Sunday, March 20, 2011

Pastor Jackie's Church

I finally worked up the courage to walk into Pastor Jackie's church today. I was very anxious the whole drive there and didn't really know if I'd actually be able to make myself walk in but when I got there, I just told myself to act like I'd done it a hundred times even if I didn't feel brave on the inside. I'm glad I went and I stayed for the whole service. I'd deliberately sat in the back thinking I could make a quick get away if I needed to but an elderly lady sat in the narrow spot next to me forcing me to scoot over and hemming (hymning?) me in.

It was different from my very conservative former church but I liked it. Very casual and friendly. Pastor Jackie was fluttering around before the service talking to everyone and she greeted me by name. The people sitting in front of me were telling another couple how much they liked Pastor Jackie and how different she was and that the church wasn't "stiff" anymore. They had time during the service to "pass the peace" and I was uncomfortable with that being shy and not knowing anyone but several people spoke to me and everyone seemed nice.

Truthfully, I was choked up most of the time and couldn't bring myself to sing at all. I kept thinking that the last time I was at a church service it was with Pastor Jackass and that the last time I saw Pastor Jackie she was helping me to put my son in the ground.

The sermon was all about "tender places" and how a relationship of trust had to come prior and about church being a tender place. Sweet Pastor Jackie became quite passionate while preaching and raised her southern accented voice.

I'm still not sure what I believe really and talking to God is very difficult. Life does not feel like a tender place because I don't really trust God right now. I'm ashamed to admit that but it is true. I once considered myself a person of great faith. That person seems very far away now.

Greyson is with me all the time of course but when I saw this graphic in the bulletin I felt him especially close. It was with a song about walking with the Lord.
Tender Places

Picture of the Day:
I just love fluffy-haired ladies in their Sunday finery. Don't you?


  1. I'm proud of you for going even when it was hard. Those first steps can be horrendous. I love the graphic from the bulletin.

  2. Well, I love the first picture, and I personally think it's another sign for you. And yes, those little ladies in their Sunday best are too cute.
    I'm proud of you for getting up enough courage to walk into that church.
    Have a good Monday...maybe we'll make it to work tomorrow...

  3. That's a big step, going back to church. I'm glad you took it.

    I just want to hug those old ladies ;0)

  4. Wow, Paige. I'm glad you had the courage to go in and made it through the service. That must have been a big ol bag of mixed emotions. BTW- there is no need to feel ashamed that you're having a hard time trusting God. I think if we are honest with ourselves, all of us who have ever tried to trust him would admitt to that at some point(s) in our lives.
    Anyway, how special to see the baby footprints. I love that you whipped out your camera at church!

  5. Aww...I love both photographs and the stained glass is really pretty at the church. I'm proud of you for going to church, and you've inspired me to try to find a church in my city. I went to my home church at Christmas, but at this rate I will have lived for a year in a new place without attending a service. Thank you for posting and giving me food for thought.

  6. What a beautiful sign he sent you to tell you that he was there with you xoxo

  7. What a big step for you today...& so special that your felt especially close to Greyson while there.

  8. I have no reason not to trust God yet I don't go and worship so I want to commend you for stepping foot back in a church. You make me want to go, and yes I love the blue hair ladies!!! I want to hug them all. I bet they can all tell us a story or two about loss, sadly.

  9. Sounds like you have found a place that got your attention. I am very happy to hear this. Stick it out if it feels just a little bit right.

    I went to a new church a couple wks ago. No kneelers as it was "new style" Catholic church. She must have been 80 (no, really) but she looked it to me as she put her small little frame right on the floor on her knees. Wow.