline Time

I took the day off to get the girls off to school this morning and go to my tax appointment. Getting the girls up and ready this morning went amazingly smoothly. They both listened and did as they were told.

I dropped Dollface off at school and she wanted me to walk her in and meet her kindergarten teacher. She goes to kindergarten in my childhood school in my childhood kindergarten room. It felt odd and nostalgic to be there as an adult. I had the typical thought that everything looked so tiny.

This afternoon I packed them off to Mom and Dad's but will still be watching them afterschool until E and C come home on Thursday. We went to their house to check on the cat and dog and get in some trampoline time:

Two Sweeties

Trampoline Time

Trampoline Time 2

Beautiful 13


Did I mention that Madame Red showed up last week? Finally, after a week of progesterone and a week of waiting. And wowza, what a gusher she is. I was relieved to see her but sheesh...didn't want such an exciting reunion. I contacted the clinic because I was a little worried. They said to go on birth control pills which will slow and stop the flow as well as prepare me for trying again.

You read right....trying again.

Mom came over tonight to look at the backsplash tile that finally got delivered today. We were just sitting in the kitchen chatting and out of the blue, she says she's ready to look at Greyson's pictures. She cried and cried. Eventually she said she was glad I was going to be able to try again and that she was fully behind me.

I know it will be hellish if I lose another child, but it would be impossible to survive knowing I couldn't try again because I was too afraid.

I heard something yesterday that reminded me that if one great, awesome thing can happen in my life then another great, awesome thing can happen. was a TV preacher talking about how God can do anything and if you were healthy before, He can make you healthy again, etc, etc. I do not like TV preachers and do not watch them but as I was flipping channels some small phrase he said caught my ear and I stopped to hear more.

Just hearing what he said...I don't know how to explain it. Instantly something seemed to mend inside me and the attitude of my heart and mind changed. This might be a temporary upswing as I've had in the past, but it's here now and I'm doing what I can with it.

Greyson is helping me move foreward.

He's going to send me his little sister.

It's all going to be ok.

I'm going to sign up for a June cycle.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Out In The Sticks

A few inches of snow fell overnight and so our plans to go to the zoo were spoiled. It was gone by mid-morning and the girls played outside for quite a while. We mostly hung out here today watching TV and destroying the house playing. Dad stopped by with his favorite driving companion. 50/365 Dollface insisted on a driving lesson while Stretch buzzed around on her four-wheeler. Driving Lesson It's bizarre to see Dad driving down the road with Dixie Dog in the passenger seat. At first, you think it's some hunched over old man riding in the mule with him. Dad's Transport Just another day out here in the sticks.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

13 Year Old Guest Photographer

I have both of my sweet girls here for a couple days while their parents are winning big in Vegas. Stretch seems interested in two of my favorite hobbies. She took over my old camera and caught the aftermath of one of our favorite activities:

Cookie Mess

Cookies on the Way


In The Next Room

I went to see a...ummm...very interesting play with a few of the yayas tonight. In The Next Room or The Vibrator Play. Yes, it's about what you think it's about. I'll just quote the play's synopsis verbatim:
"Set at the dawn of the age of electricity in a well-to-do 1880s Victorian home, proper gentleman and scientist Dr. Givings has innocently invented an extraordinary device for treating “hysteria” in women (and, occasionally, men): the vibrator. His young wife tends to their newborn daughter and wonders exactly what is going on in the next room. This 2010 Tony Nominee for Best Play is based on actual bizarre history."

More here if you're interested.

Pretty hilarious, with tons of double entendre which I love. The lead actress was outstanding, very expressive facial and body expression playing a lonely character who was a bit flighty but also very thoughtful and deep. It was in a very small theater at Webster University. We sat in the very front row of this intimate venue and so close we could feel the breeze as the door on the set slammed. Mostly funny but there were a few choke up moments for me since there was a character in the play, the wet nurse, who'd lost a baby and her faith too.

Afterwards, a quick stop at City Garden to snap a few pics. This isn't a good one but I was able to learn a little from MB about making lights into stars.


Thursday, March 24, 2011

46 and 109

46/365 Days of Pictures
109/A Lifetime of Grief


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Crappy pic but I didn't want to skip a day.


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I miss Greyson.


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Camera Choices

Camera Choices:

1. A Sony A390 for $500. The lady at the shop told me it was about the same as a Canon but at a better price because it's a lesser known brand w/ fewer famous sponsors and advertising. Also, that it might be considered better because it had additional stabilizing in the lens itself not just in the body.

2. Buy my bro's Canon Rebel XT. It's about 3 years old and I think I can get it for $400. Great advantage to share lenses and knowledge with two brilliant photographers who already have Canons and could help me.

3. Buy a new Canon. I think prices run from $500 to $1000. Same good reasons as above to buy a Canon.

I think I know what I want to do.....

