Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Church Steeple
This neon cross was put up as the steeple in 1955 as part of a renovation on my former church. My dad was attending first grade in the Lutheran school across the parking lot from the church while the renovations were in progress. He said hundreds of bats flew out when they pulled the old steeple down and for years afterwards the barns all around had an over population of bats. My grandpa rewired the church for the cross. It was a point of pride for the congregation at the time. It can be seen for miles around. It's now considered an antique.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Pastor Jackie's Church
I finally worked up the courage to walk into Pastor Jackie's church today. I was very anxious the whole drive there and didn't really know if I'd actually be able to make myself walk in but when I got there, I just told myself to act like I'd done it a hundred times even if I didn't feel brave on the inside. I'm glad I went and I stayed for the whole service. I'd deliberately sat in the back thinking I could make a quick get away if I needed to but an elderly lady sat in the narrow spot next to me forcing me to scoot over and hemming (hymning?) me in.
It was different from my very conservative former church but I liked it. Very casual and friendly. Pastor Jackie was fluttering around before the service talking to everyone and she greeted me by name. The people sitting in front of me were telling another couple how much they liked Pastor Jackie and how different she was and that the church wasn't "stiff" anymore. They had time during the service to "pass the peace" and I was uncomfortable with that being shy and not knowing anyone but several people spoke to me and everyone seemed nice.
Truthfully, I was choked up most of the time and couldn't bring myself to sing at all. I kept thinking that the last time I was at a church service it was with Pastor Jackass and that the last time I saw Pastor Jackie she was helping me to put my son in the ground.
The sermon was all about "tender places" and how a relationship of trust had to come prior and about church being a tender place. Sweet Pastor Jackie became quite passionate while preaching and raised her southern accented voice.
I'm still not sure what I believe really and talking to God is very difficult. Life does not feel like a tender place because I don't really trust God right now. I'm ashamed to admit that but it is true. I once considered myself a person of great faith. That person seems very far away now.
Greyson is with me all the time of course but when I saw this graphic in the bulletin I felt him especially close. It was with a song about walking with the Lord.
Picture of the Day:
I just love fluffy-haired ladies in their Sunday finery. Don't you?
It was different from my very conservative former church but I liked it. Very casual and friendly. Pastor Jackie was fluttering around before the service talking to everyone and she greeted me by name. The people sitting in front of me were telling another couple how much they liked Pastor Jackie and how different she was and that the church wasn't "stiff" anymore. They had time during the service to "pass the peace" and I was uncomfortable with that being shy and not knowing anyone but several people spoke to me and everyone seemed nice.
Truthfully, I was choked up most of the time and couldn't bring myself to sing at all. I kept thinking that the last time I was at a church service it was with Pastor Jackass and that the last time I saw Pastor Jackie she was helping me to put my son in the ground.
The sermon was all about "tender places" and how a relationship of trust had to come prior and about church being a tender place. Sweet Pastor Jackie became quite passionate while preaching and raised her southern accented voice.
I'm still not sure what I believe really and talking to God is very difficult. Life does not feel like a tender place because I don't really trust God right now. I'm ashamed to admit that but it is true. I once considered myself a person of great faith. That person seems very far away now.
Greyson is with me all the time of course but when I saw this graphic in the bulletin I felt him especially close. It was with a song about walking with the Lord.
Picture of the Day:
I just love fluffy-haired ladies in their Sunday finery. Don't you?
Sunday, February 13, 2011
My Church
Once again I didn't make it to Pastor Jackie's church. But I did visit my former church this afternoon. The comforting, familiar scent of old wood and fresh candle wax wrapped around me and I realized I how much had been missing this. Not just the reverent ceremony of worship in a church but this church building. My church. Where I had been baptized, learned Bible stories and songs in Sunday school and where I had the honor of escorting my Grandma, who had the greatest Faith I've ever witnessed, to services every week during the last few years of her life. The church where I had envisioned my son being baptized.
I think I've mentioned that it is a very small country church. Deserted at noon on Sunday. I just walked in and sat, in the quiet, talking to God and crying for a long time.
It felt horribly wonderful to sit in the familiar pew washed with warm light. Wonderful because I was able to fully talk to God in a way I haven't been able to since my beautiful boy died inside me on Dec. 4. Horrible because this kind of overwhelming anger, sadness and despair is truly appalling to feel, almost unspeakable.
I raged and raged at God and asked every "why" there was to ask. And I cried and cried. Every emotional scab I've managed to achieve was ripped open and again I wondered if I'd survive.
I told God I hated Him and if he'd been in front of me as a person, I would have physically murdered him. Simultaneously, I experienced horror and shock that I could feel this way.
Eventually I was burned out of anger and wrung dry of tears. I sat there longer still and finally a modicum calmness came. This is far from over between God and I but finally I'm able to pray a little.
I left my church and took a long walk. It was cleansing to feel the sun, warm on my face and the breeze in my hair.
Maybe next week I'll go to Pastor Jackie's church.
Or maybe I'll go back to my church and have it out with God again.
Picture of the Day:
I think I've mentioned that it is a very small country church. Deserted at noon on Sunday. I just walked in and sat, in the quiet, talking to God and crying for a long time.
It felt horribly wonderful to sit in the familiar pew washed with warm light. Wonderful because I was able to fully talk to God in a way I haven't been able to since my beautiful boy died inside me on Dec. 4. Horrible because this kind of overwhelming anger, sadness and despair is truly appalling to feel, almost unspeakable.
I raged and raged at God and asked every "why" there was to ask. And I cried and cried. Every emotional scab I've managed to achieve was ripped open and again I wondered if I'd survive.
I told God I hated Him and if he'd been in front of me as a person, I would have physically murdered him. Simultaneously, I experienced horror and shock that I could feel this way.
Eventually I was burned out of anger and wrung dry of tears. I sat there longer still and finally a modicum calmness came. This is far from over between God and I but finally I'm able to pray a little.
I left my church and took a long walk. It was cleansing to feel the sun, warm on my face and the breeze in my hair.
Maybe next week I'll go to Pastor Jackie's church.
Or maybe I'll go back to my church and have it out with God again.
Picture of the Day:
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Calling All Believers
My God.
My Lord.
My Father.
My whole life I knew in the deepest part of my being that God had a plan for me. He knew every breath I took, numbered the hairs on my head, knit my bones in the womb with joy. It was comforting to know this. I believed that every little thing happened for a reason. It felt safe to be in God's hands. I felt loved.
Back then, even in my darkest days, I knew I had immeasurable joy in front of me. I knew God wanted me to be happy.
I was as sure of him and his plan for me as I was of taking the next breath. I prayed everynight in good times and bad. For years, asking God to send my child and then giving thanks daily after I was pregnant. I used to talk to God like he was my friend. I used to trust him.
In the time right after I lost Greyson, everything I thought I knew about my God was destroyed. I stopped believing there was a God. The God I was so close with had disappeared.
I couldn't believe this was part of our plan.
The most frightening thing was that I didn't feel my Lord anywhere around me. I didn't feel held or planned for or loved at all. In those early days, I felt nothing in the way of faith, only a void where God used to be. There are still many dark and scary days when I feel this way.
And later, there was plenty of anger for a God who would cause this kind of devastation in my life. What kind of God only gives a baby 20 weeks of life? What kind of God only gives a woman 20 weeks of happiness? What kind of plan for my life could involve me leaving the planet without being a mother?
I still don't believe my child died for a reason. I'll never accept that. At times when I used to see God working in my life, I now only see the randomness of the world.
I know it is not God who has changed but me. My heart is full of pain and shut tight, not allowing him in. Some days I do feel my belief that there actually is a God returning. But I don't recognize the God who is with me now. A God who seems uncaring and cruel. There have been a few times that I've squeezed out genuine prayers but mostly, when I start to pray, I just trail off and am not able to finish the thought. It's a terrifying feeling to be living this life without faith and to feel that God is an unkind stranger. Like walking a tightrope without a net, the fear of falling and dying is real.
After Greyson's funeral, I talked about not being able to feel God anywhere around me to Pastor Jackie. I asked her to talk to God for me, as I was not able to myself. If you're reading and you are a believer, I ask you to do the same.
I don't think I'll be able to move forward until I'm right with God and I'm unsure of how to make this happen.
Every week I think about going to Pastor Jackie's church. Every week I don't go and I wonder if it's hypocritical to attend church without faith.
Please ask him to hurry because I'm scared and I need him.
My Lord.
My Father.
My whole life I knew in the deepest part of my being that God had a plan for me. He knew every breath I took, numbered the hairs on my head, knit my bones in the womb with joy. It was comforting to know this. I believed that every little thing happened for a reason. It felt safe to be in God's hands. I felt loved.
Back then, even in my darkest days, I knew I had immeasurable joy in front of me. I knew God wanted me to be happy.
I was as sure of him and his plan for me as I was of taking the next breath. I prayed everynight in good times and bad. For years, asking God to send my child and then giving thanks daily after I was pregnant. I used to talk to God like he was my friend. I used to trust him.
In the time right after I lost Greyson, everything I thought I knew about my God was destroyed. I stopped believing there was a God. The God I was so close with had disappeared.
I couldn't believe this was part of our plan.
The most frightening thing was that I didn't feel my Lord anywhere around me. I didn't feel held or planned for or loved at all. In those early days, I felt nothing in the way of faith, only a void where God used to be. There are still many dark and scary days when I feel this way.
And later, there was plenty of anger for a God who would cause this kind of devastation in my life. What kind of God only gives a baby 20 weeks of life? What kind of God only gives a woman 20 weeks of happiness? What kind of plan for my life could involve me leaving the planet without being a mother?
I still don't believe my child died for a reason. I'll never accept that. At times when I used to see God working in my life, I now only see the randomness of the world.
I know it is not God who has changed but me. My heart is full of pain and shut tight, not allowing him in. Some days I do feel my belief that there actually is a God returning. But I don't recognize the God who is with me now. A God who seems uncaring and cruel. There have been a few times that I've squeezed out genuine prayers but mostly, when I start to pray, I just trail off and am not able to finish the thought. It's a terrifying feeling to be living this life without faith and to feel that God is an unkind stranger. Like walking a tightrope without a net, the fear of falling and dying is real.
After Greyson's funeral, I talked about not being able to feel God anywhere around me to Pastor Jackie. I asked her to talk to God for me, as I was not able to myself. If you're reading and you are a believer, I ask you to do the same.
I don't think I'll be able to move forward until I'm right with God and I'm unsure of how to make this happen.
Every week I think about going to Pastor Jackie's church. Every week I don't go and I wonder if it's hypocritical to attend church without faith.
Please ask him to hurry because I'm scared and I need him.
Monday, November 22, 2010
It Ends On A Positive Note: Updated
Pastor Jackass' latest email:
"Hi Paige,
You and your baby have been constantly in my prayers since we met and will continue to be. I want you to know that and that I care deeply for you and your baby in the Lord. I also wanted to write to ask for your understanding and forgiveness for any of my inadequacies as a pastor: I surely have many. My intention is always to bring the Word of God to my parishioners and I never want my failings or personality to get in the way of that Word. As you look forward to the months and years ahead, I believe that there is much in the Word of God that you should consider in faith and humility - for as the Psalmist said, "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a guide to my path." When you want to talk about that Word of God in a confidential and non-confrontational environment, know that my door is always open.
In Christ,
Pastor Jackass"
I actually laughed when I read it. "cares deeply"? "inadequacies as a pastor"? Please! What arrogant garbage.
A friend and my mom seem to think that word has gotten back to him about how horribly I think I was treated. The comment about "confidential and non-confrontational" make me wonder. It's true I have talked far and wide about it and my family has done the same. Someone could have spoken to him about it inspiring the apology. As for his door always being open...give me a break, I'll never darken that doorstep again.
Even funnier, Mom's response after I forwarded her the email:
"Sounds like he got the word. I'd tell him to blow it out his ditty bag! Hope you have a return e-mail prepared for him. If not, I can help. Don't (DO NOT) go easy on him - he has earned all the wrath you can throw at him!!FOOL, what a bunch of crap! How fast can he back track, bet skid marks can be seen somewhere. Damn right, he had a lot of inadequacies - make a list, a long one. Don't let him get away with this "I'm so humble crap"! I think that's all fake anyway. Apparently he thinks you're the one who should be humble. Don't think he's changed his thinking in any way - just maybe realized his delivery was so horrible. But that really doesn't change the meaning of the initial discussion. Don't think it'd be at all beneficial for you to meet with him. I expect he'd just keep hammering away at you in an attempt to make you repent - which we both know is NOT necessary!! He as much as admits that with the "non confrontational" bit. It's a good thing you can laugh - my ears are red!"
She's so mad, but "Blow it out his ditty bag"? actually made me LOL. I have no idea where she comes up with these things. I asked her what a "ditty bag" was and she said she didn't know, it was just an old saying.
My response back to him:
"Thank you for your apology but you should know that I felt none of this caring or love that you write of during our meeting, only callus criticism and judgment. I understand these are controversial issues and difficult for some to talk about. However, until meeting with you, I had never encountered a preacher who wouldn't look me in the eye or who didn't offer to read scripture or pray with me no matter how difficult the topic. I was very upset for days not as a result of what you had to say but how you said it. I suggest you seek counseling in tact and compassion. Clearly, I cannot stay at a church where my child may be treated harshly as I have been. Please do not contact me again."
I'm ready to put this whole horrible experience behind me. The responses I've received in real life and here on the blog have proven to me many times over that there is a hell of a lot more LOVE and acceptance in the world than narrow-minded cruelty.
Also, I believe that never does something negative happen that something good doesn't come out of it:
--I've experienced my first flash of mother tigress "I'll kill you if you hurt my baby" emotion. Outside of love for my baby, this is probably the strongest emotion I've ever felt. I know I can stand up and protect Sweet Pea if I need to.
--I've been forced to move outside my comfort zone and find a new church home. My childhood church hasn't met my religious needs for years but I was too comfortable there and too lazy to make the effort to find one that fit me. Now I know I will.
--Now that I've handled this crazy kind of harshness, I know I can handle it in the future if I have to. I can voice my beliefs without being emotional or backing down.
Probably more that I'm not seeing right now. I really believe that every little thing happens for some purpose. Pray for us tonight, girls....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Updated:
Well, I just spoke to S about this whole mess. She had told her mom about the meeting and her mom was horrified as everyone else has been. I guess her mom said something to the preacher before or after church sticking up for me and saying that he should not have said that to me. Apparently, they had a short conversation about it. The preacher got visibly upset and admitted he probably shouldn't have said all that to me. S's mom told him that she didn't think I was coming back and he acted surprised. I'm so surprised and touched that S's mom would, unasked, confront him like that. I really want to go right over there and hug her to pieces. I now know what prompted this apology..he wanted to feel better about himself. No matter, I'm done with it and moving on.
"Hi Paige,
You and your baby have been constantly in my prayers since we met and will continue to be. I want you to know that and that I care deeply for you and your baby in the Lord. I also wanted to write to ask for your understanding and forgiveness for any of my inadequacies as a pastor: I surely have many. My intention is always to bring the Word of God to my parishioners and I never want my failings or personality to get in the way of that Word. As you look forward to the months and years ahead, I believe that there is much in the Word of God that you should consider in faith and humility - for as the Psalmist said, "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a guide to my path." When you want to talk about that Word of God in a confidential and non-confrontational environment, know that my door is always open.
In Christ,
Pastor Jackass"
I actually laughed when I read it. "cares deeply"? "inadequacies as a pastor"? Please! What arrogant garbage.
A friend and my mom seem to think that word has gotten back to him about how horribly I think I was treated. The comment about "confidential and non-confrontational" make me wonder. It's true I have talked far and wide about it and my family has done the same. Someone could have spoken to him about it inspiring the apology. As for his door always being open...give me a break, I'll never darken that doorstep again.
Even funnier, Mom's response after I forwarded her the email:
"Sounds like he got the word. I'd tell him to blow it out his ditty bag! Hope you have a return e-mail prepared for him. If not, I can help. Don't (DO NOT) go easy on him - he has earned all the wrath you can throw at him!!FOOL, what a bunch of crap! How fast can he back track, bet skid marks can be seen somewhere. Damn right, he had a lot of inadequacies - make a list, a long one. Don't let him get away with this "I'm so humble crap"! I think that's all fake anyway. Apparently he thinks you're the one who should be humble. Don't think he's changed his thinking in any way - just maybe realized his delivery was so horrible. But that really doesn't change the meaning of the initial discussion. Don't think it'd be at all beneficial for you to meet with him. I expect he'd just keep hammering away at you in an attempt to make you repent - which we both know is NOT necessary!! He as much as admits that with the "non confrontational" bit. It's a good thing you can laugh - my ears are red!"
She's so mad, but "Blow it out his ditty bag"? actually made me LOL. I have no idea where she comes up with these things. I asked her what a "ditty bag" was and she said she didn't know, it was just an old saying.
