Bike Chains

The only picture I took today.
I didn't know bike chains came in colors.

Bike Riding

Again my kids were total brats for the sub. Grrrr. I talked to my principal about it, just wanting her to talk to them. She went above and beyond by requiring them to eat with her in the classroom in silence. It has been so nice to have a principal who supports us this year. She's a good hearted person and I think she's been easy on me in several ways since December because she has sympathy for my situation.

I took my bike out for the first time since August 6, 2010, the day I became pregnant. I love the free feeling of being on my bike with the sweet country breeze in my hair, muscles working, mind unsnarling from the day's stresses. It really was a good feeling to be on the trail again today, but I couldn't help having a little sigh of sadness. I'm trying so hard to look forward and not back and to remain positive.

I went back to try to capture the killdeer on it's nest this time. I was told by a nine year old expert (my cousin's kid) that this is the male and he's less skittish and will actually attack if you approach. He didn't attack but did stay on the nest more solidly than at the time of my last attempt. See the little eggs peeking out?


Broken Leg Dance:

Zumba Photo 2

Picture of the Day:

I've noticed there are two kinds of women at Zumba. The type that preen and sort of make love to themselves in the mirror with their eyes. And the type like me, who tries to hide behind someone so I don't have to catch a glimpse of the full on reflection of myself and keeps their eyes trained on the instructor. But overall it's such a good energy, you can't help but be uplifted.

Zumba Photo

Picture of the Day:



Zumba!

Exercise Class

Who the heck cries during an exercise class? That would be me. Two of my coworkers go and I thought I'd give it a try. Today was my second time going. I'm not a fan of public exercise due to my shyness and self consciousness about my jumbo size but I thought it would be a good way to get myself moving on a Saturday when I don't have anything else to "show up" for.

My third grade teacher was there. Looking and sounding just the same as she did 30 (30!) years ago. That made me more self conscious. I'm friends with her on FB but she doesn't check in very often and I just kept thinking, did she know I wasn't pregnant anymore? Did she even remember that I was? Would she say anything? Stupid overdrive brain!

There were teenagers behind me which added to my discomfort. And a few of them were boys who were stinky. Well, then the exercise got really hard and I struggled to keep up and there was twirling and a lot of jumping and everything got really fast.

Thankfully my friend, AT, was there and because she was encouraging me I kept the tears on the inside mostly and actually made it through the hour class. I can't believe I did it. I know if AT hadn't been there I would have walked out. I'm glad I did it.

I came home to three men working in my kitchen. Dad, E and R. They stabilized the island, installed the dishwasher and put some extra screws into the cabinets. While they were doing that, I worked on cleaning out the garage of all the old flooring and cardboard from the cabinets. Later, Stretch and her weird friend stopped by. They were having an "adventure" which it seems consisted of walking across the pasture and splashing through the branch.

Now my back seems to be out of whack and my stomach is troubling me. Quiet night in store: me, wine, TV and ibuprofen.

Picture of the day:


Didn't turn out really well considering the time I put into it. Thank Gawd it was a "lazy" shot with me just sitting there playing with settings on my camera. I couldnt' get the shoes to be crisp and dark. And I wish there was a "cooler" picture on the TV. I think I was watching a Scrubs rerun.

Busted Butt, Busted Tire

S is one week out of surgery and doing well. Sh, R and I were able to visit her today at her parent's house where she's been staying. She had to go back to the hospital Monday for low potassium and hemoglobin but other than those mild complications, she's doing well. She's in good spirits and seems really happy. Excited about the future.

And I'm glad to say I'm happy for her. I think I've moved through my negative emotions for the most part and realized...yes, she'll be skinny and able to wear cute clothes and I'll probably be a little jealous of that. Most importantly her health will improve. She's already halved her blood sugar levels and hopes to be off insulin soon. That is what is most important here.

She's already lost 40 pounds including the pre-surgery protein shake diet weight loss. It took me most of last year to lose that much. But I'm happy for her....really!

I've been busting my butt for the last week and only lost 1.8 pounds. Literally busting my butt on that bike seat! It's a loss and that's great but I have been working really hard both on exercise and nutrition. I expected a bigger loss.

I've been busting my butt and tonight my butt busted my bike tire. My first flat as an adult. Thankfully only 3 miles out and I was able to walk it home. Pushing a bike is good exercise too! My dad dug right into fixing it. It was so pleasant to be there outside the warehouse chatting while he tried to fix the tire. Beautiful cool breeze, nice break in the humid weather. But the tire had given it's all. Dad took me right into town to get a new one and treated me to supper at the Bread Company. For some reason, I feel like I should treasure the memory of this night.

