Monday, August 30, 2010

Storm Clouds Lifting

My acupuncture angel says my pulse still reads "strong" and "pregnant". I felt immensely better when I left her. It felt like the storm clouds were beginning to blow away, leaving at least some light. She said my pulse really calmed down during the treatment. Even telling her about what happened was upsetting. Still counting the days and hours til Friday's ultrasound but barring any further scares, I'm anticipating a healthy and exciting peek into Uterus World. Please, please let it be a healthy peek.

Have I mentioned that I love my first grade class. At least once a day I hear the words "You're the best teacher!" I always answer, "that's because I have the best students!" I'd forgotten how they love you. You don't have to do anything or be anything special. They just come with open hearts and smiles and give you everything they have.

Remind me to reread this post when they are on my everlovin' nerves in the spring!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I Slept!

Something wonderful happened last night. I actually slept. A fabulous, deep, restful sleep! I woke up to pee at 3AM but went right back to sleep until 8. I haven't had a complete night like that in weeks and weeks. I actually woke up feeling like I'd recharged my batteries and was ready for the day.

I dreamt about telling my dentist that I couldn't have x-rays because I was pregnant. I even showed him the ultrasound pics and I could see them in great detail. Made me smile. In real life, my next dentist appointment is in December.

Taking it easy today. Doing school work and class work and hanging some pictures. Movies will be watched. Cookies might be baked.

Spot Watch: Tiny amount overnight.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Good and Bad

I had a lovely lunch with LP and JH outdoors at a local winery. These are two of my closest friends that I've taught with for years and we took our graduate courses together. I debated back and forth about telling them and in the end decided to let the baby out of the bag.

Such joy!! I still had these photos on my camera so I told them I wanted them to see some cute pics. I absolutely LOVED watching their faces as they put it all together. They were ecstatic for me. JH immediately had tears in her eyes and LP is already talking about showers and names. I will treasure this memory forever. My baby is going to have some pretty fantastic aunties.

It was liberating to be able to tell my story openly. I could not have asked for a more warm and sympathetic response to the whole tale including the good, bad and ugly.

At 7pm I discovered I was bleeding again. Only lightly so far.

So much for getting any sleep tonight. Why does every great joy seem to be paired with some great worry?

Friday, August 27, 2010

Crisis Over....Sort Of

Thank you so much, Blog Family, for the comments and prayers. You'll never know how much that helps me cope. I can really count on you guys. You don't walk but run to support me and I adore you for that.

The bleeding stopped almost the moment I settled down at home. Emotionally, it was a very frightening evening but I didn't bleed through the night at all. Not a drop although the toilet paper was still pink this morning. Extremely light spotting today, like if I wasn't looking for it I wouldn't have noticed it.

The nurse called early to check on me and then again after she'd talked to Dr. A. She told me to take it a little easy today but it was ok to be at work, just keep a close watch for any bleeding. She said that after hearing my symptoms and that the bleeding had suddenly stopped the doctor was sure it was cervical irritation. Old blood pooling in the bottom of the uterus looking for a way out. If it had been a weak ultrasound he might think differently but he was extremely confident in what he'd seen. A perfectly strong embryo positioned just right in a healthy uterus. He didn't think I needed another ultrasound today and I'm fine with that. I am to watch things over the weekend and they will see me early next week, if needed.

I'm calm and believe it was what they say it was. I believe the crisis has passed. There was so much blood though. I'll never forget the moment when I discovered it. I've never been so close to full on hysteria. I think I did gasp out loud and I remember really fighting to keep quiet and not scream out. Afraid that if I started screaming, I wouldn't be able to stop.

I'll be on eggshells until our next ultrasound on Friday. I've had plans for months to purchase a certain item from a posh boutique when I was for sure that I was pregnant. A fancy place I don't usually shop. I was going to make a special trip there tonight but I couldn't bring myself to. If the doctor is wrong, I don't want that item hanging around the house. I was going to tell two of my closest friends about my baby tomorrow. Now, I don't think I should just yet.

