Kitchen

Take A Guess

Guess what I did today:

111/365

Room With Potential

I can't believe I'm about to share this.
Yayas, you may want to look away for this one.
Really!

It's a picture of my "back" room. It's a shameful mess. My grandmother is spinning in her grave right now. Doesn't it look like the beginnings of hoarding?

I was thinking it's a metaphor for my life. Once it was my "office" it was fixed up and although I wasn't really satisfied with the decor, it was ok looking.

For a while, just like me, it was full of an exciting kind of potential. Just the weekend before the sad, bad thing happened, I had emptied out the secretary in the corner and was planning on soon getting help moving the big stuff out. Dreaming about moving a crib in.

Now it's a wreck, just like me.

Full of leftover junk from the kitchen remodel, Christmas presents that haven't found a home, crap that fell out of the closet that I was too lazy to pick up, Dollface's art supplies and toys, Sweet Pea's ultrasounds and memory box, bookshelf emptied of my books and waiting for baby's stuff, photography stuff, tech stuff, FET paperwork, school stuff.

Everything's in there. It's a mess, just like my life. I can't tell if I'm going forward or backward. I can't get this room together and I can't get myself together either.


Perhaps there is still potential though.



Let's call these "before" pictures, be on the look out for "after" soon:

Sneaky Finger

E and Dad come over early to tile the last bit of the kitchen. I had previous plans and felt very guilty running off to loaf while they were working so hard. I know all that knee work is hard on Dad and E kept complaining about his hands being so cold at the tile saw on this blustery, wet day. These are generous craftsmen I have in my family.

SC and I went to posh Frontenac Plaza to see the movie Jane Eyre. It was a very dark and there were some scary bits. For me anyway, I'm a scaredy cat at movies. The actress playing Jane didn't have many lines but was very expressive with her facial expressions.

The funny part was that we were the youngest people in the theater by about 30 years. Blue hair, oxygen tanks, and walkers...represent! The super heavy bathroom door about waylaid a few of the sweet old dears.

I haven't seen SC in a long time. We had good conversation on the drive to and from the movie. It was good to spend time with her.


Dad, doing the last of the tiling:



My clever, clever brother being RUDE!


As teenagers, my brother and I used to play a game where the object was to give each other the finger on the sly at the dinner table unbeknownst to our parents. For example, one of us would pick up our drink in a way that the finger was nonchalantly up in the air. The other's challenge would be NOT to laugh or if we couldn't hold it in to explain it to our parents without revealing the true game. More than once beverages got sprayed across the table because the drinker wasn't expecting the sneaky finger. One time I was "losing" and when he gave me the sneaky finger one too many times, I screamed across the table, "You think you're soooo smart, well you're NOT!!!" I'm sure my parents wondered why we were being weird. All that to say, as a result of that game, one of us will good naturedly give the other the finger once in a while. Guess it's our way of saying "I love you".

New Floor

I came home to the surprise of a partially installed kitchen floor. We had a big storm last night which squashed the tenuous start Dad and E had planting corn. Too muddy now for several days probably. So the kitchen area is tiled and waiting for grout.

Fighting Grief: Round 558

I received the most amazing and unexpected gift today. My sister-in-law came over to "look at the new tile." She asked me about the appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist and we talked about that for a few minutes. Then, out of the blue she offered to carry a child for me if I should have another sad, bad thing happen with this next try. I was so flabbergasted that I'm not sure I reacted sufficiently grateful. All I could do was sort of hem and haw my thanks. Before I could collect my thoughts, Mom drove up. I'll need to write her an email. I always knew she had a giving heart but now, I take back every mean thing I ever said or thought about her. Or most of them anyway. :)

Every cell in my heart hopes it doesn't come to that. I would rather the FET just not take. Still unsure about surviving another sad, bad thing.

