Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm A Cougar!

Fabulous day! End of summer school. AND we got paid for it! My mind was racing spending all that dough...but I know I'll be spending most of it on fertility treatments. Good to feel rich for a short while though. I'm so looking forward to this break.

Eclipse was fabulous!! Definitely the best of the Twilight series so far. So romantic with plenty of action. Great special effects. Team Edward or Team Jacob? Well, I'll just say Jacob was so completely ripped that my eyes bugged out when I saw him. Guess I'm officially a cougar. Fun to see it with a big group.

I've lost 10 pounds in the last three weeks. Wahoo! I hope I can continue. We went to Shogun tonight after the movie and I ate till I was about to burst. I was so uncomfortable. I noticed at our table of 7 people I was the only one who didn't take any food home. Why didn't I notice I was full and STOP? Insanely, I thought about getting ice cream on the way home. It simply is not normal to eat that much food, and then even think about more.

I've been thinking about all the emotions I've been having involving S's surgery. I think part of it is that I wonder if people are looking at me and thinking She should really be having that surgery too. I feel defensive when I talk to anyone about her surgery and have to be really careful about what I say and my tone of voice. I feel like I should explain: There is absolutely nothing wrong with the digestive system God gave me. Even though I'm very obese, I'm healthy and none of my doctors have ever mentioned gastric bypass for me. It is clear to me that my problem is not just the size of my stomach. A surgery won't cure my emotional dependence on food. I'm learning more about my food addiction everyday and still have a few good weight loss tries in me. Although I would love to drop 100 pounds very quickly, being able to wear cute clothes is just not enough of a reason to have a serious surgery. Wish I could have all that printed on a t-shirt.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Eclipse of Summer School is Nigh

Tomorrow is the last day of summer school. I'm glad I taught kindergarten for the summer. One day we were talking about what we had eaten for supper the night before, one little boy said he'd eaten rooster. How could you not love that? I'm glad it's over, though. I'm ready for a break. For the next few weeks I'm going to do what I want to do. Fewer and fewer kids come everyday, but we're planning a little celebration for the ones who do show up tomorrow.

S. had gastric bypass surgery today. I just heard from our friend R. that she's back in her room and drugged up but doing well. I've gotten together a big basket of stuff to bring to her when she's home, magazines, soft foods, silly straws for the liquids she'll have to consume for a while. I have to keep reminding myself that surgery is not an easy road either and that she had many health problems which led her to the decision to have surgery. It's not just about wearing cute clothes. I know I'll struggle with jealousy as the pounds melt off her. I keep thinking I won't be able to share or get support for all the problems an obese person has to face everyday. We became really close sharing those things. I'm already struggling and have to watch what I say to her. I'm happy for her, I really am, really! but when I have these emotions I feel like a rotten friend.

I'm seeing Eclipse tomorrow with about 20 people from work. We all read the books together, got caught up in Twilight fever together, constantly argue the sexiness of Team Edwards vs. Team Jacob and saw the previous two movies together. One time in the middle of a staff meeting one teacher said, "I know this is not relevant to the curriculum but does Edward have fangs?" It's been a lot of fun. It was a one of a kind experience to be at the opening show of the first Twilight with that many people. You couldn't help but get caught up in the fervor.

Fertility: Well, I'm finally "on" the calendar and have earned 3 gold stars for doing exactly what I have been doing for weeks. Prenatal vitamin...big flippin' deal. Still waiting...waiting...waiting and not thinking about it much except for wondering if the time to start my family will ever get here. Oh and I made an appointment with an acupuncturist. I'll be driving an hour to get to each treatment.

Weight loss: Doing well with exercise, and doing ok with nutrition. I've been at this for three weeks. Tomorrow is official weigh in.....stay tuned.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Dragging Time

Time is really d-r-a-g-g-i-n-g. I hate to wish away the days but jeez the calendar just won't move. Two week wait? does one keep sane during a two MONTH wait?

Summer school is going good, weight loss program is going good. Grad class is almost over. I'm keeping busy but when I look at the date, time seems at a stand still.

Everything is status quo....sooooooo status quo.

I've been missing my baby so much lately I ache.

I wish August would hurry up so my baby can hurry up and find me.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Beautiful Saturday Update

It's a beautiful, warm Saturday here in the Midwest. I've already taken my bike ride. I've been keeping on the program for a week and a half now and I have to say I feel great. I can't believe how much more clear-minded and less worrisome I feel when I do what is good for me. Still have the moment here and there but for the most part I really like me when I'm treating my self well. Why can't I do it all the time??

