Sunday, October 31, 2010
Dad also stopped by yesterday and I talked to him about the preacher situation. I feel immensely better about the whole thing. He reminded me that what we do know about this pastor is that he is down to earth and fits in well here in the country. He said that he was glad that the preacher wanted to talk to me because a preacher's job is to reach out to people during life changing events. That part of it was to make people feel good about their relationship with God, not to drive them away or make them feel bad. Also, that I could get up and walk out if I started to feel badly and that I for sure should look for a different church home if I am made to feel uncomfortable.
He also told me to remind the preacher that I was baptized in our Lutheran church by my maternal great-grandfather along side our own preacher at that time. My great-grandfather was a Methodist pastor. Apparently, this created a kerfuffle with the church. I guess the pastor had problems with allowing that in his church but my dad told him that Grandpa was going to baptise his girl either in our church along side the pastor or in our home without him. The pastor relented and allowed the dual baptism and I know it is a treasured memory of my mother's. He also told me to tell the pastor that I was the first baby allowed to go up to communion with my parents because I'd cry if someone else held me. I guess after this happened a few times, my grandma prodded my mom to just go ahead and take me up there. She didn't want to hear me cry. Guess Dad figures that with this history behind us, there's no way the preacher will have a problem with me being an unmarried woman using frozen sperm from across the country and a kind donor's eggs to get knocked up. Ha! Yep, we're rebels and rulebreakers....take that conservative country church!
One of the local small churches had their sausage supper today. I love this tradition! My grandparents would make the rounds to a different church each Sunday and knew which one had home-made potatoes, which had the best sausage. I just love the sense of community. The sweet old ladies who proudly bring in their pies and then fuss over the dessert table. The younger people who work hard waiting tables and plates for carry outs. The men who fry the sausage and help park cars. I taught at the Lutheran school of the church that had home-made potatoes and I remember in the days before the supper a big group women in the basement who sat in a circle peeling potatoes and just gossiping away. My church has gotten so small we no longer have a sausage supper but when I was a young I helped in the kitchen and when I was older I waited tables. It was back breaking work but so fun.
And it's a good bargain too! I got carry-outs and took them over to E's house. All this for eight bucks:
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The preacher has called and left messages for me three times this week plus one email. I finally gave in and returned his call tonight. He asked if he'd "missed a wedding". I probably didn't handle it right but I just laughed and said I was having the baby on my own. Hello...I'm 39, most people figure it out. He said he wanted to meet with me to talk about what this new life would be like and what scripture has to say. I agreed to meet with him but I'm nervous. He probably just wants to pray with me and assure himself that I intend to let him baptize the baby. I'm not very close with this pastor and I'm not sure how much of our story to share with him. I'm afraid I'll get emotional trying to tell it. Tears can be misinterpreted. God had a big part in every part of my journey, even when I felt myself trying to turn away from Him. I need to find some strength and make sure he knows this was a well thought out choice and that I had a force much larger than myself propelling me every step of the way.
I would like for my child to experience our small country church. I'm not opposed to finding a new church home but I'm very shy and it's difficult for me to try new ones by myself. Also, I don't want to leave my dad to go to our quirky church all alone. I know he won't go as often if I don't go with him.
Monday, October 25, 2010
This morning I woke up to the smell. You know the one. I knew immediately what had happened. Poor Clara had diarrhea last night. Several spots on the carpet and in her bed. My poor baby. I feel beyond terrible. A good and faithful friend and she can't even count on me to care for her when she's sick and caring for her was as simple as opening a door. Please assume every horrible mother (doggy and human) implication you can think of.
I gacked my way through cleaning it up, while struggling with my own stomach issues. I thought about calling in sick but it was already pretty late and I thought it would be better to be up and moving. Head achy, tired and crabby day at school but had to act normal for the kids. Now cooking a pot of soup while I cook up my emotions.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Unfortunately, the tacos didn't agree with me. It was really weird. My dog, Clara, was laying on her blanket, minding her own business but I could smell the last thing she'd eaten when I walked past her. Something with garlic. As I went close to her to give a good night rub, the smell overcame me and I had to run to the bathroom and throw up. Who gets nauseous in the second trimester? That would be me.
