Second Negative

Beta #2 negative, of course.
What a total fool I was to think there was such happiness for me.

I laid around last week worried about what I'd do if they all stayed...it never occurred to me once that none of them would stay. How could I let myself be that certain?

What an idiot to be so damn confident that this was finally time for my family.
Life never works that way for me. I'm not meant for dreams. I have no idea what made me think I even had a chance.

I'm angry at myself for believing it could really happen...that it did happen.
Naive and stupid.
I'll never let the universe trick me like that again.
I'll be bitter and jaded for the rest of my life.

My poor embies....
There's no softness in my thoughts anywhere.
I won't be comforted.



My only baby...in denial that she's at the veterinarian's office...only if you look closely in her eyes do you see the anxiety.

Where the vet's assistant was about 11 months pregnant.
Are you done with me, Universe? Had enough laughs yet?
I'm awfully tired of being kicked around.

Negative Beta

I just couldn't hold out so I requested my first beta result be sent by email:

"Hi, Paige,

I am sorry to tell you that your first beta was negative. I hate to email you news. Can you please still go for your second one tomorrow? We can talk about stopping meds then if it is still negative.

Again, Paige, I’m sorry.
CB, LPN"

One hour after I read this email I had to walk into school for a workshop
and pretend I was normal.

Why didn't I hold out for the second beta?
I could have been "pregnant" one more day.

I was so very sure they were there.
How could I have gotten it so wrong?

I told them I loved them every night.
Outloud like an overconfident fool.

How can my heart still be beating?







127/365

Beta Test #1

No news, just photos:

TTW Craziness

Symptom Watch 2011:
~ Weird, mild cramps this morning.
~ Farting up a storm (Shut up, it's a symptom!)
~ A few panicky moments today when my "enjoy pregnancy whatever may come" attitude
failed me and I just knew my babies weren't with me. I thought I suddenly couldn't
feel their energy and I thought it meant they, or some of them or one of them had left.

A little batty you may think? Me too but unavoidable.

Still a way different experience from my first crazy train post transfer wait. What non-stop mental hand wringing I did. What an emotionally tormented wreck I was.

First beta is tomorrow and my clinic doesn't give you those results unless you request them sighting that it's the difference between the first and second beta that is the true positive.

Although I'm, for the most part, enjoying this PUPO time, I'm just not sure I'll be able to hold out till the second beta...

An early breakfast out at a local diner with Mom and Dad, then to church where I sat with my cousin, KR and her son. I've only been to this church a few times but we've never crossed paths.

An old railroad overpass was the subject for my camera this afternoon:



In my very young and dumb youth, I used to think that a boy writing your name on this bridge would be the height of romance.


This was a lucky shot, though I wish I had been able to get more of that cool car in the frame:


Somethings I saw scared me. This bridge doesn't seem to be in very good shape although you'd never know it just from driving under it. Trains go over this bridge multiple times a day.


This guy was a bonus. He must have been very hungry because he allowed me to get quite close:

Karate Chopping Doubt

Yesterday I had slight cramping and thrumming and a full feeling down there in Uterustown. And a singing, happy, giggling heart. I was totally flooded with giddy confidence that I was pregnant. Today those slight symptoms are floating away and so is my confidence. I'm trying to karate chop the doubts but, you know, they nag at me and it's tough.

That cramping could have been from the procedure itself, the doctor just stirring things up down there, couldn't it?
HIIII-YAAAA! No way....I'm pregnant. Pregnant, do you hear me????

So the bad news is, my camera is on the fritz. The funny news is, when my bro and I were talking about me buying his camera a few months ago, he said he would have to arrange it so he could get a new camera before passing his old one along to me because he wouldn't be without a camera. I laughed at that because who can't live for a while without a camera.

Ummm....these days I eat those words because that now would be me who can't seem to be without a camera nearby. I have my old point and shoot (No, no, no. I won't go back, don't make me.) and my bro has agreed to let me borrow his new one while he looks at my old one. Don't know whether to wish the old camera is ok because I'm still learning about it and can't really afford a new one right now....or wish the old camera is kaput because....doi...NEW CAMERA!!!


Some of my favs from my own mini-photo shoot at our farm:

Snuggling In

What did I do today, you ask?

Laid around, loving my embies and visualizing them looking around, smiling, sighing (like you do when you know you're home) and snuggling in.

Please, embies, snuggle in and stay for a while.

Little Loves

I'm PUPO! And very happy.

Quite a different experience from the first embryo transfer. I remember being super nervous and keyed up. Also, the clinic had a waiting room full of people. Even the procedure room had several people buzzing around and it was so hot in there. I remember a tense feeling coming from Dr. AA during my first procedure. I had a constant, nagging fickle back and forth feeling of ... it's going to work...no it's not.

Today was wonderful though. I seemed to be the only patient there and I felt like a queen. The Dr was relaxed and everyone was just wonderful. Dr. AA said he had a good feeling...and I don't even care if he says that to everyone.

As for me, I have a good feeling too. An abnormally good, great, awesome feeling. I've rarely felt such a strong feeling of confidence and well-being. And an overwhelming feeling of love for my embryos. I was nearly giddy with it. I was able to quickly disarm the couple negative thoughts I had and send them packing. I guess the Reiki, acupuncture and good mojo from the blogosphere has permeated and surrounded me, blocking any negativity.

