Showing posts with label donor egg cycle #2. Show all posts
Showing posts with label donor egg cycle #2. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Last Shot

I just slammed myself with the last injection on the calendar. So no more of these:
And also no more of these:



We're really out here on our own. No more yucky, yet comforting medication support. No calendar to reasure myself that I did the right thing. Just us.

I'm so happy and grateful to get to this point...but a little anxious too.

Come on, Body. Don't fail us now.

Thankfully no more of these either:

Friday, August 13, 2010

Beautiful Beta

20

I think this is a good number. I know it really means nothing until the second beta results but I'm a little excited. Carefully, guardedly excited. They stayed or one of them stayed. I can breathe a little and the weekend doesn't seem so long. My mom cried when I told her, even though I explained that we can't be too excited.

We had a very good technology training today and were allowed to play around with netbooks for a portion of it. Thank God because I was able to check my email and got the results midmorning.

There is a kindergarten teacher who I work with, she's an older, black lady who always says what she wants and sometimes says what she thinks when she doesn't really know what's going on. Anyway, she looked at me today and made a joke. There's a running joke about pregnancy in our building. Every year there is one or two pregnant teachers, one year there was 7. This teacher came up to me, really looked at my face and said she'd heard there were pregnancies again in the building and was I pregnant. She was looking carefully at my face while she said that. I sort of giggled and asked why she would ask me that. hehehe

Dear Embies,
I'm so sorry I ever doubted you were there.
I love you more than ever.
Please keep staying.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

My 15th First Day

My fifteenth first day of school. It was good as far as first days go. In the morning we had a Frank Covey representative present to us (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People). No silly games, no role playing as children, no decorating a golf cart and having a parade (yes, we really had to do this one year on the first day). Just a straight, simple presentation. Not sure I agree with everything the presenter said though. It was about how to stay positive and make changes in your life. Sorry, Bud, there's no change I can make that will give me a baby. I still have a bit of possibility for this cycle and two frozen embryos but after that...I'll have done all I can do. No amount of good attitude or work or ambition can change that.

In the afternoon we met with our principal and building staff. I think it's going to be a good year, for school, anyway. The new principal seems to be level headed and very easy to work with. A lot of the restrictions we've had the past few years seem to be going away and a more traditional, common sense approach returning to our school. I'm looking forward to first grade.

Still nothing on Symptom Watch 2010. I had my blood drawn tonight and asked the clinic to email my first beta result. At least I'll have some sort of number to look at and obsess over.

Just Couldn't Wait

3:30AM here in the midwest I just couldn't wait.

The pee stick says "negative".

I know it's too early.

I'm fine.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Should I?

A good day for me mentally but only because I've accepted that I'm probably not pregnant. Not being negative here, just realistic. I know, it's early, too early for symptoms, etc but this is what my intuition is telling me. Perhaps I'm just protecting myself. Don't know.

Today, I'm 5dp5dt. I think that's it. My 5 day transfer was 5 days ago. If they're still in there, they are 10 days old.

I never thought I'd be the type to be desperate to pee on a stick, but here I am, POAS desperation personified. I have two tests in the house from a previous cycle.
So, should I?

My first beta will be Friday, second beta Monday. Monday seems so far away. My clinic has a policy that they do not tell you your first beta results because they say you can't really tell for sure until you can compare both test results. They will give you the results of the first test, if you request them. I never thought I'd be the type to rebel against a clinic's policy.
So should I?

The thought of going into another weekend not feeling anything, not knowing anything at all, wondering....I'm not sure I could bear it.

I want my babies so badly.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Thoughts Calmer

The pinwheel is slowing down a bit but certainly still spinning. I've gone to school yesterday and today to start preparing my classroom and even though I'm terrified the stress working in the hot classroom has made my embies leave, it has helped to be busy. I went to acupuncture today and there was a hugely pregnant woman in the waiting room. I'm trying to look at it as a good omen. The acupuncture helped calm my mind tremendously. I wish I could go every day.

My acupuncture angel said that my mantra right now should be: possibility. I'm trying hard to remember that even the chance at a pregnancy is a special thing. This is the first time in months I've had that. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind....possibility.

Somehow I've gotten my daydreams back. Every time I have a negative thought I try to squash it with one of my baby dreams. Try being the operative word. This thought exchange happens..oh..about a zillion times an hour.

Four days past transfer and still nothing on the symptom watch. Unless you count a huge craving for copious amounts of red wine as a symptom.

6 days until test results.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Pinwheel Thoughts

May I just say that this waiting and wondering is for the effing birds!!!

My mind is a constant spinning pinwheel of good, hopeful thoughts and negative ones.

Thank goodness a good friend reminded me that thoughts aren't going to change what happens in my pregnancy....


MY pregnancy....I'm pregnant!

Sort of

Friday, August 6, 2010

I'm PUPO!

Thanks for all the well wishes, everyone. I'm so glad I'm not alone on this journey.

Out of the 18 that survived, I ended up with 4 healthy embryos. Not really understanding why the number went down so dramatically but it is what it is and I'm grateful for the 4.

I had two beautiful A1 blasts transferred today. I'm really PUPO! Finally!!

The drive over there was a nightmare. I fought my way through construction on the Illinois side only to encounter miles of gridlocked traffic on the bridge due to an overturned and burning 18 wheeler. After I passed the accident, I drove like a bat out of hell and was about 20 minutes late. Today, of all days....

The procedure went smoothly, without incident. I asked Dr. A what he thought my chances were today, he said 60+percent. He told me 75 percent months ago when I started this process. Before I could ask him why it had gone down the embryologist came in and things got very quiet, almost tense.

After 30 minutes of "rest" in a room with a TV and bright lights, I was sent home to an afternoon of bed rest. Thankfully the drive home was smooth. I keep trying hard to "feel" implantation cramps or a fullness in my uterus but so far...nada. I feel many good, positive feelings of hope but this is going to be the toughest wait of all.

Dear Embies,
I love you very much.
Please stay.

Dear Blog Family,
Please pray for us.

Time!

We have an appointment!!!

11:15

I was on my bike when I got the call, not too far from home but the ride home was like the scene from The Graduate where Dustin Hoffman is running and running toward the church but never seems to get any closer.

I keep flashing on that nursery rhyme:
There was an old lady who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children she didn't know what to do.

Clearly I'm not thinking straight! So excited!
Off now to do the gynoscrub shower.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Tomorrow! 24 hours from now I'll be PUPO!!

Whew! Got that out of my system.

Best acupuncture session ever! I swear I could feel my uterus plumping up and relaxing. She also sent me home with some crazy seeds taped to my ear! She said it wasn't about the seed but pressure on these points would encourage a relaxed uterus for a few days.

And....

I'm a FIRST GRADE teacher. I went to school today and it was so freaking hot in that building! I sweat through my shirt all over! But I was able to talk to the new principal. She's actually the principal of the other grade school in our district but will be overseeing two schools with the help of an assistant. She said that she couldn't figure out what why some of the staff had been moved around and it would be better if we were in grade levels where we were more comfortable. Whew!

She expressed some disdain for what had been done in our school in past years and said she couldn't figure out what all the changes were about. Looks like we will be going toward more of a traditional way of doing things. Personally, I think this is a step back for our school but most of the other teachers think it's a good thing. The new principal seems very much like a straight shooter and it will be a relief to not have to read between the lines all the time. We'll see. This will be the fourth principal I've worked under at this school and we always love them at first.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Embryos!

18 have survived!!!

They will call me Friday and tell me what time to show up for the transfer!

I'm still in awe that the time is finally here.
Still amazed at my strong little guys.
I can't wait to be a mother!!!

My Aunt L took me to lunch today. She kept saying how great I looked. Haha....I wanted to ask her if I was glowing! So hard not to say anything when I'm so amped up.

I have to go to my unairconditioned school and start setting up my classroom tomorrow. Problem is I don't know which classroom will be mine. There was a third grade teacher who was moved to first who would rather stay in third. We've been talking and since our principal has left wondered if we could switch since we didn't see the rationale in putting us at those grade levels where we don't want to be. I've been in contact with the superintendent and the new principal and they seem to think it would be alright but the principal would like to talk to me "at length" about it. I think she really just wants to pump me for info on what went on before she was the principal. I feel like my time is limited because I don't want to be doing much heavy work in the heat next week. School starts on August 12.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A Waiting Birthday

Hmm what to say about this, my 39th birthday? Pretty quiet. I gave myself a big splurge yesterday after acupuncture. I went to the Galleria and bought all new make up and a few things from Lane Bryant. I also got some to go cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory to share with my family today.