Dad and I went to church this morning and I was a little nervous about telling people there that I was expecting. This is a very small, conservative, country church and people there can be very judgemental. I want to be clear that I don't care what anyone thinks about my life decisions and that I'm not one bit ashamed about anything I've done. I get nervous about how to react to someone being judgy, though. I don't ever want my kid to think that I'm embarrassed about how I came to be a mother and I want to show that in my reactions starting now. It's a difficult line to walk, though. You can't just tell someone at church that you've known your whole life to go jump in a lake if they pass judgement. Grace and dignity are called for. Anyway, all that to say, there really was no problem. Everyone seemed really happy for me and no one asked about the father.
I told the preacher as I was shaking hands with him on the way out.
Me: I wanted you to know I'm expecting.
Preach: (grabbing my hand with both his)
You're kidding me!
Me: No, I'm very serious!
Preach: Congratulations! Give me a call very soon.
It doesn't read that way, but he was really goofy about it. What could he want to talk to me about at this point? I hope it's as simple as talking about baptism which seems way in the future but it might be talking to me about being unmarried and sin.
There are some things I really can't stand about my church. But it's hard to contemplate finding a new church home when I've gone there my entire life. And it goes even deeper, this church was founded by my great grandparents who held the first services in their home, which is now my parents' home. I consider everyone there family.
We picked up Mom and met E, C and Dollface for breakfast. Stretch had spent the night with a friend. We have the tradition of celebrating the end of harvest by going out to eat usually for supper but this year it worked out as breakfast. As a child, this would be one of the two or three times per year that our family would eat at a restaurant. We looked forward to it every year. Still do.
E and C were planning a big painting day at their new house so I brought Dollface home with me. We decorated Halloween cookies. They each have about an inch of frosting and layers of candy. Fun to decorate, not sure about actually eating them. Afterwards, we walked over to the farm and played with the kittens, rode tractor with Paw Paw to feed cows(her not me), helped gather pecans and persimmons.
Someone at church had mentioned finding spoons in all the persimmons this year. If you cut the seed open, lengthwise, you'll find the shape of a spoon, a fork or a knife in the middle of the seed. A spoon means you'll need a shovel all winter because there will be lots of snow. A knife means the winter's cold winds will cut like a knife. A fork means a winter of mild weather. Our persimmons all had spoons too. Not sure if the old tales are true but it's kind of amusing to play around with. I warned DollFace NOT to eat the persimmons off the tree. Only the ones on the ground that look sort of squishy are good to eat. Just like we all did at her age, she just HAD to try one off the tree. Funny sour face! I will always remember my first (and only) taste of unripe persimmon. Ugghh!
Now kicking back and finishing season 2 of Lost.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wednesday was half day for the kids and we "cooked" a recipe to end our unit on families. The kids each brought in a family recipe and we made a first grade family cookbook. The recipe was just nachos but we had fun. Professional development for the remainder of the day for me. Kind of boring but it was only 2 hours.
Thursday the kids were dismissed one hour early but we had to stay all evening for parent/teacher conferences. A very long day. I'm pretty sure my first parent was high. He kept using my name over and over. "Ms. B. I wanted to come to Real Men Read, Ms. B. but Ms. B. I had a court date, Ms. B." I wanted to ask if the court date was for possession. My second parent was the mother of one of my students who is very low academically. As I was explaining his low test scores, she started to cry and talk about how she's been moving around a lot lately and that Rico had a lot of trauma at birth. God, working in the ghetto sometimes really sucks. It is difficult to remember that even the unstable parents are doing the best they can. The positive thing is that the rest of my conferences were with wonderful, supportive, happy parents.
Today was another half day of conferences and then off at 12. Yay. I met my mom for lunch and then we started the process of remodeling my kitchen. Double yay! This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time and I'm excited to finally be starting the process. We talked to a very good kitchen designer and I'm relieved to be in the hands of a professional. I'm not good at making these big choices and although I've been thinking about this project for a long time I really had no idea what I wanted. I joked that if only someone would combine the styles of arts and crafts, French country and kitschy vintage the choices would be really simple. This designer was able to ask me questions and show me choices that I liked. The decisions to be made don't seem so intimidating now. She's coming next week to measure and talk about layout.
This evening I walked over to the farm and was able to ride a few rounds on the combine with my brother. They literally have a few hours of combining beans left and then this year's harvest will be finished. Everyone will be happy about that. A series of equipment breakdowns has made it a long season this year. E told me this was the fifth combine he's driven this year.
I don't know why it would suddenly hit this week but I'm finding myself lonely for a gentleman's company. I haven't missed or thought much about men at all in months. It's not just sex I'm craving although Lawd knows I'm horny as hell. I'm craving those hallmark moments of intimacy. Someone to caress my pregnant belly and talk to the baby or someone who will calm me down when I'm freaking about potty training, who will say, "Don't worry, we're in this together." I have absolutely no regrets about pursuing motherhood on my own and I think I'll be a good mother. This is just how my life turned out. Not perfect, but I'm lucky to be experiencing a dream come true in whatever form it takes.