My response back to him:
"Thank you for your apology but you should know that I felt none of this caring or love that you write of during our meeting, only callus criticism and judgment. I understand these are controversial issues and difficult for some to talk about. However, until meeting with you, I had never encountered a preacher who wouldn't look me in the eye or who didn't offer to read scripture or pray with me no matter how difficult the topic. I was very upset for days not as a result of what you had to say but how you said it. I suggest you seek counseling in tact and compassion. Clearly, I cannot stay at a church where my child may be treated harshly as I have been. Please do not contact me again."
I'm ready to put this whole horrible experience behind me. The responses I've received in real life and here on the blog have proven to me many times over that there is a hell of a lot more LOVE and acceptance in the world than narrow-minded cruelty.
Also, I believe that never does something negative happen that something good doesn't come out of it:
--I've experienced my first flash of mother tigress "I'll kill you if you hurt my baby" emotion. Outside of love for my baby, this is probably the strongest emotion I've ever felt. I know I can stand up and protect Sweet Pea if I need to.
--I've been forced to move outside my comfort zone and find a new church home. My childhood church hasn't met my religious needs for years but I was too comfortable there and too lazy to make the effort to find one that fit me. Now I know I will.
--Now that I've handled this crazy kind of harshness, I know I can handle it in the future if I have to. I can voice my beliefs without being emotional or backing down.
Probably more that I'm not seeing right now. I really believe that every little thing happens for some purpose. Pray for us tonight, girls....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Updated:
Well, I just spoke to S about this whole mess. She had told her mom about the meeting and her mom was horrified as everyone else has been. I guess her mom said something to the preacher before or after church sticking up for me and saying that he should not have said that to me. Apparently, they had a short conversation about it. The preacher got visibly upset and admitted he probably shouldn't have said all that to me. S's mom told him that she didn't think I was coming back and he acted surprised. I'm so surprised and touched that S's mom would, unasked, confront him like that. I really want to go right over there and hug her to pieces. I now know what prompted this apology..he wanted to feel better about himself. No matter, I'm done with it and moving on.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Letter
Dear Dr. Mucketymuck (Pastor Jackass' boss),
Currently, I am still a parish member at Uptight Church, however, I am seeking a new church home due to a meeting I had with pastor jackass. The meeting was concerning my pregnancy due to IVF. I want to be clear that I understand that this is a controversial topic, however, when I was asked to meet with Mr. Jackass I expected support and spiritual counseling. I didn’t anticipate being treated with harsh, unkind judgment.
Jackass told me I had committed a mortal sin and that I should repent and have humility so that I might better cling to the cross. There was nothing sympathetic or kind about the delivery of this diatribe. When I would answer one of his criticisms, he would veer off to criticize me about another. There was no comfort or support as he spoke, but in fact, he seemed to need comforting when he asked me not to see him as a “mean guy”.
He talked of the situation my child would be coming into. Keep in mind, Jackass has seldom exchanged more than a few words with me. He knows very little about my situation and didn’t bother to get to know more before expressing his disapproval. While he mentioned the Bible stories of Abraham and Adam and Eve, he at no time offered to share scripture. At the end of our meeting, I was curtly excused and told he would pray for us. I’ve never encountered a preacher who didn’t offer to pray with me.
Please understand that I do not want to cause any trouble for Jackass but cringe at the thought of someone else enduring a meeting like this. Some counseling in tact, compassion and forgiveness might be helpful to him and those he “counsels” in the future. Clearly I cannot stay at a church where there is potential for my child to be treated harshly by the spiritual “leader” as I have been.
Sincerely,
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ok...I have to admit there is a tiny part of me that wants to cause trouble for the jackass but mostly it just seems like someone in charge should know about the horrible way I was treated and that I will not be attending this church any longer and why. My dad says I should not send the email because it would ensure that they would continue to contact me and that it wouldn't make a difference for the preacher. My aunt says go ahead and send it, bring some closure and move on although she too thinks nothing would change for the preacher.
Hard to know what to do. I really do not want to cause a big kerfuffle or drag this wretched situation out any more than it already is. I was thinking of ccing the preacher himself and saying at the bottom something like, "Please do not contact me further as I am severing all ties with this church." I'm trying to figure out if there is some way this can come back and bite me in the butt. Opinions from the blogsphere?
Sure enough, my dad called me tonight to tell me he had the rent on some farm ground for me but the real reason he called was to say that he was furious and would kill anyone who treated his daughter this way. Well, not that dramatic but my dad's quiet version of it. He said he wasn't going back to that church either and that if jackass contacted him he would let them know what a miserable failure of a preacher he was. His voice actually had some emotion in it....like anger? Hard to identify because Dad never gets angry. Somehow it made me smile while choking me up at the same time.
Currently, I am still a parish member at Uptight Church, however, I am seeking a new church home due to a meeting I had with pastor jackass. The meeting was concerning my pregnancy due to IVF. I want to be clear that I understand that this is a controversial topic, however, when I was asked to meet with Mr. Jackass I expected support and spiritual counseling. I didn’t anticipate being treated with harsh, unkind judgment.
Jackass told me I had committed a mortal sin and that I should repent and have humility so that I might better cling to the cross. There was nothing sympathetic or kind about the delivery of this diatribe. When I would answer one of his criticisms, he would veer off to criticize me about another. There was no comfort or support as he spoke, but in fact, he seemed to need comforting when he asked me not to see him as a “mean guy”.
He talked of the situation my child would be coming into. Keep in mind, Jackass has seldom exchanged more than a few words with me. He knows very little about my situation and didn’t bother to get to know more before expressing his disapproval. While he mentioned the Bible stories of Abraham and Adam and Eve, he at no time offered to share scripture. At the end of our meeting, I was curtly excused and told he would pray for us. I’ve never encountered a preacher who didn’t offer to pray with me.
Please understand that I do not want to cause any trouble for Jackass but cringe at the thought of someone else enduring a meeting like this. Some counseling in tact, compassion and forgiveness might be helpful to him and those he “counsels” in the future. Clearly I cannot stay at a church where there is potential for my child to be treated harshly by the spiritual “leader” as I have been.
