Friday, June 4, 2010

Jaded Calendar

I just got my calendar for my "July" cycle. Looks like the transfer won't be until August 3 or so which is also my birthday. To use a worn out phrase, it feels so "been there, done that". I was so very eager and thrilled to get my calendar the first time. This time I'd say I was more more thing that passed without a snafu. Little did I know two months ago that I would change from a woman with baby dreaming stars in her eyes, to a woman who woke up to the reality that a million things really could go wrong and who only feels relief as each step passes.

It all seem so far away. The calendar doesn't even begin until June 27 and meds don't start until July 8. Nearly a whole long month to wait before I'm even "on" the calendar. Thank goodness I have summer school and my grad class to keep me busy in June. July is going to be one long month.

I can't believe how much I HAVEN'T been thinking about it. Gone are the days (for now) that I obsessively think about my donor and upcoming transfer. I don't worry that she's taking her vitamins, eating her veggies or driving safely. Although I still think any egg donor is an amazing person, and I know for certain this is the perfect donor to help me start my family, I'm not filled with awe and amazement that she would do something so life altering for me, a stranger. These are things and many more that I thought about every day, many times a day in the weeks leading up to my cancelled cycle. Now I barely remember to squeak out a quick prayer for her each night.

The excitment will return as the transfer date gets closer.



  1. I think I'm feeling a little of what you're feeling...I'm too afraid to get too excited after being so bitterly disappointed. Let's stay positive & hopeful though, 'kay?

  2. Absolutely it will. It's hard to feel vulnerable because last time, well we know what happened. So although you want to be excited, you are self protecting. But don;t worry, you'll come around, You cant help but to be excited when you your transfer date rolls around, if not sooner. But yes, one day at a time seems more fitting some times.


  3. I'm sure the excitment will return as the date approaches!
    Hope June goes as quick as the wind! And how nice that your transfer might fall on your birthday!

  4. I think it's difficult to manage the same level of emotion for an extended time and we go into self preservation mode. That said as you get closer yes I'm sure you will get excited again. I'm glad you have things to keep you busy in the meantime.

  5. You've been through a lot, Paige. I don't blame you for being cautious with your emotions. We do that to protect ourselves.
    The excitement WILL come--especially when all the pieces come together. And they will.

  6. I'll make sure to add both you and her to my prayers.
    Time is such a tricky thing. When you're at work and want to go home, a look at the clock usually reveals a whole whoppin' five mins have gone by. Cut to the weekend that you have so much you want to do, and the next thing you know it's time to set the alarm for work again. (depressing, sorry) I hope that August 3 comes quickly for you, but allows you to get done the things you'd like!

  7. Hey, look how close you are! It really will go by quickly, and suddenly you'll be in the thick of it. And you do get excited again, but I must say for me it was never the same after that first disillusioning. (is that a word?) anyway, I think you just are more aware that things can go wrong. But the up side is, this time you KNOW how to give the shots and it isn't so scary - you'll be more aware of how the cycle works so if something is amiss you will catch it. It sucks to be experienced, but here I am! Good luck hon.