On the pregnancy front, hmmm, nothing really new. I'm still burping up a storm and that is still really my only symptom other than a rare upset stomach. Sometimes I think my boobs are getting not bigger but maybe a little firmer. Who knows for sure? One can only fondle one's self so much trying to assess the state of the boobs. Wonder if this means I'll have trouble with milk or feeding.
Otherwise the perpetual freak out continues only milder. My cousin mentioned something about potty training and I thought, "Oh God, I'm going to have to potty train someone." My friend talks about how sippy cups drip all over the place and roll under the couch until they stink and have to be thrown out. My thought? "My home is going to be sticky for years." All in good fun now. Still feeling unprepared but can laugh about it and know that I'm learning. The biggest part of me yearns for all this and more. Bring on motherhood! Ready or not!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Then I ran into an acquaintance from high school. I told her I was pregnant and she said she "didn't even know I was married". First time I've run into that. Guess I'll have to get used to it. I just said, "Oh I'm not married, I'm having the baby on my own." The look on her face said, "Oh, an accident" But before she could say anything I said I was very excited about expecting a baby. I'm thinking it's going to be an ongoing thing to handle these situations
I did manage to buy a little something for my Sweet Pea.
See, I can provide.
I will provide.
God, help me provide.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I posted this for my status --
Q: Why have you been so happy lately?
A: I'M PREGNANT and very excited about it!
Q: How far along?
A: 13 weeks
Q: When is your due date?
A: April 25, 2011
Jenni, Desiree, Mary and 7 others like this..
Melissa: Uh oh...it's facebook official!!!! ha ha! I miss you Paige and now that my life is settled let's have a get together, OK? Hope you're not sick or feeling way tired. :)
Laurel: Our clan is super excited for you.
Carrie: It's about time you posted this :)
Beverly: Wow!! Congrats!!
Colleen: yay! congrats :)
Kelli: WooHoooooooo......what a wonderful blessing!!! So very happy for you, Paige!!! You will be an amazing mother!!! :D
Becky: Can't wait... your baby is going to have way tooooo many aunties! Yea!!!!!
Renie: Yep.... And they are not all going to be teachers! This kid is going to be well rounded!
Becky: Aww come on Renie... you'll be a teacher too!
Joi: Yay! It's out in the open!!! I am still SO VERY happy for you! I agree with Melissa, let's get together and celebrate!!! : D
Samantha: YAY PAIGE!!!
Melissa: Yay! I'm so happy for you! You will be an amazing mama! Please keep us posted with ultrasound pics and exciting news!
Sheila: PAIGE! I am so very happy for you! Big hugs and kisses!
Leigh Ann: Congrats paige I'm so happy for you
Desiree: Congrats! Congrats! So happy for you! What a blessing!
This cousin is a very talented artist and right away wanted to paint Sweet Pea a "prayer chair". These are little chairs she paints beautifully with scenes and scripture and the child is supposed to sit there during time out and "pray" but really it's a decorative item. I had a child's chair in my basement that I previously used as a plant stand and she took it with her. She's extremely busy since the divorce with her regular job and trying to get a business off the ground so I'm not sure if she'll really have time to paint it but I love that she offered and insisted on taking the chair with her.
Also, it's now Face.Book official. I put it on my status this morning so truly the WORLD now knows. Even to the last person, I've been in awe of just how happy and excited a person can be for another. I've felt such love during this phase of revealing that I'm on my way to motherhood.
Now, I'll have to go cold turkey to break my addiction to the shock and awe method of telling people I'm expecting and seeing the wonderful, excited, surprised reactions.
Can't wait to see what the second trimester brings!
Friday, October 15, 2010
We're having a door decorating contest at school as part of red ribbon week. As if I don't have enough to do. I think a contest like this is a great idea for older children but at the elementary level, the teachers end up doing most of the work and the kids add a little art project (which the teacher prepares). Anyway, I took advantage of our one hour early release, when I was supposed to be preparing report cards, to cover my door with bulletin board paper. Wow, what a disaster. I had an elaborate mental plan to somehow wrap the door with paper. It ended up like that episode from I Love Lucy where Lucy and Ethel try to hang wallpaper. I got it taped to the top but it was so crooked and then I was somehow underneath the paper trying to tape the middle, it started tearing. I finally tore the whole thing down in frustration. We have surveillance cameras in the hallway and I'm sure they were guffawing away in the office watching me bumble around. I was guffawing myself. Thank goodness Laura came along with her height and helped me with my redo. Hope we win the contest.
