Sunday, January 30, 2011


I'm finding that time has been split into BDB (Before Dead Baby) and obviously ADB (After Dead Baby).

BDB-I would have written about drama going on at school. Because of a simple miscommunication an older battleax of a teacher (yes, it's KO of former glory) is saying that a younger teacher is a liar and the younger teacher and her friend were crying and saying how much they hated working at our school. I would have written how upset I was about it all.

ADB-I'm not upset but have decided that I work with children and I don't mean my students. I want to tell the older one to stop being such a battleax and I want to yell at the younger ones that none of this crap matters since they have children who are alive so shut up with the stupid crying.

BDB-I would have told you about the choices I've made for the kitchen remodel. I would have been excitedly planning where I would store baby bottles and sippy cups. I would have imagined a high chair in the dining area and a laughing toddler along with it, spaghetti sauce in his hair and noodles on the floor.

ABD-I can tell you that it was a slow chore to have made almost all the decisions for the remodel because I don't trust myself in my current mental state and I know I'll have to look at these choices for the rest of my life. I will go in tomorrow to make the official order and put money down. I look at all the cabinets and wonder what a childless, singleton needs with all that space within a fine new kitchen. I don't deserve it and wonder if I've wasted money I should be hoarding for some sort of adoption.

BDB-I would have written that it was a great weekend including circle time with the Yas on Friday, celebrating a friend's 50th birthday at Tucker's in Soulard on Saturday and three dinner invitations on Sunday. I ended up at E's and it did my heart good to see my nieces. I would have written about all the laughs and good memories made. BDB I would have written that it really was a great weekend.

ADB - I could write the same thing but I have to add that my heart felt so low all weekend. When I'm with friends and family I'm able to be distracted. I genuinely laugh and smile. I'm almost to the point that I can forget my pain for a while but then the social event ends and my heart drops. I spent a lot of time crying this weekend too.

BDB-I would have written about being 28 weeks pregnant now. Maybe I would have written about Sweet Pea doing inutero jumping jacks or the latest ultrasound or having to pee all the time or getting a larger belly and starting to feel encumbered by it. Maybe I'd be writing about a baby shower.

ADB-I tell you my heart hurts continuously with missing my Sweet Pea and I wish everyday that he'd stayed.

BDB-I would be planning for our future.

ADB-I wonder everyday what is going to become of me.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Reiki, Part 2

After blogging last night, I opened an email from my mother. I guess she's been feeling that her grief is "getting in my way" and feels guilty about crying in front of me. We've been having an email exchange about it. Anyway, within the latest email she talks about my great grandmother:
"Remember the story about Grandmother Yevette seeing a golden light surround you as Grandpa baptized you. She told that story many times through the years & I'm sure it happened exactly the way she said."

Ummm... I don't remember ever hearing this story before. Mom strikes again. I couldn't help but wonder about the timing of it. I'd just had golden light around me as part of this mystical Reiki experience and she tells me about Grandma Yvette seeing golden light around me as an infant. It all seems a little unworldly to me.

I asked her about it tonight and she said Grandma Y talked about it a lot when I was a small child. When Grandpa Williams sprinkled the water on my forehead Grandma Y saw a gold light "come out" and surrounded me. She said it stayed with me for the rest of the service. I tried to press Mom for more details but she couldn't remember much more.

In the first 10 seconds of laying eyes on me this morning, Jae, who has some experience with Reiki, noticed something different. "Reiki was wonderful for you, wasn't it?" she asked. She said she I looked 26 pounds lighter and 10 years younger. That my skin looked lighter and alive again. When I checked myself out in the mirror, I had to agree with her. The clinched, tight look has loosened and wrinkles that were starting to form between my eyes were less pronounced. I think this experience with Reiki has been life changing...such as life is these days. I haven't been able to recognize my eyes in the mirror since losing Greyson, but this time when I looked, I saw a tiny glint of the Paige I'm familiar with peeking out at me.

I went to visit Greyson's grave after school and I didn't cry. I didn't really feel at peace but sort of numb.

