My Son

On days like today, I really feel like the people I work with are family. People were honking at me as I walked through the parking lot and Jae and KO met me at the door. Apparently, there was a lot of facebooking and texting last night about if I'd told anyone and who and if I'd posted.

Hehehe.

I announced over the intercom that there was a special presentation in my classroom. When people gathered, I told them I'd decided not to tell anyone the gender of my baby. It was so funny, you could hear a pin drop. Then I said, "I won't tell you, but I'll show you!" and popped in the DVD. So crazy to see him big on the Smartboard. It made my ninth (yes,ninth and I'd have in on constant loop on my TV if I could) viewing of the DVD unforgettable. When he moved around, everyone went awwwww and I would yell, I KNOW! When his tallywacker made it's appearance everyone was screaming and jumping around, giving hugs.

So many special smiles and kindnesses in the hallways and jokes about potty training and other boyish stuff. So wonderful that my coworkers are so excited and caring toward us. It was such a happy experience today.

I've easily slipped into the habit of thinking "he", "him" or "my baby boy".
But tonight when I was driving home, grinning like a loon and wondering what it would be like to be my son's mom.
I hadn't thought about him being my son.
My family, my son.

It's really happening.

Even the biggest of dreams really do come true.

Can You Smell That Smell?

3:30 AM. I just woke up because I dreamed a smell and it was so strong, it woke me up. I don't even remember what happened in the dream, just that this dark haired old woman turned her head to look at me and when she did, the smell of old, skanky pond water came at me. So weird.

Now I can't stop thinking about my baby BOY!!!

I'm going to have to learn about sports.
I'll have to potty train a tallywacker.
And have toy trucks and trains all over the house.
And tell him about the birds and bees. YIKES!

Oh my gosh...so much to look forward to.

Snips and Snails

and puppy dog tails,
that's what little BOYS
are made of!

Sweet Pea is a BOY.
I'm having a baby BOY.
A BOY. A little BOY!
My baby is a BOY baby!
I'm making a tallywacker!

Oh my gosh, undoubtedly the most thrilling experience of my life. To see that little baby inside me moving around. He had his arms up by his head, just like he was relaxing in a hammock, he moved one in front of his face and was kicking his little legs. At one point he rolled from his back to his belly. When the tech announced that it was a boy, Mom and S were crying and Mom was shaking. I just couldn't stop smiling and giggling. I'm truly thrilled beyond words.

This makes it so very real! Hard for my mind to comprehend, I'm having a baby. My body is growing a baby!

I haven't stopped smiling. I had to go to the Hardware Megamart afterwards and could hardly stop myself from grabbing total strangers and yelling, "IT'S A BOY!" in their face.

On the technical side of things, everything is measuring on target, the heart rate was 157 and he weighs 14 ounces. The only glitch was that because of the way the baby was positioned she couldn't see the bottom chambers of the heart. Dr. H. said that this doesn't mean anything is wrong, only that he couldn't see them and wants us to have another ultrasound on December 30th at our next appointment. As for me, my blood pressure was 138/88, I think and I've lost 5 pounds.

My only small regret is that after leaving, while I was still at the doctor's, my mom called my dad, brother and SIL so I didn't get to tell them myself. I understand, she just couldn't contain herself. She said that Dad only said that it was great news, really great but that there was a very excited, special tone to his voice that she'd never heard before and I wish I could have heard it too.

Weirdly, my mom waited in the parking lot for me afterwards and then went to Megamart, knowing I was going there. When I got out of the car and asked her why she was there, she pulled out a blue teddy bear and wanted to take my picture with it and post it on her FB page. Ok, but I kept squinting in the sun and the picture didn't look good. We retook it at her house. I'm thrilled that she's so very excited.

I was able to tell my nieces in person, though. So sweet. Stretch's face lit up and she got this big, pleased grin on her face and said she hopes I name it Mitch. Dollface was standing near me and didn't say anything but just leaned into my side for a hug.

I'm so happy, I could burst!!!

Pink or Blue?

