Negative Beta

I just couldn't hold out so I requested my first beta result be sent by email:

"Hi, Paige,

I am sorry to tell you that your first beta was negative. I hate to email you news. Can you please still go for your second one tomorrow? We can talk about stopping meds then if it is still negative.

Again, Paige, I’m sorry.
CB, LPN"

One hour after I read this email I had to walk into school for a workshop
and pretend I was normal.

Why didn't I hold out for the second beta?
I could have been "pregnant" one more day.

I was so very sure they were there.
How could I have gotten it so wrong?

I told them I loved them every night.
Outloud like an overconfident fool.

How can my heart still be beating?







127/365

I'm Ready

Just now, as I was leaving Dad's this evening, my car wouldn't start. Dad looked at it and after quite a bit of troubleshooting said something I've rarely, if ever heard him say regarding mechanical issues, "I don't have a clue." It will probably have to be towed. I'm grateful, however, because it happened in the driveway of my favorite mechanic. I shudder to think about this happening in Chicago or ,God forbid, tomorrow on the way to our embryo transfer.

I spent the morning pampering myself with new hair color, pedicure and a Reiki session. Reiki Lady says my system is strong and ready to support a pregnancy. She asked me to do a lot of visualizing about what I'll be like in the days after the transfer when I'm pregnant.

I've had a few moments these past few weeks when I can feel the spirit or energy of the new babies around me. Greyson's energy is always with me of course and it always feels like a very calm energy to me. These new children always seem to be giggling in the few moments I've felt their energy near me. I've sensed that they are one boy and one girl. Reiki Lady said they were playful spirits and that she sensed the energy of two boys and a girl but one of the boys may be Greyson. She said Greyson is fully supportive of my going forward with the new babies.

I spent the afternoon in frantic nesting mode doing things that I hope I won't be able to do for a while such as burning the brush pile, cleaning the garage and spray painting some of Dad's metal floral sculptures.


I'm READY. I feel confident and ready.

Tomorrow I will be pregnant.

Even my little piggies are ready:

Gravestone

Today I had to do something no human being should have to do. I ordered a gravestone for my son, Greyson. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. It felt wrong deep in the cells of my heart, soul and body.

But how do I explain that it ended up being a comical but sad situation. I went to the Funeral Man's home and met with him and his wife. This older couple are local small town people and were good friends of my grandparents. I knew right away something was off. It was obvious they had gussied up for my visit. The wife had heavy clownish old lady make up on and what looked like a wig. When it came time to fill out the forms the Funeral Man had his wife do the writing but she kept making mistakes and having to cross things out. She would get a little flustered but Funeral Man kept gently correcting her and insisting that she keep going with it. I thought maybe she was hard of hearing. There ended up being quite a few cross outs and I won't be surprised if the stone says, "Gary son of Peggy" or something instead of Greyson P. Son of Paige.

Greyson P son of Paige --what heartrending words to have to write on a cold stone.

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

It will NEVER feel right to see those words on a stone above my sweet baby boy.

NEVER

As I was leaving FM stepped outside with me and explained his wife suffered from Alzheimer's and he tried to involve her in this kind of thing to help with the dementia. I could see then the kindness of this gentle man and I knew the words on the stone marking the grave of my son would be correct and if they weren't he would make it right.

Neither Dr. AA, who I emailed about trying again nor Dr. H, who's office I called for a referral to a fetal-maternal specialist, have returned my contacts. I'm trying not to read that as a bad sign or some sort of stupid omen that things won't go smooth or that I shouldn't go forward. Which is just a stupid thought from my stupid overdrive brain. It's just the randomness of the world. Right?

Picture of the Day:

It hurts my eyes a little but I like it.

Shrunken Boobs

The first thing I did in this new year was notice that my boobs have shrunk. I didn't think they had grown much while I was pregnant but now it's clear that they did. I really miss my pregnant body. I couldn't wait to get that really pregnant baby belly and was worried I wouldn't since I'm so fat to begin with. What a stupid worry to have.

I spent most of the day in bed but did rouse myself to go to my parents for the annual New Year's clam chowder. Not sure how we Midwesterners started this particular tradition but mom makes it every year. Fun joking with E about our weird cousin who had talked to me really inappropriately about his girlfriend the day before. I think the dude got aroused while we were talking...eww. And sweet Dollface took me to help her gather the eggs and then made it her job to wash them all and put them away. I couldn't help but recall my childhood when that was my daily chore.

On the topic of enjoying life:
I do not. But if I ever do enjoy life again, I don't think I will feel guilty. Enjoying things and experiences could never take Greyson further from me or make me forget him. But who knows, the darndest emotions come out of me at the darndest times and I can't predict or control them. The few things I have enjoyed, I felt good about, like I was healing. I'm sure that makes me a weirdo but I know Greyson would not want me to wallow or feel badly about laughing or enjoying life. I try to think about what I would want, if I were him. If I died, I would not want my mother to feel badly about learning to feel good again.

On the topic of trying again:
I have either 4 or 6 frozen embryos and I probably will try to get pregnant again. It's just such a big idea and so far away and seems so terrifying. I can barely think about it. My soul is too shattered and I can't imagine gathering enough of the pieces together for another try. I don't have a vision of what trying again would look or feel like. I'm not brave enough. I barely lived through losing Greyson and I'm pretty sure I could never survive another loss like this one.