What a harrowing experience....the happiest few hours of my life followed by the most frightening. Will we ever feel safe?

Thursday, August 26, 2010


9:00 I had a wonderful ultrasound with Dr. A. He tells me everything is ideal and that the chances of a miscarriage at this point are very low.

6:10p.m. At my school's open house, I begin bleeding heavily and light cramping.

6:20 I talk to Dr. A's nurse who says that the ultrasound can cause irritation that causes bleeding and cramping like this. She says to get home, get off my feet and drink water. She also reiterates that this is not likely a miscarriage since my ultrasound this morning was so good. She will call me first thing in the morning.

6:55 I arrive home and while I'm cleaning myself up, I wipe away a huge clot.

Please pray for us.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Weekend Ramble

I told my dad I was pregnant. He was his usual stoic self. "That's great, I hope it turns out how you want it." Not sure what he meant by that. How I want it? Living and healthy, of course. I told him I was very happy and excited about it and I hoped he was too. He didn't comment on that but started asking questions about "my chances". We only had a limited time to talk so I wasn't able to ferret out what he was actually getting at. I'm wondering if he doesn't approve of how I've gone about this but doesn't want to discourage me by expressing that. Maybe he's trying to walk the line between supporting me without actually expressing approval. He's so difficult to figure out!

Dad went on medication for high blood pressure this week. He must bring it down within two weeks or his trucker's licence will be revoked. I'm praying they are able to bring it under control. Dad spends alot of time in that big truck and really enjoys it. They've just purchased a new trailer and harvest will begin in two weeks or so. It's the busiest time and it would be difficult on my brother and cousins as well as Dad, if he was unable to drive.

E and C began renovations on their new home. I know E is feeling terrible pressure. There is so much to do and harvest will be upon us soon. C is having trouble making decisions and sometimes changes her mind mid-conversation. They both seem overwhelmed. Obviously, I'm out of the running for helping with the hard labor. I tried to help out by taking the girls for a few hours each day. Yesterday, I had them over here for a while until Stretch went to her friend's house, then I took Dollface with me to do some errands and get lunch and supplies for the workers back at the house. Today I took them both to eat pizza and see a movie.

Stretch said she'd heard that I was thinking about adopting a child. I'm not sure where she got this because it's never been discussed although I was considering that a while back. I didn't know what to say. It's too soon to tell her because I'm sure she would have to tell a friend or two and our whole small town could know from there. I know she's picked up tidbits of conversation here and there. C makes no effort to edit her speech around the children. I responded by asking her what she thought about it. She said it would be great but that I should make sure I adopt a kid who's at least 7 because that's the youngest she would be able to play with. I just said that you never know, it could be a tiny baby and then changed the subject.

I'm still waking up at 3:30A.M. Grrrr I actually fell asleep at the movie. Something I've never done before. Dollface woke me up and admonished me to stay awake!

Driving up and down a very hilly road:
Dollface: Hehehe...that tickles my tummy and my pee pee!
Stretch: TMI, Dollface, TMI

Friday, August 20, 2010

Big End To A Big Week

E and C have closed on a lovely home. They have been looking for a long time and actually looked at this house early on but had trouble with negotiations. It is a modest, older home that needs a lot of handyman love but it's on a charming piece of land with a pond, creek and there is an ancient in ground pool as well. Stretch and Dollface are very excited about that. Coming from a family of very limited finances, I have to admit we are all excited.

It has been a very big week for our family! My mom has been driven fairly insane with anticipation, worry and big plans for both of us. She's been at E's house helping with landscaping and tells me she's designing a nursery in her head while she digs. She'll be all the way insane before the year is up. She's halfway there already!