I don't think I'm going to POAS or even get my first beta result. I want to love and care for these embryos to the best of my ability and cherish every moment of being pregnant, no matter what happens.

Second beta: Wednesday, June 15.


My little loves:

Good Bye First Grade

Two hours tomorrow and then we're DONE with the 2010/2011 school year. For the first time in 13 years, I cried while giving my little goodbye speech. I was trying to tell them how I had enjoyed being their teacher and I was so proud of all the hard work we had done and they should be sure to visit me next year when they were big second graders. The tears just came. I was surprised that some of them cried a little too. These children were with me through the best and worst weeks of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm very ready to see them go, but I'll never forget them.


Three injections tonight. I'm coming, babies, I'm coming.

My Sweet Little Stragglers

No school for me today. I was grateful to have a day to recover from my girl's weekend in the Windy City. However, the real reason I took a sick day was to have a confab with Dr. AA and his sidekick, Wanda the Dildocam. Everything is quiet on the uterinefront and the doctor spoke confidently of going forward. As an extra bonus, Wanda goosed Madame Red while she was poking around in there so the good lady would finally show herself. Jeez, it seems like I spend a lot of time waiting for her.

Dr. AA and I had a long talk about our embryo report. It is my understanding that I have 2 of "good" quality, 2 of "ok" quality and 2 "stragglers" that probably don't have a good chance. Those are my simplistic words to describe a lot of complicated numbers which I don't really understand. My idea had always been to transfer two at a time until there was a baby or they were gone. However, I got to thinking about my two stragglers. I don't know how many cycles I have left in me emotionally or financially and I CANNOT bear the idea of not giving those two little ones a chance just because I'm finally truly broken and can't go on. My idea was to transfer the two best ones and one of the stragglers this time and if needed all the rest next time.

Well, the good Doctor did not like me using that term "stragglers". I didn't mean anything negative by it. I love those two as much as the rest if not more. Always a soft place in my heart for those who are weaker or struggle.

He talked a long time and used many words to say we just don't know what will happen when any of them are thawed out and there is just as much chance of a baby in the stragglers as in the others. Ummm...I think that was my point. I don't want to (won't) leave them behind. He was very kind about it but said they don't really work by a plan that way. They thaw out two or three and watch them for a few hours and then keep thawing if they have to in order to get two or three to transfer.

Onward, we go. And onward we flow.

I talked it over with Reiki Lady who asked me what number I had in mind for transfer and agreed it would probably be three. I explained about my sweet little stragglers and she said that the third one would "show himself" to the doctor. He would know exactly which one. Again she talked with such confidence on my behalf. I look into her eyes and know she's telling me the truth.

She also said my energy about going forward was mostly positive, only 10 or so percent negative but the negative was a nagging negative. Every time I have a negative thought, I'm to quickly create three positive scenarios from the negative idea. They can even be funny or silly scenarios. I guess that's to help my left brain shut up a little.

Very few images this time, but I did see Mom and I in the hospital just as before. Only this time we were smiling great big smiles. With teeth showing and everything.

You had to know she would show up in the 365 Photograph Challenge sometime, didn't you?
Wanda The Dildocam
My BFF during IVF and FET.

The Lab

I know my posts have been upbeat lately. Healing is taking place and life is ok but the truth is there are a lot of moments, hours, even days during which I feel like I'm barely holding my head above water. And a lot of moments when I feel myself slip under and have to struggle to the surface again. I'm only a few days away from our due date which I have to somehow survive without hearing my baby's cry. There are no heartfelt poetic words to describe it. Part of me is dead and will be for as long as I live. How do I learn to live with that?

I had a calendar review today for the new cycle. Moving toward the new cycle is one of the things helping me stay above water. While we were going over the quality of the eggs I have left (not as good as I'd hoped), the nurse said I was very lucky to have some frozen and used almost the exact words the doctor did, "There's a baby in there somewhere."

They let me see the lab and snap a few pics. I could follow those embryologists around all day asking questions.

Pop In 2

I remembered my camera when I did my second round of pop in visits to MB and JK in their high school Spanish classrooms. I'm loving getting a snapshot of my friends in their workplaces. Teaching high school seems like such fun! Although I'm sure my friends would disagree and I realize I only had a very short time to experience it as a visitor. They really know their stuff and I could tell their kids knew a lot of Spanish. I really got a kick out of them playing "Chispa" which is Spanish for "Sparkle", a spelling game we play in first grade too.

Sometimes I wish my friends and I could all work together is some fantasy charter school or live together in a Yaya sorority house. It would be a great reality series. Any ideas for a title or jazzy theme song?

I actually made the call today.
I am actually signed up for a May/June FET.
Even the possibility of pregnancy is special.
The slimmest chance of a baby is a great treasure.

Let the anxiety and worry begin.
Let hope grow and grow.
Let the praying begin.

The Amazing MB:
(Note what the student's t-shirt says. This is the fourth reference to twins I've seen this week.)



The Amazing JK: