Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Negative Beta

I just couldn't hold out so I requested my first beta result be sent by email:

"Hi, Paige,

I am sorry to tell you that your first beta was negative. I hate to email you news. Can you please still go for your second one tomorrow? We can talk about stopping meds then if it is still negative.

Again, Paige, I’m sorry.
CB, LPN"

One hour after I read this email I had to walk into school for a workshop
and pretend I was normal.

Why didn't I hold out for the second beta?
I could have been "pregnant" one more day.

I was so very sure they were there.
How could I have gotten it so wrong?

I told them I loved them every night.
Outloud like an overconfident fool.

How can my heart still be beating?







127/365
127/365
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43 comments:

  1. JennyJune 14, 2011 at 9:33 PM

    I'm so sorry, Paige.

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  2. waiting and wishingJune 14, 2011 at 9:34 PM

    I'm sorry, Paige.

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  3. MookiePieJune 14, 2011 at 9:34 PM

    Paige, I am so sorry.

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  4. TiaraJune 14, 2011 at 9:36 PM

    I'm so sorry, Paige...unfair.

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  5. RoccieJune 14, 2011 at 9:38 PM

    Oh Paige.

    Paige I am really sorry it is negative. What a huge disappointment. I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  6. GilleJune 14, 2011 at 9:39 PM

    I'm sorry, Paige.

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  7. MegJune 14, 2011 at 9:43 PM

    I'm so sorry that it was negative. I don't think you were being foolish for beaming them all that love I think you were being a good mama. Many hugs being sent your way

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  8. AnonymousJune 14, 2011 at 9:46 PM

    I'm so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Kathy

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  9. inBetweenJune 14, 2011 at 9:59 PM

    Crap. That totally sucks; I am so sorry.

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  10. MeredithJune 14, 2011 at 10:03 PM

    I feel like crying, I'm so so so sorry Paige. I agree with Meg above about how you were being a good mom thinking loving thoughts and saying loving things. This is so hard.

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  11. Melissa BeckJune 14, 2011 at 10:14 PM

    Paige- Jeannie and I are sitting here reading this together and we wish we were there with you. I'm so very sorry that this didn't happen. So, so sorry.

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  12. GenkicatJune 14, 2011 at 10:20 PM

    Paige I'm so very sorry. Its really, really not fair.

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  13. UnknownJune 14, 2011 at 10:27 PM

    Paige, I'm so sorry:(

    Hoping that tomorrow's beta changes things.

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  14. JennyJune 14, 2011 at 10:32 PM

    Oh Paige, I'm so very sorry. It shouldn't have been this way for you.

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  15. A Shadow of My Former SelfJune 14, 2011 at 11:07 PM

    Hi Paige, I am so sorry to hear this news.

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  16. SLES75June 14, 2011 at 11:33 PM

    Sending hugs....sorry just isn't enough

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  17. IsisJune 14, 2011 at 11:34 PM

    Oh Paige that really sucks, I'm sorry.

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  18. EvelynJune 14, 2011 at 11:46 PM

    I'm really sorry to hear this.

    You're not an overconfident fool by the way. I like that you tell them you love them.

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  19. JenJune 14, 2011 at 11:50 PM

    :(

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  20. AnonymousJune 15, 2011 at 12:27 AM

    I'm sorry, and you are definitely not a fool! I wish they could have stayed with you. I could go into a whole rant about how incredibly not fair it is... but I'll just send you a huge cyber hug instead. Thinking about you tonight.

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  21. KanisJune 15, 2011 at 12:40 AM

    I'm so sorry Paige. I received my negative beta yesterday. Sucks.

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  22. ShannonJune 15, 2011 at 12:55 AM

    I'm so sorry. You feel them so strongly - they're close, but just not ready quite yet, I guess.

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  23. GurleeJune 15, 2011 at 2:19 AM

    I'm so sorry, my thoughts are with you.

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  24. JessicaJune 15, 2011 at 5:53 AM

    Sending you a great big hug...I am so sad with you.

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  25. Twin MommyJune 15, 2011 at 5:59 AM

    There are no words to express how sorry I am, and how utterly unfair life can be at times. ((HUGS))

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  26. AshleyJune 15, 2011 at 6:52 AM

    I'm so sorry. Sending my (((hugs))) your way.

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  27. Selkie MomJune 15, 2011 at 7:00 AM

    I am so sorry. I am hopeful things will be different today.

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  28. gwinneJune 15, 2011 at 7:08 AM

    I'm so sorry. Obviously it's still possible, or the nurse wouldn't ask you to go for a second test (your clinic tests 6 days earlier than mine!). I'm hoping for you.

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  29. MaggieJune 15, 2011 at 7:16 AM

    Sorry :-(

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  30. NellJune 15, 2011 at 7:33 AM

    Paige, sweetie, my thoughts are with you. I've admired your strength and your grace for so long now.

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  31. KimJune 15, 2011 at 8:15 AM

    I was very sure too, I guess that makes two fools. I'm beyond bummed, I am so sorry my friend. :(

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  32. taylorJune 15, 2011 at 9:39 AM

    Hi Paige, I'm so sorry. I had my negative beta on Saturday and I understand exactly what you are experiencing. I've visited your blog every day to see the great news and my heart breaks for you. I know there are no words to help you feel any better especially after what you went through with Greyson. I know it took so much courage to even try again. I get that. I have the chills as I write this. I am just so sad for you, my friend. I'm thinking of you.

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  33. DoraJune 15, 2011 at 9:59 AM

    Oh, Paige, I'm so very sorry. I have heard that frozen sometimes take longer to implant. Hoping that's the case, and the second beta will be a wonderful surprise.

    And I agree with Taylor, you are a very courageous woman. Big hug.

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  34. EbJune 15, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    Paige, I am so sorry. So very sorry.

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  35. IllanareJune 15, 2011 at 2:26 PM

    Oh Paige. I am so sorry. Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  36. AnonymousJune 15, 2011 at 3:41 PM

    Paigey....I'm sorry. I've been thinking about you. Sending you many hugs!!
    Sarah

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  37. JoiJune 15, 2011 at 5:40 PM

    I have no words, Paige. I am praying for you and thinking of you. I am just so sorry,

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  38. battynurseJune 15, 2011 at 7:11 PM

    Damn. I'm so sorry.

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  39. AnonymousJune 15, 2011 at 7:40 PM

    I'm so terribly sorry, Paige. But I am holding out hope the results of your second beta bring you so much happiness, not heartache.
    ~Big Hug~

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  40. MichaelaJune 15, 2011 at 9:12 PM

    Paige I am so, so sorry!!

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  41. Erin in MassachusettsJune 15, 2011 at 9:17 PM

    I sit here beside you... dumbfounded and angry.

    xoxox
    Erin in Massachusetts

    ReplyDelete
  42. BillyJune 20, 2011 at 5:09 PM

    I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete

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