We were looking through some old pictures on Easter and there was one of me as a toddler. Dollface looked at it and said, "Oh, look, that's me!" and we all laughed. My brother and I both strongly favor our dad, but DollFace and I also have faces shaped like my mother's. I couldn't help but think about my kid who will never have an experience like this. And I thought of myself who will never look into a child's eyes and say, "Lucky kid, got my eyelashes" or "He has that darn big head that runs in my family" (that could work in my favor come the time of the birth!).
I took both Stretch and Dollface to my cousin to get their hair cut today. The inevitable discussion began. "Stretch sure has her mother's hair." "Dollface's hair is just like L (the cousin's daughter). And every time I think, "Well, my kid won't have that experience, hope they're not scarred for life." and I kind of laugh to myself because I don't really believe they will be scarred but meanwhile my heart gives a little, sad ping for what my child will be missing. Will the pinging fade and disappear over time? I hope so.
I can't believe how often these types of comments come up in everyday conversation. Until I was told that my own genetic children were not possible I never noticed how much this is woven into everyday life. Seems like everyone is looking for that genetic connection. I guess I'm still working through the loss of that genetic connection with my child. Whew, the emotional side of this situation is a full time job.
I have completely accepted that an amazing woman is donating her genetics to my family because I could not provide my own. I have no qualms about going forward. I'm desperately waiting to begin my family. I already love my baby or at least it's DNA which is, this very moment, growing inside my lovely donor and frozen somewhere in a tube in California. I love everything it will become and I wish and pray everyday for it's safe arrival into my arms. I know in my heart that my child will inherit the most important part of me, my personality, spirit, work ethic, moral compass, sense of humor.
Yet, for now my heartstrings still ping a little for my unborn child and that genetic connection it won't have.
I grew up with a girl who was adopted. She knew it, close family & friends knew it but the world at large had no idea (why would they?) Anyway, my friend & her Mom & Dad use to really get a kick when people would say things like, "She has your eyes" or "She looks just like her Dad"...& your child will get the very best part of you: your love!
ReplyDeleteI also know of adopted kids who strangers (like parents of other kids from the kindergarten) would come up to these kids parents and comment on how they look alike...
ReplyDeleteAnd I hear you on that ping you have (I do have one when a daddy is mentioned [espcially a kid calling out to his dad] knowing I've denied my daughter not only a father, but also of almost any information about him), but I probably can't fathom also the need to use donor egg. hugs.
I understand this. To some extent people will still comment on how you look alike. I'm adopted and people used to say I looked just like my parents. I also don't remember as a kid that being a very big deal. I know though that I've had somewhat similar thoughts about having a child that's not genetically mine and maybe being like me and walking early and being precocious like I was. I also sort of make myself feel better though that my child won't be getting some of my more undesirable genes either so there's good and bad.
ReplyDeleteI get the need to grieve over your child not having your genes....but we all know what motherhood means...and there's still possibilities that your child will have the same or similar features as you. Haven;t you ever noticed how some couples start to look alike after being together many years? i bet the same thing happens with adoptive and donor egg children. It's going to be so amazing getting to know your child, and you will see yourself in that child, in some way, shape or form - I promise!! xoxoxoxox
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