Tomorrow I hope to find out that my baby is healthy and strong...also if it is a boy or girl. I've never felt anticipation like this. Excited is an understatement. I'm finding people have strong feelings about this. My family wants a boy, many at work feel it's a girl. Jae KNOWS it's a boy.

I've been having feelings for about a week now that it's a girl.
I can't say why I feel this way or even describe the feeling.
Just a feeling.

Pink or Blue?
Place your bets now.

Sweet Flutters

I'm sure of it now. I've been feeling Sweet Pea move around for several days. More and more often now. In the mornings, after I've hit snooze and I'm very still and quiet, I sometimes feel the flutters. Or if I've been very active and then sit down.

How can I describe this kind of magic?
Like the tiny bubbles in ginger ale,
or fish that nibble at you in a lake
or sweet, sweet butterflies.

There really is a little baby inside me.
I'm really a mother.

Sick Thanksgiving

I've spent the day hacking, sneezing, blowing my nose, steeping myself in a steamy bathroom and with steamy tea and changing my underpants....repeat, repeat, repeat.

It was so bad at bedtime last night. I was so determined not to take any more medication. I tried that old urban myth and put Vick's on the bottoms of my feet and warm socks. Totally didn't work.

I coughed to the point of gagging, then coughed to the point of dry heaves. And I was crying...so scared for my poor little baby. The Dr recommended Robitussin but the pharmacist said it would speed up our heart rates. I calmed down and rationalized that a fast heart rate would be easier on Sweet Pea than all this gagging and crying which was probably speeding up our heart rate anyway. I took a dose and then lied down scared, waiting and wondering what it would do to the baby. Not long before I feel into a very deep sleep, thank God. I woke up coughing and gagging again at 1:30, took another dose and slept till 7:30.

I woke still coughing but less intense and with less frequency. I knew I couldn't hold a conversation without hacking and hacking. I emailed my aunt that I wouldn't be able to make it. Disappointed but to tell the truth, I was almost as thankful to stay in this gray, rainy, sleety day as I would have been to enjoy the company of family.

Relief, Please

Half day of school for the kids. Five showed up. Five. We did some turkey art and they helped me organize our classroom library. The district bought us lunch, we had a short meeting and she let us go home an hour and a half early. Being a teacher rocks!



However, I've been coughing like a barking seal for a week and a half and today came home with full on congestion and violent coughing to the point of gagging sometimes. Not to mention when I have my feet up here at home I cough non-stop. I've been using a nettie pot but it only relieves symptoms short term. I called the dr and what they recommended, the pharmacist recommended against. I've ended up taking clortrimeton and vick's vaporub. Ergg. Gross stuff but I'll do anything for relief that won't harm my baby.

Terrified to take anything, terrified to do nothing and let the symptoms roll out of control.

Not to mention that I've had to change underpants about 10 times since I got home because I dribbled. Errrgggg....

Praying my Sweet Pea is ok.

Feeling Fluffy

A student told me today that I looked fluffier than usual. Then he asked me if my shirt was actually a coat. The kids do not know I'm expecting but I'm surprised some of them haven't figured it out from random conversations they've heard between me and other adults. Just yesterday, the other pregnant teacher came into my classroom to ask if I had any Tums and we talked for about 10 minutes about feeling the baby move. She has felt her baby move already although she's three weeks behind me in pregnancy. My students were busy with some work but some were close enough to hear. I'm planning on telling them sometime after Christmas break. I can't wait to see what their reactions might be.

Waiting For Flutters

I'm 18 weeks pregnant!! But I still haven't felt the baby move. I did think I felt a couple flutters a week or so ago but nothing at all since then. I've had terrible sinus drainage that has caused a deep cough. Could that somehow damage a baby? I know that we fat chicks have to wait a little longer to feel movement so I'm trying not to worry.

Yesterday, Mom went with me to the Hardware Megamart to price kitchen cabinets. I was really shocked that the quality and the pricing was comparable to the other small kitchen design place that I've consulted. Also, the service was actually better with Megamart Guy than with the Kitchen Designer. KD took two weeks to get my designs back to me and was working on a 1995 computer with the old blue and grey screen and big block letters. KD was also highly distractable and would go off on unrelated topics. MG was focused and really seemed to know what he was talking about. He got my designs which included 3-D drawings and quotes back to me within hours and had every option priced out. This kitchen is very small and will be small even with a wall knocked down. It's been difficult because I have Mom, Dad and E making suggestions and there are so many ways it could be done. These are choices I'll have to live with for a long time and I have limited funds so I must make my choices carefully.

Last night, I was able to go to the Melting Pot to celebrate an ex-coworkers birthday. I normally wouldn't have gone because I'm not very close to the birthday girl but another co-worker was going and we've been trying to go to the Melting Pot together for ages so we took this opportunity to experience it together and celebrate her birthday with her. Awesome experience and great food. I'm trying to get my aunt and cousins to go during the holidays.

Mom and Dad came over for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner today. However, when Dad cut into the turkey breast it was raw in the middle. Not sure what went wrong since I followed the directions on the package. Must be the oven, I really do need a new kitchen! Anyway, in a style true to our family, we ate dessert and then Dad went with me back to the Hardware Megamart.

He and my brother will be doing most of the work for the kitchen remodel so I think Dad wanted to reassure himself that MG knows what he's talking about and that the materials were quality. I've never opened and shut so many doors and drawers in my life. Dad seemed pleased with what MG had to say and with the materials. MG even answered our question about venting the stove which has been a big challenge.

When we got back to my house, my mom was warming up the side dishes and the turkey was done to perfection. As a warm up to the biggest eating day of the year, I'd say it was a success even though the food was served three hours late. I'm thinking another piece of pumpkin pie dessert will make the perfect late supper.

Oh and remember that two pounds I dropped?
They are now mocking me from my hips with three or four of their best friends.

Food

I don't know why, but I had an urge to get on the scale this morning. I'm down two pounds. Normally a cause for cheer. Not a cause for worry, though. Pregnancy has created a new era. It's the first time in my adult life that I haven't either been binging or dieting. I eat when I'm hungry and stop eating when I feel full. I try to get in a few fruits and vegetables a day but otherwise eat what I want. I'm able to eat a cookie or two and feel satisfied. I don't constantly think about the next meal. I don't shovel junk into my mouth so fast that I barely taste it. The only food related worry I have is avoiding pregnancy no-nos and wondering if my baby is getting what it needs.

I've never been able to do this for myself.
Thankfully I've been able to do it for my baby.

Barf and Blood

The day started with a child barfing in the doorway of my classroom. Stomach bug strikes yet again. Hopefully it's hit just about every kid (and not me) and is on it's way out.

But the day ended with celebrating my cousin, K's 35th birthday with a small bonfire at her house. I love how, even though we don't see each other for months at a time, it's as though we only saw each other yesterday. So many laughs and good memories. With Aunt Alys' birthday being yesterday, we had a good session of reminiscing. Mom especially went on and on about how Aunt Alys and Grandpa died. And that they "live" in her dining room. Huh?? I've never heard this from her before and I think K's other non-related friends might think we're a bit creepy. I guess Mom sees flashes of white or something that she thinks is the spirit of Aunt Alys, Aunt Coco and her parents. I don't know, she sounded a bit, ummm, nuts when she was talking about it. I know she misses them all terribly and still grieves deeply although they have all been gone for quite a few years now.

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I went back to the doctor's office today and they got the blood from one stick but it was a slow bleed and they barely got enough. I never had this problem before pregnancy.

When I was there yesterday I overheard the nurses talking and they said there were 62 appointments that day. I am shocked that there could be that many for one doctor and one assistant. No wonder I sometimes have to wait over an hour. I've always felt very well cared for there, as I've talked about before, and Dr. Hottie never seems rushed. How can the time be spread that thin? I did the math and if he sees patients for seven hours (which I doubt) then that time divided by 62 patients would leave 6.7 minutes for each patient. I have had many appointments at that office in the past year and have never spent less than 15 talking to the doctor. Usually more. The logistics are mind boggling. Now I understand why the nurses seem stressed out and harried.

