Thursday, June 30, 2011

Bike Riding

I can't understand why the arrow points down.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


Night brings our troubles to the light, rather than banishes them.
~~Seneca (Roman Philosopher)


Monday, June 27, 2011

Three Bees

I found a surprise package on my doorstep last week.
Three Bee Stepping Stones for my Three Little Bees.
I placed them at the base of Greyson's tree.
Thanks, Nell.
You are proof that there are truly wonderful people in the world.



Sunday, June 26, 2011

Hanging On



Saturday, June 25, 2011

M and M Salad and Fireflies

M & M Salad leftovers:
M and M Salad

Mmmm and mmmm

My first attempt at photographing lightening bugs:


Friday, June 24, 2011

Farm Photo Shoot

Thanks, MC, for shooting with me today.
I didn't end up with many decent shots.
Did you?


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Amish Country

Southern Illinois near my friend Jae's childhood home:


Amish Field Work 3

Clothesline and Outhouse

Levi's Mailbox

Jae's Family Race Horse Stable:

Horseshoes 2

Wy and Goat

Stable Switches


Wednesday, June 22, 2011


My favorite 6 year old:

Alyssa on the Carousel

My favorite photo of the day:


My favorite zoo animal:

Mama and Baby Giraffe

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Monday, June 20, 2011




Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day

The first holiday since my baby died that didn't nearly stop my heart although now writing about it I am feeling a little of that hard to breathe, punched in the stomach feeling.


Dad and I dropped Clara B. Dog and their Chihuahua, Tessa, off to be shaved for summer and then we took a long bike ride. I wish I could be more like my dad. He sees everything in such a good light always. Very positive about every thing no matter how wretched it may seem.


We got an ice cream and then picked up the dogs. Dad was so sweet the way he talked to Tessa and made funny noises at her. She really did look so cute with bows in her ears. And Clara B. Dog didn't look too shabby herself.

I made tacos for the whole clan here this evening and now everything is quiet. Too quiet.

It was so sweet to see Tessa run up to Mom. She was so excited as though she'd been away for weeks, dancing and seemed to be showing off her new haircut and bows. Mom is in her gardening gear. Yes, that would be no bra and a Bruce Springsteen style headband.

Clara B. Dog with her summer 'do.
Summer Haircut

Saturday, June 18, 2011


Friday, June 17, 2011

A Tree For Greyson



The Troops didn't know it but it's also for three little bees that I am really missing.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Hoof Trimming

First, the cow is walked through a shoot to stand next to the hoof trimming table. The table then tilts so the cow is on her side and the hooves accessible to the hoof trimmer. Most of the cows are accustomed to this and they remain calm. Most cows get a minor trimming but this cow had a serious abscess under her hoof so most of it was ground away to drain the hoof. Like cutting our fingernails, this does not hurt the animal and they feel relief once the pressure of the abscess is gone.
Grinding Hoof

A precut wooden support is glued to the hoof after trimming.
Gluing on Wooden Support

This takes the pressure off the abscessed side of the hoof so it can heal. It remains on the hoof until it wears away or is removed at the next hoof trimming session.
Wooden "Wedge" Under Injured Foot

Wrapped up with blue vetwrap.
129/365 - 1

New Footwear

Checking out her fancy new footwear.
129/365 - 2

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Second Negative

Beta #2 negative, of course.
What a total fool I was to think there was such happiness for me.

I laid around last week worried about what I'd do if they all never occurred to me once that none of them would stay. How could I let myself be that certain?

What an idiot to be so damn confident that this was finally time for my family.
Life never works that way for me. I'm not meant for dreams. I have no idea what made me think I even had a chance.

I'm angry at myself for believing it could really happen...that it did happen.
Naive and stupid.
I'll never let the universe trick me like that again.
I'll be bitter and jaded for the rest of my life.

My poor embies....
There's no softness in my thoughts anywhere.
I won't be comforted.

My only denial that she's at the veterinarian's office...only if you look closely in her eyes do you see the anxiety.
Where the vet's assistant was about 11 months pregnant.
Are you done with me, Universe? Had enough laughs yet?
I'm awfully tired of being kicked around.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Negative Beta

I just couldn't hold out so I requested my first beta result be sent by email:

"Hi, Paige,

I am sorry to tell you that your first beta was negative. I hate to email you news. Can you please still go for your second one tomorrow? We can talk about stopping meds then if it is still negative.

Again, Paige, I’m sorry.

One hour after I read this email I had to walk into school for a workshop
and pretend I was normal.

Why didn't I hold out for the second beta?
I could have been "pregnant" one more day.

I was so very sure they were there.
How could I have gotten it so wrong?

I told them I loved them every night.
Outloud like an overconfident fool.

