I've been very honest about this blog being a crapfest for a while. If anyone cannot handle that, then DON'T read.
I'll be sad and depressed as long as I need to be and write about it as much and as negatively as I want. That time frame will NOT be dictated by those who think the almighty pain of losing a child can be muffled by buying a new dress.
Let me reiterate, if you can't handle the raw emotions I write about or the words I use, then STOP following my story.
And again to those I consider sisters....Thank you.
Picture of the Day:
One of the cutest things in the world is a child who is missing their front teeth. They come to school so proud to show me their gap toothed grins after they've lost a tooth and it's so exciting to everyone in our class when someone loses one at school. I tried to "set up" a few shots with kids in my class showing their jack-o-lantern smiles and they were ok but this shot was the best of the lot. I snapped it very quickly as the kids were leaving.
Grief is like the ocean. It ebbs and flows. Some days, you can have a "good" day and explore the tidal pools. Others you can feel like you're drowning in an undertow or overwhelmed by a tsunami. Take your time and know that you have a whole universe of life guards ready to get you when you need it.
ReplyDeleteIt's your story and your grief....take as long as you need....we're here to support you through this time....I'm grateful you share as much as you do....the good the bad and the ugly...let it all out....
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Kanis. My own little analogy is that the first 6-8 months or so feel like time is going in slow motion for the most part, it's just so drawn out and overall miserable. And then somewhere, somehow, sometime, it starts becoming normal again.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry if you have received notes that are not supportive. I guess there always have to be people like that, and they suck.
P- totally cute picture! I love that her sucker matches her hat and that she has it where her teeth should be. :) Just brings a smile to my face.
ReplyDeleteGood Gosh almighty, Paige, you're doing everything right. You have created support systems (professional, IRL friends and blog friends). You've dolled yourself up and gone out with friends and had some real laughs in the process. You've listened to our gripes and joys, even when its been hard for you to do so. Your doing nice things for yourself like getting massages and redoing the kitchen. You're setting goals and achieving them. You're trying new things. You're appreciating the small things like a beatutiful scene from your window, a child's toothless grin, and time with stretch and dollface. But, most importantly, you are honoring Greyson in so many positive ways, big and small. You are also honoring him by acknowledging what his death has meant to you because you loved, wanted, and tried so hard to have him.
This blog is real life. We are fortunate that someone is brave enough to intimately document a grieving process. Brave enough to expose the "nitty gritty" of what others might find too hard or too taboo to discuss. If nothing else, it gives us an opportunity to show compassion to another human being and to learn from your experience should, God forbid, we ever face a loss this tragic. So thank you. Thank you for your honesty, Thank you for letting us in, thank you for sharing, and thank you for being a friend.
I second Mendy's post!
ReplyDeleteI gotta say I'm so happy that you did this post because I have been conflicted about responding to the other poster in a not-so-nice way, but I also didn't want to turn your blog into a stressful place for you.
Keep being you- you're perfect the way you are.
Oh, and as far as your picture- it's gorgeous! Seriously, the lighting is really great, colors are wonderful, and it is composed just like a professional! Yay!
ReplyDeleteI third Mendy's post & I second Melissa's comment about your response. You've got so much class & grace. & thank you for putting yourself out there.
ReplyDeleteGorgeous photo...those eyes, that smile!! Heartwarming.
I think you have been doing amazing! I'm amazed at how okay you do sound some days. Of course there are bad, ugly, nasty days, but as PP mentioned, you've also gone out with your friends and seemed to enjoy yourself. That is progress. Your loss is still so fresh that for someone to event suggest you buy a new dress is insulting. I think you are remarkable. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteLove the sucker - especially that color! Don't think I've seen food that color before! Cute.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Paige, you do what is right for you, WHEN it's right for you. Even buying a new dress, if that makes you feel better. But never belittling what you have been through, or rushing the time you take to grieve.
I loved you idea of going to church next week even if you just sit in the parking lot. Maybe I'll try that - I've had a very sketchy attendance at church through my whole baby losses (since no one knew I can't blame them for not being supportive)...Thinking of you always, hon. Take care.
Hi Paige- I'm a lurker here, and I just wanted to comment on your BDB/ADB post. I had 2 miscarriages, and I had the exact same change in my appearance. It's amazing how grief etches itself there. Even though I have healed from my losses (they were a long time ago now), the physical changes are still with me. This is a life-changing event, and don't let anyone try to tell you differently. You will be happy again, but not with the same innocence. You are a strong and beautiful woman, and in time the grief lines will meld with the lines of your future happinesses to be lovely in a new way.
ReplyDeleteWow, I so wish buying a new dress would resolve the pain of losing a baby... Acupuncture and massage therapy did help me to start feeling that my body could be more than just a painful wasteland. But honestly, it was about 7 months after my miscarriage that I was open to that shift in feelings. But like I said before, your loss was so much bigger than mine that I wouldn't even pretend to think that our grieving processes would follow a similar pattern. (Although I do think you are stronger than I am.)
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the right thing to blog about your pain and the process of working through it. And that's what we are all here for, to listen. You already have to pretend IRL like a new dress or a month passing has made it all ok. This is your brutally honest space, so keep writing and letting it out!
You have every single right in the WORLD to grieve how you wish, when you wish, where you wish, and for as long as you wish. I hope you continue to share your thoughts here. You are incredibly brave, and I pray for you each night. (Not that I am at all religious, but I pray that some energy, some protection, some peace, sustains you. <3
ReplyDeleteLove, Erin
I keep coming back and reading (but not always commenting) as a show of support for you. I've been through some rough times in my life & there's nothing worse than someone essentially telling me to get over it. It takes time to work through the grief & pain. And it will always be with you in some form.
ReplyDeleteYour 2nd picture of yourself makes me want to reach through the computer & hug you.
One day you will have a baby. I'm sure of it.
Great shot P.
ReplyDeleteI still hate anonymous from yesterday.
I don't get to comment as much as I'd like, but I read your blog on my phone daily. I hope you continue to be future-oriented more days than not, but acknowledge that there will always be days or even moments that knock you on your ass. On April 20 of every year since 2004, I've cried and re-opened the wounds of losing 2 babies, exactly 1 year apart on April 21. I try to mentally prepare, but it hits me regardless. Every year. But most days are not like that, and I have to keep that perspective in order to keep going.
ReplyDeleteGreat to be sharing this long road with you and to have 'met' you along the way... hang in there and take all the time you need. Thinking of you xo
ReplyDeleteHere from LFCA and have read through quite a bit of your blog. So sorry for your tragic loss - and that some people add to your pain with cruel words. I've heard plenty of stupid comments myself after losing two little boys, and I just don't understand why anyone would think kicking someone when they're down is somehow helpful.
ReplyDeleteDear Paige.
ReplyDeleteI am so behind on my reading so I hardly comment, but just wanted you to know that I am still very much reading you and thinking of you.