Reiki Lady

My Sweet Little Stragglers

No school for me today. I was grateful to have a day to recover from my girl's weekend in the Windy City. However, the real reason I took a sick day was to have a confab with Dr. AA and his sidekick, Wanda the Dildocam. Everything is quiet on the uterinefront and the doctor spoke confidently of going forward. As an extra bonus, Wanda goosed Madame Red while she was poking around in there so the good lady would finally show herself. Jeez, it seems like I spend a lot of time waiting for her.

Dr. AA and I had a long talk about our embryo report. It is my understanding that I have 2 of "good" quality, 2 of "ok" quality and 2 "stragglers" that probably don't have a good chance. Those are my simplistic words to describe a lot of complicated numbers which I don't really understand. My idea had always been to transfer two at a time until there was a baby or they were gone. However, I got to thinking about my two stragglers. I don't know how many cycles I have left in me emotionally or financially and I CANNOT bear the idea of not giving those two little ones a chance just because I'm finally truly broken and can't go on. My idea was to transfer the two best ones and one of the stragglers this time and if needed all the rest next time.

Well, the good Doctor did not like me using that term "stragglers". I didn't mean anything negative by it. I love those two as much as the rest if not more. Always a soft place in my heart for those who are weaker or struggle.

He talked a long time and used many words to say we just don't know what will happen when any of them are thawed out and there is just as much chance of a baby in the stragglers as in the others. Ummm...I think that was my point. I don't want to (won't) leave them behind. He was very kind about it but said they don't really work by a plan that way. They thaw out two or three and watch them for a few hours and then keep thawing if they have to in order to get two or three to transfer.

Onward, we go. And onward we flow.

I talked it over with Reiki Lady who asked me what number I had in mind for transfer and agreed it would probably be three. I explained about my sweet little stragglers and she said that the third one would "show himself" to the doctor. He would know exactly which one. Again she talked with such confidence on my behalf. I look into her eyes and know she's telling me the truth.

She also said my energy about going forward was mostly positive, only 10 or so percent negative but the negative was a nagging negative. Every time I have a negative thought, I'm to quickly create three positive scenarios from the negative idea. They can even be funny or silly scenarios. I guess that's to help my left brain shut up a little.

Very few images this time, but I did see Mom and I in the hospital just as before. Only this time we were smiling great big smiles. With teeth showing and everything.

You had to know she would show up in the 365 Photograph Challenge sometime, didn't you?
Wanda The Dildocam
My BFF during IVF and FET.

Due Date Update

Maybe you've noticed that I haven't written a word since our due date over a week ago. Weird, huh? I'm not really sure why. Although there was certainly a cyclone of emotions going on, I guess I didn't feel the need to release them to the universe. Perhaps I was waiting for the due date to fully embrace acceptance. Although it feels like that will never happen 100%.

Due Date Update:
I was dreading this day so very much. It was properly horrid but I fought my way through the day and survived. I was actually at work, keeping busy and holding on by my fingernails but doing ok until a younger teacher tripped by saying she had to check on another teacher who was suffering with morning sickness. She had just found out she was pregnant. The bottom fell out for me and the rest of the day was very painful and I wasn't sure I would survive it. However, I guess no one has died from a broken heart or from too much crying, so here I am.

The family and friends (and of course all of YOU kind readers) really did gather round and I had wonderful support. One sweet coworker actually gave me a card and flowers. Surprisingly, my dad was the most prevalent but you'd never get him to admit that he stopped by here everyday for over a week in the days surrounding our due date. Always some little repair or item to drop off or pick up. Luckily, I can translate "Dadspeak".

The next day I felt markedly improved but still pretty low. That other pregnant teacher started having contractions on Friday which rounded out the week of misery. For a few days I could not stop thinking about what giving birth to my live son on or near our due date would have been like. I was tormented with wondering about this and being broken hearted that it didn't happen.

The day after our due date, a big box of medication arrived for the upcoming FET. Familiar names on the bottles, familiar syringes, familiar instructions...but such unfamiliar emotions. Dread, that "Oh God, here we go again" feeling, a little hope, a lot of fear. I guess I haven't really embraced acceptance fully because I just can't believe I have to slam shots into myself again.

Something happened that next day. I was able to start exercising and tracking my food intake. I've done both everyday since. I also stopped writing as you know and didn't even go to my support group that week. Not really sure what is going on with that.

I had a double whammy this week. Counseling and Reiki on the same evening. RK, THE counselor advised me to put nearly every thing I have into being as healthy and positive as I can be for this new cycle while at the same time preparing a small part of myself for what could happen. Reiki Lady is still extremely sure I will become a mother. She said the feminine part of my body is dancing and ready to go while the right leg which is in charge of stepping into new experiences is very stiff. Interesting because I've been having some pain in my right knee and hip while exercising. I didn't have too many images come to me this time but did picture myself dancing and also had an image of a picture I wanted to take (Rapunzel's tower) rather than pictures I had already taken which is what usually comes to me.

