Canceled

My donor didn't respond well to ovulation stimulation.
She has 10 follicles but they are very tiny.
My doctor is recommending canceling the cycle.

I'm bitterly disappointed.
What will it take to make me accept my fate.

Blackberry Winter

One week from now my embies could be tucked in at the doctor's office to grow for a couple days. One week! And in a week and a half I could be pregnant. ME! Pregnant! It could happen...it could really happen. My dream could be true in less than two weeks! Just when I thought I'd had every emotion possible related to struggling with fertility...wham. This is certainly a special kind of excitement laced with a little anxiety. I actually get butterflies when I think about it.

My daydreams have even moved on. I daydream about seeing Dr. H. again which to me will signify really being safely pregnant. I keep planning my own baby shower in my head. This makes me feel crazy and I wish I could STOP.

I'm working very hard to keep the "what if it doesn't happen" thoughts AWAY! I keep thinking that if I just do exactly what the doctor has instructed me to do, I will get pregnant, but I know there are no guarantees. Everyday my prayers are with my lovely donor, my talented doctor and his staff.

Jock Indetank has been ordered and delivered. One less thing to worry about.

I FINALLY have Internet at my home. Yay!

It's almost cold here in the mid-west. Dad asked if I had my long johns out and called it Blackberry Winter. E has headed out to plant corn. He gave me a ride back home as he headed out on the corn planter. I was struck by the mammoth size of the equipment these days. When I think back to the 4 row corn planter of my childhood, our current 16 row planter seems unbelievably huge and makes my memory of the old planter seem toylike. They can't even haul it on the road without folding it completely in half. E said he remembered being totally intimidated by this new 16 row planter at first but now looks to buying a 24 row one in the future. Something that wouldn't even have been a thought in our heads 20 years ago.....

And we wouldn't have even dreamed of being able to become pregnant at 38 while single using donor eggs and sperm. I may be a simple country girl but I'm so very grateful to have been born in a time when science can make miracles happen.

Carousel Ride

I went with our Kindergarten classes on a field trip today. This is the first field trip I've been on as simply a chaperon and it felt so carefree to be without the huge responsibility of being the classroom teacher on my shoulders. We went to the Butterfly House where we learned all about insects and got to walk around the solarium where exotic foliage grows and thousands of butterflies were flying all around us.

Across the park from the Butterfly House is a restored 90 year old carousel. As we walked across the park, I could tell from the questions they asked that most of the children had no background experience with riding a carousel. I tried my best to explain but it's kind of an obscure thing, if you've never experienced it. They asked if the horses were real, what they ate, how they went up and down, what kept the horses from falling off the circle. These are children of poverty and most have pretty limited experiences.

It ended up being a pretty special experience for me. The children's faces lit up and there was such joy in the air. All those happy, excited children laughing and holding on tight. Riding up and down on their beautiful painted ponies while the quaint carousel music was playing. It sounds corny to say but it felt like a little magic was in the air. If you've never experienced an antique carousel ride with 30 kindergartners, I highly recommend it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Second IM Delestrogen shot today, still can't get over how easy it is. Blood test on Friday and ultrasound/lining check in one week. One week! Sperm donor chosen and ordered (but I can't think of a name for him).
Check, check, check.

And The Winner Is

I think I've chosen one. It's down to the wire today and I actually choked up a little at the thought of really saying good bye to Dave Indevial. Would it be weird to pretend that the new guy is some relation to Dave? I may change back to him at the last moment. If only he was an open donor.

Anyway, the new guy is six feet tall, green eyes, brown hair, he is well liked by the staff who say he always has a smile on his face and is easy to work with, polite, respectful and pleasant to be around. He has mad math and science skills and is athletic. He is CMV negative, has had previous pregnancies and has my blood type. ,Also, he has the same celebrity look alike as Dave did: Gerard Butler. Yup, I'm starting to crush just a little on this new guy. In an innocent, non-icky way of course.

How will this guy will mix with my lovely egg donor. Will my (our?) baby get her eyes and his height? His math skills and her musical talent? His sense of humor and her stubbornness? Please, find me, Baby. I can't wait to meet you and learn all about you!

I am, yet again, in awe of modern science. It sometimes takes my breath away thinking that these two people along with all the medical people are giving me this remarkable chance at having a family. What an incredible, miraculous opportunity.

I know I've made the right decision.

Hello, May!

This not having Internet is effing ridiculous. I'm about to go nuts. I was here at Dad's office last night trying to blog and in walks Mom, she plops down with, "Whacha doin?" She. Would. Not. Leave. There is only so much small talk you can make while nervously wanting someone to go. Mom knows a lot about my journey but I just could NOT write about sperm donors and my period (which finally showed up yesterday) in front of my MOTHER and I couldn't say, "Hey, get out", so finally I just stuck in a few pics and left it at that. And now she knows the title of my blog...don't know if she'll check in or not and not sure how I feel about that. I like having this be my safe place and knowing I can say anything to you all.

Last night I realized that I must make a final pick on a sperm donor THIS WEEKEND. There is no way I can do that without Internet. I came over here to the office this morning, thinking that if everyone was busy, I could get some thinking and choosing done. Ummmm NO. Whoever said it was quiet in the country was WRONG. The office is attached to the machine shop and warehouse. There were huge tractors in and out, the milk tanker truck making it's pick up, Dad's employees and my brother all over the place. One was actually working on the office door with a drill or something. It was impossibly LOUD and made me jumpy so I just left. E asked me to bring over my laptop this afternoon and it seems to be a quiet time now. Still nerve wracking because non-family members could walk in at any moment, but I have to make a choice. This is so NOT how I imagined doing this.

The IM Delestrogen shot went well. I'm wondering what I was so scared about. I took a deep breath and just did it. It didn't really even hurt.

Hello May! I've been waiting and waiting for you. Please be good to me.

New Student

A little girl enrolled in our school today who is seven years old and never been to school. Seven! She should be in SECOND grade. I tested her and found her to be preschool level on every test. She could only identify about 6 letters and really didn’t know any of the sounds. She could spell her name orally for me and was able to handle a book with proper directionality. She was very verbal though and all smiles while I was testing and talking to her. She seems very bright.

Later, the mother told me she was having a “bad time” a few years ago so the father came and took Divina to California. She didn’t really know what went on in California as far as education but that Divina hadn’t been to a doctor in the year and a half she’d been there. The mother was able to bring her back about six months ago but had trouble getting a birth certificate to enroll her in school. Six months to get a birth certificate? I doubt that! Talk about falling through the cracks! It angers me that this bright, beautiful child has not received the education she has a right to. Not sure which agency would be responsible for this child, considering a cross country move. I wish the parents could be made to realize the sizable disadvantage this child will have in school and maybe for the rest of her life if we’re unable to close gap she’s had in her education. It’s very much a shame.

The mother seemed very earnest about getting her daughter caught up and was willing to work with her and enroll her in summer school. This means we have about 2 months to catch this beautiful child up on three years of education. I hope she can catch up enough to be enrolled in first grade in the fall. I think I know a little of what the man who discovered the wolf boy of Aveyron must have felt. She’s kind of a blank slate and I feel like her potential is a tightly wrapped package just waiting to be opened and encouraged to grow and grow. I am eager to find out all this child can learn in the next few months.

What? Nothing about infertility?!? Hmmm….nothing much to report. Last birth control pill yesterday so now I’m waiting for AF. Anticipating scary intramuscular injection on Friday.

Lovely Lupron?

So I've been waiting and dreading the Lupron side effects. Here they are.... I feel GREAT! Weirdly wide awake and great! There is not a negative thought or worry in my head. I floated through the day smiling and laughing. I'm almost feeling CAREFREE! I'm feeling confident....I just know I'm going to get pregnant. One month from now I'll have life growing inside me!

It's such sweet relief from the constant doubt and worry about my infertility journey that I usually have to battle in my brain. It feels fantastic to finally be starting THE cycle. It's only day 2 of medication, I also started dexamethasone yesterday. I hope these side effects stay and the horrid ones stay away.

Is something wrong with me? I've never, ever heard of anyone with this reaction to Lupron.

8:30 In The Midwest

It is 8:30 here in the Midwest and DollFace just went home. E was in the field and C was showing houses. We had a great time though. It was kind of a treat to have an evening with her cheerful little soul in the house. We were laughing and dancing away when E came to pick her up. Her favorites are: I Like To Move It by Will I Am, Postcards by BareNaked Ladies, Cha Cha Slide, Chicken Fried by Zac Brown and I'm embarrassed to say, Bootyman by Tim Wilson. E thought it was so hilarious to have her dance to that song, now she loves it.

The boys are all working as hard as they can plowing, finishing, drilling corn and applying anhydrous. We're expecting a big storm tonight or tomorrow and they are trying to get as much done before it hits. The alfalfa seedlings in the field behind my house could really use a drink though. E was walking stooped over a little, I guess from too much time in a tractor seat. I worry about my Dad working such demanding and long hours.

We had important visitors at school today from our county's curriculum council and a group of teachers who wanted to see what was happening in our school. Kind of a big deal. The fact is we are slowly closing the achievement gap in our low income district. We have made everyone in our school a "literacy specialist". All staff, from aides to the PE and music teachers, all work with children during our literacy block. I think we would train the cooks and custodian if we could. Teachers have an intervention block where they are able to give students extra help and I pull students and work with them additionally if they need it. We are creative with our schedules and we really are doing a lot of cutting edge stuff and although I don't always agree with what goes on, I'm very proud to say I work there.

Oh, first Lupron shot. No sweat! Almost a non-event. Didn't hurt at all and very, very minimal side effects. I hope it stays that way.

Ladders and Kittens

Awkward meeting part 2 took place today. The woman cleaned up her act a little bit but it was still obvious she's not working with her children and does not have high expectations for her students. One of her students going into kindergarten only knows 1 letter. The principal says she's "writing her up". Not sure quite what that entails but it doesn't sound good.

I had a lovely afternoon with my nieces. Our farm has become the home of about 4 mother cats. We have found two nests of kittens in our hay loft and visit them regularly. The other two are still in hiding. Yes, I actually dragged my big ol' butt up this scary looking ladder. I amaze myself every time I do it.

On of the many things I love about being a country girl.

First Lupron shot in the morning! I have everything laid out with surgical precision. I opened the box with the Lupron vial and there just doesn't seem to be much in there. I know the doses are small but I hope it's enough for all the doses I'll need.

Letter To My Lovely Donor

Tell the truth everyone. Is it too dorky sounding???

Dear Lovely Donor,
I don't know what your calendar looks like but I am a few days away from starting injectable medication and I'm very excited! To tell you the truth, I'm also a little scared. I thought you may be feeling the same so I wanted to write you a short note of encouragement.

You are in my thoughts every day and sometimes it's hard to believe that through your loving generosity I may have an opportunity to become a mother. Because of you, I'll have an opportunity to fill the emptiness inside my heart. How strange and wonderful to think that you're walking around with the potential of life inside you and that it may soon be inside me! Kind of like something on the scifi channel, don't you think? In a extraordinary and miraculous way, of course. lol

Anyway, I don't want to run on too much here or get myself choked up. I just wanted to let you know that I believe you to be an amazing person and I feel so very lucky that you are willing to share your DNA so that I might be able to begin my family. You are my hero.

If you are willing, I'd like to correspond more in the future, especially if a miracle happens and I am able to become pregnant. Maybe you'd like to know a little about where your little eggs ended up? If not, I completely understand.

Thank you for making my dream come true.
Paige

Ping

We were looking through some old pictures on Easter and there was one of me as a toddler. Dollface looked at it and said, "Oh, look, that's me!" and we all laughed. My brother and I both strongly favor our dad, but DollFace and I also have faces shaped like my mother's. I couldn't help but think about my kid who will never have an experience like this. And I thought of myself who will never look into a child's eyes and say, "Lucky kid, got my eyelashes" or "He has that darn big head that runs in my family" (that could work in my favor come the time of the birth!).

I took both Stretch and Dollface to my cousin to get their hair cut today. The inevitable discussion began. "Stretch sure has her mother's hair." "Dollface's hair is just like L (the cousin's daughter). And every time I think, "Well, my kid won't have that experience, hope they're not scarred for life." and I kind of laugh to myself because I don't really believe they will be scarred but meanwhile my heart gives a little, sad ping for what my child will be missing. Will the pinging fade and disappear over time? I hope so.

I can't believe how often these types of comments come up in everyday conversation. Until I was told that my own genetic children were not possible I never noticed how much this is woven into everyday life. Seems like everyone is looking for that genetic connection. I guess I'm still working through the loss of that genetic connection with my child. Whew, the emotional side of this situation is a full time job.

I have completely accepted that an amazing woman is donating her genetics to my family because I could not provide my own. I have no qualms about going forward. I'm desperately waiting to begin my family. I already love my baby or at least it's DNA which is, this very moment, growing inside my lovely donor and frozen somewhere in a tube in California. I love everything it will become and I wish and pray everyday for it's safe arrival into my arms. I know in my heart that my child will inherit the most important part of me, my personality, spirit, work ethic, moral compass, sense of humor.

Yet, for now my heartstrings still ping a little for my unborn child and that genetic connection it won't have.

Daydream Believer

Probably no surprise to anyone that I have a very active imagination and a vivid fantasy life. I've been having extremely real baby daydreams for the past few days. I'm holding my baby, in that way mothers do, with the sweet smelling and oh so soft head against my cheek or under my chin. These thoughts are so very real. I feel like I could reach out and touch the baby. Also, daydreams of the actual birth, not the pain or fear or anything like that. Just that miraculous moment when the baby comes and everyone in the room makes that sound. You know that joyful happy sort of gasp/cheer/laugh. I imagine it must be the happiest moment in one's life. I'm only going by what I've seen on T.V. for this one, of course.

These are different from my usual "hey is that (insert name of celebrity) at my local grocery store", my "hot romance" daydreams, or my "Teacher of the Year" daydreams or even my "Oh, I'm so thin, healthy and hot" daydreams. My daily daydreams that are always lurking in a corner of my mind to entertain me should whatever I'm doing gets dull. Something about these baby daydreams makes me feel a little not right in the brain. These baby thoughts seem so real. So very real.

I'm wary of wanting something so very badly. Seems like dreams you want so badly with all your heart like this never come true. The only other thing I remember wanting so badly many years ago and envisioning like this was dancing at my own wedding. I've never been married. Not saying I won't someday dance at my own wedding but it seems rather dangerous to build these castles in the air. And then keep revisiting them. Over. And over.

I just read over this and realize I sound certifiably crackers. I'm not really a person with my head in the air but I do have strange thoughts all the time. Lord help me, I haven't even started taking the serious drugs yet.

Paid Up

Well, I just put two HUGE checks in the mail to the clinic and to the donor agency. My savings is nearly gone. It's not the money that bothers me. I just keep thinking if this is not successful, that bank account will represent everything. Empty womb, empty home, empty life, empty bank account.

I'm trying hard to keep positive but writing those checks make it seem really REAL and I'm starting to getting scared.

I will get pregnant.
I will get pregnant.
I will get pregnant.
.
.
.
I hope.

Drug Deal Gone Wrong

I wanted to pack THE box of drugs away and forget about it until I needed it in a few weeks time. I've unpacked and packed that box about 4 times. I guess there was a mix up with one of the medications. Thank God I had a question about one of the medications and mentioned the one that was screwed up. I guess they sent me Estradiol suppositories in addition to the delestrogen. They are similar and I don't need both.

The pharmacy told me there is a nationwide shortage of Endometrin and that my clinic told them to cancel the Endometrin and they would order something else (which they hadn't done until I contacted them today). I knew nothing about any of this. I'm horrified at the thought that I might have shoved the wrong medication up my hoohaa and ruined everything. I really need to stay on top of this whole process, so many, many things can go wrong. I am praying my young donor is checking and double checking everything.

This email exchange between Mom and me was my laugh for the day.

Mom: You might need help giving yourself those injections, if you do let me know. I'll take a stab at it.
Me: Haha, I see your point.
Mom: Yeah, I'm sharp that way.

Corny, but I laughed!

Drugs!!

Obligatory photo of alllll the drugs:

I was so excited all day at work thinking of the magic box being delivered today.

What is inside will help me have my baby!!!!

But when I opened the box and examined everything....

Weird names of chemicals that don't match up with what is on my calendar.

A frightening number of needles and syringes.

Suppositories!?

Yikes, I'm starting to get scared thinking that I'm going to have to get all of this stuff into my body over a few weeks time.

What if I somehow screw it up?

And yet April 22 can't get here fast enough.

It Ends With A Smile

I've been studying the calendar, you know, THE calendar. The possible week of embryo transfer is a hectic one. I'm starting a graduate class that week and one of the professional development sessions for summer school is that week. The class is a short six week summer session, probably frowned upon to miss any class periods, and the summer school program is very strict about attendance. I may not be hired at all if they know I'll miss one of those sessions. I don't like feeling like I have to ditch something at the last minute but I'll probably have to miss one or the other unless the transfer is somehow pushed to Thursday in which case I'll be a psycho mess from waiting that long.

The pharmacy called with a pleasant surprise. Most of my medication AND the donors is covered, what's left is a very manageable sum. It will be delivered Tuesday and my mom has agreed to have it delivered to her house and sign for it. I just hope FexEx doesn't wander to the business side of the farm where the veterinary supplies are delivered and have one of my dad's employees sign. I keep imagining my mom racing across the yard, screaming, "I've got it, I'll sign!" or a scenario where the medication gets mixed up and some dairy cow ends up depressed and emotional from Lupron.

I had a lovely "field trip" with my buddies at a local winery. Friends who used to work at my school but have spread far and wide to different jobs or retirement. Beautiful weather and it was great to relax and gossip with a glass of wine and good friends.

Thank God for a few hours distraction because other than lunch, I was sort of an emotional mess all day. Not crying, just mopey and hormonal. My period did finally show up, a sad, little smear. I think I'll actually be glad when birth control starts again on Monday. I've been eating out of control and missing my baby like crazy.

But I'm another day closer to him or her or them.

And that thought just made me smile.

Water and Sand

My second time going to water aerobics, there was a different teacher this time. The other teacher was about my age and very protective of the oldsters. She would make jokes and flirt a little with the men. We all love her. This teacher was nearly a child, I'm thinking she was at the most 19 or 20. She was demanding with the exercise moves and very strict with all the grannies. She kept saying things like, "This class is not called Splash and Gab." when they were talking too much. Seems to me that this is the main social interaction for many of them. It seems unnecessary to be so controlling and strict. I wanted to tell her to shut up and let them talk, but they seemed used to it and no one complained. Besides I was too out of breath to say anything.

I spent the afternoon in the sand pile with DollFace. C. and Stretch are visiting relatives in Memphis, C. thought some bonding time would help Stretch's recent growing pains (read attitude). It was a beautiful, windy spring day and DollFace never ceases to amaze me with her imagination and sense of humor. My favorite 5 year old. She's spending the night with me tonight so she doesn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn to go to the farm with her dad. Undressing all the baby dolls seems to be on the agenda for the evening.

My possible transfer date is May 11 or so. Seems far off, but not really. Sometimes I can't believe that I've set this whole thing in motion. I've never done anything as important as this.

Calendar Day

Yes, friends, we have a calendar! A beautiful, colorful calendar that brings me closer to my baby!

And what seems to be a very large number of syringes and needles.
I met with Connie at the clinic today and she told me all about my calendar and all the blood work, ultrasounds, meds and injections I'd be taking starting April 22. I understand everything, what each item is for and when and how to take it but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a little overwhelmed. I've already looked at the calendar about 5 times, ok...more like 12. Yowza, that is quite a bit of time off work for blood work and appointments. And those needles for the intramuscular shots look a bit....loooonngg.

I knew that my lovely donor had a calendar meeting yesterday so I jokingly asked Connie if she was beautiful and intelligent, hoping to get some contraband info. She casually told me that when the donor came in for her first ultrasound a few weeks ago she was very quiet and standoffish and that she and the doctor even talked about it afterward wondering if she'd be ok with the whole donor process. My heart about stopped! After meeting with her yesterday, though, Connie said she was a totally different person and must have been really nervous about the first ultrasound. Of course she was! She's a young girl and we all know your first transvag isn't a party. Connie told me she feels good about the donor now. Whew!

I'm really feeling like I should write my lovely donor some sort of note of encouragement. It never occurred to me that she would be scared. But maybe it's best to leave it alone. I was planning on writing a letter after retrieval and keeping everything very anonymous up until then. I'll have to think about it.