Picture of the Day:


Portrait of an old friend.

Pastor Jackie's Church

I finally worked up the courage to walk into Pastor Jackie's church today. I was very anxious the whole drive there and didn't really know if I'd actually be able to make myself walk in but when I got there, I just told myself to act like I'd done it a hundred times even if I didn't feel brave on the inside. I'm glad I went and I stayed for the whole service. I'd deliberately sat in the back thinking I could make a quick get away if I needed to but an elderly lady sat in the narrow spot next to me forcing me to scoot over and hemming (hymning?) me in.

It was different from my very conservative former church but I liked it. Very casual and friendly. Pastor Jackie was fluttering around before the service talking to everyone and she greeted me by name. The people sitting in front of me were telling another couple how much they liked Pastor Jackie and how different she was and that the church wasn't "stiff" anymore. They had time during the service to "pass the peace" and I was uncomfortable with that being shy and not knowing anyone but several people spoke to me and everyone seemed nice.

Truthfully, I was choked up most of the time and couldn't bring myself to sing at all. I kept thinking that the last time I was at a church service it was with Pastor Jackass and that the last time I saw Pastor Jackie she was helping me to put my son in the ground.

The sermon was all about "tender places" and how a relationship of trust had to come prior and about church being a tender place. Sweet Pastor Jackie became quite passionate while preaching and raised her southern accented voice.

I'm still not sure what I believe really and talking to God is very difficult. Life does not feel like a tender place because I don't really trust God right now. I'm ashamed to admit that but it is true. I once considered myself a person of great faith. That person seems very far away now.

Greyson is with me all the time of course but when I saw this graphic in the bulletin I felt him especially close. It was with a song about walking with the Lord.
Tender Places

Picture of the Day:
I just love fluffy-haired ladies in their Sunday finery. Don't you?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Camera Comparison

I'm seriously hot for a new camera in case you couldn't tell from previous posts. My generous brother loaned me his DSLR for the weekend and I'm giddy with experimenting even though I don't know much about this camera.
Let's do some comparisons, shall we?
Here are cabinet handles, his camera on the left, my old point and shoot on the right:
(No editing)
Camera Comparison

(edited for color and cropped)
Comparing Pennies

The rest are taken with his DSLR of random stuff around the house. The cream of the crop since I took about eleventy jillion pictures trying to learn about settings.
Cookie 1

Cookie 2

Wash during a cycle. I've been wanting to try this but knew it would be tough for my little camera to catch the moving water. DSLR is like magic.


Washin' 2

Even my camera shy girl gave me a good pose today.
My Clara

I MUST have a new camera so I can become an Arteest!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Girly Date

Oh boy, I'm really glad it's Friday. I had a fabulous "date" with my beautiful friend MB. We had Mexican food and Margaritas followed by some NEW CAMERA shopping. I didn't actually buy anything but MB gave me a lot of good advice and a lot of info to think about. I CAN'T wait to take that plunge and it will be soon, my friends. Then, off to the Bread Co for some more chatting. It was good to talk over all the good, bad and ugly going on in our lives and have a few laughs. Best "date" I've had in a while. Thanks MB!

On the way out, we spotted this fluttering flag and moonlit background. So we both snapped a few. As usual, graininess and fuzziness prevails. Oh well, you can still see it was a pretty sight.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

King of the Root Cellar

My neighbor's dog cracks me up by constantly being "King of the Hill" behind his fence. He's on top of the old root cellar (see the white wooden "entrance" to the right). I tried to get closer but he'd come down to defend his territory.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Happy Birthday Dollface

Happy 6th Birthday, Dollface!
Everytime I see you, you have a new story to tell me about kindergarten and your fabulous teacher or a new song to share. You've learned so much in your 5th year, I can't wait to see what your 6th year brings you.

I took 52 pictures and this sorry specimen was the best of the bunch.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Good, Bad and Ugly

In the wrong order but I don't care:
The Bad:
I should not have skipped school yesterday. The sub left me a note saying my class was horrible. Two different teachers said they'd seen how wild it was and stopped in there to help the sub. So I spent today cracking down on my little darlings. Not fun for them OR me and could have been avoided if I'd dragged my butt out of bed.

The Ugly:
I've been eating and eating and eating. I'm desperate to control it but feel like it's taking control instead. Nothing seems to be working and I'm out of excuses. It's all me now. Depression? I really could have stayed home again today.

The Good:
My bro put the handles on the new kitchen cabinets while I was at school. You don't realize how inconvenient it is to not have handles until you don't have them.

Which brings us to
The Picture of the Day:
Weird fuzziness. This has been showing up on many of my pics lately. I keep saying "it's the camera" doing it but I don't think it is. Not sure. I'm getting little frustrated on photo challenge, especially during the week.

Monday, March 14, 2011


So I just couldn't bring myself to go to work today. There was no big emotional or physical reason why. I couldn't drag my butt out of bed, that's all. I must have been overstimulated by spending the day with the Yas yesterday because I just couldn't get to sleep last night. I just kept thinking about the good time we'd had and different pictures I'd taken. At about 3:00am I found myself laying there thinking about us wearing those silly mustaches and giggling.. Plus the time change....errggg....I just couldn't do it today. I guess I'm playing hooky.

Photo of the Day:

I'm sure you all are tired of seeing and hearing about 555 but here it is again in a missed call from my former principal. I have not heard from her since she left our school beyond a sympathetic text message when I lost Greyson. She didn't leave a message and I can't imagine what she wants.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

First Ever Yaya Photo Adventure

Today was The First (annual? biannual? seasonal?) Yaya Photo Adventure! Thanks MB, for being the driving force behind the concept. Earlier this week, we each had the task of creating a list of 10 (5 easy, 5 difficult) scavenger hunt type items to find and take a photo of. Today we embarked on the adventure of running around St. Louis looking for and photographing the items. Not really a scavenger hunt or competition because we worked as a group to find the items and each took pictures of the items we wanted to photograph. It was really fun to find each item and we all got caught up in the excitement of the "hunt".

We started out in the Delmar Loop this morning and found quite a few items on our list of 50 items, laughing and gabbing the entire time. It was cool to walk around the area in the morning when there were only a few people around. Then, we were off to Forest Park where we found many of the nature related items. While there, we rolled up to an athletic couple who were running with a double stroller. We were so excited to have found the item "twins" from the list that we were laughing and screaming. I believe we frightened them. Next, a cruise around town looking for the last few items and then back to the Loop to have lunch at the Noodle Co., a little shopping and finally a bubble tea for the road.

You can see more of the pictures I took over here.
Many more coming soon from the other girls.

The first thing I did on our adventure was to find a penny. Here is the second penny I found today with the help of MC's friend, Ducky:

I kept my eyes peeled all day for 555 but didn't see it until I'd stopped looking and was on my own driving home:

First Ever Yaya Photo Adventure

Here is the list of items we searched for and photographs. All of our little lists compiled into one giant list. Can you believe we found every item on the list except the pink car? What can I say...we're just that good!

1. something moving
2. someone pumping gas
3. a sculpture
4. a refreshment of some kind
5. an old person
6. a piece of litter
7. a telephone pole
8. someone talking on a phone
9. a red car
10. a baby
11. steps/stairs
12. stop light/sign
13. Something to sit on
14. a reflection
15. movie theater
16. hookah
17. purple dress
18. litter
19. SUV
20. a statue
21. a barn
22. gelato
23. playground toys
24. a church
25. a mailbox

1. a bridge that is NOT over water
2. 3 animals together
3. a barn that is about to collapse
4. a delicious dessert
5. a store window with a mannequin
6. a found penny (not from purse)
7. two people holding hands
8. a bicycle
9. a woman wearing a hat
10. twins
11. someone with facial hair
12. a musical instrument (bonus if someone playing it)
13. duck or any bird
14. signs of spring
15. something that looks like a letter of the alphabet, but no print
16. natural redhead (m or f)
17. little kids playing outside together
18. a woman with 3 inch or higher heels
19. a sign in a language other than English
20. a stray cat
21. a white picket fence
22. a celebrity
23. a daffodil
24. a rainbow or prism of some sort
25. a pink car.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


I have looked back on tough times in the past and I can see why I had to go through them. Hindsight is 20/20 they say. While struggling to get pregnant I asked why I was having these hardships again and again. I prayed so hard during that time, begging God to send my child. When I became pregnant, I thought I understood...this was absolutely the right time for my baby to find me. There was a great and wonderful plan for us. I understood why it was such a struggle. The trials made the joy that much more precious.

Fourteen weeks after losing my sweet boy, I'm still struggling to look at the bigger picture. I think about why my baby left this world everyday and never come up with a good reason. I try to think of reasons I will perhaps leave the earth without becoming a real mother to a living child. Reasons I was given exactly 20 weeks of miraculous happiness with my son and not one day more.

Could it be because my parents are getting older and I'll need to be free to care for them?
Do I need to stay childless to be a great aunt to my nieces?
Would some certain student suffer if I were distracted in years to come by becoming a mom?
Is it so I will write about the hell of losing a pregnancy on this blog?
Did it happen so that I'd become closer to my family or friends?
Or so that I could find a greater understanding or learn to love in a bigger and deeper way than I ever have before?

I've thought many times that perhaps I'd be a terrible mother when faced with the reality instead of the daydream.

The pieces just don't fit together. I can't see why at all.
Should I just be grateful to have experienced pregnancy at all?
Are some lives meant to be empty like this?

