Sunday, February 6, 2011

BDB/ABD in Pictures

Remember this picture?


Please note in the picture above:

  • the sparkle in my eyes
  • the Osmond worthy smile
  • the flush of new pregnancy on my cheeks
  • hair that while tousled at 2:30 am was clean and had been cut and colored recently
  • well groomed eyebrows
  • the little crow's feet that indicate a person who smiles a lot
Now for our Picture of the Day:

If you wish too, you might note:

  • the look of dulled pain in my eyes
  • the puffiness of my cheeks
  • the pallor of my skin
  • greasy, uncolored hair
  • unkempt eyebrows
  • tired looking eyes
  • the pinched tight look between my eyebrows
  • the jowls and double chin that are prominent because of the absence of a smile
I barely recognize myself.
How could things have changed so drastically?
And why?
I'll find a way to pull out of this. I will.
But how?


Positive stuff NOW:
  • I learned how to put writing on pictures! Yay, me!
  • And I'm becoming excited about the 365 challenge-ish
  • I think I've pulled my brother into the challenge-ish
  • I was successful in my mini-challenge and exercised 4 days in a row. (So was my sweet friend, Belinda, Yay, her!)
  • We've set a new challenge: Exercise 5 days in a row and record everything we eat for 5 days
  • I had a great afternoon with MC. We saw "The King's Speech" and had Mexican food afterward. I loved Colin Firth before but now I really love him. He conveyed so much about his character through his eyes and body language. I was swept up in these characters and their role in history. At the end, when the teacher is helping the king give his speech, and the king is successful, I felt their triumph. As a teacher, I could identify with experiencing that triumphant moment with the student, when they become successful after having worked so hard.
  • Talking with MC made me realize yet again that what happened really showed me who my true friends are. It's easy to stay away when things get tough but it takes hardcore friendship to do what's difficult and be around a person who might cry at any time or who may lash out or do/say something crazy. (JC the BM, girls...JC the BM)
  • Dollface has come up with head lice and she was here overnight on Friday. The positive part is: she didn't sneak into my bed during the night like she sometimes does.
  • I almost went to church today....almost. I've decided next week, I'll get dressed and drive to the church. I may have to sit in the parking lot for the whole hour but I will at least show up.


  1. I had a great time this afternoon. If you want me to go with you next week, even if we just sit in the parking lot, let me know. If not there's always JC the BM who will go with you. :)
    Love and hugs

  2. All I see in those pictures is a beautiful woman that has been hurt. Badly.
    One day I'm hoping we see that sparkle and the "Osmond worthy" smile again. I know it's under the surface. I know it will reappear.
    I so wish I could have went with you guys today! That movie was sooooo amazing and I would have loved to chat with you guys.
    I hope you don't get lice!
    ♥ jcbm

  3. Paige, you will pull out of this. It takes time. I'm proud of you for following through on the exercise challenge. I need to- but right now I need to be able to breathe first. Still pulling for you!

  4. Okay - I just have to say something. I am a "lurker"; I don't know you and I have not been through anything like you have but I think you are becoming your own worst enemy and I want to say some things that might shake you up a bit. #1. The term "Dead Baby" is so negative - very disrespectful to Greyson... I think you should come up with another term. #2. You seem to think that you are the only one who has felt loss...get out of your "pit" and look around you - feel the pain of others and share rather than lament. #3. You need to start thinking positively rather than so negatively - you'll never move on with such sad, negative thoughts about life in general. Try smiling, go get your hair done, teeth whitened, a new outfit...I'm not trying to minimize your loss or your pain...but good gosh almighty, move on, try being cheerful - you are isolating; yourself with your "Debbie Downer" mentality. I really do feel badly for you, but you need to help yourself here; honor your son's memory rather than shroud it with such darkness.

  5. Dear Paige,
    I am so glad to hear that you enjoyed The King's Speech - I loved it too. I like that you posted your before and after photo - you really do have a very expressive face - and I think you are really beautiful - I hope that you feel beautiful - You have been through a very difficult time and you are doing So Great.
    - and I am glad to hear that you don't have to worry about the head lice!

  6. Paige, this post sounds very hopeful...I'm pulling for you.

    This next part is addressed to the 1st Anonymous Lurker Post above: 1st of all, if you have something so harsh to say, have the guts to say it up front & not hide behind "Anonymous". Paige can refer to Greyson in any way she wants. This is her safe space & if that is how she decides to express herself, then NO ONE can say it's disrespectful. You admit you have never been through anything like Paige is going through so maybe you should keep your judgements to yourself. I have been following Paige since before her tragic loss...I have never read Paige express in any way that she thinks she's the only one who has felt loss EVER...I have read her express her pain & grief in such a raw & honest way that to then read someone attack her the way you have makes me sick. It is beyond me how you could possibly read what Paige has expressed so openly then throw such mean spirited words at her...comments like yours are the LAST thing Paige needs now.

    Paige, I am sorry you had to endure the above post & I apologize for jumping in but I couldn't let such insensitive comments go.

  7. I HATE HATE HATE anonymous rude people. Please don't let that loser get you down, Paige. I can't imagine ANYONE getting over the loss of a child this fast, and you are making I consider (in a completely non-professional opinion) excellent progress. Someday you'll be smiling again, and Greyson will still have his special place in your heart when that happens.

    I love Colin Firth, looking forward to the King's Speech but we rarely go to the theater so I'll be waiting a while.

  8. Wow, thanks to Rude Anonymous Lurker for letting us all know that all you have to do to get over the loss of a child is to run out and buy a box of Crest Whitestrips! Brilliant! Why didn't we think of that sooner?

    Paige, I wish you were still able to smile the way you are in the first picture, but you are still a beautiful woman. Please know there are some nice lurkers out there - many I imagine - who are amazed and inspired by your courage on a daily basis.

    The King's Speech is a great movie!

  9. Oh Paige, hang in there. I wish I had something else to offer. The stages of grief and peoples forms of grieving are all vastly different. What works for one may not work for another but whatever you have to do in order to get through it you do without feeling like you should be doing something differently. The whole anonymous stuff is just annoying. Again, have the balls to stand behind what you say.

  10. Paige -

    You've already taken the most important first step by choosing to continue living life. One day you will look in the mirror and you will recognize yourself again. I promise.

  11. Paige...I'm glad there is a list of positives. One step at a time.

    I absolutely hate cowards (who also have the emotional quotient of a gnat) who say hurtful, moronic things anonymously. This person has never experienced anything like pregnancy loss and proceeds to freely offer fairly malicious, horribly opinionated advice. Unbelievable. Even the people who have been thorough awful things cannot comment on anybody else's grieving process because it is not their place to do so!!

  12. Just want to say I haven't seen pictures of you before, and I think you are quite beautiful! You're taking so many positive steps. Remember to treat yourself with lots of TLC. I think your exercise challenge is brilliant, exercise is proven to help elevate mood and is just so good for you in so many ways. Next, might I suggest treating yourself to a fun new haircut and color and a dinner out with friends. You will get that sparkle back, I just know it.

  13. Dear Paige, I read your blogs nearly every day and rarely comment. That happy person is still you, and will come out again once your grieving is less raw. Take care of yourself.

  14. Paige, you'll find yourself again. Losing Greyson has changed you forever, but that doesn't mean you won't find a way to happiness again. You need to grieve now, and not feel guilty about your grief, or how you grieve. Just the fact that you're doing the 365 challenge-ish, and that you're setting exercise challenges with your friends shows that you will find a way to your new normal. A normal where you still are a grieving mother, but can still be a happy, joyful person again. I know it seems impossible, but it will happen.

  15. Paige,

    I just wanted to say that the Anonymous Poster was all wrong... I never saw anything that looked like you are the only person who has known loss. You are talking about YOUR loss, and OF COURSE that is yours. And you will move through the grieving process at the pace that you are meant to.

    Treat yourself kindly and with love. You surely deserve it.

    All the best to you,


  16. You are still beautiful Paige, only months out from the worst thing that's happened to you in your life. I am so sorry that your sweet Greyson P. is not with you. I look forward to seeing more of your photography. Sometime soon I hope to see the King's Speech...glad you liked it!

  17. So raw, Paige. I'm here still. Thinking of you always. xoxo

  18. Rude Anon - come out of hiding or STFU. Simple.

  19. Anonymous you are a dirty beast.

    Come over to my house and I will teach you some manners.

  20. via LFCA
    That 2nd photo is so haunting to me. Heartbreaking to compare the two. I can only imagine your pain....actually I can see it in your face....
    I'm so very sorry

    as far as nasty "Anonymous" - you have NO idea! Pull your head in and refrain from commenting on blogs you haven't been following, unless it is in support. Blogs are for the blogger to express their own thoughts and feelings. I can't believe you enjoy kicking somebody when they're down. Low act.