A week and a half left of summer school. I still think the little buggers are precious and all but I'm ready for a break.

Same thing with grad classes. Two more class nights and then I'm free. This semester we were assigned a student and had to assess them, consider their strengths and weaknesses and design a plan for them. We will use the plan to tutor them as part of our fall class. My little boy is very quiet and shy. I'll be meeting with his parents on Monday to present the assessment report to them. The student is from a small town near my small town. It turns out the boy's step-dad went to school with my brother and his reading teacher at school is the mother of someone I went to school with and had a major crush on. Small world.

My mom finally went to the doctor. She probably has gall bladder problems. She has to go in for some further scans but I think we are all extremely relieved to have some sort of diagnosis.

E and family left Thursday for a vacation resort in Texas. I can't remember where. Can't wait for July when they'll be back and I'll have some free time to spend with my favorite girls.

Last night I went to the fabulous Fox theater with some friends from school and saw.....

I was totally blown away!!! I feel as though a fundamental belief from my childhood has been shaken! Good and evil will never seem the same. Wicked Witch of the West NOT evil? Glinda not entirely GOOD? I was fascinated by all the twisters and turns and little hints and inside jokes alluding to what I know of The Wizard of Oz. I could watch it again and again. It might edge out Phantom as my favorite musical.

They have been working all week at mowing, raking and chopping the alfalfa in the field behind my house and the sweet, sweet smell has been wafting in my windows all week. One of those things you don't realize you enjoy so much until it happens the first time in the early summer. Now, I'm going to catch up with all my blogging friends, enjoy a magazine from cover to cover and do some homework.

Life is good, good, good!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Cart Before Weary Horse

I added a name to my short list of baby names today. Cart before horse?

I'm weary of waiting for my turn.

And worried it will never be my turn.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Butt Kicking Bike Seat

I've done well. I've had a bike ride 4 out of the last 5 days and tracked food everyday and stayed within my calorie range.

The bike is kicking my butt. Yesterday, I thought I'd overdone it. The last two miles...I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it and would have to walk. But I did stay on the bike although my muscles were screaming and my vajayjay was trying to eat the bike seat. There was some pain there. Any thoughts on bicycling while TTC? I'll die if it somehow effects getting pregnant. I already have one of those extra big, soft bike seats. For me, there is a lot and I mean A LOT of weight balanced on that delicate body part when I'm on a bike. Can the uterus or uterine lining somehow be effected by all that weight and pressure for that period of time? Can it be squashed or somehow damaged? Jeez...the things I have to consider right now.

I'm starting to worry about the month of July. I won't be working and will be on the serious drugs. It's so difficult for me to keep myself busy during time off. How will I manage while on Lupron, etc? How will I keep my drugged out Crazy Train Brain occupied?

Mom and Dad are discontinuing use of their safe deposit box and gave me my birth certificate and some savings bonds from when I was born. My birth certificate was so small. About the size of an index card folded into a little envelope. I've never seen one like that before. Dad joked that the county was on a tight budget that year.

Mom gave me some beautiful summer squash. The first garden produce. Lovely.

These are the mudane but lovely details of the weekend. Why is it that sometimes when I have a quiet weekend alone, I'm miserable and other times I revel in it?

Friday, June 11, 2010

Flashing Lights

I stepped on the scale 3 days ago, things aren't as bad as I feared. I'm the same weight I've been for the past 3 months or so. I guess I've had enough good days to balance the bad, nutritionally speaking. I'm thinking high blood pressure is creeping up on me. I woke up the day after my last post and briefly saw flashing white lights in my peripheral vision. I had this one time before during an extremely stressful time. And I don't know how to explain it, but I feel the blood rushing through my veins sometimes. I can feel it pounding in my ears or lips. It's weird. This flashing light thing has terrified me. I've exercised 2 of the last three days, and gone back to tracking food online. Only 3 days in but I feel immensely better already, physically and in frame of mind. As I've said before, gotta start somewhere. I'm praying that I can stick with it and the flashing lights stay away.