How can my heart still be beating?


Monday, June 13, 2011

Beta Test #1

No news, just photos:

Beta Pregnancy Test #1

Sunday, June 12, 2011

TTW Craziness

Symptom Watch 2011:
~ Weird, mild cramps this morning.
~ Farting up a storm (Shut up, it's a symptom!)
~ A few panicky moments today when my "enjoy pregnancy whatever may come" attitude
failed me and I just knew my babies weren't with me. I thought I suddenly couldn't
feel their energy and I thought it meant they, or some of them or one of them had left.

A little batty you may think? Me too but unavoidable.

Still a way different experience from my first crazy train post transfer wait. What non-stop mental hand wringing I did. What an emotionally tormented wreck I was.

First beta is tomorrow and my clinic doesn't give you those results unless you request them sighting that it's the difference between the first and second beta that is the true positive.

Although I'm, for the most part, enjoying this PUPO time, I'm just not sure I'll be able to hold out till the second beta...

An early breakfast out at a local diner with Mom and Dad, then to church where I sat with my cousin, KR and her son. I've only been to this church a few times but we've never crossed paths.

An old railroad overpass was the subject for my camera this afternoon:


In my very young and dumb youth, I used to think that a boy writing your name on this bridge would be the height of romance.
Lovely Graffiti

This was a lucky shot, though I wish I had been able to get more of that cool car in the frame:
125/365 - 2

Somethings I saw scared me. This bridge doesn't seem to be in very good shape although you'd never know it just from driving under it. Trains go over this bridge multiple times a day.
Deteriorating Bridge

This guy was a bonus. He must have been very hungry because he allowed me to get quite close:
Butterfly on Thistle 2

Saturday, June 11, 2011


Anybody else getting so, so, so impatient waiting for my beta day to come??

Can you believe I've taken pictures for 124 days? Truthfully, I thought I would have given up by now or at least skipped multiple days. It's so rewarding to capture the beauty my eyes see even in an old barn door.

Dad and E visiting after milking:


Pretty sure they were talking about farts here:

Eric and Dad

Just love how the latch has worn an arc in the calf barn door:

Calf Barn Door Latch

Singalong Flop

I've been looking forward to this evening for weeks. For Mother's Day, C and I got tickets for us all to go see the Singalong Sound of Music. SC and I went to this event several years ago and I remember it been so much fun. This is a movie we all love and I thought it would be such a great thing to share this experience with the women in my family.

Well, I could yammer on here about my immature and negative mother, my impatient, knowitall sister-in-law, moody teenaged niece, whiny younger niece and my own mopey self. But what good would it do? I should have known better than to plan a big event like this for us all and think that it would live up to my expectations. Who the hell did I think we were, The Waltons? I think and hope the others at least had a pleasant time.

Literally as we stepped outside the door of Powell Hall, a huge storm blew up so we had to walk very fast to the car (I'm not supposed to do any kind of aerobic activity post embryo transfer). The drive home was terrifying. It was raining very hard and I couldn't see worth a shit. My sister in law was crying and screaming in the back seat (not exaggerating...things like "OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!). Stretch was actually comforting her mother. Dollface was totally still and silent. I'm pretty sure she was right though, I almost got us killed a few times. I was so scared.

Can embryos be scared away?
I'm really grateful to be home and will be saying an extra prayer tonight for sure both for my family and my embryos.

At City Diner before the show:
City Diner with the Girls

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Karate Chopping Doubt

Yesterday I had slight cramping and thrumming and a full feeling down there in Uterustown. And a singing, happy, giggling heart. I was totally flooded with giddy confidence that I was pregnant. Today those slight symptoms are floating away and so is my confidence. I'm trying to karate chop the doubts but, you know, they nag at me and it's tough.

That cramping could have been from the procedure itself, the doctor just stirring things up down there, couldn't it?
HIIII-YAAAA! No way....I'm pregnant. Pregnant, do you hear me????

So the bad news is, my camera is on the fritz. The funny news is, when my bro and I were talking about me buying his camera a few months ago, he said he would have to arrange it so he could get a new camera before passing his old one along to me because he wouldn't be without a camera. I laughed at that because who can't live for a while without a camera.

Ummm....these days I eat those words because that now would be me who can't seem to be without a camera nearby. I have my old point and shoot (No, no, no. I won't go back, don't make me.) and my bro has agreed to let me borrow his new one while he looks at my old one. Don't know whether to wish the old camera is ok because I'm still learning about it and can't really afford a new one right now....or wish the old camera is kaput because....doi...NEW CAMERA!!!

Some of my favs from my own mini-photo shoot at our farm:

Number 5

From Inside Hay Barn and Dixie Dog

Oil House and Gas Tanks