Flowers At School

I was STUNNED to receive flowers at work today. I assure you this has never happened before. Thank you, Nell, for brightening my day during a rough time of the year for me. You are a very special person.




See how they brighten up my space at work:

Music Box

Little Lamb

Eight Months Ago

Eight months ago I gave birth to my son, beautiful, still and silent.

He is no less, just because he is not here.


Support Group:

55

Post Office

Just Beyond Your Touch

Just beyond your touch
I can almost hear you
in the whisper of the breeze,
as it gently comes and touches my tear stained face
...
I just want to hold you in my arms
Keep you whole, alive, and safe

written by Lisa Wier, in memory of her son, James

Parted

Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell. ~Emily Dickinson, "Parting"

Night

Night brings our troubles to the light, rather than banishes them.
~~Seneca (Roman Philosopher)

141/365

Three Bees

I found a surprise package on my doorstep last week.
Three Bee Stepping Stones for my Three Little Bees.
I placed them at the base of Greyson's tree.
Thanks, Nell.
You are proof that there are truly wonderful people in the world.


140/365

Father's Day

The first holiday since my baby died that didn't nearly stop my heart although now writing about it I am feeling a little of that hard to breathe, punched in the stomach feeling.

Anyway.

Dad and I dropped Clara B. Dog and their Chihuahua, Tessa, off to be shaved for summer and then we took a long bike ride. I wish I could be more like my dad. He sees everything in such a good light always. Very positive about every thing no matter how wretched it may seem.

Anyway.

We got an ice cream and then picked up the dogs. Dad was so sweet the way he talked to Tessa and made funny noises at her. She really did look so cute with bows in her ears. And Clara B. Dog didn't look too shabby herself.

I made tacos for the whole clan here this evening and now everything is quiet. Too quiet.

It was so sweet to see Tessa run up to Mom. She was so excited as though she'd been away for weeks, dancing and seemed to be showing off her new haircut and bows. Mom is in her gardening gear. Yes, that would be no bra and a Bruce Springsteen style headband.


Clara B. Dog with her summer 'do.

Second Negative

Beta #2 negative, of course.
What a total fool I was to think there was such happiness for me.

I laid around last week worried about what I'd do if they all stayed...it never occurred to me once that none of them would stay. How could I let myself be that certain?

What an idiot to be so damn confident that this was finally time for my family.
Life never works that way for me. I'm not meant for dreams. I have no idea what made me think I even had a chance.

I'm angry at myself for believing it could really happen...that it did happen.
Naive and stupid.
I'll never let the universe trick me like that again.
I'll be bitter and jaded for the rest of my life.

My poor embies....
There's no softness in my thoughts anywhere.
I won't be comforted.



My only baby...in denial that she's at the veterinarian's office...only if you look closely in her eyes do you see the anxiety.

Where the vet's assistant was about 11 months pregnant.
Are you done with me, Universe? Had enough laughs yet?
I'm awfully tired of being kicked around.

Negative Beta

I just couldn't hold out so I requested my first beta result be sent by email:

"Hi, Paige,

I am sorry to tell you that your first beta was negative. I hate to email you news. Can you please still go for your second one tomorrow? We can talk about stopping meds then if it is still negative.

Again, Paige, I’m sorry.
CB, LPN"

One hour after I read this email I had to walk into school for a workshop
and pretend I was normal.

Why didn't I hold out for the second beta?
I could have been "pregnant" one more day.

I was so very sure they were there.
How could I have gotten it so wrong?

I told them I loved them every night.
Outloud like an overconfident fool.

How can my heart still be beating?







127/365

Room With Potential

I can't believe I'm about to share this.
Yayas, you may want to look away for this one.
Really!

It's a picture of my "back" room. It's a shameful mess. My grandmother is spinning in her grave right now. Doesn't it look like the beginnings of hoarding?

I was thinking it's a metaphor for my life. Once it was my "office" it was fixed up and although I wasn't really satisfied with the decor, it was ok looking.

For a while, just like me, it was full of an exciting kind of potential. Just the weekend before the sad, bad thing happened, I had emptied out the secretary in the corner and was planning on soon getting help moving the big stuff out. Dreaming about moving a crib in.

Now it's a wreck, just like me.

Full of leftover junk from the kitchen remodel, Christmas presents that haven't found a home, crap that fell out of the closet that I was too lazy to pick up, Dollface's art supplies and toys, Sweet Pea's ultrasounds and memory box, bookshelf emptied of my books and waiting for baby's stuff, photography stuff, tech stuff, FET paperwork, school stuff.

Everything's in there. It's a mess, just like my life. I can't tell if I'm going forward or backward. I can't get this room together and I can't get myself together either.


Perhaps there is still potential though.



Let's call these "before" pictures, be on the look out for "after" soon:

Wishes

I wish I could stop looking back.

I wish I was writing about our birth story or how I was at my wit's end from sharing stressfully sweet sleepless nights with a newborn instead of about dumb birds and stupid barns.




I wish my friends didn't have to be in pain.

I wish people didn't have to die.

Due Date Update

Maybe you've noticed that I haven't written a word since our due date over a week ago. Weird, huh? I'm not really sure why. Although there was certainly a cyclone of emotions going on, I guess I didn't feel the need to release them to the universe. Perhaps I was waiting for the due date to fully embrace acceptance. Although it feels like that will never happen 100%.

Due Date Update:
I was dreading this day so very much. It was properly horrid but I fought my way through the day and survived. I was actually at work, keeping busy and holding on by my fingernails but doing ok until a younger teacher tripped by saying she had to check on another teacher who was suffering with morning sickness. She had just found out she was pregnant. The bottom fell out for me and the rest of the day was very painful and I wasn't sure I would survive it. However, I guess no one has died from a broken heart or from too much crying, so here I am.

The family and friends (and of course all of YOU kind readers) really did gather round and I had wonderful support. One sweet coworker actually gave me a card and flowers. Surprisingly, my dad was the most prevalent but you'd never get him to admit that he stopped by here everyday for over a week in the days surrounding our due date. Always some little repair or item to drop off or pick up. Luckily, I can translate "Dadspeak".

The next day I felt markedly improved but still pretty low. That other pregnant teacher started having contractions on Friday which rounded out the week of misery. For a few days I could not stop thinking about what giving birth to my live son on or near our due date would have been like. I was tormented with wondering about this and being broken hearted that it didn't happen.

The day after our due date, a big box of medication arrived for the upcoming FET. Familiar names on the bottles, familiar syringes, familiar instructions...but such unfamiliar emotions. Dread, that "Oh God, here we go again" feeling, a little hope, a lot of fear. I guess I haven't really embraced acceptance fully because I just can't believe I have to slam shots into myself again.

Something happened that next day. I was able to start exercising and tracking my food intake. I've done both everyday since. I also stopped writing as you know and didn't even go to my support group that week. Not really sure what is going on with that.

I had a double whammy this week. Counseling and Reiki on the same evening. RK, THE counselor advised me to put nearly every thing I have into being as healthy and positive as I can be for this new cycle while at the same time preparing a small part of myself for what could happen. Reiki Lady is still extremely sure I will become a mother. She said the feminine part of my body is dancing and ready to go while the right leg which is in charge of stepping into new experiences is very stiff. Interesting because I've been having some pain in my right knee and hip while exercising. I didn't have too many images come to me this time but did picture myself dancing and also had an image of a picture I wanted to take (Rapunzel's tower) rather than pictures I had already taken which is what usually comes to me.

My son died on my dad's birthday.
I begin taking medication for the new cycle on my mom's birthday.
Our embryo transfer is June 7.

It's time to look to the future.
But I sure miss my boy.



Now for a laugh after that heavily serious post.
Bucket of Chicken:

Stormy Weather

The other night my photo friends and I were talking about how difficult it must be to photograph lightning. Special equipment needed and so on. We had a big storm last night with tons of lightning strikes and I just thought I'd try. I didn't think I could really do it and joked with my brother that if I did it would be one hell of a fluke and I could just end my photography hobby right then and there.

Shazaam:

I know. I'm a BRAT.

More rain today:


Fine with me as it suits my frame of mind.



I received an anonymous Butterfly Bag from Sarah's Laughter on Thursday. If one of my blogging friends is responsible thank you very much. It means so much to me that people remember Greyson and think of us.

I can feel the family circling closer as our due date approaches. Dad has stopped by everyday since Wednesday. I usually have Easter at my house but the kitchen is still discombobulated from the floor installation and the fact that I just got around to sealing the grout today. Also:
Dad: I'll cook on Sunday.
Me: It really doesn't matter. I don't care.
Dad: I think it does matter. I'm cooking on Sunday.

Mom is really struggling too but stopped by yesterday and had the girls and me over to dye eggs today.

My heart is just so heavy.

The Lab

I know my posts have been upbeat lately. Healing is taking place and life is ok but the truth is there are a lot of moments, hours, even days during which I feel like I'm barely holding my head above water. And a lot of moments when I feel myself slip under and have to struggle to the surface again. I'm only a few days away from our due date which I have to somehow survive without hearing my baby's cry. There are no heartfelt poetic words to describe it. Part of me is dead and will be for as long as I live. How do I learn to live with that?

I had a calendar review today for the new cycle. Moving toward the new cycle is one of the things helping me stay above water. While we were going over the quality of the eggs I have left (not as good as I'd hoped), the nurse said I was very lucky to have some frozen and used almost the exact words the doctor did, "There's a baby in there somewhere."

They let me see the lab and snap a few pics. I could follow those embryologists around all day asking questions.

Greyson's View

Springtime wild flowers have carpeted our hill at the cemetery.
It's lovely but I wish I didn't have to go there.



In the same general area at the top of the hill stands this very old statue.
Although she's not really near him, I've begun to think of her as Greyson's Angel.



I thought she looked beautiful today with the light and shadows over her.
I like the pensive look on her face.

Fighting Grief: Round 558

I received the most amazing and unexpected gift today. My sister-in-law came over to "look at the new tile." She asked me about the appointment with the Maternal Fetal Specialist and we talked about that for a few minutes. Then, out of the blue she offered to carry a child for me if I should have another sad, bad thing happen with this next try. I was so flabbergasted that I'm not sure I reacted sufficiently grateful. All I could do was sort of hem and haw my thanks. Before I could collect my thoughts, Mom drove up. I'll need to write her an email. I always knew she had a giving heart but now, I take back every mean thing I ever said or thought about her. Or most of them anyway. :)

Every cell in my heart hopes it doesn't come to that. I would rather the FET just not take. Still unsure about surviving another sad, bad thing.

I'm not sure if you've noticed but I've made an effort to keep negativity off the blog recently and I truthfully have been on quite an emotional upswing the past couple weeks. But now I seem to be heading toward a downturn. Why? Could be no reason at all. These things seem to turn on me like lightning with no provocation at all. It could be because I got that damn sample pack of formula in the mail and it took my breath away but I managed it ok. As I filled my medicine caddy yesterday, I realized I was out of antidepressants. By the time I got the refill, it was late in the day and I decided to just skip it. By evening, I was crashing. I don't know if it was missing a dose or just "where I am" but again I'm wondering why, why, why my little baby had to die. Wondering about the path of my life. Wondering why trying for my second child isn't enough motivation to eat right and exercise. Etc, etc, etc. I'm fighting the same old bad, sad crap, ding, ding, round 558. It's better today but I'm really wondering about my capability of being off this medication.

Oh and that other pregnant teacher is on FB complaining that she's "totally over" being "preggo".

How I wish with all that I am that I was still preggo.

I would have been 38 weeks pregnant this week and cannot stop thinking about what it might have been like to still have my Sweet Pea kicking inside me. We would have had a shower by now. the nursery would have been decorated by now with Mom's help. She probably would have OVER decorated it. We might have had quarrels about it. I'd be on maternity leave by now. Maybe I'd be having contractions right now. Or he might even be born and home in my arms this very moment.

Oh I miss him so much. With body, soul, heart, mind. No gut wrenching cry or words I write here can express how much I miss my son.

Picture of the Day:



Dad and I grouted the new kitchen tile.
He came over this evening to adjust some shelves in the new cabinets and kept hanging around like he was wanting to say something but never did. I wish I had offered a penny for his thoughts.

Pop In

I had the very enjoyable experience today of popping in on my friend MC while she was teaching at her school. High school. Spanish. Two worlds with which I am not in the least familiar except through hearing my friends talk about them.

I want to teach high school now. The kids were huge (in comparison with my first graders) and very goofy and funny. I can see they keep MC on her toes but she kept them totally in line sometimes with just a look. You know....THE look. But there was also singing and dancing. It all looked like such fun. I know I smiled and laughed the whole time I was there.

I'm looking forward to having faces and places to picture when MC is talking about work.
Tomorrow I'm planning another pop in. Who will it be? Maybe YOU?

Unfortunately, I somehow forgot my camera and was very disappointed that I didn't get to capture MC in action.


I colored my hair at home last night.
A job I realize should really be left to someone with a license.
Dollface asked if I had tie dyed my hair:



A hit to the heart from the mailbox: