We were looking through some old pictures on Easter and there was one of me as a toddler. Dollface looked at it and said, "Oh, look, that's me!" and we all laughed. My brother and I both strongly favor our dad, but DollFace and I also have faces shaped like my mother's. I couldn't help but think about my kid who will never have an experience like this. And I thought of myself who will never look into a child's eyes and say, "Lucky kid, got my eyelashes" or "He has that darn big head that runs in my family" (that could work in my favor come the time of the birth!).
I took both Stretch and Dollface to my cousin to get their hair cut today. The inevitable discussion began. "Stretch sure has her mother's hair." "Dollface's hair is just like L (the cousin's daughter). And every time I think, "Well, my kid won't have that experience, hope they're not scarred for life." and I kind of laugh to myself because I don't really believe they will be scarred but meanwhile my heart gives a little, sad ping for what my child will be missing. Will the pinging fade and disappear over time? I hope so.
I can't believe how often these types of comments come up in everyday conversation. Until I was told that my own genetic children were not possible I never noticed how much this is woven into everyday life. Seems like everyone is looking for that genetic connection. I guess I'm still working through the loss of that genetic connection with my child. Whew, the emotional side of this situation is a full time job.
I have completely accepted that an amazing woman is donating her genetics to my family because I could not provide my own. I have no qualms about going forward. I'm desperately waiting to begin my family. I already love my baby or at least it's DNA which is, this very moment, growing inside my lovely donor and frozen somewhere in a tube in California. I love everything it will become and I wish and pray everyday for it's safe arrival into my arms. I know in my heart that my child will inherit the most important part of me, my personality, spirit, work ethic, moral compass, sense of humor.
Yet, for now my heartstrings still ping a little for my unborn child and that genetic connection it won't have.