Food

I don't know why, but I had an urge to get on the scale this morning. I'm down two pounds. Normally a cause for cheer. Not a cause for worry, though. Pregnancy has created a new era. It's the first time in my adult life that I haven't either been binging or dieting. I eat when I'm hungry and stop eating when I feel full. I try to get in a few fruits and vegetables a day but otherwise eat what I want. I'm able to eat a cookie or two and feel satisfied. I don't constantly think about the next meal. I don't shovel junk into my mouth so fast that I barely taste it. The only food related worry I have is avoiding pregnancy no-nos and wondering if my baby is getting what it needs.

I've never been able to do this for myself.
Thankfully I've been able to do it for my baby.

Busted Butt, Busted Tire

S is one week out of surgery and doing well. Sh, R and I were able to visit her today at her parent's house where she's been staying. She had to go back to the hospital Monday for low potassium and hemoglobin but other than those mild complications, she's doing well. She's in good spirits and seems really happy. Excited about the future.

And I'm glad to say I'm happy for her. I think I've moved through my negative emotions for the most part and realized...yes, she'll be skinny and able to wear cute clothes and I'll probably be a little jealous of that. Most importantly her health will improve. She's already halved her blood sugar levels and hopes to be off insulin soon. That is what is most important here.

She's already lost 40 pounds including the pre-surgery protein shake diet weight loss. It took me most of last year to lose that much. But I'm happy for her....really!

I've been busting my butt for the last week and only lost 1.8 pounds. Literally busting my butt on that bike seat! It's a loss and that's great but I have been working really hard both on exercise and nutrition. I expected a bigger loss.

I've been busting my butt and tonight my butt busted my bike tire. My first flat as an adult. Thankfully only 3 miles out and I was able to walk it home. Pushing a bike is good exercise too! My dad dug right into fixing it. It was so pleasant to be there outside the warehouse chatting while he tried to fix the tire. Beautiful cool breeze, nice break in the humid weather. But the tire had given it's all. Dad took me right into town to get a new one and treated me to supper at the Bread Company. For some reason, I feel like I should treasure the memory of this night.

TTD while TTC

I'm making a list in hopes of motivating myself to stay busy and keeping myself accountable. It is so easy for me to fall into the habit of just laying around watching TV or reading all day. Part of the reason I got so fat.

• enter CPUs in the board of ed website
• clean up porch
• paint and recover chair and stool
• paint and hang picture ledge
• frame pictures
• wash windows
• organize pantry
• organize and clean basement
• clean out little dresser in bedroom
• sweep and clean garage
• wipe cabinets and deep scrub kitchen
• paint hallway
• figure out how to get music from ipod to new 'puter
• sell old books and CDs on Amazon
• dispose of old computer and set up "new" desk area

Wow, I realize this list looks like I live in a pig sty. Oh well, I am pretty messy and things pile up during the school year, time to shovel out and get "in the corners" clean.

I would also like to take my special girls someplace each week.

• Zoo
• Butterfly House
• Kramer's Marionettes
• Magic House
• Splash City
• Drive In Movies

I have a goal of exercising at least 5 days a week. Bike ride or walk or water aerobics. I would really like to lose at least 10 more pounds before my embryo transfer in one month.

One month from today I will be turning 39. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I'd still be childless at 39. Even when I started TTC over 2 years ago, I never thought I would be arriving at this birthday without my child in my arms. Please, please, please let me receive the greatest gift of my life in one month. Please.

I'm A Cougar!

Fabulous day! End of summer school. AND we got paid for it! My mind was racing spending all that dough...but I know I'll be spending most of it on fertility treatments. Good to feel rich for a short while though. I'm so looking forward to this break.

Eclipse was fabulous!! Definitely the best of the Twilight series so far. So romantic with plenty of action. Great special effects. Team Edward or Team Jacob? Well, I'll just say Jacob was so completely ripped that my eyes bugged out when I saw him. Guess I'm officially a cougar. Fun to see it with a big group.

I've lost 10 pounds in the last three weeks. Wahoo! I hope I can continue. We went to Shogun tonight after the movie and I ate till I was about to burst. I was so uncomfortable. I noticed at our table of 7 people I was the only one who didn't take any food home. Why didn't I notice I was full and STOP? Insanely, I thought about getting ice cream on the way home. It simply is not normal to eat that much food, and then even think about more.