Mom, C and I had dinner with our dear cousin P tonight. A few years ago she stayed with me when she was having a rough time. Soon afterward she moved 5 hours north and I miss her. It was so good to visit with her.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Excuses/No Excuses

Summer school is going well. I didn't realize that I missed being in the classroom until I went back to teaching. The kids are so cute and sweet. They really work hard and try anything I put in front of them. I love being silly with them and making them giggle. It's a lower class number, only 10, so the stress is minimal from the kids. From the administration, however, that's another story.

Well, I'm not getting thinner so far this summer, only fatter. What are my excuses? It's a weird schedule. 7:30-12:30. I do bring a snack to eat while the kids eat theirs' but by the time I get home it's after 1:30 and I'm starved. The cafeteria does offer the teachers a free lunch to eat while supervising the kids but we all know what school lunches consist of. I once saw a cook put an entire stick of butter into a pot of veggies. And who wants to eat while supervising kids? So I end up eating a big lunch at a late time and then snacking all evening long. I really have no excuse for not exercising. Mondays and Wednesdays are my graduate class, truly no time on those days but I have no excuse for the other five days of the week. Today I did homework and then I just frittered away my time, reading and watching tv.

But really I have no excuse. Why can't I get it together?

I'll never be able to forgive myself if I'm not able to conceive as a result of being fat.

If that happens, I won't have any reason at all to try lose weight, I imagine I'll become one of those 700 pound people who can't leave their home.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Socially Graceful, I Ain't

Just home from a co-worker's wedding. I really am terribly shy and gatherings like this are difficult for me. I was dreading it and nearly talked myself into making an excuse and not going. But I went. It was ok at first even though I felt like the only single person there. I was able to make conversation and seem normal. I just feel so fat and awkward at these things. As the evening wore on I was more and more uncomfortable. Everyone always wants to take pictures ad nauseum and then there's the dancing. Ughh. I'm just not comfortable throwing my fat around like that. I finally cut out early. I don't think anyone really noticed or cared. I did not cry on the long, lonely drive home....but I wanted to.

How I wish I was one of those socially graceful, outgoing people who have fun where ever they are.....why do I have to be such an awkward, ugly, backward schlub?

One of my many wishes for my donor egg baby is that they are genetically outgoing and likable. Some one who is actually happy to go to large gatherings and talk and laugh with many people.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Jaded Calendar

I just got my calendar for my "July" cycle. Looks like the transfer won't be until August 3 or so which is also my birthday. To use a worn out phrase, it feels so "been there, done that". I was so very eager and thrilled to get my calendar the first time. This time I'd say I was more more thing that passed without a snafu. Little did I know two months ago that I would change from a woman with baby dreaming stars in her eyes, to a woman who woke up to the reality that a million things really could go wrong and who only feels relief as each step passes.

It all seem so far away. The calendar doesn't even begin until June 27 and meds don't start until July 8. Nearly a whole long month to wait before I'm even "on" the calendar. Thank goodness I have summer school and my grad class to keep me busy in June. July is going to be one long month.

I can't believe how much I HAVEN'T been thinking about it. Gone are the days (for now) that I obsessively think about my donor and upcoming transfer. I don't worry that she's taking her vitamins, eating her veggies or driving safely. Although I still think any egg donor is an amazing person, and I know for certain this is the perfect donor to help me start my family, I'm not filled with awe and amazement that she would do something so life altering for me, a stranger. These are things and many more that I thought about every day, many times a day in the weeks leading up to my cancelled cycle. Now I barely remember to squeak out a quick prayer for her each night.

The excitment will return as the transfer date gets closer.


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Little Kids, Little Cows

Summer school began today. I've had two days of hard work setting up my classroom and helping my teammates set up theirs'. We were ready today when the kids came. I'd forgotten what cute, sweet kids kindergartners are. I got my classroom training wheels out and I think I did pretty good considering I've been out of the classroom for two years. I'm team teaching with a gal who has taught third grade and will now teach first in the fall. It was fun to see her learning and growing as a teacher. She will be ready for the fall.

We have an unusual arrival on our farm. My dad's dairy cows are black and white Holsteins. We've always had black and white cows, I don't remember ever seeing another type on the place. Last week this little guy was born.

A "red" and white Holstein! He caused quite the excitement around the place. Dad says it's just a recessive gene trait that pops up from time to time, although we haven't had one on our farm in many years.

So this little guy doesn't look like his mom or dad.

I had to wonder.....was it a donor egg?