Joyful Sound

Wonderful check up at Dr. Hottie's with his physician's assistant. No weight gain and blood pressure was 118/80. Baby's was heart beating at 158. I will never in my life hear a more joyful sound.

I was supposed to have blood drawn for the quad genetic screening but they stuck me 6 times and couldn't get the blood to flow. Every nurse in the place came into the room to either try to stick me or "consult". The other doctor in the practice even popped in wondering what was going on. It was like a bad joke, "How many nurses does it take to get blood from a fat girl?" They could get a vein but it would only provide a few drops and then stop. I have to drink a lot of fluids and go back tomorrow.

Next appointment is December 2 and will include the ultrasound showing gender if we're lucky.

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Only a residual icky feeling left from meeting with pastor jackass. A bad memory that will fade over time. I am sad, however, that I'm being forced to leave the church where I've worshiped my whole life, but I know it's long overdue. This church hasn't really met my spiritual needs for years.

I emailed back and forth with my aunt and her words were a great comfort to me especially being that she's one of the most religious people I know. I told my mom and she was horrified and didn't know where to start to support me. Every time she would say something, I would tell her something else the bastard had to say and her mouth would drop open. She assured me of what I already know, that what he said was not true and what a shame he couldn't celebrate our miracle with the rest of us. She reminded me of how she felt about the closed minded conservativeness in our area and that this sort of thing was why she'd stopped going to church many years ago.

I wasn't going to tell my brother, he's one of the least religious people I know and has not made God a priority in his family but he must have known something was off because he kept asking me what was going on. He was supportive in a humorous kind of way and said that I should drop a check in the collection plate and write on it, "If you cash this, you are the worst kind of hypocrite."

My sweet, quiet, stoic father didn't know what to say. It was like he couldn't believe it had happened. But in the end, in between stretches of silence, he did say he thought what the pastor had to say was bullshit and that he, my Dad, didn't believe that way at all. He said he was glad I'd had a few things to say back to him. He said if the preacher continued to try and communicate with me I should be sure and hand his crap back right back to him.

I think Dad was angry and shocked but as usual didn't or couldn't convey that to me. I told him I was not going back to that place and that if he did he should know they think his grandchild is a sin. He said he understood that I felt that way but that I should consider that the people attending the church didn't think that way, only the preacher. I think he's right on this matter. The members are good people who I've known my whole life and I'm sure they would also be shocked to find out this "leader's" opinion but it doesn't matter. I won't go back there.

Funny, I didn't think Dad had said much but reading back over this it seems he said a lot. I'm sure Dad and I will speak of this again. Dad will take time to ponder it all and will want to discuss it again. He does this, I think, trying to convey emotion that he doesn't know how else to express except through calm discussion. Disappointingly, I don't think anything will change for him except that I won't be attending church with him and therefore he won't go as often. We haven't been diligent about attending since my grandma passed away but I'm sad to lose this time with him.

Thank you blog sisters for being so wonderful. I read your comments over and over all evening and in the wee hours when I couldn't sleep. You helped me I work through the emotional fallout of this horrible incident. You were sad, angry, comforting, loving and strong on my behalf when I didn't know what to feel for myself. I love you all.

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Today would have been my beloved Aunt Alys' 100th birthday. We would always go to the Veteran's Day parade and then drop by her house to celebrate her birthday. Even though it was a casual celebration she was always dressed to the nines with her best jewelry on, beautiful white hair done and the best china on the table, ready to greet us. I still miss her and think of her often.

Clever Title Here

I sent two children home today with stomachaches and there were a few absent as well. I'm praying my teacher's immune system is able to keep me protected from all my germy little students. I'm having a time with my boys. I have two passes hung by the door and the kids know that if one pass is gone they have to wait because only one person can be gone from the room at a time and they know they can only invoke this privilege at certain times (not when I'm teaching). Those little stinkers have been randomly sneaking out of the room and "going to the bathroom". What the heck they do in there, I have no idea. I revoked their pass privileges today. They have to ask me individually to use the bathroom until they show me they can be responsible. Grr

When I was driving past my parents' on the way home, I saw Dollface sitting in the middle of their long driveway crying. Thinking she was hurt, I stopped. When I got out of the car she cried out, "Maw Maw gets too much mail!" Her job is to get the mail everyday as she gets off the bus and I guess today it was a very big job. It was scattered all around her. I guess as she walked a piece would drop and when she would try to pick it up a different piece would fall. She had thrown everything down in frustration and was just bawling. I dried her tears and rolled the mail up in a tight roll she could carry and sent her on her way.

I showed my parents my big list of names. They had the opposite reaction that I thought they would. Mom was very supportive and said she liked them all but gently tried to steer me away from the harder sounding names like Kent and Clint. Dad was quite critical in a humorous way, saying things like, "Weston is a hotel chain." and "Willow is a tree not a girl's name." I thought my mom would have been the critical one and my dad the more neutral one.

Dad also asked that I do not use a common name. His name is William and another boy in his grade was also William. He was told that he would be called William and the other boy Billy. It was like that until after high school and he hated being told what he would be called. His uncle called him Cottontop for his white blond hair and around the family they called him Billy, Cottontop or just Cotton. I can still hear my grandma's voice when she would say "William" to get after her adult son. I love the story but I hope my kid doesn't end up with a nickname like that.

I also shared the list at work and I'm having fun seeing what people "vote" for. I need all the help I can get. Can't believe someone's letting me name a kid.

Desk Fairy

Ok, so I'm a big, fat liar. A few weeks ago I got sick of battling the case of the missing school supplies. The pencils and other school supplies that I have available for my students would not return themselves to the community baskets. So one night I cleaned out all the kids desks, recovering said supplies as well as filling up two trash cans. I also rearranged their desks because, well, it was just time. The next morning the whole class was just in awe. Surprised and wondering WHO could have done THIS? I don't know what made me say it. It's not like I had spent time creating this big myth. When they asked, I just said..."Looks like the desk fairy was here last night." That's all.

Well, I've been hearing them talking amongst themselves about it now for weeks. Somehow they keep getting more information out of me about this desk fairy. One girl asked me if he was small with wings. I said, "Oh no, he moves desks after all. He's a big fairy." And somehow they got the idea that if the desk fairy comes and finds a clean desk he'll leave a treat inside the desk. And today it happened. I was having a hard time getting them to clean up the classroom at the end of the day and... I just said it. "The desk fairy might come tonight." That got them moving but was it really right of me? Don't know but it's fairly amusing.

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I was remembering when E and C brought Stretch home as a newborn. They lived in a very small home at the time. I remember that I laughed because although they had the bassinet in the room beside their bedroom next to a doorway into their bedroom, they still had a baby monitor right next to her head and the receiver right next to their bed. I wondered if they thought they wouldn't hear an infant screaming that nearby without the monitor.

It's all perspective, isn't it. Now I'm planning to have the bassinet within arms reach because I'm a very deep sleeper and I'm scared I won't hear the baby crying and it will starve before morning. I don't have a back up person to shake me awake and say, "Hey, wake up! The baby needs you." I know, I know, I'm supposed to have that mother thing awaken within me that helps me listen while I sleep. But what if that switch doesn't turn on for me?

I shared that with my mom when she stopped by this evening. She got quite sentimental talking about when they brought me home. She said when you come home that first day, everything's so upside down and different. Your home doesn't look the same. Everything's so new and you're not sure what to do. She said she didn't even know how to change a diaper before I was born. They had the bassinet in their bedroom and she didn't get any sleep at all that first night because she listened for every breath and the pampers at the time made a crinkly sound with every move. She said she was tensed and ready to leap out of bed at any moment. The next night the bassinet was moved to the dining room. She had such a soft look on her face as she was talking about it. Not a side of my mother we see very often.

Names

This list of potential names is really getting ridiculous. I added another name a few days ago and decided that was it. No more. I'm going to have a tough enough time making this very important decision. I see Dr. H next week and if I'm lucky, I could possibly know if my Sweet Pea is a boy or girl. Soo exciting! And it will cut the list by half.

In no particular order:

Boy Names
Elliott
Silas
Clint
Eli
Wyatt
Greyson
Laine
Kent
Reed
Collin
Sawyer

Daniel
Cort
Ewan

William
Landon
Mitch
Victor
Trevor
Weston
Everett

Girl Names
Summer
Autumn
Zaiba
Rayna
Elizabeth
Lila
Quinn
Laine
Reed
Teagan
Harper
Kailen
Lyrica
Willow
Skylar

Feel free to weigh in.

Church and Persimmons

I was pretty much a lazy bum all day yesterday. Couldn't rouse myself to do any of the thousand things I need to be doing to get ready for Sweet Pea. In the early evening I took some trash over to my parents' dumpster and was going to hit the bike trail so the day wouldn't be a complete waste, physically speaking. Dad was sitting on the back porch steps and I joined him for a while. It is remarkable that the moment harvest is over, Dad is himself again. All the boys are immediately more relaxed and not on edge or impatient at all, as they can be during the high pressure time of harvest. I think this is the first time we've chatted like that for weeks. Dusk approached and it was too late to walk on the bike trail. Dad asked me to run to the store and pick up a few things for tacos while he got the meat ready. We had a nice visit while we ate supper together. Mom had been working at E's new house and joined us toward the end.

Unfortunately, the tacos didn't agree with me. It was really weird. My dog, Clara, was laying on her blanket, minding her own business but I could smell the last thing she'd eaten when I walked past her. Something with garlic. As I went close to her to give a good night rub, the smell overcame me and I had to run to the bathroom and throw up. Who gets nauseous in the second trimester? That would be me.

Dad and I went to church this morning and I was a little nervous about telling people there that I was expecting. This is a very small, conservative, country church and people there can be very judgemental. I want to be clear that I don't care what anyone thinks about my life decisions and that I'm not one bit ashamed about anything I've done. I get nervous about how to react to someone being judgy, though. I don't ever want my kid to think that I'm embarrassed about how I came to be a mother and I want to show that in my reactions starting now. It's a difficult line to walk, though. You can't just tell someone at church that you've known your whole life to go jump in a lake if they pass judgement. Grace and dignity are called for. Anyway, all that to say, there really was no problem. Everyone seemed really happy for me and no one asked about the father.

I told the preacher as I was shaking hands with him on the way out.
Me: I wanted you to know I'm expecting.
Preach: (grabbing my hand with both his)
You're kidding me!
Me: No, I'm very serious!
Preach: Congratulations! Give me a call very soon.
It doesn't read that way, but he was really goofy about it. What could he want to talk to me about at this point? I hope it's as simple as talking about baptism which seems way in the future but it might be talking to me about being unmarried and sin.

There are some things I really can't stand about my church. But it's hard to contemplate finding a new church home when I've gone there my entire life. And it goes even deeper, this church was founded by my great grandparents who held the first services in their home, which is now my parents' home. I consider everyone there family.

We picked up Mom and met E, C and Dollface for breakfast. Stretch had spent the night with a friend. We have the tradition of celebrating the end of harvest by going out to eat usually for supper but this year it worked out as breakfast. As a child, this would be one of the two or three times per year that our family would eat at a restaurant. We looked forward to it every year. Still do.

E and C were planning a big painting day at their new house so I brought Dollface home with me. We decorated Halloween cookies. They each have about an inch of frosting and layers of candy. Fun to decorate, not sure about actually eating them. Afterwards, we walked over to the farm and played with the kittens, rode tractor with Paw Paw to feed cows(her not me), helped gather pecans and persimmons.

Someone at church had mentioned finding spoons in all the persimmons this year. If you cut the seed open, lengthwise, you'll find the shape of a spoon, a fork or a knife in the middle of the seed. A spoon means you'll need a shovel all winter because there will be lots of snow. A knife means the winter's cold winds will cut like a knife. A fork means a winter of mild weather. Our persimmons all had spoons too. Not sure if the old tales are true but it's kind of amusing to play around with. I warned DollFace NOT to eat the persimmons off the tree. Only the ones on the ground that look sort of squishy are good to eat. Just like we all did at her age, she just HAD to try one off the tree. Funny sour face! I will always remember my first (and only) taste of unripe persimmon. Ugghh!

Now kicking back and finishing season 2 of Lost.

It's A Long One

It's been a long week and I'm tired. So much to write about yet nothing much going on. Class on Tuesday, always a long day. I was able to talk to the professor about next semester. She said no problem, I'd just have to double up on tutoring sessions in the first part of the semester. Also, someone in class asked me if "the daddy was happy?". I had a giggle with that one. I guess he is happy walking around California somewhere with some extra cash in his pocket. What I actually said was my standard line about having the baby on my own.

Wednesday was half day for the kids and we "cooked" a recipe to end our unit on families. The kids each brought in a family recipe and we made a first grade family cookbook. The recipe was just nachos but we had fun. Professional development for the remainder of the day for me. Kind of boring but it was only 2 hours.

Thursday the kids were dismissed one hour early but we had to stay all evening for parent/teacher conferences. A very long day. I'm pretty sure my first parent was high. He kept using my name over and over. "Ms. B. I wanted to come to Real Men Read, Ms. B. but Ms. B. I had a court date, Ms. B." I wanted to ask if the court date was for possession. My second parent was the mother of one of my students who is very low academically. As I was explaining his low test scores, she started to cry and talk about how she's been moving around a lot lately and that Rico had a lot of trauma at birth. God, working in the ghetto sometimes really sucks. It is difficult to remember that even the unstable parents are doing the best they can. The positive thing is that the rest of my conferences were with wonderful, supportive, happy parents.

Today was another half day of conferences and then off at 12. Yay. I met my mom for lunch and then we started the process of remodeling my kitchen. Double yay! This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time and I'm excited to finally be starting the process. We talked to a very good kitchen designer and I'm relieved to be in the hands of a professional. I'm not good at making these big choices and although I've been thinking about this project for a long time I really had no idea what I wanted. I joked that if only someone would combine the styles of arts and crafts, French country and kitschy vintage the choices would be really simple. This designer was able to ask me questions and show me choices that I liked. The decisions to be made don't seem so intimidating now. She's coming next week to measure and talk about layout.

This evening I walked over to the farm and was able to ride a few rounds on the combine with my brother. They literally have a few hours of combining beans left and then this year's harvest will be finished. Everyone will be happy about that. A series of equipment breakdowns has made it a long season this year. E told me this was the fifth combine he's driven this year.

I don't know why it would suddenly hit this week but I'm finding myself lonely for a gentleman's company. I haven't missed or thought much about men at all in months. It's not just sex I'm craving although Lawd knows I'm horny as hell. I'm craving those hallmark moments of intimacy. Someone to caress my pregnant belly and talk to the baby or someone who will calm me down when I'm freaking about potty training, who will say, "Don't worry, we're in this together." I have absolutely no regrets about pursuing motherhood on my own and I think I'll be a good mother. This is just how my life turned out. Not perfect, but I'm lucky to be experiencing a dream come true in whatever form it takes.

On the pregnancy front, hmmm, nothing really new. I'm still burping up a storm and that is still really my only symptom other than a rare upset stomach. Sometimes I think my boobs are getting not bigger but maybe a little firmer. Who knows for sure? One can only fondle one's self so much trying to assess the state of the boobs. Wonder if this means I'll have trouble with milk or feeding.

Otherwise the perpetual freak out continues only milder. My cousin mentioned something about potty training and I thought, "Oh God, I'm going to have to potty train someone." My friend talks about how sippy cups drip all over the place and roll under the couch until they stink and have to be thrown out. My thought? "My home is going to be sticky for years." All in good fun now. Still feeling unprepared but can laugh about it and know that I'm learning. The biggest part of me yearns for all this and more. Bring on motherhood! Ready or not!!