I've been thinking about all the emotions I've been having involving S's surgery. I think part of it is that I wonder if people are looking at me and thinking She should really be having that surgery too. I feel defensive when I talk to anyone about her surgery and have to be really careful about what I say and my tone of voice. I feel like I should explain: There is absolutely nothing wrong with the digestive system God gave me. Even though I'm very obese, I'm healthy and none of my doctors have ever mentioned gastric bypass for me. It is clear to me that my problem is not just the size of my stomach. A surgery won't cure my emotional dependence on food. I'm learning more about my food addiction everyday and still have a few good weight loss tries in me. Although I would love to drop 100 pounds very quickly, being able to wear cute clothes is just not enough of a reason to have a serious surgery. Wish I could have all that printed on a t-shirt.

The Eclipse of Summer School is Nigh

Tomorrow is the last day of summer school. I'm glad I taught kindergarten for the summer. One day we were talking about what we had eaten for supper the night before, one little boy said he'd eaten rooster. How could you not love that? I'm glad it's over, though. I'm ready for a break. For the next few weeks I'm going to do what I want to do. Fewer and fewer kids come everyday, but we're planning a little celebration for the ones who do show up tomorrow.

S. had gastric bypass surgery today. I just heard from our friend R. that she's back in her room and drugged up but doing well. I've gotten together a big basket of stuff to bring to her when she's home, magazines, soft foods, silly straws for the liquids she'll have to consume for a while. I have to keep reminding myself that surgery is not an easy road either and that she had many health problems which led her to the decision to have surgery. It's not just about wearing cute clothes. I know I'll struggle with jealousy as the pounds melt off her. I keep thinking I won't be able to share or get support for all the problems an obese person has to face everyday. We became really close sharing those things. I'm already struggling and have to watch what I say to her. I'm happy for her, I really am, really! but when I have these emotions I feel like a rotten friend.

I'm seeing Eclipse tomorrow with about 20 people from work. We all read the books together, got caught up in Twilight fever together, constantly argue the sexiness of Team Edwards vs. Team Jacob and saw the previous two movies together. One time in the middle of a staff meeting one teacher said, "I know this is not relevant to the curriculum but does Edward have fangs?" It's been a lot of fun. It was a one of a kind experience to be at the opening show of the first Twilight with that many people. You couldn't help but get caught up in the fervor.

Fertility: Well, I'm finally "on" the calendar and have earned 3 gold stars for doing exactly what I have been doing for weeks. Prenatal vitamin...big flippin' deal. Still waiting...waiting...waiting and not thinking about it much except for wondering if the time to start my family will ever get here. Oh and I made an appointment with an acupuncturist. I'll be driving an hour to get to each treatment.

Weight loss: Doing well with exercise, and doing ok with nutrition. I've been at this for three weeks. Tomorrow is official weigh in.....stay tuned.

Beautiful Saturday Update

It's a beautiful, warm Saturday here in the Midwest. I've already taken my bike ride. I've been keeping on the program for a week and a half now and I have to say I feel great. I can't believe how much more clear-minded and less worrisome I feel when I do what is good for me. Still have the moment here and there but for the most part I really like me when I'm treating my self well. Why can't I do it all the time??

A week and a half left of summer school. I still think the little buggers are precious and all but I'm ready for a break.

Same thing with grad classes. Two more class nights and then I'm free. This semester we were assigned a student and had to assess them, consider their strengths and weaknesses and design a plan for them. We will use the plan to tutor them as part of our fall class. My little boy is very quiet and shy. I'll be meeting with his parents on Monday to present the assessment report to them. The student is from a small town near my small town. It turns out the boy's step-dad went to school with my brother and his reading teacher at school is the mother of someone I went to school with and had a major crush on. Small world.

My mom finally went to the doctor. She probably has gall bladder problems. She has to go in for some further scans but I think we are all extremely relieved to have some sort of diagnosis.

E and family left Thursday for a vacation resort in Texas. I can't remember where. Can't wait for July when they'll be back and I'll have some free time to spend with my favorite girls.


Last night I went to the fabulous Fox theater with some friends from school and saw.....