Meanwhile, I haven't found the chance to tell my dad that I'm pregnant. (Me! I'M pregnant!) I didn't get any reaction at all to the last good news I told him which was about the 22 eggs retrieved. In fact, I think I got a shrug. I'm not avoiding telling him but I haven't seen him and don't want to tell it over the phone. I guess it just doesn't seem like a priority.

I'm having mild but weird cramps in the neighborhood of my right ovary. I've been so euphoric the past few days that I sort of forgot that there is still a distance to go until I reach my true destination and there is a lot that could go wrong on the journey. It has been so hot and humid at school the past two days. The children are so needy at this stage, I spend a lot of my time on my feet monitoring them. Did I over do it?

I'm sticking with the hypothesis that as long as there is no bleeding, everything is fine. You hang on in there, you hear me!

Still over the moon happy...and thank you all for supporting me. I hope my posts haven't been too much. I do feel as though I've run on a bit. These have literally been the happiest few days of my entire life. Thank you for being out there reading and applauding, Blog Family. It is so wonderful to be able to share my joy with you all when I can't share with too many people in real life yet.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A Glimpse Into My Day

Student: Ms. B, do you have kids at home?
Me: (with a great big grin) Not yet.
Student: I thought you did have kids because you said you liked cooking and moms always cook.


Upon arrival at the acupuncturist's after calling earlier to tell them I might be late or have to cancel.
Kristen's Husband: So you finally made it.
Me: (with a smile and a big sigh) Yes, I've finally made it.


Co-worker: First grade must really agree with you, you're all smiles this year.
Me: Yes, I'm loving first grade (inside my head: And I'm knocked up!!)

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

It's Sinking In

I think it's sinking in. I'm pregnant. It's only sinking in a little though. Inside my head it still looks like this: OMG! I'M PREGNANT!!

This morning on the way to work I burst into tears of joy for a few minutes thinking about the miracle of the life growing within me. Miracle? life within me? Hello? Was that me thinking that and crying over it. I've never pictured myself as the syrupy, emotional, mothery pregnant type but here I am. Temporarily, I think, but none the less, I'm completely in awe of what has happened to me.

My body is holding, protecting and nurturing life. MY body, MY baby. My baby has finally found me!

Yes, I just choked up as I wrote that.

What a happy change of pace....tears of JOY!

Feel free to laugh because now I'm laughing at myself and you'll be laughing with me.

I thought by now I would be past the extreme worry and I'm glad to say it has lessened a bit. The clinic is always so frustratingly vague. I asked if I could go off restricted activity, a little anyway. I was told in a serious voice that no I couldn't, it is still very early. I asked if she thought it was a "twinish" number (I don't think it is but I had to ask). She couldn't say for sure, she's seen high numbers end in singletons and low ones end in twins. And then they always dangle that next golden pregnancy prize out in front of you. We'll see what the ultrasound shows. I again fill in the blank "If they stay until the _________(1st beta, HPT, 2nd beta etc) then we'll be safe." And again I'm on the merry-go-round hoping they stay and are healthy, worried they won't.

I love you so much, Embies! You amazing little things. Please stay so I can give you your prenatal name.

Ultrasound next Thursday!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Tail Waggin' Beta


If I were a dog, my tail would be waggin'!!!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Still Waiting for Beta #2

So I had to go to the lab later in the day because it was the first day of school with kids and I wanted to be there to lay down some rules and routines. The clinic called 30 minutes after I left the lab and asked where my lab was because they didn't have my results yet. When I told her I'd just left the lab, she said they probably wouldn't get my results until tomorrow. I wish I'd flown out of school at lunch even if it meant being late for the afternoon. Now fighting the urge to drive 20 minutes back into town to get another HPT.

So I guess I'll blog about the first day of school, in the interest of keeping my mind off delayed test results...haha like that could happen. Anyway, we had a great first day! I'm very excited about this year, more excited than I've been about school in a long time. For the first time ever, I felt ready to walk in and teach this morning. Usually I'm running around like a mad woman trying to prepare those last minute details. 16 out of the 19 on my list showed up and they all seem like sweet, funny, smart kids. Most of them brought a lot of school supplies, which is good because in our area people don't always provide supplies. One mom said that the list at the store said they needed 7 boxes of crayons. Thinking it's a typo but we'll have supplies to replenish with in a few months. I can't wait to see what growth these children show me this year.

Now should I go get that HPT?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Marvellous Things for Which I'm Grateful

Something from church this morning:

O sing unto the LORD a new song; for he hath done marvellous things. Psalm 98:1
I'm usually very private about my Faith but I don't mind telling you that I've never prayed so much or so hard in my entire life. Both in request and in thanksgiving. It is a constant refrain in my head and heart.

Something else from church:

1 And a great sign appeared in heaven: A woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars. 2 And being with child, she cried travailing in birth: and was in pain to be delivered. Revelation 12: 1-2

I realize Revelations might not be appropriate here and I've taken it out of context but I thought it was a beautiful image.

2:30 A.M.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Beautiful Beta


I think this is a good number. I know it really means nothing until the second beta results but I'm a little excited. Carefully, guardedly excited. They stayed or one of them stayed. I can breathe a little and the weekend doesn't seem so long. My mom cried when I told her, even though I explained that we can't be too excited.

We had a very good technology training today and were allowed to play around with netbooks for a portion of it. Thank God because I was able to check my email and got the results midmorning.

There is a kindergarten teacher who I work with, she's an older, black lady who always says what she wants and sometimes says what she thinks when she doesn't really know what's going on. Anyway, she looked at me today and made a joke. There's a running joke about pregnancy in our building. Every year there is one or two pregnant teachers, one year there was 7. This teacher came up to me, really looked at my face and said she'd heard there were pregnancies again in the building and was I pregnant. She was looking carefully at my face while she said that. I sort of giggled and asked why she would ask me that. hehehe

Dear Embies,
I'm so sorry I ever doubted you were there.
I love you more than ever.
Please keep staying.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

My 15th First Day

My fifteenth first day of school. It was good as far as first days go. In the morning we had a Frank Covey representative present to us (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People). No silly games, no role playing as children, no decorating a golf cart and having a parade (yes, we really had to do this one year on the first day). Just a straight, simple presentation. Not sure I agree with everything the presenter said though. It was about how to stay positive and make changes in your life. Sorry, Bud, there's no change I can make that will give me a baby. I still have a bit of possibility for this cycle and two frozen embryos but after that...I'll have done all I can do. No amount of good attitude or work or ambition can change that.

In the afternoon we met with our principal and building staff. I think it's going to be a good year, for school, anyway. The new principal seems to be level headed and very easy to work with. A lot of the restrictions we've had the past few years seem to be going away and a more traditional, common sense approach returning to our school. I'm looking forward to first grade.

Still nothing on Symptom Watch 2010. I had my blood drawn tonight and asked the clinic to email my first beta result. At least I'll have some sort of number to look at and obsess over.

Just Couldn't Wait

3:30AM here in the midwest I just couldn't wait.

The pee stick says "negative".

I know it's too early.

I'm fine.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Should I?

A good day for me mentally but only because I've accepted that I'm probably not pregnant. Not being negative here, just realistic. I know, it's early, too early for symptoms, etc but this is what my intuition is telling me. Perhaps I'm just protecting myself. Don't know.

Today, I'm 5dp5dt. I think that's it. My 5 day transfer was 5 days ago. If they're still in there, they are 10 days old.

I never thought I'd be the type to be desperate to pee on a stick, but here I am, POAS desperation personified. I have two tests in the house from a previous cycle.
So, should I?

My first beta will be Friday, second beta Monday. Monday seems so far away. My clinic has a policy that they do not tell you your first beta results because they say you can't really tell for sure until you can compare both test results. They will give you the results of the first test, if you request them. I never thought I'd be the type to rebel against a clinic's policy.
So should I?