Sincerely,
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ok...I have to admit there is a tiny part of me that wants to cause trouble for the jackass but mostly it just seems like someone in charge should know about the horrible way I was treated and that I will not be attending this church any longer and why. My dad says I should not send the email because it would ensure that they would continue to contact me and that it wouldn't make a difference for the preacher. My aunt says go ahead and send it, bring some closure and move on although she too thinks nothing would change for the preacher.
Hard to know what to do. I really do not want to cause a big kerfuffle or drag this wretched situation out any more than it already is. I was thinking of ccing the preacher himself and saying at the bottom something like, "Please do not contact me further as I am severing all ties with this church." I'm trying to figure out if there is some way this can come back and bite me in the butt. Opinions from the blogsphere?
Sure enough, my dad called me tonight to tell me he had the rent on some farm ground for me but the real reason he called was to say that he was furious and would kill anyone who treated his daughter this way. Well, not that dramatic but my dad's quiet version of it. He said he wasn't going back to that church either and that if jackass contacted him he would let them know what a miserable failure of a preacher he was. His voice actually had some emotion in it....like anger? Hard to identify because Dad never gets angry. Somehow it made me smile while choking me up at the same time.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thank God For Email
From me to the preacher at my mom's childhood church:
Hi Pastor,
I'm searching for a new church home and am considering trying Immanuel. A little about myself. I am Lutheran but my mother grew up in your church and my great-grandfather was pastor there a long time ago. I've visited your church several times in the past.
The real issue:
I am a 39 year old single woman who is pregnant by IVF. I've recently had a horrible experience with my Lutheran pastor in which he stated that what I'd done was a mortal sin and that my soul was in danger. Also, that I should have more humility and repent so that I could better cling to the cross. There was no kindness or sympathy in his delivery. I explained to him that I didn't feel that I'd done anything wrong and that I'd never felt closer to God than while on my journey to become pregnant. I feel I have no choice but to find another church home.
I would like to know your church's views of IVF and single pregnancy before trying out your church in earnest.
Thank you for your time,
Paige
From Pastor Jackie to me:
Hi Paige – the United Methodist Social Principles are very vague on many controversial issues because the Father of Methodism, John Wesley had an understanding that finding the presence and creativity of the Holy Spirit in one’s life is much more important than any one issue. The church folks here at Immanuel UMC are fairly open to new ideas and I, as the serving Pastor encourage the spirit of open minds and open hearts. Personally, I feel that we are all in need of the grace of God, and as we admit that, we receive God’s abundant love and peace to live full and courageous lives to embrace new ideas. I have a hard time feeling that I have the right to judge anyone to damnation! I am trying to understand who your mother might be, and what your Great grandfather’s name was.
Try us out – you are certainly most welcome to join us in our faith journey to find God’s will for our lives each and everyday. We have early morning praise service at 9 am and traditional at 10 am. November 21st we have only one service at 10 am. This will be our Blessing Sunday in which we will recognize the ways God has blessed our journey!
Pastor Jackie
I haven't cried through out this whole ordeal. I've been angry and hurt and certainly gotten choked up about it especially when I talked out loud about it. When I got this kind email from the pastor though, I cried and cried.
From Pastor Jackie to me after I'd explained who my family is:
Oh yes, those names do sound familiar. Immanuel celebrated 150 years last year. And I remember hearing stories of D.C. Williams – Good Ones!!! Please feel invited to Immanuel anytime—all the time! Pastor Jackie
From my mother after I'd forwarded Pastor Jackie's first email:
Thank you for sending this to me. I've been very upset by this experience for you. I know you won't let this person's terrible words shake your faith. This is a wonderful & beautiful thing you are doing. How can he say such things about bringing new life into this world? I hope Pastor Jackie's words brought you some comfort. If you'd like to go to Immanuel, I'll go with you. It's funny that she should use the word "courageous", I've said that many times when talking about your journey. I hope you understand how very proud of you I am. Everything that person said is absolutely wrong, worse that wrong, dangerous. It will take some time for you to dispel the negativity this had caused, but for both your physical & mental well-being, I hope you can do it quickly. You must know how well loved you are by your family, friends and God, as is your child. Hope you feel better. Talk to you tomorrow.
God, Thank you for email. Amen
Hi Pastor,
I'm searching for a new church home and am considering trying Immanuel. A little about myself. I am Lutheran but my mother grew up in your church and my great-grandfather was pastor there a long time ago. I've visited your church several times in the past.
The real issue:
I am a 39 year old single woman who is pregnant by IVF. I've recently had a horrible experience with my Lutheran pastor in which he stated that what I'd done was a mortal sin and that my soul was in danger. Also, that I should have more humility and repent so that I could better cling to the cross. There was no kindness or sympathy in his delivery. I explained to him that I didn't feel that I'd done anything wrong and that I'd never felt closer to God than while on my journey to become pregnant. I feel I have no choice but to find another church home.
I would like to know your church's views of IVF and single pregnancy before trying out your church in earnest.
Thank you for your time,
Paige
From Pastor Jackie to me:
Hi Paige – the United Methodist Social Principles are very vague on many controversial issues because the Father of Methodism, John Wesley had an understanding that finding the presence and creativity of the Holy Spirit in one’s life is much more important than any one issue. The church folks here at Immanuel UMC are fairly open to new ideas and I, as the serving Pastor encourage the spirit of open minds and open hearts. Personally, I feel that we are all in need of the grace of God, and as we admit that, we receive God’s abundant love and peace to live full and courageous lives to embrace new ideas. I have a hard time feeling that I have the right to judge anyone to damnation! I am trying to understand who your mother might be, and what your Great grandfather’s name was.
Try us out – you are certainly most welcome to join us in our faith journey to find God’s will for our lives each and everyday. We have early morning praise service at 9 am and traditional at 10 am. November 21st we have only one service at 10 am. This will be our Blessing Sunday in which we will recognize the ways God has blessed our journey!
Pastor Jackie
I haven't cried through out this whole ordeal. I've been angry and hurt and certainly gotten choked up about it especially when I talked out loud about it. When I got this kind email from the pastor though, I cried and cried.
From Pastor Jackie to me after I'd explained who my family is:
Oh yes, those names do sound familiar. Immanuel celebrated 150 years last year. And I remember hearing stories of D.C. Williams – Good Ones!!! Please feel invited to Immanuel anytime—all the time! Pastor Jackie
From my mother after I'd forwarded Pastor Jackie's first email:
Thank you for sending this to me. I've been very upset by this experience for you. I know you won't let this person's terrible words shake your faith. This is a wonderful & beautiful thing you are doing. How can he say such things about bringing new life into this world? I hope Pastor Jackie's words brought you some comfort. If you'd like to go to Immanuel, I'll go with you. It's funny that she should use the word "courageous", I've said that many times when talking about your journey. I hope you understand how very proud of you I am. Everything that person said is absolutely wrong, worse that wrong, dangerous. It will take some time for you to dispel the negativity this had caused, but for both your physical & mental well-being, I hope you can do it quickly. You must know how well loved you are by your family, friends and God, as is your child. Hope you feel better. Talk to you tomorrow.
God, Thank you for email. Amen
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Joyful Sound
Wonderful check up at Dr. Hottie's with his physician's assistant. No weight gain and blood pressure was 118/80. Baby's was heart beating at 158. I will never in my life hear a more joyful sound.
I was supposed to have blood drawn for the quad genetic screening but they stuck me 6 times and couldn't get the blood to flow. Every nurse in the place came into the room to either try to stick me or "consult". The other doctor in the practice even popped in wondering what was going on. It was like a bad joke, "How many nurses does it take to get blood from a fat girl?" They could get a vein but it would only provide a few drops and then stop. I have to drink a lot of fluids and go back tomorrow.
Next appointment is December 2 and will include the ultrasound showing gender if we're lucky.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Only a residual icky feeling left from meeting with pastor jackass. A bad memory that will fade over time. I am sad, however, that I'm being forced to leave the church where I've worshiped my whole life, but I know it's long overdue. This church hasn't really met my spiritual needs for years.
I emailed back and forth with my aunt and her words were a great comfort to me especially being that she's one of the most religious people I know. I told my mom and she was horrified and didn't know where to start to support me. Every time she would say something, I would tell her something else the bastard had to say and her mouth would drop open. She assured me of what I already know, that what he said was not true and what a shame he couldn't celebrate our miracle with the rest of us. She reminded me of how she felt about the closed minded conservativeness in our area and that this sort of thing was why she'd stopped going to church many years ago.
I wasn't going to tell my brother, he's one of the least religious people I know and has not made God a priority in his family but he must have known something was off because he kept asking me what was going on. He was supportive in a humorous kind of way and said that I should drop a check in the collection plate and write on it, "If you cash this, you are the worst kind of hypocrite."
My sweet, quiet, stoic father didn't know what to say. It was like he couldn't believe it had happened. But in the end, in between stretches of silence, he did say he thought what the pastor had to say was bullshit and that he, my Dad, didn't believe that way at all. He said he was glad I'd had a few things to say back to him. He said if the preacher continued to try and communicate with me I should be sure and hand his crap back right back to him.
I think Dad was angry and shocked but as usual didn't or couldn't convey that to me. I told him I was not going back to that place and that if he did he should know they think his grandchild is a sin. He said he understood that I felt that way but that I should consider that the people attending the church didn't think that way, only the preacher. I think he's right on this matter. The members are good people who I've known my whole life and I'm sure they would also be shocked to find out this "leader's" opinion but it doesn't matter. I won't go back there.
Funny, I didn't think Dad had said much but reading back over this it seems he said a lot. I'm sure Dad and I will speak of this again. Dad will take time to ponder it all and will want to discuss it again. He does this, I think, trying to convey emotion that he doesn't know how else to express except through calm discussion. Disappointingly, I don't think anything will change for him except that I won't be attending church with him and therefore he won't go as often. We haven't been diligent about attending since my grandma passed away but I'm sad to lose this time with him.
Thank you blog sisters for being so wonderful. I read your comments over and over all evening and in the wee hours when I couldn't sleep. You helped me I work through the emotional fallout of this horrible incident. You were sad, angry, comforting, loving and strong on my behalf when I didn't know what to feel for myself. I love you all.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Today would have been my beloved Aunt Alys' 100th birthday. We would always go to the Veteran's Day parade and then drop by her house to celebrate her birthday. Even though it was a casual celebration she was always dressed to the nines with her best jewelry on, beautiful white hair done and the best china on the table, ready to greet us. I still miss her and think of her often.
I was supposed to have blood drawn for the quad genetic screening but they stuck me 6 times and couldn't get the blood to flow. Every nurse in the place came into the room to either try to stick me or "consult". The other doctor in the practice even popped in wondering what was going on. It was like a bad joke, "How many nurses does it take to get blood from a fat girl?" They could get a vein but it would only provide a few drops and then stop. I have to drink a lot of fluids and go back tomorrow.
Next appointment is December 2 and will include the ultrasound showing gender if we're lucky.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Only a residual icky feeling left from meeting with pastor jackass. A bad memory that will fade over time. I am sad, however, that I'm being forced to leave the church where I've worshiped my whole life, but I know it's long overdue. This church hasn't really met my spiritual needs for years.
I emailed back and forth with my aunt and her words were a great comfort to me especially being that she's one of the most religious people I know. I told my mom and she was horrified and didn't know where to start to support me. Every time she would say something, I would tell her something else the bastard had to say and her mouth would drop open. She assured me of what I already know, that what he said was not true and what a shame he couldn't celebrate our miracle with the rest of us. She reminded me of how she felt about the closed minded conservativeness in our area and that this sort of thing was why she'd stopped going to church many years ago.