I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've made an effort to keep negativity off the blog recently and I truthfully have been on quite an emotional upswing the past couple weeks. But now I seem to be heading toward a downturn. Why? Could be no reason at all. These things seem to turn on me like lightning with no provocation at all. It could be because I got that damn sample pack of formula in the mail and it took my breath away but I managed it ok. As I filled my medicine caddy yesterday, I realized I was out of antidepressants. By the time I got the refill, it was late in the day and I decided to just skip it. By evening, I was crashing. I don't know if it was missing a dose or just "where I am" but again I'm wondering why, why, why my little baby had to die. Wondering about the path of my life. Wondering why trying for my second child isn't enough motivation to eat right and exercise. Etc, etc, etc. I'm fighting the same old bad, sad crap, ding, ding, round 558. It's better today but I'm really wondering about my capability of being off this medication.

Oh and that other pregnant teacher is on FB complaining that she's "totally over" being "preggo".

How I wish with all that I am that I was still preggo.

I would have been 38 weeks pregnant this week and cannot stop thinking about what it might have been like to still have my Sweet Pea kicking inside me. We would have had a shower by now. the nursery would have been decorated by now with Mom's help. She probably would have OVER decorated it. We might have had quarrels about it. I'd be on maternity leave by now. Maybe I'd be having contractions right now. Or he might even be born and home in my arms this very moment.

Oh I miss him so much. With body, soul, heart, mind. No gut wrenching cry or words I write here can express how much I miss my son.

Picture of the Day:



Dad and I grouted the new kitchen tile.
He came over this evening to adjust some shelves in the new cabinets and kept hanging around like he was wanting to say something but never did. I wish I had offered a penny for his thoughts.

53/365

Good, Bad and Ugly

In the wrong order but I don't care:
The Bad:
I should not have skipped school yesterday. The sub left me a note saying my class was horrible. Two different teachers said they'd seen how wild it was and stopped in there to help the sub. So I spent today cracking down on my little darlings. Not fun for them OR me and could have been avoided if I'd dragged my butt out of bed.

The Ugly:
I've been eating and eating and eating. I'm desperate to control it but feel like it's taking control instead. Nothing seems to be working and I'm out of excuses. It's all me now. Depression? I really could have stayed home again today.

The Good:
My bro put the handles on the new kitchen cabinets while I was at school. You don't realize how inconvenient it is to not have handles until you don't have them.

Which brings us to
The Picture of the Day:

Weird fuzziness. This has been showing up on many of my pics lately. I keep saying "it's the camera" doing it but I don't think it is. Not sure. I'm getting little frustrated on photo challenge, especially during the week.

Functional Kitchen

I came home to a functional kitchen! More excited about it than I thought I would be. Possibly more excited than I have been since Greyson left me. It will be a while before the backsplash, floor and trim are installed but now I can cook real meals. I'll have to find some other excuse for eating junk all the time....or I could stop eating so much junk and try to get my body (and mind and heart) ready for the future. Whatever that may hold.

Pictures of the Day:

Nearly A Countertop

Countertop halfway installed. They broke the long piece and have to bring another one next week. The neverending kitchen remodel continues. The close up picture doesn't really do it justice but here are the two types of countertop:

Picture of the Day:

Trees reflected in a puddle

Exercise Class

Who the heck cries during an exercise class? That would be me. Two of my coworkers go and I thought I'd give it a try. Today was my second time going. I'm not a fan of public exercise due to my shyness and self consciousness about my jumbo size but I thought it would be a good way to get myself moving on a Saturday when I don't have anything else to "show up" for.

My third grade teacher was there. Looking and sounding just the same as she did 30 (30!) years ago. That made me more self conscious. I'm friends with her on FB but she doesn't check in very often and I just kept thinking, did she know I wasn't pregnant anymore? Did she even remember that I was? Would she say anything? Stupid overdrive brain!

There were teenagers behind me which added to my discomfort. And a few of them were boys who were stinky. Well, then the exercise got really hard and I struggled to keep up and there was twirling and a lot of jumping and everything got really fast.

Thankfully my friend, AT, was there and because she was encouraging me I kept the tears on the inside mostly and actually made it through the hour class. I can't believe I did it. I know if AT hadn't been there I would have walked out. I'm glad I did it.