TTD while TTC

I'm making a list in hopes of motivating myself to stay busy and keeping myself accountable. It is so easy for me to fall into the habit of just laying around watching TV or reading all day. Part of the reason I got so fat.

• enter CPUs in the board of ed website
• clean up porch
• paint and recover chair and stool
• paint and hang picture ledge
• frame pictures
• wash windows
• organize pantry
• organize and clean basement
• clean out little dresser in bedroom
• sweep and clean garage
• wipe cabinets and deep scrub kitchen
• paint hallway
• figure out how to get music from ipod to new 'puter
• sell old books and CDs on Amazon
• dispose of old computer and set up "new" desk area

Wow, I realize this list looks like I live in a pig sty. Oh well, I am pretty messy and things pile up during the school year, time to shovel out and get "in the corners" clean.

I would also like to take my special girls someplace each week.

• Zoo
• Butterfly House
• Kramer's Marionettes
• Magic House
• Splash City
• Drive In Movies

I have a goal of exercising at least 5 days a week. Bike ride or walk or water aerobics. I would really like to lose at least 10 more pounds before my embryo transfer in one month.

One month from today I will be turning 39. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I'd still be childless at 39. Even when I started TTC over 2 years ago, I never thought I would be arriving at this birthday without my child in my arms. Please, please, please let me receive the greatest gift of my life in one month. Please.

Water and Sand

My second time going to water aerobics, there was a different teacher this time. The other teacher was about my age and very protective of the oldsters. She would make jokes and flirt a little with the men. We all love her. This teacher was nearly a child, I'm thinking she was at the most 19 or 20. She was demanding with the exercise moves and very strict with all the grannies. She kept saying things like, "This class is not called Splash and Gab." when they were talking too much. Seems to me that this is the main social interaction for many of them. It seems unnecessary to be so controlling and strict. I wanted to tell her to shut up and let them talk, but they seemed used to it and no one complained. Besides I was too out of breath to say anything.

I spent the afternoon in the sand pile with DollFace. C. and Stretch are visiting relatives in Memphis, C. thought some bonding time would help Stretch's recent growing pains (read attitude). It was a beautiful, windy spring day and DollFace never ceases to amaze me with her imagination and sense of humor. My favorite 5 year old. She's spending the night with me tonight so she doesn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn to go to the farm with her dad. Undressing all the baby dolls seems to be on the agenda for the evening.

My possible transfer date is May 11 or so. Seems far off, but not really. Sometimes I can't believe that I've set this whole thing in motion. I've never done anything as important as this.

Ponderings and Exercise

I registered for the donor egg website so I must be considering this fairly seriously. You cannot look at the profiles without registering. One on hand, how many obstacles will it take to convince me that maybe this is not supposed to happen. On the other hand, I've never been so passionate about anything in my life. Anything. Also, I can't seem to stop. When my ex who became my known donor pooped out on me, the decision was made very quickly to switch to donor sperm. There was no hesitation and I picked a donor very quickly and felt confident it was the right choice. Donor egg is a different story. Is it really that different from adopting?

I told J. at work. She was very kind. Now someone at work will have my back if I fall apart or have random absences for infertility appointments. I hope she holds my secret. I know she will but she is human and this is BIG. Her sister-in-law is currently using a donor egg due to cancer. A few weeks ago, before I found out about my dried up eggs, she said something about this. I remember I was like a laser beam shooting questions at her. Finally, she was like "Dude, I really don't know that much about the situation". (Yes, she really uses the word Dude all the time.) Some sort of foreshadow of things to come? She said today that she'd try to find out some info for me.

I went to the gym tonight and worked out for the first time in a few weeks. I really pushed myself and even when my hips started hurting I didn't want to stop. Level 13 on the bike, I've never gone that high before. I think I could feel the tension and toxins leaving my body. I have a very weird visualization I do when on the bike. I picture the stress and tension leaving my body through my toes. In my head it usually looks like flecks or chunks of black ash that stream out of my big toes as my feet fly around and around. I don't know how I came up with this strategy and I know it's a little nuts but it works for me. Today the tension leaving my toes looked like thick black green sludge about the consistency of molasses. I must keep doing things that are good for me.