Handkerchief for Greyson

I feel so rich in the friendships I've grown through blogging. What a delightful surprise from one of my first bloggy friends Samantha. A handkerchief embroidered with my Sweet Pea's name. So thoughtful. I love knowing that my Greyson is in so many of my reader's thoughts. I will never tire of hearing or reading that. Thank you so much, Samantha for reading through thick and thin.

Greyson's Mom

I'd like to thank the anonymous kind-hearted soul who sent me this gift. The lady from 2 sisters would NOT crack and even hint at your identity. Whoever you are you truly know who I am. You touched my heart today. I will wear it with pride. Thank you.

Christmas Candle Light Memorial

(last night)

Greyson's Autumn Angel

One Year

Gift

Inked

Ink:


Tattoo hands:



Matt the Tattoo Guy:



This one gives me plenty of street cred:


Sweet pea blossoms for my Sweet Pea:

Flowers At School

I was STUNNED to receive flowers at work today. I assure you this has never happened before. Thank you, Nell, for brightening my day during a rough time of the year for me. You are a very special person.




See how they brighten up my space at work:

Screw Maker

I forgot what this thing is called but it's for making screws while repairing machinery, such as if a screw on the machinery has been destroyed for some reason:



A sweet memory about sweet flutters from one year ago.

All Saint's Day

Honoring Greyson at church:

Pins For Greyson

That other pregnant teacher who got to take her baby home has a side business making greeting cards. One day a few weeks ago she approached me wanting to make these cards for Infant Loss Awareness Month. She even said that though it appears sometimes people forget...they don't mean to. Incredibly generous and helped me get over some of the wretched feelings I was having toward her which were not her fault.



I can help but keep thinking I should be handing out baptism invitations instead.

Infant Loss Awareness Memorial Walk

Dear friends at the Infant Loss Awareness Memorial Walk:





Angel of Hope:

Greyson's Ribbon

Lately there has been a very insensitive game on FB wherein women announce fake pregnancies. Those of us struggling know how hurtful that has been. A good friend of mine from my Infant Loss Support Group was inspired with the idea of creating memorial ribbons to post as our FB profile picture in honor of Infant Loss Month coming up in October and as a mild form of retaliation for all those fake pregnancies. If you are interested in having her make one for you or someone you know see one or both of these two links:

Awareness Ribbon Information

or

FB Event: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month


PS Kelly is my real life friend so if you do contact her feel free to mention my name but NOT my blog. Thanks.

Eight Months Ago

Eight months ago I gave birth to my son, beautiful, still and silent.

He is no less, just because he is not here.


Support Group:

A Tree For Greyson

The Troops didn't know it but it's also for three little bees that I am really missing.

Levity from the Cemetary

I guess it's real.


Greyson's Angel looks fanciful dressed in springtime honeysuckle:


Now for the levity:
I bet everyone was always glad to see him.
I know I will be tomorrow.

Due Date Update

Maybe you've noticed that I haven't written a word since our due date over a week ago. Weird, huh? I'm not really sure why. Although there was certainly a cyclone of emotions going on, I guess I didn't feel the need to release them to the universe. Perhaps I was waiting for the due date to fully embrace acceptance. Although it feels like that will never happen 100%.

Due Date Update:
I was dreading this day so very much. It was properly horrid but I fought my way through the day and survived. I was actually at work, keeping busy and holding on by my fingernails but doing ok until a younger teacher tripped by saying she had to check on another teacher who was suffering with morning sickness. She had just found out she was pregnant. The bottom fell out for me and the rest of the day was very painful and I wasn't sure I would survive it. However, I guess no one has died from a broken heart or from too much crying, so here I am.

The family and friends (and of course all of YOU kind readers) really did gather round and I had wonderful support. One sweet coworker actually gave me a card and flowers. Surprisingly, my dad was the most prevalent but you'd never get him to admit that he stopped by here everyday for over a week in the days surrounding our due date. Always some little repair or item to drop off or pick up. Luckily, I can translate "Dadspeak".

The next day I felt markedly improved but still pretty low. That other pregnant teacher started having contractions on Friday which rounded out the week of misery. For a few days I could not stop thinking about what giving birth to my live son on or near our due date would have been like. I was tormented with wondering about this and being broken hearted that it didn't happen.

The day after our due date, a big box of medication arrived for the upcoming FET. Familiar names on the bottles, familiar syringes, familiar instructions...but such unfamiliar emotions. Dread, that "Oh God, here we go again" feeling, a little hope, a lot of fear. I guess I haven't really embraced acceptance fully because I just can't believe I have to slam shots into myself again.

Something happened that next day. I was able to start exercising and tracking my food intake. I've done both everyday since. I also stopped writing as you know and didn't even go to my support group that week. Not really sure what is going on with that.

I had a double whammy this week. Counseling and Reiki on the same evening. RK, THE counselor advised me to put nearly every thing I have into being as healthy and positive as I can be for this new cycle while at the same time preparing a small part of myself for what could happen. Reiki Lady is still extremely sure I will become a mother. She said the feminine part of my body is dancing and ready to go while the right leg which is in charge of stepping into new experiences is very stiff. Interesting because I've been having some pain in my right knee and hip while exercising. I didn't have too many images come to me this time but did picture myself dancing and also had an image of a picture I wanted to take (Rapunzel's tower) rather than pictures I had already taken which is what usually comes to me.