My mom wanted to take me to lunch today but I've been playing around with a bit of a stomach bug since we got back from Branson. Either that or it's the medication. Everyone came over tonight to share the cheesecake. Mom gave me some sweet little baby quilts we used as babies made by my Aunt Coco and my mom's grandma. She wrote a beautiful note in the card about the quilts being good luck talismans for me and this cycle. I would have cried if I had been alone.

My donor gave me the best gift of all, of course. Sometimes I can't believe it's been so successful so far. 22 eggs and they all fertilized. Strong, healthy little guys. I feel so blessed and lucky and full of buoyant hope.

Waiting with butterflies constantly in my stomach and heart for tomorrow's embryo report. Constantly thinking about my little embryos warm and toasty, growing for me. For me. My babies. My family. Please survive and thrive, little cells. I believe in you, I believe in all you can become.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Eggs!

22 eggs retrieved
and
22 eggs fertilized!!

Thank you from all of my heart to my beautiful, lovely donor. I could not have asked for better results. You did your part, now time for me to do mine.

I'm so very happy and excited right now!

Grow, embies, grow....stay warm and grow, I'm coming!













Sunday, August 1, 2010

Waiting

I've had a nerve wracking day of waiting to hear from the clinic. Phone didn't ring no matter how hard I stared at it. grrr I really thought they would take the eggs today. I now begin to see how difficult this week is going to be. I can't think of anything else. I'm so so close. Surely tomorrow.

Great lunch with B. today. Helped distract me for a short time anyway.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Home From Branson

Just home from Branson and there's so much to tell. First and most importantly, Mary at the clinic called with reports on my donor each day. Things are looking good. The follicles are progressing nicely and it looks like they'll probably take the eggs tomorrow. My transfer could be Thursday or Friday of next week.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Wow! I just burst into tears for a few minutes. Glad to be home, happy about my donor, completely overwhelmed at the fact that it's finally, finally here, wondering how I'll wait for another week for MY part. I'm exhausted from vacation. I got good reports on my donor and was so very delighted! But since the girls were there, I couldn't really talk about it except for a couple sentences here and there to my mom who was as busy and distracted as I was. Although I was constantly thinking about it, I couldn't really think about it. Weird dual thoughts going on in my brain at all times.

Vacation Paige: Oh, look at those cool tshirts.
Mom-to-Be Paige: Why hasn't Mary called?
Vacation Paige: Wonder if they have plus sizes?
Mom-to-Be Paige: Is my phone on? Did I hear it ring?
Vacation Paige: Where's DollFace? Oh, there looking at key chains.
Mom-to-Be Paige: Surely I'll get another good donor report today.

Being on vacation put a whole other spin on things. Yesterday, while we were searching downtown Branson for a certain quilt shop Mom wanted to visit, Mary called with instructions on my medication for the coming week. So we're lurching around in the car, the girls are talking and being silly, I can't find a pen, the only paper I have is an old receipt. It was wild. I'm sitting here looking at this sad little scrap of paper which holds vital information about my future. I've got an email in to Mary to double check things before I start slamming these extra shots into myself.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Branson was great! Ok, I really think it's a giant tourist trap but it was so good to spend this kind of time with my parents and the girls. The first night there we went to the Dixie Stampede. Wonderful! They have stalls around the outside of the building so you can look at the horses before the show. After we looked at all of them, Dollface asked if it was over, were we going home now. The pre-show was a funny Japanese comedian and juggler. Great sophisticated comedy and very clever juggling tricks. He ended by balancing a golf club horizontally on his chin, a golf ball on top of that and another club vertically on that. Amazing!

The show itself was very good. Musical reenactment of the Civil War and wild west through history, cowboys, Native Americans, the gold rush and so on. Cute things in between like little pigs racing and miniature horses racing with little dolls on their backs. The food was ok, we ate with our fingers because it was the wild west. What was amazing to me was to see how the servers served this great amount of food up and down the rows almost with military precision, even to the point of pushing the glasses back so nothing would spill during this flag passing thing we did toward the end.

The first night there Dad, who hates water, says he'll take the girls for a quick dip before the Dixie Stampede. He busted out of the bathroom in his Air Force swim trunks. My dad was in the National Guard 40 years ago, in the 70's. I just had to ask him if those were, indeed, the Air Force swim trunks I remembered from my childhood vacations. He said, yes and there was no need to spend good money on something you only use once a year and there was nothing wrong with them! We all actually had a good laugh about it.

At one point, on the first day there, I noticed a rank odor in the car when we were all together. At first, I thought I would need to have a little talk with Stretch about using deodorant and wondered why her mom didn't have her using it already. I finally figured out that it was her shoes. The longer we were at Branson, the worse this stench got. I mean I could smell it even if Stretch was 6 feet away and it stayed in my nose even if she wasn't around. It was like the Seinfeld episode when the stink took over the car. Poor Stretch took some good natured ribbing but wouldn't let Mom buy her some new shoes, sighting problems with each pair that was suggested. Finally the stanky shoes got relegated to the trunk if we were in the car or the balcony of the hotel.

Thursday we went to Silver Dollar City. The girls had fun. The place is really spread out and it was a lot of hot walking and standing in line and you couldn't walk 50 feet without encountering some sort of junk they were selling. Like I said, the girls had fun. Dad had been promising Stretch for weeks that he would go on roller coasters with her. He went on the smallest one with her and Dollface and then said he wasn't going to wait around for anymore rides but was going to walk around and look at things on his own. It was kind of strange. He spent most of the day away from us, walking around or sitting and watching the people. At lunch time I asked him to take DollFace on some smaller rides so that I could take Stretch on the bigger coasters. He said he didn't want to walk that far but would meet us at the enterance of the park. So it was up to Mom and me to take the girls on rides and everything else. Mom got on one ride that simulates a river raft and she was done. Didn't want to ride any more rides and had a bit of a hard time with all the walking but did keep up. Truthfully, I think she was miserable most of the day.

So, I thought I should try to go on some of the bigger coasters with Stretch even though I hate those things and haven't been on one in years. I was annoyed at Dad for abandoning us and bailing on Stretch. I really wanted her to have fun. Well, we get to the coaster and thank goodness now they have a model of the seats at the start of the lines. Of course, I was too damn fat to fit, but Stretch wanted to go anyway. It was a really huge coaster that goes upside down and drops 110 feet. I was really proud of her for going by herself. I think it scared her. She didn't want to go on anymore after that.

Later on Dad told me that the little roller coaster had made him physically sick. I think he was a little embarrassed. Not sure if that's why he took off like that for most of the day. It was really unusual for him to do something like that.

Friday we had 10:30am tickets to the Shoji Tabuchi Show. Dad had gotten a recommendation for this show and had been talking and talking about going. Kind of unusual to have tickets in the morning like that but when we arrived in Branson, I learned that Mom had only booked the hotel, nothing else, so I had to call around and got us into this one. At first, I thought it was kind of weird and cheesy. These dancers came out and the only way I can describe them is wholesome...knee length costumes, big, big smiles. They started singing Proud Mary and dancing in such a clean cut way then they sang Don't Stand Too Close To Me. It was just a weird contrast with the wholesomeness paired with the sexy music. I wondered what we had gotten into. It got much better though after Shoji came out with his violin. Each section had a theme like Broadway, Jukebox music, Orange Blossom Special, Japanese drums, Hawaiian Music/dancing and some regular violin music. Every time I looked at my parents, they both had big grins and I was very glad that we had come.

What was cool was that this Shoji had heard some bluegrass music when he was young in Japan and came to America with $500 and the dream to play bluegrass. What America is truly about, right? He explained each segment in his cute accent and was funny. The last segment was patriotic music dedicated to American veterans. As we left the theater, Dad said something about that kind of music was hard on him. I looked over and he had tears in his eyes. The only other time I've seen my dad cry was at my brother's wedding.

The rest of that day we went to the old town part of Branson and shopped in some flea markets and a cute, old fashioned 5 and dime. Then, Mom took the girls miniature golfing, thank goodness because they had been asking about that for days. Dad took me on a winery tour.

I have to say the girls were extremely well behaved. I wondered if we would have bickering or if Dollface would be over tired and whiny or throw tantrums or if Stretch would cop an attitude. They were both delightful and we had a lot of fun together. My parents wanted the girls to have good memories of a vacation with their grandparents. They will have great memories of Branson with their Maw Maw and Paw Paw.