The thought of going into another weekend not feeling anything, not knowing anything at all, wondering....I'm not sure I could bear it.

I want my babies so badly.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Thoughts Calmer

The pinwheel is slowing down a bit but certainly still spinning. I've gone to school yesterday and today to start preparing my classroom and even though I'm terrified the stress working in the hot classroom has made my embies leave, it has helped to be busy. I went to acupuncture today and there was a hugely pregnant woman in the waiting room. I'm trying to look at it as a good omen. The acupuncture helped calm my mind tremendously. I wish I could go every day.

My acupuncture angel said that my mantra right now should be: possibility. I'm trying hard to remember that even the chance at a pregnancy is a special thing. This is the first time in months I've had that. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind....possibility.

Somehow I've gotten my daydreams back. Every time I have a negative thought I try to squash it with one of my baby dreams. Try being the operative word. This thought exchange happens..oh..about a zillion times an hour.

Four days past transfer and still nothing on the symptom watch. Unless you count a huge craving for copious amounts of red wine as a symptom.

6 days until test results.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

In His Hands

I have had the worst day of crazy worried thoughts ever. Nothing would stop the pinwheel. I've been close to tears several times. It just seems like I should be feeling something by now. Anything.

I did stumble upon a TV preacher while I was channel surfing. He was talking about God's plan and how if He has a destination for me. He already knows the path and WILL get me there. Those thoughts did help for a short time. We're in God's hands...I really do believe this. I just wish He would throw down an implantation cramp or something.

I went shopping for school supplies this afternoon and getting out of the house helped. I stopped by Mom's on the way home and talked to her a little about it. She has no idea of my lunacy of course but she said that she didn't feel anything much the whole first trimester. Of course she was a young, busy farmwife at the time. It helped to talk to her but I still feel frazzled and worried that they didn't stay.

I'm going to school tomorrow to work in my classroom. I'm really looking forward to getting part of my mind on something else even though I'm terrified to work and be active in the heat.

7 days until I know if my embies stayed.

Please, God, please, please, please, please.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Pinwheel Thoughts

May I just say that this waiting and wondering is for the effing birds!!!

My mind is a constant spinning pinwheel of good, hopeful thoughts and negative ones.

Thank goodness a good friend reminded me that thoughts aren't going to change what happens in my pregnancy....

MY pregnancy....I'm pregnant!

Sort of

Friday, August 6, 2010


Thanks for all the well wishes, everyone. I'm so glad I'm not alone on this journey.

Out of the 18 that survived, I ended up with 4 healthy embryos. Not really understanding why the number went down so dramatically but it is what it is and I'm grateful for the 4.

I had two beautiful A1 blasts transferred today. I'm really PUPO! Finally!!

The drive over there was a nightmare. I fought my way through construction on the Illinois side only to encounter miles of gridlocked traffic on the bridge due to an overturned and burning 18 wheeler. After I passed the accident, I drove like a bat out of hell and was about 20 minutes late. Today, of all days....

The procedure went smoothly, without incident. I asked Dr. A what he thought my chances were today, he said 60+percent. He told me 75 percent months ago when I started this process. Before I could ask him why it had gone down the embryologist came in and things got very quiet, almost tense.

After 30 minutes of "rest" in a room with a TV and bright lights, I was sent home to an afternoon of bed rest. Thankfully the drive home was smooth. I keep trying hard to "feel" implantation cramps or a fullness in my uterus but so far...nada. I feel many good, positive feelings of hope but this is going to be the toughest wait of all.

Dear Embies,
I love you very much.
Please stay.

Dear Blog Family,
Please pray for us.


We have an appointment!!!


I was on my bike when I got the call, not too far from home but the ride home was like the scene from The Graduate where Dustin Hoffman is running and running toward the church but never seems to get any closer.