I was totally blown away!!! I feel as though a fundamental belief from my childhood has been shaken! Good and evil will never seem the same. Wicked Witch of the West NOT evil? Glinda not entirely GOOD? I was fascinated by all the twisters and turns and little hints and inside jokes alluding to what I know of The Wizard of Oz. I could watch it again and again. It might edge out Phantom as my favorite musical.

They have been working all week at mowing, raking and chopping the alfalfa in the field behind my house and the sweet, sweet smell has been wafting in my windows all week. One of those things you don't realize you enjoy so much until it happens the first time in the early summer. Now, I'm going to catch up with all my blogging friends, enjoy a magazine from cover to cover and do some homework.

Life is good, good, good!

Butt Kicking Bike Seat

I've done well. I've had a bike ride 4 out of the last 5 days and tracked food everyday and stayed within my calorie range.

The bike is kicking my butt. Yesterday, I thought I'd overdone it. The last two miles...I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it and would have to walk. But I did stay on the bike although my muscles were screaming and my vajayjay was trying to eat the bike seat. There was some pain there. Any thoughts on bicycling while TTC? I'll die if it somehow effects getting pregnant. I already have one of those extra big, soft bike seats. For me, there is a lot and I mean A LOT of weight balanced on that delicate body part when I'm on a bike. Can the uterus or uterine lining somehow be effected by all that weight and pressure for that period of time? Can it be squashed or somehow damaged? Jeez...the things I have to consider right now.

I'm starting to worry about the month of July. I won't be working and will be on the serious drugs. It's so difficult for me to keep myself busy during time off. How will I manage while on Lupron, etc? How will I keep my drugged out Crazy Train Brain occupied?

Mom and Dad are discontinuing use of their safe deposit box and gave me my birth certificate and some savings bonds from when I was born. My birth certificate was so small. About the size of an index card folded into a little envelope. I've never seen one like that before. Dad joked that the county was on a tight budget that year.

Mom gave me some beautiful summer squash. The first garden produce. Lovely.

These are the mudane but lovely details of the weekend. Why is it that sometimes when I have a quiet weekend alone, I'm miserable and other times I revel in it?

Flashing Lights

I stepped on the scale 3 days ago, things aren't as bad as I feared. I'm the same weight I've been for the past 3 months or so. I guess I've had enough good days to balance the bad, nutritionally speaking. I'm thinking high blood pressure is creeping up on me. I woke up the day after my last post and briefly saw flashing white lights in my peripheral vision. I had this one time before during an extremely stressful time. And I don't know how to explain it, but I feel the blood rushing through my veins sometimes. I can feel it pounding in my ears or lips. It's weird. This flashing light thing has terrified me. I've exercised 2 of the last three days, and gone back to tracking food online. Only 3 days in but I feel immensely better already, physically and in frame of mind. As I've said before, gotta start somewhere. I'm praying that I can stick with it and the flashing lights stay away.

Mom, C and I had dinner with our dear cousin P tonight. A few years ago she stayed with me when she was having a rough time. Soon afterward she moved 5 hours north and I miss her. It was so good to visit with her.

Haha Hoho Hehe

So today started off pretty well, I put on some music and had to laugh when I hit shuffle on my ipod and this song:

popped up. I really had a chuckle. Haha, hoho, hehe. Considering I wrote about feeling mentally ill yesterday. I had a pretty good morning. Got a lot of things done on my list. I was really looking forward to taking the girls to the drive in movies tonight and the zoo tomorrow.

Around noon C called to say that Stretch had gone to a water park with a friend and she wouldn't be able to go to the drive in with me as we had planned, but did I still want to take DollFace. She said Stretch had spent the night with this friend and the mom had just taken them to the water park and C didn't know about it until now when she'd just called. I'm really doubting this is true. Would a mother just take another child somewhere like that without asking the other mother's permission? I know this is a new friend for Stretch. Anyway, I was very disappointed. It seems I'm always the one brushed aside.

Biggest Loser style I went for a walk and decided to really push myself.

I fell down.

My ankle gave way and I fell down. I was on the bike trail, no one around, what could they do for a person of my size anyway? I'm relieved there was no one to see me start wailing. It was just more than I could take. Road rash on knees and hands, ankle throbbing I made my way back home. I think adrenaline kicked in because it hurts more now. It's probably minor, be ok in a day or two. The worst part is that I won't be able to take the girls to the zoo tomorrow as I had planned.

Now, even though it's 5pm, I've showered, taken ibuprofen and I'm in my jammies.

Can this weekend please be over. Soon.

Crabby Pants

A discontented, crabby day. What the heck is wrong with me? It is as though those things that usually make people happy have the opposite effect on me. Here I have a few days off and today seemed so long, I would start something and then become disinterested. C had invited me to their campground to hang out at the lake but I didn't go. The house is a pit but I didn't do any cleaning other than dishes. I am so fed up with my eating program, I want to quit. I've been forcing myself to eat things I don't really care for because they are good for me. I would tell myself it's like medicine and I'd down the vegetables. It was fine while I was at work, but here, with nothing to distract me? Yuck! I only gagged down a few bites of lunch and was having mad, mad cravings and was so hungry and literally unable to distract myself. I finally downed a spoonful of peanut butter but that didn't stop me. Only a kitkat did that. Why do I make it so drastic? I always do this and I always fail. grrrrrrrrrrrr I feel mentally ill and not myself.

I don't understand what happened? Yesterday I was so relaxed and feeling good about becoming healthier. Today I'm on Crazy Train. I'm making a list of things to do tomorrow. And I have to figure out what to do about my meals. I can't just keep eating stuff I don't like.

It's Official, I'm A Cyclist!

I did it! Today after four false starts, I not only set the alarm, got up and got dressed but I actually got on my bike and rode it. Finally! I didn't go very far but I didn't push myself either. I wanted to start with a short distance so that in the future I can gauge how far to go in the time I have. I did it!

Last day of school! I really need a break. My co-workers were on my nerves big time this week. Or I could have just been grumpy because I've been waking up an hour early each day and it's been very hot in the school building. Now, four glorious days off....

Weary Wednesday for Real This Time

Wow....did I really do this? Did I really title my blog post Weary Wednesday, when it was actually Tiring Tuesday? There must be a lot going on for me to make a goof like that. Today was the last day with kids at school. It was a fun celebration day with different stations set up at a nearby park. I woke up convinced it was Friday and got really upset for a few seconds when I logged onto my bank account and saw that my paycheck had not been deposited. I feel like such a moron.

Still doing well with eating healthy. Again got up at 4:45 and did not get on my bike. Tomorrow I'm going to try putting my clothes right by the alarm clock. My goal is to get up early and ride my bike or walk every day of summer school. I know if I can do that, I'll be able to lose weight this summer instead of gain weight like I usually do over summer vacation. It's one of the reasons I signed up to teach summer school.

I'm really enjoying my tiny nighttime treat: As a lifetime connoisseur of M&Ms, I do believe these are the best variety yet.

Weary Wednesday

Whew! Lots going on. I've packed and moved everything I need to at school. Summer school stuff in my friend's office, third grade stuff a classroom and stuff for home in my car. My school does not have air conditioning so let me tell you there was a lot of heave ho and sweat happening on this 90 degree day.

This is the second week of my six week grad class that meets every Monday and Wednesday evening. The professor really is an expert in reading instruction and assessment and is very demanding. She's also written her own book and is an egomaniac. One night we watched 10 year old video of her giving assessments for two hours.

There's not much time to do the work between classes so I've been busy. We write a lot for class so I'll probably be writing less here on my blog. Not much going on in infertility world. Just waiting for my new calendar.

I've done well with eating so far this week....a whopping two days in a row but you have to start somewhere, right? I've gotten up both mornings at 4:30 thinking I would take my bike out. One problem....it's pitch dark at 4:30. This morning I tried to peep out the window periodically. I was intending to get out of bed, when it was bright enough to navigate outside, but I dozed off. Tomorrow I'll try 5:00. I really want to do this, but I guess I'm a little scared. Out on the open road in the near dark, no one else around. Yikes!

Monday Menu

Sooooo.... I ate crappy all weekend long. Really, really crappy. I don't know what happens on the weekends, it's like eating is my only way of letting loose, my only entertainment.

Here is my intended menu for tomorrow:

Breakfast: banana and milk
Lunch: Chicken noodle bowl w/ edamame, broccoli, yogurt covered raisins
Snack: granola bar
Supper: apple, peanut butter, string cheese, almonds
Snack: 1/2 little bag of m&ms

Deliberately light because I ate so, so much today and I have my grad class in the evening so I will have no time to eat a real supper.

I can't believe I'm going to do this, but I'm also intending to get up an hour early to ride my bike. No idea if I'll be able to get up that early or if it will be light enough, but I'm going to try. My coworker Amanda gets up an hour early and goes to the gym, if she can do, I can. Or at least try.

I'm hoping disclosing all this here will hold me accountable.

If getting ready to conceive doesn't inspire me to be healthier, what in the world will?

Sleepover With Air Quotes

My two favorite sweeties came for a sleepover last night. The house was destroyed but we had so much fun. I'm still finding popcorn around the house in places popcorn should never be. The best part was that the girls got along with each other. Sometimes they have a Garfield and Nermal type of relationship but last night, Stretch was a helpful and kind big sis and DollFace was sweet and funny. Stretch has taught DollFace to use air quotes. It was hilarious when she used them to say "You can't catch me!" and then took off running.

It tugged at my heartstrings to read with them and say their prayers and kiss them goodnight. I imagine this would be my favorite time of day if I were to have a child of my own.

Eight and a half more days of school...not that I'm counting or anything. I'll really be relieved when this week is over. I start my new graduate class which meets two times a week and I have a late summer school meeting. Three very long days in a row.

I want to use this extended wait time I have to wage war on my fat. For the next week it's all about portion control. I'll have no time to plan or cook meals so I'm going to focus on eating normal portions and eating only when I'm hungry. This may become a weight loss blog temporarily.

It may be pretty boring around the old blog for a while. I hope you'll settle in with me for the wait. I could use the company.

Channeling Esther Williams

I went to water aerobics today. Yes, water aerobics, where I huff and puff around the pool doing exercise moves I could no way in hell do outside the water. Let me tell you it's not pretty and in no way resembles this: (not even in my imagination)

First of all, let's not even discuss getting into the swimsuit for the first time this season. I would have liked to cover up more, wear a t-shirt or something. I was wondering if I would feel completely out of place if I showed up in something like these stylish young people are sporting:

I began taking water exercise classes a few years ago when I had trouble with my knees. Being in the water was better than any drug for my knee pain. I loved going because I knew I would be pain free for the rest of the day. I also liked that it was a reason to get up and get moving early in the morning during vacations.

But this time, I don't know. I just felt...like here I am again, still fat, still bumbling around in the water with the oldsters. Don't get me wrong, I really admire the seniors who are able to get moving like that at their age. I used to be inspired by them. They seem so sprightly and have such good attitudes. I'm the youngest person in the class by about 30 years and the tallest by at least 6 inches. It used to make me feel good, like the hot, young babe of the class. But I wasn't feeling youthful or hot today. I just felt....old.

Then I came home an pottered around, or is it puttered around the house. The big event was getting emissions testing for the car.

The doubts crowd in. Am I too old to become a parent? Will I be able to keep up with a youngster? My parents are getting older, will they be able to help me as much as I've been counting on? Before infertility I never felt "old" or thought about being too "old".

Please wait while I tamp down the doubt and talk myself out of these stupid thoughts.....

I believe with all my heart that this is the perfect time for me to be starting my family. If I am truly meant to be a parent as I believe I am, then I WILL become a parent. I am NOT old but am young of heart, spirit, mind and body. Having a youngster around will KEEP me young and vital.

There that's better, now, off to find an early bird special for supper. Hehehe

First Day of Spring Break

I expected a loss when I stepped on the scale this week. Ok, nutrition hasn't been perfect, but when is it ever perfect? I thought I'd done pretty well overall. Again, I have stayed the same. Again! I'm getting frustrated and I want to quit. If I'm not going to lose weight I may as well eat what I want and not have the hassle of tracking.

Sigh....I'm NOT going to quit, though. At my size, I know I can never stop trying. I'm hoping it might be partially the birth control, partially PMS and partially some chub turning to muscle.