The older teacher who predicted I was pregnant gave me my first public belly rub. Very sweet. I know some people find this annoying but it made me smile. At the same time I wanted to say, "Mrs. W. that's mostly made up of pizza and ice cream, not baby."
From a kindergartner upon coming outside for recess: "It's so shiny out here!"
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
But more importantly, I feel so well cared for when I leave that office. I don't feel embarrassed to ask all my silly little questions and you know I have plenty of them. Like: "Will this band of fat on my belly somehow squash the baby?"
When I saw him I practically jumped up and down and asked if he was so so excited like I was. I know I'm a dork. But he said he was really excited and asked how it happened? Hahaha.....too funny. Even more funny that I couldn't make the called for joke: "Dr. don't you know how babies are made?" Cause mine wasn't exactly made in a traditional way.
It was super busy in the office but Dr. H. spent a long time with me talking about prenatal care, hormones and nutrition. I think he's more concerned about my age than my weight but he still says what he's always said when I voiced my own concerns about age or weight. That I'm very healthy and there's no reason to believe I won't have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. Also, that while we'll try to prevent complications (I'm really worried about diabetes), we won't worry about them until they arise.
I explained to him that I'd lost 60 pounds awhile ago and what should I do nutritionally etc now. He said I should eat about 300 calories more than I had been while losing weight. He only wants me to gain about 20 pounds and even hearing that sort of freaked me out. But he immediately said something to comfort me when he saw my reaction. That is why I heart Dr. Hottie!
Then he tried to find the heartbeat with the doppler. This ONE time being fat paid off. He couldn't find it and said he didn't want to send me off worrying. I was able to have an ultrasound right away. My beautiful Sweet Pea is measuring right on target and the wee heart was beating away at 175. The tech said she could make out limbs, head, body and even facial features....but I couldn't really make out any of that. I COULD see the little heart though! My body is making a heart!
Next appointment: November 11
Sunday, October 10, 2010
- 4 bags of paper
- 2 big garbage bags of clothes to good will
- 1 box of junk to good will
- 4 boxes of books and files to the basement
- 2 bags of trash
- 3 loads of laundry by washing them
- Disc 2, season 2 of Lost by watching it
- countless calories by walking 2 miles
- 12 apples by making 2 apple crumb pies
- my 11th week of pregnancy...now in my 12th week!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
I began cleaning out a filing cabinet I have in my office which will be the nursery. The first tiny step.
Friday, October 8, 2010
I've tried to get back to exercise this week. So far I've walked three nights this week. I figure if I can exercise 4-5 nights a week for the next six months, I should have a better delivery. If that doesn't motivate me, nothing will. Tonight I was on the bike trail walking my two miles and it was such a perfect, warm, gold fall evening. A flock of geese flew right over my head. It was all so beautiful. You guessed it, I started bawling.
County Teachers' Institute today. What a waste of a teacher's day. They tried a webinar this year. The connection was so poor I could only catch every third word of the presenter when it wasn't stuck in Max Headroom mode. Then we went back to our schools to discuss our new phonics program which took about an hour. After lunch, we sat around for two hours waiting to be dismissed. I don't know if it was an improvement to the old way where we all crunched into some high school or the university after fighting to find parking only to go to over crowded sessions or be turned away because the sessions were full. I think they should do away with the whole thing.
This was the scene in the bean field across the road from my house at 8pm last night. Two combines, two semis and a pick up or two. I wish I was a better photographer so you could see what it really looked like. Everything lit up. Almost festive looking. I'm sure the boys didn't find it festive at all.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
From my mother's cousin in Louisiana. The picture doesn't show it well but the embroidery is quality and very detailed. She must have had it custom made. Just the type of thing this cousin would do.
And I was greatly relieved at the size. I was horrified at the size of another adorable but to my eyes, huge, sleeper Sweet Pea had received and the thoughts of getting something that big out of my body. But this shirt is so tiny and delicate. I looked at the size of the shirt and then looked at the width of my hips and thought: still uncomfortable and painful but I think I can do this. Then my mother pointed out that the tag said "preemie". Oh...great.