Picture of the day:
I was trying to capture the beautiful ruby red color of the wine as the sun came through it. It didn't turn out quite as I liked.

PS. I survived the haircut. It's not a great cut but I got through it. Thankfully it was a sweet, softspoken gal and not a constant talker. I've been wanting to go to the craft store and buy stuff for a little scrapbook for Greyson. That nearly took my breath away but I finally did that today too.

Friday, March 11, 2011


Pretty good day at school. Pretty low evening. I tried to get a "walk in" haircut but I had to make an appointment for the morning. The last time I got one I was eight weeks pregnant. Probably one of the last things I have left to do in my post pregnancy life that the last time I did it, I was pregnant. Don't know. Lowest feeling I've had since being on drugs. Thankfully, Dollface nagged her mother wanting to come over for a while and being around her pulled me up. It really is family and friends who are pulling me through.

Nothing caught my eye today for the Photo Challenge but here is one of my dad's hands that I took last weekend:


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Functional Kitchen

I came home to a functional kitchen! More excited about it than I thought I would be. Possibly more excited than I have been since Greyson left me. It will be a while before the backsplash, floor and trim are installed but now I can cook real meals. I'll have to find some other excuse for eating junk all the time....or I could stop eating so much junk and try to get my body (and mind and heart) ready for the future. Whatever that may hold.

Pictures of the Day:

33/365 Take 2


Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Playground Puddle

Picture of the Day:

Yes, it's my week for playground duty. How did you guess? Later on during recess, this sweet looking little girl got suspended for being one of the ringleaders of the "Mean Girls Club". Yes, they actually named themselves that and then would target kids to pick on. Grrrr

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


I did the ditziest thing EVER on the way to work this morning. I was thinking so hard and so fast about Sweet Pea and what Dr. A said and 555 and trying again and not trying again. I was driving but I wasn't really there. Maybe the medication had something to do with it too, I do seem to get "fuzzed out" at times. Anyway, I missed my exit off the freeway. The next exit down was closed for construction. Somehow I ended up wandering around the serious hood. I was 15 minutes late for work and felt totally foolish. Stupid overdrive brain! Stupid depression that I have to take drugs for! I'm surpised stuff like this doesn't happen more often.

My picture today is dedicated to my amazing friend MB. I went to her school to support her as she managed a huge concert for more than 400 high school students. Everything went smoothly and I could tell she was well respected and liked by all the student council kids. She handled it all with calm grace.

Hang in there MB! Sunday is coming!


Monday, March 7, 2011

Doctor's New Office

If you were wondering what the ultimate irony is, it's receiving my son's gravestone proofsheet in the mail on the same day as my appointment to see the doctor about maybe trying to get pregnant again someday.

I really miss being his mom.

My heart runneth over with raw mixed emotions. And there might even be a bit of hope and looking to the future mixed in there along with the sorrow and the gone-ness of him.

Dr. AA had a lot to say while really having nothing new to say. He has no answers either as to why that sad, bad thing happened to us. He agreed with everything Dr. H said. He prescribed progesterone to help start my period. He says there is "probably" a baby in amongst the 6 frozen embryos, it's just a matter of finding it, either when I try again or the next time I try after that. He said I have about the same chance at getting pregnant as I did the first time and that if an embryo doesn't survive the thaw it's because it was genetically "bad" not because it was frozen. Everything for this new cycle, if I chose to go forward, would be basically the same as Sweet Pea's cycle. He encouraged me to try again as soon as possible. I'm to call the clinic when my period makes an appearance.

I'm not sure I want to or can even bring myself to try again but....

I'd forgotten that I already love them.

My six frozen embryos.

Just like I loved Sweet Pea before he grew inside me.

My doctor just moved offices. Guess what his new street number is:
I actually got an email about the doctor moving offices the day after I got home from the hospital. I had horrible, bitter thoughts when I read that email but I didn't delete it.
Was it Sweet Pea even then, nudging me forward?

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Leclede's Landing Outing

My photography friends took me on a little photo outing to Leclede's Landing and the Riverfront in St.Louis. I don't know how these girls knew what I needed to help me move forward and heal. I'm surprised every day that I've taken interest in photography but so grateful they pulled me into this challenge and this new hobby.

Good Times Train
Loved this train for the color and for some reason it reminded me of the opening of that old 70's show "Good Times". Which, of course, made us attempt to sing the song.

Eades Bridge
Eades Bridge

Street Corner Clock
Street Corner Clock

Valve thingies on the street.

Brass Number
Brass Number Plate on an old building.

Mardi Gras Aftermath
Marti Gras Aftermath

St. Louis Arch
St. Louis Arch

Penny From Heaven
Penny From Heaven

Found Dime
Dime from Heaven?

A few more pics here: