Thursday, February 24, 2011

Holding On and Letting Go

As you know, I've been waiting and waiting for Greyson to give me some sort of message. Reiki Lady told me that each picture I take is a message from Greyson and I've been searching and searching them like a mad woman for a literal message but also thinking maybe it meant a message in a bigger sense. Maybe capturing moments in time is the message. Or being happy in a moment of time. Or recognizing moments of time outside myself could be the message from him. I guess I'm dense or just stubborn and need to be hit over the head with the message.

I still feel twinges and thrums in my uterus pretty often. I felt it in the early hours this morning while I was laying awake in bed which is also when I would often feel him bubble and twinkle while he was still with me in the flesh. The Reiki Lady said my uterus was "holding on" to Greyson and I wondered if, now eleven weeks and 4 days after losing him, it was just physical twinging and thrumming or if it was somehow Greyson's spirit hanging on letting me know he's still with me.

On the drive to work, I was thinking hard about all of that and everything else Reiki Lady had made me feel and what she'd said to me. I'm not sure what possessed me but right there in the car I had a little talk with my uterus saying it was ok to let Sweet Pea go. I'm going to be ok and we don't have to hold on. Afterwards I felt an easing of sorts. A calming. Then, I panicked because I'm not really ready. Not ready at all and I can't believe I didn't wait for some peaceful moment at home or in nature to have that talk with my uterus but did it during a rushed drive on the way to the most stressful place in my life. What the hell was I thinking? What if he left and I didn't feel it or cherish it?

For the billionth time, I wonder: Am I going crazy?

I read somewhere recently about angels communicating through numbers. I think it was someone's blog but I don't remember whose (Sorry!). It said something about series of numbers such as 111, 222, etc. being messages from angels. I have a thermometer by my bathroom window and when I went I came home tonight it said "55.5". It rang a bell for me remembering that blog but I really thought it was just random. I had the thought that if I see another one right away, it's Greyson. When I went into the bedroom and looked at the clock it said "4:44". Was that random or was that Greyson saying, "Mom! What's it going to take?"

Am I nuts to feel....certainly NOT lucky but privileged? honored? I'm not sure the word for it. I had a special life come full circle within me and move through me. The curtain to something bigger has been lifted a little for me.

I think.


Is this what "acceptance" feels like?
Or should I be on the way to a padded room?

Tomorrow I could be back to square one and a blubbering idiot.

Who the hell knows.

Picture of the day:


Just jumpin'.
I wish I had a better camera. It looked so much better with my eyes.
The girl in the background with the bright smile is Latajhia. You might remember she was the one who asked about my baby and whose aunt's baby died too. Lately she's taken to jokingly calling me by my middle name once in a while when there's no one else around because it's her middle name too. I indulge her because, as you can imagine, she's special to me.


  1. First- I LOVE this picture! You focused spot-on- right on her face, while there is some motion-blur. Wow. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!

    You know that I do NOT believe for a second that you are going nuts. I think that you might have hit acceptance, but that is a little scary so that's why you suddenly panicked and thought that you weren't ready for your uterus to let go. Moving on to the next step in anything is always a little scary, so it's no wonder you panicked.

    If you are seeing repeated numbers, especially when thinking about it, I think it's a good chance that it wasn't random. You might want to keep a lookout for more.

    One more day left this week. Keep breathing slowly. Sending you orange light.

  2. You're certainly not going crazy... I talk with my body all the time and those sound like signs to me. We are privileged to have spent time with an angel and have a life move through us.. and ultimately maybe to teach us and/or others something. I'm still looking for my something... but I share what you're going through and glad the curtain is lifting a little xoxo

  3. I've never heard about the duplicate numbers thing...but it made me chuckle, because my special number is 88. It is a number that pops up all the time for me during times I need it most.

    Sounds strange, but I absolutely have a spiritual connection to the number 88. My son was born in '88. My randomly picked phone number ends in 88. The branch number for the bank I worked at for 10 years was 88. At my last job, my cubicle number was 88. While these seem ridiculously pointless to most, it is affirmation to me that I am being affirmed and encouraged by something greater than myself.

    Most often I'll see it when I'm contemplating something, or when I need encouragement. I'll look up and see it in some form. License plate, a scene in a movie, someone will verbally say it, etc.

    If it speaks to you...then I'd say pay attention! :o)

  4. You're not crazy. The exact opposite and really quite a strong person it sounds like.

    I love your pics. You don't need a better camera (although you'd probably have fun with one), this pic looks like a photographer took it. You've inspired me to start my own 365 project.


  5. P, you're not going loco. At all. Its okay to not feel ready to let goof Greyson. I think letting go and acceptance are a process. You'll loosen your grip gently, not a single instant release. Step by step. I think of your conversation with your uterus as a road sign that says "exit X miles ahead" So that when the "exit" is there, you're in the right lane, right speed, blinker on, and ready. The sign just starts the process.
    Speaking of signs, I believe there are messages for you and he is and will reveal them to you.
    That picture is so cute! Love the green coat and smiles. Just enough motion blur and focus - like M said.

  6. I love reading your thoughts and seeing your beautiful photographs. I would not be surprised if Greyson were sending you signs this winter and onward into the spring. I think the reiki work sounds awesome, and reading about it has made me wish that I could better understand my body and energy.

  7. It's okay to let go then grab on again...Greyson will always be with you, whether it's in the smiles of the special children in your life, the twinges in your uterus or the series of numbers you see...& none of that makes you crazy.

  8. Paige you might have read about the numbers on my blog. I have a 111(1) thing going but see others. Pay attention And I think you will find it all very is a site I refer to periodically, although if you do a google search you will find all kinds of info out there.

    Love the pic of the day, you rock it with people pictures, really capture the moment.