Sunday, February 13, 2011

My Church

Once again I didn't make it to Pastor Jackie's church. But I did visit my former church this afternoon. The comforting, familiar scent of old wood and fresh candle wax wrapped around me and I realized I how much had been missing this. Not just the reverent ceremony of worship in a church but this church building. My church. Where I had been baptized, learned Bible stories and songs in Sunday school and where I had the honor of escorting my Grandma, who had the greatest Faith I've ever witnessed, to services every week during the last few years of her life. The church where I had envisioned my son being baptized.

I think I've mentioned that it is a very small country church. Deserted at noon on Sunday. I just walked in and sat, in the quiet, talking to God and crying for a long time.

It felt horribly wonderful to sit in the familiar pew washed with warm light. Wonderful because I was able to fully talk to God in a way I haven't been able to since my beautiful boy died inside me on Dec. 4. Horrible because this kind of overwhelming anger, sadness and despair is truly appalling to feel, almost unspeakable.

I raged and raged at God and asked every "why" there was to ask. And I cried and cried. Every emotional scab I've managed to achieve was ripped open and again I wondered if I'd survive.

I told God I hated Him and if he'd been in front of me as a person, I would have physically murdered him. Simultaneously, I experienced horror and shock that I could feel this way.

Eventually I was burned out of anger and wrung dry of tears. I sat there longer still and finally a modicum calmness came. This is far from over between God and I but finally I'm able to pray a little.

I left my church and took a long walk. It was cleansing to feel the sun, warm on my face and the breeze in my hair.

Maybe next week I'll go to Pastor Jackie's church.
Or maybe I'll go back to my church and have it out with God again.

Picture of the Day:


  1. I glad you found comfort in the church of your childhood and I am glad that you "had it out" with God. I think He'd rather you express your feelings and reach beyond them than stifle them and them form a wall that keeps you in. Thinking of you and Greyson constantly.

  2. That's an awesome picture. I can see you peeking in the church to see if God was sitting in there. I'm happy that you were able to have a talk with God and get some things off of your chest.
    Keep getting it off a little bit at a time.
    I'm sorry it still hurts so bad and I wish that I could do something to help.

  3. I have a feeling God was expecting that call. I'm glad you had a chance to air out your grief and grievences in a safe, familiar place. Don't worry if you need to have more rounds with him. He's a big God. He can take it and still love you at the same time. I'm glad that you reconnected to your own history, traditions, and memories and that you were able to talk to God.

    PS LOVE the picture!

  4. I know it was painful and difficult for you to walk into your church, but I'm so glad that you took that leap. God is listening to you, Paige. He hears all your cries, and screams of anger and anguish. He is guiding you to where you need to be. He is listening.

    And, I also love the picture!!!


  5. Thinking of you. Right now God isn't very high on my list of favorite "people" either. That is a beautiful picture. I love old church buildings even though I don't love church.