I came home to three men working in my kitchen. Dad, E and R. They stabilized the island, installed the dishwasher and put some extra screws into the cabinets. While they were doing that, I worked on cleaning out the garage of all the old flooring and cardboard from the cabinets. Later, Stretch and her weird friend stopped by. They were having an "adventure" which it seems consisted of walking across the pasture and splashing through the branch.

Now my back seems to be out of whack and my stomach is troubling me. Quiet night in store: me, wine, TV and ibuprofen.

Picture of the day:


Didn't turn out really well considering the time I put into it. Thank Gawd it was a "lazy" shot with me just sitting there playing with settings on my camera. I couldnt' get the shoes to be crisp and dark. And I wish there was a "cooler" picture on the TV. I think I was watching a Scrubs rerun.

Glass Tree

I had a much better day today. It's wild to me how one day can be so low I think I'll never see light again and the next can be very good, almost to the point of feeling normal and forgetting. Twenty four hours can really change things.

I "Walked Away The Pounds" this morning. That's an exercise video for jumbo sized people who can't do too much. I really do feel so much better mentally if I move more. I'm issuing myself a four day challenge to do an exercise vid every day. I'm going to try to sucker encourage Belinda to be in the challenge too.

I went to the Tile Place and gave Tile Lady a down payment for the kitchen stuff. Whew. What a load off my mind. Like so many things these days, it doesn't really matter to me that the couch has become a storage place for dry goods or that even if I did want to make brownies, I probably wouldn't want to dig the mixing bowls out from under the bed where lots of kitchen stuff is being stored for the duration but it will be nice when the actual kitchen is functioning again. Unfortunately, that won't be for at least four more weeks.

Then I took myself to see Black Swan. What a beautiful clusterf*&^ of a movie! I really identified with Natalie Portman's character because I'm a dancer too. NOT a thin starving ballerina striving for perfection. However, I do dance on the edge of sanity just like her character did. She did a fancy ballerina leap over to crazytown. I hope I never have the need to do that. I'd probably throw out my back. I loved looking for all the foreshadows, background references to birds and all the control and mind games. I can see why there is Oscar buzz.

I was staring out the window this morning, as I'm wont to do so often these days, and I couldn't help but notice the way the rising sun shone on the ice covered tree making it look as though it was made of glass.




Inspired by my camera wielding friends here and there , I had to snap a pic to share with you. I wish I was a better photographer with a better camera so you could see it like I did. It probably didn't help that I was too lazy to actually go outside and take the picture but took it from the window.

And here is a bonus shot of Clara B. Dog. She has a barely noticeable limp now, however, she thinks she's completely recovered and runs about in an untroubled and happy-go-lucky way.

Oh to be an untroubled and happy-go-lucky canine.....

BDB/ADB

I'm finding that time has been split into BDB (Before Dead Baby) and obviously ADB (After Dead Baby).

BDB-I would have written about drama going on at school. Because of a simple miscommunication an older battleax of a teacher (yes, it's KO of former glory) is saying that a younger teacher is a liar and the younger teacher and her friend were crying and saying how much they hated working at our school. I would have written how upset I was about it all.

ADB-I'm not upset but have decided that I work with children and I don't mean my students. I want to tell the older one to stop being such a battleax and I want to yell at the younger ones that none of this crap matters since they have children who are alive so shut up with the stupid crying.

BDB-I would have told you about the choices I've made for the kitchen remodel. I would have been excitedly planning where I would store baby bottles and sippy cups. I would have imagined a high chair in the dining area and a laughing toddler along with it, spaghetti sauce in his hair and noodles on the floor.

ABD-I can tell you that it was a slow chore to have made almost all the decisions for the remodel because I don't trust myself in my current mental state and I know I'll have to look at these choices for the rest of my life. I will go in tomorrow to make the official order and put money down. I look at all the cabinets and wonder what a childless, singleton needs with all that space within a fine new kitchen. I don't deserve it and wonder if I've wasted money I should be hoarding for some sort of adoption.

BDB-I would have written that it was a great weekend including circle time with the Yas on Friday, celebrating a friend's 50th birthday at Tucker's in Soulard on Saturday and three dinner invitations on Sunday. I ended up at E's and it did my heart good to see my nieces. I would have written about all the laughs and good memories made. BDB I would have written that it really was a great weekend.

ADB - I could write the same thing but I have to add that my heart felt so low all weekend. When I'm with friends and family I'm able to be distracted. I genuinely laugh and smile. I'm almost to the point that I can forget my pain for a while but then the social event ends and my heart drops. I spent a lot of time crying this weekend too.

BDB-I would have written about being 28 weeks pregnant now. Maybe I would have written about Sweet Pea doing inutero jumping jacks or the latest ultrasound or having to pee all the time or getting a larger belly and starting to feel encumbered by it. Maybe I'd be writing about a baby shower.

ADB-I tell you my heart hurts continuously with missing my Sweet Pea and I wish everyday that he'd stayed.

BDB-I would be planning for our future.

ADB-I wonder everyday what is going to become of me.

Update On Grief And The State Of My Sanity

Grief:
I don't know if you noticed but I was able to write a blog entry yesterday without mentioning grief, crying, pain, my dead baby or the shaky state of my sanity. I'm feeling desperately sad, still and missing Sweet Pea with every breath. Something's changed, I guess. Numbness seems to have taken over. I still cry daily and sometimes I cry hard but I haven't had a truly hysterical crying jag for a few days. My mind still turns and turns without stopping but the frightening high speed that threatens me ever closer to the edge of my sanity has slowed some.

Insane:
I've been worrying about something that is really, really silly. I know Aunt Alys came and took Greyson away from me in the hospital to bring him into Heaven. I keep waiting and waiting for some dream or sign that he's happy and ok but it doesn't come. Greyson was created with a donor egg and donor sperm. He was a child of my heart not my genetics. What if he got confused In Heaven and went with the wrong family. I know it sounds insane but this really bothers me. I don't want him up there with strangers and lost. What if he's not showing up in my dreams because he can't find me? What if I get up to heaven and I can't find him? I may as well go to hell.

Maybe my mind hasn't slowed as much as I thought?

Sane:
Mom went with me today to pick tile for the kitchen. We found some lovely old world looking tile for the backsplash. It's kind of different yet kind of traditional. I felt a spark of interest while we were looking.

Dad, E and RV installed the oven and the cabinetry around the fridge, worked on electrical stuff and brought in the island cabinets. The project rolls forward...spark or no spark.

Delurk:
Thanks to MB, I'm now obsessed with the "stats" button. I never knew that existed before yesterday. I really and truly CANNOT believe how many of you out there read. I can't figure out WHY you would want to read but I'm glad that you do.

Thank you.

I really wish you would ALL delurk!

Today.

Right now!

Go head, click on comments and tell me hi.
.
.
.
I dare you.

Cabinets Installed

Dad and E knocking down the wall between

the kitchen and utility room on December 27 .

After days of drywall work and copious amounts of DUST, today Dad, E, R

and I tore out part of the flooring, patched the hole in the subfloor

where the wall was and installed cabinets.

Mom and Dad took Dollface and me to Red Robin

for dinner. And now, Dollface is taking refuge here for the night

while big sis has a slumber party.

Don't ask why we're watching Hocus Pocus.



++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And I guess I can't let a post go by without mentioning pain or grief or my dead baby. I was finally able to watch Sweet Pea's ultrasound DVD last night after I wrote about my painful day. I've been wanting to watch it but it never seemed like the right time.

It made me miss him, of course, but it was mostly a good memory. My baby, on the screen, alive and moving all around. The joy of my life. I could see that his little face in real life had resembled the grey blobface on the screen.

My little boy was very fine looking.

I think he would have been wise too.

Tired

Tired, so tired. I wanted so badly to stay in bed today. But Dad and E were over here most of the day putting drywall up where the wall and soffit were in the kitchen. I can't very well just lounge around while they are here working so hard. The finishing guy (C's brother in law, or would be if her sister ever stops having babies and marries this guy) is coming over tonight and I still won't be able to just... be.

I'm debating on dropping the grad class I'm supposed to take this semester. It's taught by
the same teacher who made me write a final a week after my baby died. Also, there is a woman who I know will be in the class who is due 3 days before I was due. I'm not sure I can look at the two of them all semester long. It just sounds like undue pain to me. And who really cares about classes when all I can think about is what happened to my baby and keeping my sanity. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that if I don't continue with classes, I won't ever go back.

Back to school tomorrow. I know I'll survive it but I really don't want to go. It all seems so soul suckingly exhausting.

Kitchen Remodel, Day 1

Day One of kitchen remodel. What a lucky, lucky girl I am and what a beautiful new kitchen this will be. Anyway, that's the attitude I wish I had.

My grandparents built this home in 1969, when my parents got married and took over the farm and farmhouse. My grandfather did quite a bit of the building and I liked seeing what I know to be his touches. Pieces of a yardstick used as shims, pieces of plaster patched together behind the soffit because nothing must be wasted, five different types of screws because they came from the collection he kept in a jar.

Clearly Grandpa didn't think the wall should ever or would ever come down. Dad and E had quite a time getting the wall out. Not as easy as it looks on HGTV. It was kind of frightening the way chunks of plaster and giant wooden splinters went flying clear across the room and yet the wall didn't budge. Someone could have put an eye out. So I didn't get to swing the sledge after all. My job was to carry out the larger pieces of plaster and wood and to constantly sweep up the smaller ones. Dust, dust, dust. Everywhere, fine, fine dust. It's still in the air now.

I had anxiety attack after anxiety attack during the first hour or two. I just kept thinking it was all for my Sweet Pea. A beautiful, new kitchen with a dishwasher to sanitize those baby bottles and with plenty of space for sippy cups and baby food jars. Especially with Dad and E working so hard and having trouble. E kept making snarky comments and I know he wasn't wild about the idea of him and Dad doing the work from the start. And I think he's frustrated that I'm not excited or wanting this anymore. At one point when they had most of the wall down, he jokingly (I think) asked me if I wanted them to quit. I wish it had been practical for me to say what I really felt. "Yes, just quit, I don't care anymore." But I just tried to laugh.

Clara kept me up most of the night last night with a restless little whine. I don't think she's in pain but she may be having some discomfort or just couldn't find a comfortable position. The fentanyl pain patch only lasts 3-5 days. The vet prescribed a stronger oral pain medication so I hope she gets some relief and I get some sleep.

Kitchen looks like a war zone, boxes storing kitchen stuff everywhere, microwave and toaster oven in the living room, Christmas tree half up and half down, a gimpy dog and don't forget soul sucking grief. I don't want to think about any of it anymore. I think I'm going to take a very hot shower, wash all this dust out of my hair and go to bed.

Onward

Mom and I went shopping to find tile for my kitchen remodel. We did a good job of "faking it". I only had a couple hard moments at the tile store. We actually had a few laughs at dinner joking about the giant stalks of broccoli on our plates. Only on the drive home did we talk a little about what happened.

I would really prefer to forget the whole kitchen project. It was all for the baby anyway. I just couldn't see having a baby with such a small kitchen and no dishwasher so in the middle of my pregnancy I charged headfirst into the excitement of a serious remodel. I had just ordered the cabinets the week before and paid for them the day I found out he was a boy. The designer I had been working with at the Hardware Megamart was so very excited for us.

Now I just can't fathom having a fabulous new kitchen with no baby.
I don't want the kitchen anymore.
Take the kitchen and give me my baby.

But the nonreturnable cabinets are ordered and arriving Wednesday. Mom needs to know I'm ok and wants to help with all the design choices. Dad is desperate for projects and has said a few times that he's excited to get started. So onward we go...

I'm thinking the wall that's coming down has my name on it along with a sledgehammer.