I wasn't going to tell my brother, he's one of the least religious people I know and has not made God a priority in his family but he must have known something was off because he kept asking me what was going on. He was supportive in a humorous kind of way and said that I should drop a check in the collection plate and write on it, "If you cash this, you are the worst kind of hypocrite."
My sweet, quiet, stoic father didn't know what to say. It was like he couldn't believe it had happened. But in the end, in between stretches of silence, he did say he thought what the pastor had to say was bullshit and that he, my Dad, didn't believe that way at all. He said he was glad I'd had a few things to say back to him. He said if the preacher continued to try and communicate with me I should be sure and hand his crap back right back to him.
I think Dad was angry and shocked but as usual didn't or couldn't convey that to me. I told him I was not going back to that place and that if he did he should know they think his grandchild is a sin. He said he understood that I felt that way but that I should consider that the people attending the church didn't think that way, only the preacher. I think he's right on this matter. The members are good people who I've known my whole life and I'm sure they would also be shocked to find out this "leader's" opinion but it doesn't matter. I won't go back there.
Funny, I didn't think Dad had said much but reading back over this it seems he said a lot. I'm sure Dad and I will speak of this again. Dad will take time to ponder it all and will want to discuss it again. He does this, I think, trying to convey emotion that he doesn't know how else to express except through calm discussion. Disappointingly, I don't think anything will change for him except that I won't be attending church with him and therefore he won't go as often. We haven't been diligent about attending since my grandma passed away but I'm sad to lose this time with him.
Thank you blog sisters for being so wonderful. I read your comments over and over all evening and in the wee hours when I couldn't sleep. You helped me I work through the emotional fallout of this horrible incident. You were sad, angry, comforting, loving and strong on my behalf when I didn't know what to feel for myself. I love you all.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Today would have been my beloved Aunt Alys' 100th birthday. We would always go to the Veteran's Day parade and then drop by her house to celebrate her birthday. Even though it was a casual celebration she was always dressed to the nines with her best jewelry on, beautiful white hair done and the best china on the table, ready to greet us. I still miss her and think of her often.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Oh MY God
In case you were wondering the meeting with the preacher went terribly...I should have listened to you all and stayed away. He went on about how what I've done is a mortal sin and what about all the babies that die in the ivf process and how he was going to cry about it when I left. I almost laughed when he said that. He said that I was in spiritual danger and I should repent for my sin and that you can't cling to the cross if you're clinging to "being right" and I should have some humility. He said he wished I'd come to him for "counsel" before making this choice.
He said I'd chosen to bring a baby into a situation that no child would choose. What the fuck does he know about MY situation. He's been at our church 5 years but we've hardly exchanged more than a few words here and there. He's doesn't know the first damn thing about my situation and didn't make an effort to find out before slamming the judgement down. I told him he didn't know what my child would choose.
At the end he was silent for a very long time, like well over a minute. Then he said he'd email me some crap about what the church body has to say about it and I could read it if I wanted. He didn't even offer to pray with me.
I didn't cry although I'm struggling not to right now. I told him no amount of "counsel" would have changed my mind and that I didn't believe I had done anything wrong. While he thinks I'm in danger, I've never felt closer to God. I said I'd prayed alot on the journey and that I'd never experienced anything like it but that a force larger than myself was always with me propelling me forward. God was with me every step of the way. Also, that he was talking about choices already made and that I was sorry I'd met with him. That I didn't want to go there but my dad had said his job was to bring me closer to God but hearing what he had to say I was on the verge of looking for a new church home.
I feel like I could kill anyone who thinks my baby is a sin.
He said I'd chosen to bring a baby into a situation that no child would choose. What the fuck does he know about MY situation. He's been at our church 5 years but we've hardly exchanged more than a few words here and there. He's doesn't know the first damn thing about my situation and didn't make an effort to find out before slamming the judgement down. I told him he didn't know what my child would choose.
At the end he was silent for a very long time, like well over a minute. Then he said he'd email me some crap about what the church body has to say about it and I could read it if I wanted. He didn't even offer to pray with me.
I didn't cry although I'm struggling not to right now. I told him no amount of "counsel" would have changed my mind and that I didn't believe I had done anything wrong. While he thinks I'm in danger, I've never felt closer to God. I said I'd prayed alot on the journey and that I'd never experienced anything like it but that a force larger than myself was always with me propelling me forward. God was with me every step of the way. Also, that he was talking about choices already made and that I was sorry I'd met with him. That I didn't want to go there but my dad had said his job was to bring me closer to God but hearing what he had to say I was on the verge of looking for a new church home.
I feel like I could kill anyone who thinks my baby is a sin.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Rebels Who Eat Sausage
I had Dollface for the afternoon yesterday. She was in good spirits for the first part but then she fell asleep for about an hour and woke up snotty nosed and crying. Too much Halloween?
Dad also stopped by yesterday and I talked to him about the preacher situation. I feel immensely better about the whole thing. He reminded me that what we do know about this pastor is that he is down to earth and fits in well here in the country. He said that he was glad that the preacher wanted to talk to me because a preacher's job is to reach out to people during life changing events. That part of it was to make people feel good about their relationship with God, not to drive them away or make them feel bad. Also, that I could get up and walk out if I started to feel badly and that I for sure should look for a different church home if I am made to feel uncomfortable.
