Saturday, February 5, 2011

I've Hit Depression

This has crossed over into something different. What I'm feeling is no longer honest, love-filled, painful grief for my son who died inutero at 20 weeks. It's not me mourning my beautiful pregnancy. Well, it's not just those things anymore. Now, I've begun feeling sorry for myself. I can't express how low and dark this makes me feel. Hopeless. I guess I've hit the depression stage of grieving.

I've been on a two day binge of epic proportions. The food issue is so complex. I was free of it while I was pregnant and even afterward to some extent until now. I've been successful with my exercise mini challenge but what is the point when I'm eating vast amounts of junk? Or when I lay around the house for hours at a time staring at stupid TV that I can't even focus on?

Feeling sorry for myself and binging does not honor Greyson. It does not show my love for him at all. Getting pregnant with him was the one wonderful thing I've done, and somehow I managed to screw it up. Now I can't even honor him by grieving in a respectful, loving way like a mother should.
How ugly it feels to have such bad thoughts about myself.

I've got to find a way to pull myself up and focus on moving forward. I can't let myself slip so far down. Everything just seems so meaningless.
Where are those bootstraps?

Dollface was here to spend the night last night. I guess she'd been cooped up at home too long and just couldn't stand to stay home while Stretch went skating. We played dolls and it gave me a bittersweet, crazy feeling cuddling that doll close and dressing it.

Dollface went home at about 9 and I pried myself off out of the TV watching chair at about 3pm.

MC and MB you've sucked me in to your 365 Photo Challenge. I don't know if I'll be able to stick with it daily as you both are doing so wonderfully but it was fun today to walk around looking for creative shots. Guess it will be a challenge-ish for me. Thanks for the inspiration and encouragement.

Picture of the Day:
The truth is that I've been looking at this shrub that has sprouted a waterfall of icicles in front of my house and wanting to take a picture of it for days. I guess it's ok for my first try at being an artist.
I thought this one would be good with the juxtaposition of the icicles and branches
but it was too busy and cluttery feeling. I liked it to practice changing thecolors with though, lots of contrast.


  1. Cool photos- though they definitely make me glad to be here instead of there. Paige, sweetie, I know that depression is awful. It's a frequent struggle in my life. I hope though that you cut yourself some slack. I've been amazed that you haven't run into that "brick wall" before now. Take care of yourself, reach out to others, do what you really need to do, and give yourself a chance to continue healing. Beating yourself up over being depressed (and maybe making the not-so-best choices) is not productive. You didn't ask to be depressed (no one would)and unfortunately depression does not come with an on-off switch. I love you and am thinking of you and sending you healing thoughts constantly.

  2. Awesome photos! I look forward to seeing more!

  3. Yeah! We've "hoover-ed" you in. I hope it helps with the depression. For me, it's not just about the pictures. Its a way to cope with the dark days and the anxieties. It has helped me a lot. It gives me something else to think about, makes me get out and go places, and now with the challenge I'm staying connected to you guys. All of that has helped me stay out of the "cave". Perhaps it can do the same for you.
    I'm glad we're getting some "ovaltine" tommorrow. Sounds like you could use some. Just remember that this depression is also a part of the grieving/healing process. So be gentle with yourself.
    Love you

  4. Look at those icicles! Great shots, Paige.

    Still thinking of you, dearie. And, I think a Spring Soiree sounds divine.


  5. Sorry I'm not the early poster this time...I was at the symphony tonight and actually just took my picture about 10 minutes ago- at 11:05 or so!
    I think the depression you're speaking of is just another part of the whole grief process, but if you feel yourself staying this way for too long, please let us know. I will find those damned bootstraps for you or if not I will at least come over and make sure you have a shoulder to cry on.
    Please don't think that you're dishonoring Greyson by being depressed or not "grieving like a mother should". Mothers get down and dirty where their kids are concerned. I think you ARE grieving like a mother should. If you eat 10,000 oreos or none at all, you're grieving like a mother should. If you sob until you're blowing snot bubbles one minute and laugh out loud a little later, you're still on track.
    We all feel sorry for ourselves from time to time. That's normal too. Like Mendy said, be gentle on yourself.
    As far as your pictures- I'm so happy you've joined us! I LOVE the picture of the bush- it absolutely looks like a fancy chandelier to me!
    I'm also with Mendy on the idea of the project. If I'm having a stressful time, I try to switch my thought to what my picture will be that day. It gets me to do something interesting for at least 5 or 10 minutes a day when I'm actually taking the picture and posting about it. I LOVE reading the comments from you guys because I get to read something from you guys every day. I hope you keep it up- I love having you on the little photo outings with me :)

  6. Gorgeous photos... you have an amazing talent :) You certainly aren't dishonoring Greyson not "grieving like a mother should" and feeling this low is all part of the nightmare this journey is... you are grieving as his mother and for him. Look after yourself and keep talking - I've found the babyloss blogging world so supportive and also still see a grief counsellor one year on. She's helped me through all the ups and downs. Thinking of you xo

  7. The part of your post that really stuck out for me was: "Getting pregnant with him was the one wonderful thing I've done, and somehow I managed to screw it up. Now I can't even honor him by grieving in a respectful, loving way like a mother should"...Melissa Beck addresses this in a so much more articulate way than I can but I just wanted to reiterate that you didn't screw anything up...It Wasn't Your Fault. And however you greive for Grayson, you are greiving the way a mother should. Thinking of you.

  8. I agree with pp - none of this is your fault. Easy to write, hard to hear, hardest to feel. I hope your heart hears what all your friends are saying.

  9. I am sorry to be late to this one. Right up my alley, really.

    There are no boot straps. You cannot walk it off.

    I disagree that feeling your loss to the very center of your being is not filled with honor. Whatever you do it right. Time is the only thing that works and it is the only thing we cannot buy, steal or fake.

    I am so sorry to see you feeling this way. I would never have made it out after I lost mine without medical help. I still barely made it. This doesnt seem to be an option you are considering so I will be sensitive to the fact everyone is different and needs to find the right path.

    Hurting for you Paige.