Conquering The Baby Department

Despite the crazytrain emotional or mental or whatever block I've been having, I managed to walk into through the baby department at my local megamart and I only had a very small anxiety attack. I don't what my damm problem is. Most people look forward to getting tons of new stuff. I look at all that stuff and I just feel overwhelmed and underinformed. Jeez...the baby will need stuff. I have to be responsible for choosing that stuff. I have to be doing research on said stuff. I want my baby to have what it needs.

Then I ran into an acquaintance from high school. I told her I was pregnant and she said she "didn't even know I was married". First time I've run into that. Guess I'll have to get used to it. I just said, "Oh I'm not married, I'm having the baby on my own." The look on her face said, "Oh, an accident" But before she could say anything I said I was very excited about expecting a baby. I'm thinking it's going to be an ongoing thing to handle these situations without choking someone with ladylike grace.

I did manage to buy a little something for my Sweet Pea.
See, I can provide.
I will provide.
God, help me provide.

How I Told On FB

For Shannon --


I posted this for my status --
FAQs:
Q: Why have you been so happy lately?
A: I'M PREGNANT and very excited about it!
Q: How far along?
A: 13 weeks
Q: When is your due date?
A: April 25, 2011

Comments--
Jenni, Desiree, Mary and 7 others like this..
Melissa: Uh oh...it's facebook official!!!! ha ha! I miss you Paige and now that my life is settled let's have a get together, OK? Hope you're not sick or feeling way tired. :)
Laurel: Our clan is super excited for you.
Carrie: It's about time you posted this :)
Beverly: Wow!! Congrats!!
Colleen: yay! congrats :)
Kelli: WooHoooooooo......what a wonderful blessing!!! So very happy for you, Paige!!! You will be an amazing mother!!! :D
Becky: Can't wait... your baby is going to have way tooooo many aunties! Yea!!!!!
Renie: Yep.... And they are not all going to be teachers! This kid is going to be well rounded!
Becky: Aww come on Renie... you'll be a teacher too!
Linda: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joi: Yay! It's out in the open!!! I am still SO VERY happy for you! I agree with Melissa, let's get together and celebrate!!! : D
Samantha: YAY PAIGE!!!
Melissa: Yay! I'm so happy for you! You will be an amazing mama! Please keep us posted with ultrasound pics and exciting news!
Sheila: PAIGE! I am so very happy for you! Big hugs and kisses!
Becky: Congrats!
Leigh Ann: Congrats paige I'm so happy for you
Desiree: Congrats! Congrats! So happy for you! What a blessing!

The World Knows

My cousin was in town and I had her over for dinner along with my mom and C. This is a cousin who stayed with me for a while after she left her jackass husband so we're pretty close. During the time she was staying with me I was in the thinking stage of becoming a SMC so she knew the groundwork. I was waiting for her to come into town so I could tell her in person. Funny, she was chattering and looking around my home so much I could barely get a word in edgewise to tell her. She was the last one to be told and was so delighted.

This cousin is a very talented artist and right away wanted to paint Sweet Pea a "prayer chair". These are little chairs she paints beautifully with scenes and scripture and the child is supposed to sit there during time out and "pray" but really it's a decorative item. I had a child's chair in my basement that I previously used as a plant stand and she took it with her. She's extremely busy since the divorce with her regular job and trying to get a business off the ground so I'm not sure if she'll really have time to paint it but I love that she offered and insisted on taking the chair with her.

Also, it's now Face.Book official. I put it on my status this morning so truly the WORLD now knows. Even to the last person, I've been in awe of just how happy and excited a person can be for another. I've felt such love during this phase of revealing that I'm on my way to motherhood.
Now, I'll have to go cold turkey to break my addiction to the shock and awe method of telling people I'm expecting and seeing the wonderful, excited, surprised reactions.

Can't wait to see what the second trimester brings!