My hair stylist is studying kinesiology and hopes to be a personal trainer someday. I call her my faux trainer. She has advised me to eat more protein and fiber and cut back on carbs and continue exercising. That's pretty much what she always advises me to do. Guess that's what I'll try to do, just like I always do.

She also gave me this fab 'do

And folks, when I say the color is red, it is RED! Red like a crayon is red. The pic is bright but doesn't really show how very bright. Makes me feel pretty darn HOT!

I purchased a replacement for my dying computer:

A middle of the road Dell. My first laptop. Thank God for 18 months free financing. It's barely out of the box and I'm still relying on my old pc for now, but looking forward to the freedom of a laptop.

I've read so much about acupuncture and infertility I thought I'd look into it. I NEVER thought there would be a practitioner in my small town. I just knew I'd have to trek into St. Louis for something like that, but I was wrong. There are a few in my town and one is a country girl who grew up out here in the sticks and was a schoolmate of my dad's. I guess I was far out of line when I pictured the wizened older woman of Asian ancestry. I'm going to make some calls next week and check into it. May as well give myself every advantage that I can.

Sugarpalooza

Today was the last day of school before Spring Break. Yay! Not like I have big, exciting plans but it's good to have a break. I know the days will somehow fill up and I must make an effort to be very active and not lay around all day. I'm thinking of driving half a day to see the Laura Ingalls Wilder museum in southern Missouri. Maybe I'll take DollFace to the Magic House in St. Louis or to the zoo one day. And of course I'll be getting my IVF calendar on TUESDAY!

There were so many sweets around school today and I just could NOT stop myself. I think I've done pretty good all week but it's funny how I really never blog about that. I've stayed well within my calorie range everyday and even during today's sugarpalooza I've managed to stay within range, barely and I'll only stay in range if I don't eat anything else for the rest of the day. I've walked four days so if I go tomorrow or Sunday it's a bonus.

I picked up an application for a summer school teaching position. I'm having a tough time deciding if I should fill it out and turn it in. It would be good to get my feet wet teaching in the classroom again in case I have to change positions next year and Lord knows I could really use the cash to help defray medical expenses. This program is very strict about attendance and docks you heavily if you have to miss. If the IVF is successful I'll be at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy, but should that stop me? I could just as easily be mending the broken heart of disappointment, might be good to have another focus and structure to my days.

ICLW!

What's this? What a pleasant surprise to check into my blog and find 8 comments! I almost forgot that I signed up for International Comment Leaving Week. Welcome to new readers and as always, thank you to old ones.

Things might be a little boring around the old blog for the next few weeks. I'm in a holding pattern as far as TTC is concerned. I'll start taking serious medication one month from today and have a donor egg cycle in May. Can't wait...

School is humming right along. I actually got to meet with my student groups today. Between conferences and other things going on at school, it seems I haven't been able to do my normal reading interventions. Tomorrow begins a two day professional development session so I'll miss them again.

I've, yet again, regrouped on the weight loss front. My goals this week are to exercise at least 4 times this week and stay within my calorie range everyday. The exercises part should be easy if the weather stays pretty. I had a lovely walk on the bike trail this evening. Eating will be a struggle as it always is for me.

Now off to leave some comments.....

Pudding Pie

DollFace spent the night with me last night and we had a great time making pudding pies from individual graham cracker crusts and pudding.

And of course some whipped cream!



They might not be the prettiest desserts but they were DELISH and we had fun making them.

This morning we had some fireworks when I tried to turn on a lamp. Sparks popping everywhere and a burned up bulb. I've never seen a bulb blackened and burned like that. No harm done but a little scary.

Stretch chose to go shopping with a friend rather than spending the night with her old Aunt Paige. It wasn't very many years ago she used to beg to sleepover at my house and we always had so much fun. I understand that she's entering that preteen phase but I miss her.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I weighed in this morning and found I had stayed the same. If becoming more healthy for a possible pregnancy doesn't motivate me to lose weight, what ever will? I know I ate more sweets than I should have this week and went out to eat more than usual because of being at the conference. MUST do better this week.

After DollFace went home, I got Chinese food and spent a glum afternoon. I'm really having a problem keeping a good attitude on Sundays. I really need to have a plan in place and make sure I get to church.