Sunday, April 25, 2010

No Sleep

Well, that's the last time I claim a "glorious nap". I was up all night...ALL night. There were storms and wind most of the night. I finally got out of bed for a few hours around 2am and did some reading and blog stalking. A side effect of the steroid? I'm resisting laying down this afternoon in hopes of sleeping tonight.

I went to the bridal shower of a co-worker this afternoon. This co-worker has mentioned several times that they will start trying for a baby soon after the wedding. Another co-worker who is in the first co-worker's wedding said today that she is going to start trying for a second child this summer too. These are two young healthy women so I'm sure they will find success quickly. I want to be in the "club" too. It will be unspeakably sad to face two pregnant young friends at work daily if I've had to give up and face a life without children. Please, please let me in the club.

Not quite a crash. I'm still confident, it's just a possible reality. I'm so tired.

Almost forgot, I've begun whittling my jumbo list of sperm donors down from 12 to 6. I know....way too many. The problem is I would like to switch from an anonymous donor to an open donor but none of the open donors are "speaking" to me in the way that my beloved Dave Indevial did. I knew right away he was the one. Yes, there are plenty who have acceptable height, hair color etc. looks are not that important to me but none have that certain something that just feels right to me. I really want to keep Dave. I didn't know I was so attached to Dave until I began trying to replace him. This is such an important decision and there are so many factors.

How I wish with all my heart that I did not have to use two donors. Why? Why did my life have to turn out like this? So alone and becoming a mother so damn complicated. Wanting a family of my own is the bigger wish that fills my heart with hope.

Now onward.


  1. Lack of sleep will definitely color your feelings the next day and the steroids can affect your sleep. I hope you're able to sleep tonight.
    Good luck on narrowing down the donor. that's always a tough one.

  2. Onward to YOUR baby! I know it will all be worth it and I'm so ready for you to get your baby!

  3. big hugs.
    Hope you're sleeping/slept better tonight!

  4. When I was told my donor wouldn't be available when I needed a vial, I was devastated at the thought of using a different on. I decided to skip trying that cycle if I had to 'cheat' on my donor. How ridiculous does that even sound!?!
    But I get where you're coming from, I guess that's the point.

  5. Sorry you aren't sleeping! I hate that - try to do productive things while I'm up. Huh. Usually I cruise the net and do sudoku. And read. Hope you get yourself back on track!

  6. Keep your eye on the prize my friend---it will ALL be worth it.