It's A Long One

It's been a long week and I'm tired. So much to write about yet nothing much going on. Class on Tuesday, always a long day. I was able to talk to the professor about next semester. She said no problem, I'd just have to double up on tutoring sessions in the first part of the semester. Also, someone in class asked me if "the daddy was happy?". I had a giggle with that one. I guess he is happy walking around California somewhere with some extra cash in his pocket. What I actually said was my standard line about having the baby on my own.

Wednesday was half day for the kids and we "cooked" a recipe to end our unit on families. The kids each brought in a family recipe and we made a first grade family cookbook. The recipe was just nachos but we had fun. Professional development for the remainder of the day for me. Kind of boring but it was only 2 hours.

Thursday the kids were dismissed one hour early but we had to stay all evening for parent/teacher conferences. A very long day. I'm pretty sure my first parent was high. He kept using my name over and over. "Ms. B. I wanted to come to Real Men Read, Ms. B. but Ms. B. I had a court date, Ms. B." I wanted to ask if the court date was for possession. My second parent was the mother of one of my students who is very low academically. As I was explaining his low test scores, she started to cry and talk about how she's been moving around a lot lately and that Rico had a lot of trauma at birth. God, working in the ghetto sometimes really sucks. It is difficult to remember that even the unstable parents are doing the best they can. The positive thing is that the rest of my conferences were with wonderful, supportive, happy parents.

Today was another half day of conferences and then off at 12. Yay. I met my mom for lunch and then we started the process of remodeling my kitchen. Double yay! This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time and I'm excited to finally be starting the process. We talked to a very good kitchen designer and I'm relieved to be in the hands of a professional. I'm not good at making these big choices and although I've been thinking about this project for a long time I really had no idea what I wanted. I joked that if only someone would combine the styles of arts and crafts, French country and kitschy vintage the choices would be really simple. This designer was able to ask me questions and show me choices that I liked. The decisions to be made don't seem so intimidating now. She's coming next week to measure and talk about layout.

This evening I walked over to the farm and was able to ride a few rounds on the combine with my brother. They literally have a few hours of combining beans left and then this year's harvest will be finished. Everyone will be happy about that. A series of equipment breakdowns has made it a long season this year. E told me this was the fifth combine he's driven this year.

I don't know why it would suddenly hit this week but I'm finding myself lonely for a gentleman's company. I haven't missed or thought much about men at all in months. It's not just sex I'm craving although Lawd knows I'm horny as hell. I'm craving those hallmark moments of intimacy. Someone to caress my pregnant belly and talk to the baby or someone who will calm me down when I'm freaking about potty training, who will say, "Don't worry, we're in this together." I have absolutely no regrets about pursuing motherhood on my own and I think I'll be a good mother. This is just how my life turned out. Not perfect, but I'm lucky to be experiencing a dream come true in whatever form it takes.

On the pregnancy front, hmmm, nothing really new. I'm still burping up a storm and that is still really my only symptom other than a rare upset stomach. Sometimes I think my boobs are getting not bigger but maybe a little firmer. Who knows for sure? One can only fondle one's self so much trying to assess the state of the boobs. Wonder if this means I'll have trouble with milk or feeding.

Otherwise the perpetual freak out continues only milder. My cousin mentioned something about potty training and I thought, "Oh God, I'm going to have to potty train someone." My friend talks about how sippy cups drip all over the place and roll under the couch until they stink and have to be thrown out. My thought? "My home is going to be sticky for years." All in good fun now. Still feeling unprepared but can laugh about it and know that I'm learning. The biggest part of me yearns for all this and more. Bring on motherhood! Ready or not!!

What I Got Rid Of

Things I got rid of today:

• 4 bags of paper
• 2 big garbage bags of clothes to good will
• 1 box of junk to good will
• 4 boxes of books and files to the basement
• 2 bags of trash
• 3 loads of laundry by washing them
• Disc 2, season 2 of Lost by watching it
• countless calories by walking 2 miles
• 12 apples by making 2 apple crumb pies
• my 11th week of pregnancy...now in my 12th week!