Also, there is a prevailing feeling that this was my one good chance at becoming a mother and it got wrecked, just like every other chance I've had at true happiness. My instincts tell me that if I try again, it won't take or it will be an early loss. Not sure why I feel this way, but that's why they call it an instinct, I guess. I'm pretty sure I'll have to face the biggest fear of my life by the end of 2011. Never becoming a mother.

Maybe my instincts are crap though. At one point during my two week wait, I was really really sure I was not pregnant. And after the anatomy scan ultrasound, I was really sure I would have a healthy baby. Who the hell knows....

TTD while TTC

I'm making a list in hopes of motivating myself to stay busy and keeping myself accountable. It is so easy for me to fall into the habit of just laying around watching TV or reading all day. Part of the reason I got so fat.

• enter CPUs in the board of ed website
• clean up porch
• paint and recover chair and stool
• paint and hang picture ledge
• frame pictures
• wash windows
• organize pantry
• organize and clean basement
• clean out little dresser in bedroom
• sweep and clean garage
• wipe cabinets and deep scrub kitchen
• paint hallway
• figure out how to get music from ipod to new 'puter
• sell old books and CDs on Amazon
• dispose of old computer and set up "new" desk area

Wow, I realize this list looks like I live in a pig sty. Oh well, I am pretty messy and things pile up during the school year, time to shovel out and get "in the corners" clean.

I would also like to take my special girls someplace each week.

• Zoo
• Butterfly House
• Kramer's Marionettes
• Magic House
• Splash City
• Drive In Movies

I have a goal of exercising at least 5 days a week. Bike ride or walk or water aerobics. I would really like to lose at least 10 more pounds before my embryo transfer in one month.

One month from today I will be turning 39. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I'd still be childless at 39. Even when I started TTC over 2 years ago, I never thought I would be arriving at this birthday without my child in my arms. Please, please, please let me receive the greatest gift of my life in one month. Please.

Butt Kicking Bike Seat

I've done well. I've had a bike ride 4 out of the last 5 days and tracked food everyday and stayed within my calorie range.

The bike is kicking my butt. Yesterday, I thought I'd overdone it. The last two miles...I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it and would have to walk. But I did stay on the bike although my muscles were screaming and my vajayjay was trying to eat the bike seat. There was some pain there. Any thoughts on bicycling while TTC? I'll die if it somehow effects getting pregnant. I already have one of those extra big, soft bike seats. For me, there is a lot and I mean A LOT of weight balanced on that delicate body part when I'm on a bike. Can the uterus or uterine lining somehow be effected by all that weight and pressure for that period of time? Can it be squashed or somehow damaged? Jeez...the things I have to consider right now.

I'm starting to worry about the month of July. I won't be working and will be on the serious drugs. It's so difficult for me to keep myself busy during time off. How will I manage while on Lupron, etc? How will I keep my drugged out Crazy Train Brain occupied?

Mom and Dad are discontinuing use of their safe deposit box and gave me my birth certificate and some savings bonds from when I was born. My birth certificate was so small. About the size of an index card folded into a little envelope. I've never seen one like that before. Dad joked that the county was on a tight budget that year.

Mom gave me some beautiful summer squash. The first garden produce. Lovely.

These are the mudane but lovely details of the weekend. Why is it that sometimes when I have a quiet weekend alone, I'm miserable and other times I revel in it?

Exciting First Post!

Hello World!
I’ve decided to join the blogosphere. Here’s where I am…
Fertility:
I’m a single gal wanting to become pregnant with donor sperm. Well, wanting is a strong word. What I really wanted was for my knight in shining armor to sweep…you get the picture. I’ve come to terms with the fact that that is not going to happen in time for the happy family scenario to manifest itself and I’ve decided to move forward with my dream of having a family without said prince.

I was able to use a live donor in the form of a friend for about 10 months, however, he became unreliable and really you can only ask a friend to do so much. I’ve moved on to the world of anonymous donor sperm and IUIs. About that time, I suddenly stopped ovulating! My doctor recommended femara plus an hcg injection. The injection happened today and tonight I’m already surging! IUI for 7:30 in the morning! Please send good thoughts our way if you’re reading this.

Obesity:
I currently weigh over 300 pounds. My doctor says that my age is more of a hinderance to becoming pregnant than my weight and he’s always been very kind about it. Last year I lost 60 pounds and then gained about 30 back. I am struggling to figure this out so that I can be healthy for myself and my child.

Work:
I work as a reading interventionist teaching at-risk children. I love it. After 13 years in the classroom teaching Kindergarten and then 2nd grade, I was getting a little burned out. The change to becoming a reading specialist is exactly what I needed and now I can’t wait to go to work...most days.

Family:
I was raised on a farm and I guess it’s pretty unusual that I still live right down the road from our family farm in what was once my beloved grandparents home. My parents, brother and cousins live in the surrounding homes scattered across our farm. I call it The Compound. My mom can see my house across our pasture and believe me that is a blessing as well as a curse. But all in all I’m surrounded with love and a wonderful support system.

Friends:
I have a core group of close friends. We call ourselves the yayas and are each in our own right, intelligent, vibrant, colorful, funny and strong. Thank God, because without them I’d be coocoo for Coco Puffs. For sure.

Guess that’s about it for this exciting first post. How’d I do?