He also told me to remind the preacher that I was baptized in our Lutheran church by my maternal great-grandfather along side our own preacher at that time. My great-grandfather was a Methodist pastor. Apparently, this created a kerfuffle with the church. I guess the pastor had problems with allowing that in his church but my dad told him that Grandpa was going to baptise his girl either in our church along side the pastor or in our home without him. The pastor relented and allowed the dual baptism and I know it is a treasured memory of my mother's. He also told me to tell the pastor that I was the first baby allowed to go up to communion with my parents because I'd cry if someone else held me. I guess after this happened a few times, my grandma prodded my mom to just go ahead and take me up there. She didn't want to hear me cry. Guess Dad figures that with this history behind us, there's no way the preacher will have a problem with me being an unmarried woman using frozen sperm from across the country and a kind donor's eggs to get knocked up. Ha! Yep, we're rebels and rulebreakers....take that conservative country church!
One of the local small churches had their sausage supper today. I love this tradition! My grandparents would make the rounds to a different church each Sunday and knew which one had home-made potatoes, which had the best sausage. I just love the sense of community. The sweet old ladies who proudly bring in their pies and then fuss over the dessert table. The younger people who work hard waiting tables and plates for carry outs. The men who fry the sausage and help park cars. I taught at the Lutheran school of the church that had home-made potatoes and I remember in the days before the supper a big group women in the basement who sat in a circle peeling potatoes and just gossiping away. My church has gotten so small we no longer have a sausage supper but when I was a young I helped in the kitchen and when I was older I waited tables. It was back breaking work but so fun.
And it's a good bargain too! I got carry-outs and took them over to E's house. All this for eight bucks:
Dad also stopped by yesterday and I talked to him about the preacher situation. I feel immensely better about the whole thing. He reminded me that what we do know about this pastor is that he is down to earth and fits in well here in the country. He said that he was glad that the preacher wanted to talk to me because a preacher's job is to reach out to people during life changing events. That part of it was to make people feel good about their relationship with God, not to drive them away or make them feel bad. Also, that I could get up and walk out if I started to feel badly and that I for sure should look for a different church home if I am made to feel uncomfortable.
He also told me to remind the preacher that I was baptized in our Lutheran church by my maternal great-grandfather along side our own preacher at that time. My great-grandfather was a Methodist pastor. Apparently, this created a kerfuffle with the church. I guess the pastor had problems with allowing that in his church but my dad told him that Grandpa was going to baptise his girl either in our church along side the pastor or in our home without him. The pastor relented and allowed the dual baptism and I know it is a treasured memory of my mother's. He also told me to tell the pastor that I was the first baby allowed to go up to communion with my parents because I'd cry if someone else held me. I guess after this happened a few times, my grandma prodded my mom to just go ahead and take me up there. She didn't want to hear me cry. Guess Dad figures that with this history behind us, there's no way the preacher will have a problem with me being an unmarried woman using frozen sperm from across the country and a kind donor's eggs to get knocked up. Ha! Yep, we're rebels and rulebreakers....take that conservative country church!
One of the local small churches had their sausage supper today. I love this tradition! My grandparents would make the rounds to a different church each Sunday and knew which one had home-made potatoes, which had the best sausage. I just love the sense of community. The sweet old ladies who proudly bring in their pies and then fuss over the dessert table. The younger people who work hard waiting tables and plates for carry outs. The men who fry the sausage and help park cars. I taught at the Lutheran school of the church that had home-made potatoes and I remember in the days before the supper a big group women in the basement who sat in a circle peeling potatoes and just gossiping away. My church has gotten so small we no longer have a sausage supper but when I was a young I helped in the kitchen and when I was older I waited tables. It was back breaking work but so fun.
And it's a good bargain too! I got carry-outs and took them over to E's house. All this for eight bucks:
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Snot
I have this snotty girl in my class. Every time I look at Sarah she has some sort of snot on her face. Either running down her lip, smeared across her face or dried up and crusty around her nose. Today I had my hand on her shoulder and she turned her head. She slimed me. Thankfully, I was dropping them off at music class at the time and I could go straight to the restroom and scrub my arm. S'not one of the joys of teaching.
The preacher has called and left messages for me three times this week plus one email. I finally gave in and returned his call tonight. He asked if he'd "missed a wedding". I probably didn't handle it right but I just laughed and said I was having the baby on my own. Hello...I'm 39, most people figure it out. He said he wanted to meet with me to talk about what this new life would be like and what scripture has to say. I agreed to meet with him but I'm nervous. He probably just wants to pray with me and assure himself that I intend to let him baptize the baby. I'm not very close with this pastor and I'm not sure how much of our story to share with him. I'm afraid I'll get emotional trying to tell it. Tears can be misinterpreted. God had a big part in every part of my journey, even when I felt myself trying to turn away from Him. I need to find some strength and make sure he knows this was a well thought out choice and that I had a force much larger than myself propelling me every step of the way.
I would like for my child to experience our small country church. I'm not opposed to finding a new church home but I'm very shy and it's difficult for me to try new ones by myself. Also, I don't want to leave my dad to go to our quirky church all alone. I know he won't go as often if I don't go with him.
The preacher has called and left messages for me three times this week plus one email. I finally gave in and returned his call tonight. He asked if he'd "missed a wedding". I probably didn't handle it right but I just laughed and said I was having the baby on my own. Hello...I'm 39, most people figure it out. He said he wanted to meet with me to talk about what this new life would be like and what scripture has to say. I agreed to meet with him but I'm nervous. He probably just wants to pray with me and assure himself that I intend to let him baptize the baby. I'm not very close with this pastor and I'm not sure how much of our story to share with him. I'm afraid I'll get emotional trying to tell it. Tears can be misinterpreted. God had a big part in every part of my journey, even when I felt myself trying to turn away from Him. I need to find some strength and make sure he knows this was a well thought out choice and that I had a force much larger than myself propelling me every step of the way.
I would like for my child to experience our small country church. I'm not opposed to finding a new church home but I'm very shy and it's difficult for me to try new ones by myself. Also, I don't want to leave my dad to go to our quirky church all alone. I know he won't go as often if I don't go with him.
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