  21. I am so sorry for your pain. And so sorry for the pain added by asshat anonymous commenters. I have experienced those smacks in the face before as well. Sticking my tongue and my middle finger up to people who thing loss can be made whole by a mani/pedi and a tooth whitening session. Bleck!

  22. What an asshole.
    You my dear are amazing. You are strong. Whatever you need, do it. Grieve as you see fit. And you are beautiful.

  23. From LFCA.... Grief is a process. Dont let the Anon poster get to you. You are grieving in the way that is right for you- and there is NOTHING wrong with that at all. Nothing. Sending hugs...

  24. Here from LFCA...Grieve the way YOU need to. It is all you can do. Anyone who doesn't realize that is an idiot. You will find your way to be happy again.


  25. Here from LFCA -
    I think the Rude Anonymous is confused about the purpose of blogs. You talk all about you, that's how they work. And then you click over to other people's blogs and listen to them talk, and offer support. It would be nice if the real world worked this way: I could talk and talk about my stress, and someone would just listen til I was done and offer support. Then she'd talk and talk about what was eating her, and I'd do the same. I'm glad you have this community.

  26. Here from LFCA:

    To Lurker:

    OK, so here's the deal. #1. "Debbie Downer" is so overused I think you should use another term. #2. You seem to think your lone opinion is the answer to overcoming grief. As if Paige isn't connected to a larger community or just needs to grieve in her own way. #3. You need to keep your comments to yourself. You didn't see the need to delurk with a real name, so she shouldn't have to listen to you either. I really do feel badly for you but really, did you think those comments are going to help anybody?

  27. Here from LFCA, from the large community of IF and Loss bloggers who thank you for sharing your experiences, emotions, images and thoughts. I am grateful to have found your blog today.

  28. Here from LFCA. I'm sorry for your loss, I can't imagine. I'm also very sorry about the rude anonymous comment. I can't believe people like that. Don't let them bring you down though. ((hugs))

  29. What the posse said! You process this exactly the way you need to. Your love for Greyson is evident in every single post. You're his mom.

    You are beautiful. Of course your grief shows. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

  30. Here from LFCA just to offer my support. Honey, ignore the mean and cruel anonymous post. That person should be so lucky as to never know the depths of the grief of losing a child. You will be forever changed. I, too, lost my twin boys shortly after they were born at 26 weeks. My heart is broken and I will never be the same. My one goal is that although I will be forever changed and will grieve until the day I die, I hope that I will not allow losing the twins to define the rest of my life. It is a daily battle. But know that many of us are here to support you -and to thank you for being honest, and sharing the raw reality of what it feels like to grieve. There is no right or wrong way, only what is best for YOU! Hang in there.

  31. De-lurking to agree with everyone who says that grief is a process that has its own pace, and while you are going through it, we are all here for you.
    As for Anonymous 1 - just FYI Paige does "look around, feel the pain of others and share" as anyone who has had a warm, supportive (and incidentally SIGNED) comment on their blog from her will testify.

  32. Here from LFCA. sending hugs and support. Those pictures really say a lot. In them there is a beautiful, kind, nurturing, loving woman. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful child. You grieve the way you need to. You have that right.
    That coward commenter is so messed up that she can't stand for anyone to have any feelings she doesn't approve of or that aren't coated in saccharin!! It says everything about her and nothing about you. Have you thought of disallowing anonymous comments and moderating all comments? Sorry if I'm
    Being redundant. Take care:)

  33. Here from LFCA. Simply wanted to send you some loving support! Please ignore anything stupid people (RE: Anonymous #1) with no concept of what you're experiencing have to say. Their opinion matters nothing at all. You grieve however you need to grieve and you work through your loss however you need to work through it - in your own time. Thinking of you....

  34. Stupid Anon #1. Very Stupid to mess with an woman that just lost her child. Just remember Karma is a bitch and she's got your number. One of these days you will find out what grief is really like.
    Unfortunately there will be people in real life that say stuff that is just as stupid. What would be some snappy comeback that Paige could use when they have the nerve to tell her that to her face. I'm a RPL so I won't even attempt to know what this pain is like.

  35. Well, it's been over a year now and I'm wondering how you are doing? Depression is very hard to get out of but not impossible. I know first hand. I hope that glowing smile and perky self is back.