I'm amazed at what people will say to me knowing I'm pregnant. People I hardly know will come up to me and start talking about strollers or onsies or pack-n-plays. Even Jae, who is a lesbian in her late 40's knows way more about all this baby paraphernalia than I do. She asked me the other day what kind of car seat I wanted. I haven't even given that a thought. I didn't even know there were different types but she seemed to know all about them.
Or they'll ask me about breast feeding. For God's sake, breast feeding! It's all seems so foreign. Breast feeding? I feel like someone might as well come up to me and say "Hey, you know you'll soon have ham coming out of your elbow, what are you going to do about that."
I feel very uneducated. I also feel like I should be wondering and researching and wanting all this stuff....but somehow I can't quite make myself do it.
I told my mom I didn't want to get caught up in all the material stuff. The tons and tons of material stuff everyone seems to think a baby needs. That is not what is most important here. She said I'll be running around in April with a naked baby screaming, "What'll I do? My baby's naked! Where's all the material stuff it needs?"
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Dad and R are burning up the road taking corn to market. They just switched the combine over to soybeans and probably have about a month of long days and nights ahead of them. E is burning the candle at both ends trying to get renovations done at his new house too. Dad especially is on edge after over a month of too much work and worry. 12-18 hour days are the norm. The wives complain about being "harvest widows" while they keep a close watch on their men. The weather has been fair and the crop is decent this year and so they push on.
Was this a post that did not mention my pregnancy or Sweet Pea? Can't let that happen...
I'm getting anxious about going to our first OB appointment in one week. Still don't really feel pregnant except feeling a full uterus more often and when I get up from a low chair or the floor I feel a sharp cramp. Oh and I did crave mustard a few times. Hope everything's going ok in there.
My budget is going to pot. Not like I had a lot of extra money to begin with but now property taxes are due. I did save for them through the year but not enough. I have to come up with $1600 before the end of the year. Still carrying a balance on the credit card from fertility stuff and other miscellaneous stuff. I'm trying to pay off the University for my graduate classes and the pharmacy keeps sending me bills for $4000. They are stamped, "Not a bill, these charges are being sent to your insurance". I'm worried they won't cover anything or very little. Yikes.
I've become hooked on telling people my shocking, wonderful news but now I'm running out of people to tell. I actually just emailed a group of grade school friends that I see once or twice a year. Not because I'm so close to them but because I was looking for one more excited, happy reaction. That phase is almost over. I'm a little sad about that.
A messy house isn't the worst thing and the bills will get paid, eventually. I know.
Lots of happy phases ahead of me. I know.
Trying not to become overwhelmed and freak out.
We had a fun time last night. Stretch made a batch of cookies on her own and she does such a good job. She makes each one tiny, about the size of a half dollar. S had given me a cute muffin mix a while ago and DollFace has been asking to make "those little sweetie things" ever since. However, the strangest thing...I couldn't find my muffin tins. We tried to make it in a loaf pan but it didn't work out. Burnt outside and raw inside. I think I must have burned up something in the muffin tins, trashed them and then forgot to replace them.
The girls are really excited about the baby. I didn't get a chance to tell them myself. I think they heard their mom talking to someone about it and she ended up telling them. DollFace kept trying to give me some of her toys "for the baby". Ok, they were really dirty, wet toys C wanted to get rid of but still sweet. I asked Stretch what she thought when she found out. She said she wondered how it happened but then remembered that I kept going to the doctor. I'm sure C talked to her about it. I told her I wanted to have a husband but it just didn't work out for me. She said she'd babysit but wouldn't change any diapers. Can't say I blame her.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Funny that some peoples' reactions aren't what I expected. I never thought Jae would be so, so happy for me. KO at work had a very low key reaction. Quietly said she was happy for me and that was about it. She's 50 and single without children and I remember a few years ago, maybe 10 or so, she looked into adopting but didn't go through with it. Because of her age or not wanting to pay the money or both, I can't remember the details. Jae seemed to think she had the money but didn't want to spend it. A single woman needs monetary security. I get that. But I know how bitter and jealous I would be if I was in that situation, alone and knowing I'd be without children.(I was in that situation for years or thought I was heading that way). I sorry that she was unable to proceed with a family for whatever reason.
And yes, now that Jae mentioned it. I am proud of myself for being brave enough to try for this and to keep trying even though at times everything seemed against me. There was such great joy waiting for me the whole time. I think about KO and truly believe, "There, but for the grace of God, go I"
DollFace: What are you going to name the baby?
Me: DollFace, of course.
DollFace: That's my name!
Me: What do you think I should name it?
DollFace: (without hesitation) Rosie
Me: What if it's a boy?