My son died on my dad's birthday.
I begin taking medication for the new cycle on my mom's birthday.
Our embryo transfer is June 7.

It's time to look to the future.
But I sure miss my boy.



Now for a laugh after that heavily serious post.
Bucket of Chicken:

Reiki Wonderings

I had a fantastic session with Reiki Lady today. I told her all about Greyson sending me 5's. She said she thought Greyson had been with me and sending me messages for a long time even before he was born. Afterward she said she had the vision of he and I holding hands and he was saying, "Put your 5 in my 5." She said she thought my uterus was almost ready to try again, the light around it was mostly pink. Not sure what that means but pink must be good. She said there was a dramatic difference in my energy.

I had such wonderful warm images while she was working with me. Pictures of a bright golden moon and the big gold star from my friend's picture.

Images of Aunt Alys and both my grandmas holding Greyson. They were passing him around and they were all just smiling and smiling.

A big number 5 came to me drawn with many colors of crayon.

Several of my coworkers, students (the naughty ones!) and friends and family members came to me.

Also, the classic image of Jesus that a lot of us grew up with only he was golden and had beautiful gold light radiating around him and from him. His hands were out as if to welcome me.

The images of many babies and children came and stayed with me. At times it was clear I was with two of my children. The other night when my mom wanted to look at Greyson's pictures she also told me she'd had a vision of me with twins. I mentioned this to Reiki Lady and she said she'd seen it too but didn't want to scare me by saying anything. Today Mom told me she had that vision while I was still pregnant with Greyson.

It all makes me wonder and wonder.

I mentioned to Reiki Lady that I might be interested in someday volunteering with mothers of stillborn babies in the hospital. She said, "No, that's not your path. Your path is motherhood." And she said it with such confidence, as if she was saying, "The sky is blue."



R and Dad are trucking this week.



My brother who is my hero and does everything for me.

Trampoline Time

I took the day off to get the girls off to school this morning and go to my tax appointment. Getting the girls up and ready this morning went amazingly smoothly. They both listened and did as they were told.

I dropped Dollface off at school and she wanted me to walk her in and meet her kindergarten teacher. She goes to kindergarten in my childhood school in my childhood kindergarten room. It felt odd and nostalgic to be there as an adult. I had the typical thought that everything looked so tiny.

This afternoon I packed them off to Mom and Dad's but will still be watching them afterschool until E and C come home on Thursday. We went to their house to check on the cat and dog and get in some trampoline time:










+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Did I mention that Madame Red showed up last week? Finally, after a week of progesterone and a week of waiting. And wowza, what a gusher she is. I was relieved to see her but sheesh...didn't want such an exciting reunion. I contacted the clinic because I was a little worried. They said to go on birth control pills which will slow and stop the flow as well as prepare me for trying again.

You read right....trying again.

Mom came over tonight to look at the backsplash tile that finally got delivered today. We were just sitting in the kitchen chatting and out of the blue, she says she's ready to look at Greyson's pictures. She cried and cried. Eventually she said she was glad I was going to be able to try again and that she was fully behind me.

I know it will be hellish if I lose another child, but it would be impossible to survive knowing I couldn't try again because I was too afraid.

I heard something yesterday that reminded me that if one great, awesome thing can happen in my life then another great, awesome thing can happen. Ok...it was a TV preacher talking about how God can do anything and if you were healthy before, He can make you healthy again, etc, etc. I do not like TV preachers and do not watch them but as I was flipping channels some small phrase he said caught my ear and I stopped to hear more.

Just hearing what he said...I don't know how to explain it. Instantly something seemed to mend inside me and the attitude of my heart and mind changed. This might be a temporary upswing as I've had in the past, but it's here now and I'm doing what I can with it.

Greyson is helping me move foreward.

He's going to send me his little sister.

It's all going to be ok.

I'm going to sign up for a June cycle.

Nevermind

Nevermind.
I changed my mind.
I don't want to let go.
I don't want a greater understanding.
I don't want the curtain between the worlds lifted for me.

I just want to hold my baby in my arms.
My real human baby in my chubby physical arms.
Not held as a spirit or a soul or energy.
Not in my heart.
IN MY ARMS!
That is the only place he belongs.

How one day can be so different from the next.
But like it or not....

I've seen "555" twice today.
On the clock in the morning and on my odometer in the afternoon.

I feel completely dense looking for meaning in the minutia and in the big picture.
The left side of my brain is pretty handy with the logical veil.
Or maybe I visit denial for moments at a time.

I searched and thought and thought.
I really don't know how I missed it.
Finally with the help of MB (Thanks!)
I realized it is a significant number.
The most significant date of my life.

My son was born on December 5.

Picture of the Day:

I really had no inspiration for tonight's pic and I don't think it turned out at all decent but I didn't want to quit on the 20th day when I'm so close to forming a habit. (It takes 21 days to form a habit. Yes, I'm looking at you, MC) So I went all over the house gathering up all the books I want to read or wanted to read. I really had unread or half read books in every room. Quite the stack.

Evelyn, I'm very curious about your 365 challenge. If it's a picture project and you'd like to share your pics, I'd be very interested to see. If it's some other type, I'd be interested in hearing about it. turningofpaige@gmail.com If not, I completely understand.

Holding On and Letting Go

As you know, I've been waiting and waiting for Greyson to give me some sort of message. Reiki Lady told me that each picture I take is a message from Greyson and I've been searching and searching them like a mad woman for a literal message but also thinking maybe it meant a message in a bigger sense. Maybe capturing moments in time is the message. Or being happy in a moment of time. Or recognizing moments of time outside myself could be the message from him. I guess I'm dense or just stubborn and need to be hit over the head with the message.

I still feel twinges and thrums in my uterus pretty often. I felt it in the early hours this morning while I was laying awake in bed which is also when I would often feel him bubble and twinkle while he was still with me in the flesh. The Reiki Lady said my uterus was "holding on" to Greyson and I wondered if, now eleven weeks and 4 days after losing him, it was just physical twinging and thrumming or if it was somehow Greyson's spirit hanging on letting me know he's still with me.

On the drive to work, I was thinking hard about all of that and everything else Reiki Lady had made me feel and what she'd said to me. I'm not sure what possessed me but right there in the car I had a little talk with my uterus saying it was ok to let Sweet Pea go. I'm going to be ok and we don't have to hold on. Afterwards I felt an easing of sorts. A calming. Then, I panicked because I'm not really ready. Not ready at all and I can't believe I didn't wait for some peaceful moment at home or in nature to have that talk with my uterus but did it during a rushed drive on the way to the most stressful place in my life. What the hell was I thinking? What if he left and I didn't feel it or cherish it?

For the billionth time, I wonder: Am I going crazy?

I read somewhere recently about angels communicating through numbers. I think it was someone's blog but I don't remember whose (Sorry!). It said something about series of numbers such as 111, 222, etc. being messages from angels. I have a thermometer by my bathroom window and when I went I came home tonight it said "55.5". It rang a bell for me remembering that blog but I really thought it was just random. I had the thought that if I see another one right away, it's Greyson. When I went into the bedroom and looked at the clock it said "4:44". Was that random or was that Greyson saying, "Mom! What's it going to take?"

Am I nuts to feel....certainly NOT lucky but privileged? honored? I'm not sure the word for it. I had a special life come full circle within me and move through me. The curtain to something bigger has been lifted a little for me.

I think.

Maybe.


Is this what "acceptance" feels like?
Or should I be on the way to a padded room?

Tomorrow I could be back to square one and a blubbering idiot.

Who the hell knows.

Picture of the day:



Just jumpin'.
I wish I had a better camera. It looked so much better with my eyes.
The girl in the background with the bright smile is Latajhia. You might remember she was the one who asked about my baby and whose aunt's baby died too. Lately she's taken to jokingly calling me by my middle name once in a while when there's no one else around because it's her middle name too. I indulge her because, as you can imagine, she's special to me.

Still Thinking

I'm still thinking and thinking about what Reiki Lady said. I've been looking at all my pictures hard thinking about messages from Greyson.

Picture of the Day:




Picture of the day (Take 2):



Two buddies taking a break from recess.
Which version do you like better?

Healing Mojo

Second Reiki session today. Lots to tell. Before the actual session started I told her all my physical complaints. I knew she was or had been an OB nurse and I asked her what she knew of Dr. H. I told her what they had said at the support group. She told me he was a good doctor and she didn't think he cut corners or was rushed. I told her what had happened with Jae and her friends sending me gold light. She explained that our energy is all connected like a spider web. People can send anyone good energy similar to being on a prayer chain. You only need to know the person's name. She told me she "works" on her clients even in the days and weeks after a session. I told her I thought I was "getting" energy from my students. She said I should definitely try to do that. Children have plenty of pure energy because life has not dimmed it yet and they constantly make more so can spare some for me. She asked me what good things I was doing for myself. I told her about exercising and writing and doing the Photo 365 Challenge with my friends.

Then the session started and it was different from my first one. Although, I had really looked forward to it and had a lot I wanted to work on, there was some sort of resistance from within me during the session. Afterwards, Janet said the left side of the brain sometimes gets in the way. During my first session, my mind was completely void of thought but it was different this time. Thoughts of people and pictures kept coming to me in a gentle way. The faces of certain friends, students and coworkers came to me. Stretch came and stayed in my mind for a long time and thoughts of each picture I've taken for the 365 Challenge floated through my mind. A baby showed up. I was throwing it in the air and it was laughing.

Physically I felt a lot of the same sensations I'd had before only milder. The gold light didn't come to me as readily as it did before, I had to really work at it. She worked a long time on my knees which I'd told her had been bothering me since the Zumba session and she was a long time at my ovaries since I'd told her I hadn't had a period since losing Greyson. Afterward she said my right knee was angrier at me than my left. I must admit my knees have felt much better all afternoon. She said my ovaries were asleep, my right much more so than my left. Guess my right side is just all jacked up.

I told her of this baby I'd seen and that I'd seen it before at it's first birthday party. I asked if it was Greyson. She said it was not Greyson but probably another baby who would come into my life. She told me I had a strong and deep mothering instinct within me.

She said my uterus was still holding on to Greyson, although healing was taking place, I was still holding on. She said that Greyson had known that he would not have fullness of life, he'd known that his job on this Earth was to be here for me, to teach me lessons. She said she'd "gotten" something about the pictures I've been taking. She said each one was a message from Greyson. I started crying and explained that I'd been waiting and waiting and searching for some sign from him letting me know he was ok. She said of course he was, his job was to move through the living Earth and through me.

She talked of my right brain being very active and moving softly all the time. The creative side. I said I don't do enough with that side. She said that I was by taking the pictures but the left side of my brain keeps getting in the way, telling me I'm not good enough, etc. She told me to be easy with myself. I mentioned that it was a lifelong thing. She told me she'd "gone back" and that I'd been this way since I was three. Something happened then that triggered the negative self talk.

How could she know all this??? How? I know all this stuff sounds absolutely batty. I know. If I hadn't experienced it myself and I read it on someone else's blog, I'd probably think they were a little off. All I know is that this woman has extraordinarily strong and beautiful mojo and physical problems go away or lessen after a session with her. Emotionally, I feel more complete when I leave.

As I left, I was trying to thank her and could hardly get the words out. She thanked me so enthusiastically and acted like it was a special gift to work with my energy.

I got Chinese food and had lunch at Mom's afterward and told her everything. I think she believes some of it and thinks some of it is craziness. Dollface was there and wanted to come home with me for the afternoon. We watched a lot of silly animal video clips on youtube and ate popcorn. I tried to suck as much youthful energy out of her as I could while she was here. :)


Picture of the Day:


My cousin and his trusty dog, Sally.

Snowcalypse Reiki

So yesterday was a crappy, sad, bad day. Snowcalypse Snow Day #2. I hardly moved from the TV watching chair and allowed myself to drop so far down, it was hard to see a way out. It wasn't even worthy of writing about here. There was no way of release. It was just another crappy, sad, bad day.

Then, I posted on FB that I needed some gold light. Just as a lark...I meant Reiki gold light of healing but I knew most people would think I meant sunlight and I would love some of that kind of gold light as well.

Jae was one of the responders, "I invite you to envision it and I will help ya out a little.....I did talk to my folks in New Orleans....sound good.... ???" About fifteen minutes later, I had a feeling of lightening. I wish I had better words to describe it. The ball of awfulness that tightens my chest up, fluttered away and I felt better...lighter.

I texted Jae, telling her what had happened and asking if that was her making me feel better. She responded that it was a little her, a little me and a little her Reiki master friends in Louisiana who she'd told about me. Can healing energy fly across miles like that? This is mystic, miraculous stuff...a little trippy and crazy but it doesn't matter.

This morning I woke at 5:30 wondering why I made it through the night and feeling that same sad, bad ball starting to form in my chest. Not long after, I felt that lightening again and I suddenly had a .... vision? thought? daydream? I can't say dream because I was awake.

It was my baby's first birthday. Complete with a beautiful baby in the highchair putting hands in a cake and everyone laughing. I lifted that baby out of the chair knowing it was beautiful and alive and mine. I don't think the baby was Greyson because it seems like I would know, without doubt, if it was him. I knew the baby was mine but I didn't really recognize it from my third person viewpoint if that makes any sense.

It was so real.

I could describe exactly what the baby looked like and what it was wearing. I could tell you every detail about the high chair and cake.

Was it Jae or her friends working their Reiki on me from miles away?
Was it Greyson trying to speak to me?
Was it baby number 2 trying to find me?
Was it simply my first daydream since losing Sweet Pea?

Was it just my stupid brain on overdrive?