Today we drove home and now I sit here in the sweet quiet and wonder about the next few days and weeks. Embryo transfer. On the brain and in the heart always. But also, school starting, who our principal will be, how hot it will be in our unairconditioned school. Will my babies be able to take that? And the stress?

I'm so happy to be home!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My Ultrasound

My lining is 10mm, triple stripe! Not sure exactly what that means but it seems to be very good!

Dr. A said he was excited! Before he could say anything else...I said that I was excited too! And then dork that I am, I may have giggled like a little girl and then slapped my hand over my mouth to stop myself.

I didn't realize it but I have been holding my breath for 3 months. On the drive home, I began to breath again and then I felt it. The return of excitement and true hope. The thought that this really could happen. This really will happen. Hold on baby...I'm almost there.

Dollface has gone home and even in my few hours of solitude I miss her. I won't be missing her long though. Mom and Dad are taking the girls to Branson, MO and I'm going too. When E and C came to pick DollFace up she started crying and said she didn't want to go home and that she thought she was going on a trip with Maw Maw and Paw Paw today.

I know we'll have fun. My mom who is a novice computer user booked everything. I just hope that Dad remembers that he's traveling with two children who can't drive for 5 hours straight without stopping or walk all day in the heat of a Missouri summer.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Donor Ultrasound

The clinic just called to tell me that my lovely donor has 18-20 good sized follicles at this time.

I'm so relieved to make it to this stage.

The neverending summer is almost over.

Please pray for us.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Listen Up, Universe

Maybe it's because I had acupuncture today. :)

Or it could because I weighed in and lost another 2 pounds. (Go, ME!)

Maybe it's because I had a couple drinks at a pool party (How awesome is being a teacher with teacher friends who can have pool parties in the middle of the week?)

Probably, it's the crazy drugs I'm taking.

All my troubles seem very far away today...
I'm feeling so....high on life.

Positive that my little ones will show up.

I keep envisioning our family and the kick ass mom I will be.

I WILL BE!

Do you hear that universe?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Attack Of The Crayons

Well, I turned the corner at Target and there they were. I nearly had an anxiety attack on the spot. School supplies. I've barely had one week off! Can't I get a break? I was not prepared for a sneak attack of waxy smelling crayons, crisp new notebooks and the cutest Scooby Doo lunch box in the shape of the Mystery Machine. I didn't buy anything, though. I'm really not ready to face a new year. Especially teaching a grade I'm not excited about.

My friend L from work had a little get together for lunch at 54th Street Grill for her birthday. Nice for everyone to get together during summer break.

L just found out she'll be teaching first grade next year. She's been teaching kindergarten for 10 years and loves it. She's not excited either. Personally, I think she's a little burned out in kindergarten but doesn't want to admit it. Guess we'll be in the bitter boat together next year. Where's a shot of "make the best of it"? Hit me! With a double!

Speaking of shots....I began injectables today. Ho hum. A non-event that I almost didn't mention. I'm a little closer.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Conversation With Dad

Dad and I were talking about medicine. He was saying it's such a blessing if you're healthy and don't have to take any medication. I made a remark about all the junk I'll be dumping into my body really soon to prepare for the embryo transfer. Dad said, "Now, listen, I don't want you to get down in the mouth if that doesn't happen." Later in the conversation when I mentioned that the doctor said I had a 75% chance of being successful. He said he thought that number was very optimistic and the chances probably weren't that good.

Ummm "down in the mouth"?? I'll be devestated maybe destroyed, if this is not successful. It is extremely unlike my father to be less than 110% optimistic about any situation. He's usually the Pollyanna Papa.

I understand my dad is very old school and it must be high on the ick factor to think about or discuss the method by which one's daughter may become pregnant. He never asks questions or expresses curiosity. He hasn't said much at all about my situation either in encouragement or concern or anything at all. Does he think it's a mistake? Or that I can't handle it? Not that what he or anyone thinks will affect my going forward, I'm way past that point now.

I spoke to E about it and he told me that this was probably as much of a pep talk as I'll get from Dad. He mentioned how stoic our father is and sometimes hard to figure out.

I know he supports me in anything I do, he always has. I'm guessing this awkward conversation was the best he could do in expressing concern for me.