Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Second Negative

Beta #2 negative, of course.
What a total fool I was to think there was such happiness for me.

I laid around last week worried about what I'd do if they all stayed...it never occurred to me once that none of them would stay. How could I let myself be that certain?

What an idiot to be so damn confident that this was finally time for my family.
Life never works that way for me. I'm not meant for dreams. I have no idea what made me think I even had a chance.

I'm angry at myself for believing it could really happen...that it did happen.
Naive and stupid.
I'll never let the universe trick me like that again.
I'll be bitter and jaded for the rest of my life.

My poor embies....
There's no softness in my thoughts anywhere.
I won't be comforted.



My only baby...in denial that she's at the veterinarian's office...only if you look closely in her eyes do you see the anxiety.
128/365
Where the vet's assistant was about 11 months pregnant.
Are you done with me, Universe? Had enough laughs yet?
I'm awfully tired of being kicked around.

28 comments:

  1. I don't even know what to say except that I am so very sorry. And I do know the pain you are going through. It will get better and I don't know how but you will have your family. HUGS!!!

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  2. Oh Paige, I'm so very sorry. You don't deserve this pain.

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  3. Paige, sweetie, you are in my thoughts! I think we have to be optimistic as we go into each step of this or we would never be able to make that step. It's all too big and scarey. You have every right to be mad at life right now. It truly truly sucks. If ever anyone deserved to be a mom, it's you and I pray it will happen.

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  4. My heart aches for you. Love you, Paige.

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  5. It doesn feel like that sometimes doesn't it? You were right to be positive about the cycle.

    Hang in there.

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  6. I share your pain and sadness. I have no words other than to say I am sorry.

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  7. Dearest Paige, my heart is breaking for you. This sucks. You can been bitter and jaded until you're done being bitter and jaded. you have every right to feel that way. I'm so sorry. If you need to talk, cry, scream, whatever, I'm here.

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  8. Paige, all that I can say is I am so sorry. :(. You deserve this joy - we all do.

    My appt yday did not go well at all & my dr swears we're all responding peculiarly so maybe the solar flare. Or lunar eclipse. Or blame what you want but NOT yourself. Thinking of you

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  9. I'm so sorry, Paige. It's mind-boggling and I wish I could take all the pain away. Sending you thoughts of comfort and strength.

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  10. Paige, I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you.

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  11. This is so devastating Paige. Words can't convey how sorry I am. I don't know when, and I don't know how, but I hope and believe that you will have another baby. I know it's too soon to discuss, but maybe C will reiterate what she offered in April.

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  12. I bet you and your furbaby share similar expressions right now. Hugs Paige, I don't know that there's anything I can say to make you feel better, and why would I want to, it's ok to feel whatever you're feeling right now. It's part of this process I like to call hell. I'm sorry, truly very sorry it wasn't a different ending.

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  13. I know our words can't comfort you right now but please know that you are in my thoughts.

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  14. BFN never get any easier but there is a family waiting for you. I believe that with all my heart and soul. Whatever the path, your resilience and energy will get you there. Hang on tight to the words of love above.

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  15. Paige I am so sorry. Please take good care of yourself. Your optimism was not foolish at all. This just sucks and I am sorry you are going through it.

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  16. I feel that pain from you - the total disbelief that NONE of them stayed. Been there. Does the RE have any explanation? I would consider getting a WTF appt to get his side of the story - were the numbers all good (as they always were with me) or could the protocol have been adjusted? After a while you think there's more to it than jusst bad luck, although maybe not in your case! So sorry this time didn't work out.

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  17. Paige, you are definitely not a fool. We all go into this with hope and excitement. As someone else mentioned, we wouldn't do it if we didn't have hope. That being said, it's ok for you to feel the way you do right now. Life hasn't been fair to you and you have every right to kick and scream and cry about it. I would like to kick and scream and cry about it for you.

    Take extra special care of yourself. Know that there are many people thinking of you and praying that your dreams come true some day.

    *hugs*

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  18. Horribly unfair. I am so, so sorry Paige. Like the others are saying, you can't think of yourself as a fool at all. I know that feeling so well though and it really, really stings. Remember though, you had to be hopeful for those little embryos. It is a cruel world for those having trouble conceiving and with losses. You have to have hope but then you have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off over and over again. It totally sucks. Know I'm thinking of you.
    love, inB

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  19. I'm so disappointed for you. That just plain stinks. I think a positive attitude helps but I definitely understand how hard it is when you get your hopes up and then they are dashed.

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  20. Your babies are still waiting for you. I know it.

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  21. Paigey....So sorry to hear all of this. Thinking of you and sending you hugs through cyberspace! Hugs!!!
    Sarah

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  22. I wish you didnt have to wait any more. I wish you didnt know loss and disappointment like you do.

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  23. I'm so sorry about your beta and so sorry that I'm behind on your news. I know how you feel about being so expectant then so disappointed. Both our good news will come :) Love to you always xoxo
    {newyearmum2.blogspot.com}

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  24. I'm pissed at the universe for you. I can't believe the shit you've been through and how things are NOT fair.
    In CR, wishing that I was there to hold your hand.
    My heart is broken for you too.
    :(

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  25. Paige, I am so sorry. I'm not gonna lie. I would be completely bitter too. :((( The yas are here for you if you need anything...

    :((((,

    Jeannie

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