My son died on my dad's birthday.
I begin taking medication for the new cycle on my mom's birthday.
Our embryo transfer is June 7.

It's time to look to the future.
But I sure miss my boy.



Now for a laugh after that heavily serious post.
Bucket of Chicken:

Our Due Date

Dear Greyson, My Sweet Pea,

I loved you with a greatness I didn't know my heart capable of. I started loving you long before you were put inside me and I haven't stopped loving you, my Beautiful Boy. I thought the happiest day of my life was when I found out you had stayed with me and were growing. The days only got happier as we went along together. The happiest, I think, was our 20 week ultrasound. When I saw you moving all around on that screen and heard your Mawmaw crying tears of joy, I knew you were real and it felt like happiness might just bubble right out of me. My heart expanded and was overflowing with love for you. I felt as though you and I were already on a great adventure together.

I wish I'd talked outloud to you while you were with me, instead of just talking to you from inside my head. I wish I'd read story books and sang to you. I hope you felt every excited, caring, wondering and loving thought and feeling I had for you, My Darling Boy. They were many and constant and will continue for as long as I'm alive.

I know you would have been a good baby, but I wonder all the time about what kind of little boy you would have been. Rambunctious and into everything or maybe quieter and more creative? Would you have been sullen or rebellious or hard to handle as a teenager or even-tempered or popular or athletic? I often think about what our lives together would have been like as you grew up. Would you have moved far away from me as an adult or stayed close by? Would you have followed in your PawPaw and Uncle's footsteps and become a farmer? Or a veterinarian? Or a businessman? Or a musician? I know you were smart and could become anything you wanted. I was proud of you from the moment I knew about you.

You were the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. So small. Perfect in every way to the eyes of your mother. I'm very sorry I was overcome by sorrow and unable to hold you for a longer time. I'll forever hold you in my heart and will never, never let you go.

I've learned so much from sharing your short life, My Sweet Baby. I love in a bigger, deeper way because I loved you. I'm more caring of those around me. I have a better awareness of what is really important in this life. I've learned that God does stay with us, even when we are broken by life's cruelty and unable to stay with Him. I'm a stronger, kinder person with a bigger more generous heart because your beautiful life was a part of mine and will be forever.

Thank you, Greyson, for making my fairytale dream of becoming a mother, your mother come true.

You'll always be my baby, my son, my beautiful dream.

Love forever,
Mama

Greyson's View

Springtime wild flowers have carpeted our hill at the cemetery.
It's lovely but I wish I didn't have to go there.



In the same general area at the top of the hill stands this very old statue.
Although she's not really near him, I've begun to think of her as Greyson's Angel.



I thought she looked beautiful today with the light and shadows over her.
I like the pensive look on her face.

Fighting Grief: Round 558

I received the most amazing and unexpected gift today. My sister-in-law came over to "look at the new tile." She asked me about the appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist and we talked about that for a few minutes. Then, out of the blue she offered to carry a child for me if I should have another sad, bad thing happen with this next try. I was so flabbergasted that I'm not sure I reacted sufficiently grateful. All I could do was sort of hem and haw my thanks. Before I could collect my thoughts, Mom drove up. I'll need to write her an email. I always knew she had a giving heart but now, I take back every mean thing I ever said or thought about her. Or most of them anyway. :)

Every cell in my heart hopes it doesn't come to that. I would rather the FET just not take. Still unsure about surviving another sad, bad thing.

I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've made an effort to keep negativity off the blog recently and I truthfully have been on quite an emotional upswing the past couple weeks. But now I seem to be heading toward a downturn. Why? Could be no reason at all. These things seem to turn on me like lightning with no provocation at all. It could be because I got that damn sample pack of formula in the mail and it took my breath away but I managed it ok. As I filled my medicine caddy yesterday, I realized I was out of antidepressants. By the time I got the refill, it was late in the day and I decided to just skip it. By evening, I was crashing. I don't know if it was missing a dose or just "where I am" but again I'm wondering why, why, why my little baby had to die. Wondering about the path of my life. Wondering why trying for my second child isn't enough motivation to eat right and exercise. Etc, etc, etc. I'm fighting the same old bad, sad crap, ding, ding, round 558. It's better today but I'm really wondering about my capability of being off this medication.

Oh and that other pregnant teacher is on FB complaining that she's "totally over" being "preggo".

How I wish with all that I am that I was still preggo.

I would have been 38 weeks pregnant this week and cannot stop thinking about what it might have been like to still have my Sweet Pea kicking inside me. We would have had a shower by now. the nursery would have been decorated by now with Mom's help. She probably would have OVER decorated it. We might have had quarrels about it. I'd be on maternity leave by now. Maybe I'd be having contractions right now. Or he might even be born and home in my arms this very moment.

Oh I miss him so much. With body, soul, heart, mind. No gut wrenching cry or words I write here can express how much I miss my son.

Picture of the Day:



Dad and I grouted the new kitchen tile.
He came over this evening to adjust some shelves in the new cabinets and kept hanging around like he was wanting to say something but never did. I wish I had offered a penny for his thoughts.