I keep flashing on that nursery rhyme:
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.

Clearly I'm not thinking straight! So excited!
Off now to do the gynoscrub shower.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! 24 hours from now I'll be PUPO!!

Whew! Got that out of my system.

Best acupuncture session ever! I swear I could feel my uterus plumping up and relaxing. She also sent me home with some crazy seeds taped to my ear! She said it wasn't about the seed but pressure on these points would encourage a relaxed uterus for a few days.


I'm a FIRST GRADE teacher. I went to school today and it was so freaking hot in that building! I sweat through my shirt all over! But I was able to talk to the new principal. She's actually the principal of the other grade school in our district but will be overseeing two schools with the help of an assistant. She said that she couldn't figure out what why some of the staff had been moved around and it would be better if we were in grade levels where we were more comfortable. Whew!

She expressed some disdain for what had been done in our school in past years and said she couldn't figure out what all the changes were about. Looks like we will be going toward more of a traditional way of doing things. Personally, I think this is a step back for our school but most of the other teachers think it's a good thing. The new principal seems very much like a straight shooter and it will be a relief to not have to read between the lines all the time. We'll see. This will be the fourth principal I've worked under at this school and we always love them at first.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


18 have survived!!!

They will call me Friday and tell me what time to show up for the transfer!

I'm still in awe that the time is finally here.
Still amazed at my strong little guys.
I can't wait to be a mother!!!

My Aunt L took me to lunch today. She kept saying how great I looked. Haha....I wanted to ask her if I was glowing! So hard not to say anything when I'm so amped up.

I have to go to my unairconditioned school and start setting up my classroom tomorrow. Problem is I don't know which classroom will be mine. There was a third grade teacher who was moved to first who would rather stay in third. We've been talking and since our principal has left wondered if we could switch since we didn't see the rationale in putting us at those grade levels where we don't want to be. I've been in contact with the superintendent and the new principal and they seem to think it would be alright but the principal would like to talk to me "at length" about it. I think she really just wants to pump me for info on what went on before she was the principal. I feel like my time is limited because I don't want to be doing much heavy work in the heat next week. School starts on August 12.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A Waiting Birthday

Hmm what to say about this, my 39th birthday? Pretty quiet. I gave myself a big splurge yesterday after acupuncture. I went to the Galleria and bought all new make up and a few things from Lane Bryant. I also got some to go cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory to share with my family today.

My mom wanted to take me to lunch today but I've been playing around with a bit of a stomach bug since we got back from Branson. Either that or it's the medication. Everyone came over tonight to share the cheesecake. Mom gave me some sweet little baby quilts we used as babies made by my Aunt Coco and my mom's grandma. She wrote a beautiful note in the card about the quilts being good luck talismans for me and this cycle. I would have cried if I had been alone.

My donor gave me the best gift of all, of course. Sometimes I can't believe it's been so successful so far. 22 eggs and they all fertilized. Strong, healthy little guys. I feel so blessed and lucky and full of buoyant hope.

Waiting with butterflies constantly in my stomach and heart for tomorrow's embryo report. Constantly thinking about my little embryos warm and toasty, growing for me. For me. My babies. My family. Please survive and thrive, little cells. I believe in you, I believe in all you can become.

Monday, August 2, 2010


22 eggs retrieved
22 eggs fertilized!!

Thank you from all of my heart to my beautiful, lovely donor. I could not have asked for better results. You did your part, now time for me to do mine.

I'm so very happy and excited right now!

Grow, embies, grow....stay warm and grow, I'm coming!

Sunday, August 1, 2010


I've had a nerve wracking day of waiting to hear from the clinic. Phone didn't ring no matter how hard I stared at it. grrr I really thought they would take the eggs today. I now begin to see how difficult this week is going to be. I can't think of anything else. I'm so so close. Surely tomorrow.

Great lunch with B. today. Helped distract me for a short time anyway.