I still feel plenty of pain and have cried at other times today but something has definitely changed.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Reiki Healing Massage

Reiki massage. I would go back everyday if I could. I haven't breathed this easy for a very long time. It was a heaven-like break for my brain. For the most part, the only thoughts I had while she was working on me were about the sensations going on in my body and being aware of my breathing. I do believe some hippy trippy healing went on inside my body.

The sensation of energy (or spirit or soul or divinity or whatever) moving in and out and around in my body was real. She started by putting her hands on my legs and I immediately felt a lot of tugging sensations in my uterus area. She asked me to envision golden light surrounding my head and that I was breathing in the golden light. These visions came to me easily and gave me a warm feeling. At one point the light went dark and toward the end I envisioned beautiful golden sparks flying out of my head but I wonder now if they were really trying to go into my head not out.

Different points that she worked on my body created different sensations. When she was working on my shoulders and head, I felt butterflies in my stomach and a very warm melting sensation around the points she was working. At this time, my tight chest loosened up and my breathing that has been "heavy" feeling since I lost Greyson became very effortless and light feeling. My whole body felt very weightless, I almost felt as if I was escaping my body for moments at a time. Like I was trying to have an out of body experience, but the energy kept circling back inside me. The grapefruit sized knot I carry with me in my neck loosened and became very warm and melty feeling.

She worked on my head and I could feel the areas where I usually feel dizziness change. For a time I became very dizzy and sort of high feeling but then those feelings fluttered away and this lightness entered my head too. My head felt very empty and weightless. (Insert appropriate joke here :)

Afterwards I became very tearful and thanked her for her work. Beforehand I had told her about the still birth, dizzy spells, headaches and this huge knot at the base of my neck. Afterwards I asked her to tell me about myself. I can't remember a lot of what she said but they were all things you would expect related to what I had told her. She said my pelvic area feels empty and injured because I'm still healing. Something about the pancreas but I don't remember what. My diaphragm was very tight and was holding in bad energy which is why it's been difficult to breath. She said it felt like I'd had a very bad blow to the diaphragm which is related to the respiratory system. But then she said something about resetting something, I can't remember what, because I was having trouble sleeping so resetting this would help correct the sleeping problem. I hadn't told her I was having trouble sleeping.

Then she gave me instructions about detoxing over the next few days by drinking more water than usual and putting lemon into it, eating raw apples and taking a bath with salt and vinegar in it. She said that the bad energy let loose in the body heads for bloodstream and then the liver so we need to help the body get rid of those toxins.

I scheduled a whole hour next month.


Sidenote: When I first went in there and told her about losing Greyson, she immediately asked me if I had a support group. I just blurted out what happened with the baby showing up at the meeting last night. She was horrified and offered to mention something to the leader. Turns out she founded that very support group years ago. The randomness of the world.....

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Support Group Baby

I think I forgot to mention that the first time I went to the support group in December there was a hugely pregnant woman there. I get why. It must be very worrisome and stressful to be pregnant after a loss.

The woman was there tonight too and SHE BROUGHT THE BABY. It was only 10 days old.


They were very polite about it and said if it bothered anyone the husband could take the baby into the hallway.

I didn't want to be the one to say that the baby being there bothered me.

Halfway through the meeting, she breast fed it.
Right there in front of a bunch of grieving mothers.

The other three people there seemed like long time friends of this woman and
wanted to see and fuss over the baby.


Monday, January 24, 2011


I've seen a commercial for my fertility clinic twice today.
They are having free seminars and giving away an IVF cycle.
This place is a complete sell out.
I know first hand that their cycles fill up fast.
Why would they need to advertise and give away prizes?
I guess it's all about making money.

I sort of panic when I think about how even as I type this the cycles are filling up fast.
I have to hurry and get myself together so I can sign up to try again during the month I want, instead of the month they say they have room for me.

As my mother reminded me when I talked to her about being sure I (and she) was ready to handle it all again including the possiblity of another loss before contacting the doctor,
"I hate to remind you of this, but you ARE getting older."

Thanks, Mom.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Calling All Believers

My God.

My Lord.

My Father.

My whole life I knew in the deepest part of my being that God had a plan for me. He knew every breath I took, numbered the hairs on my head, knit my bones in the womb with joy. It was comforting to know this. I believed that every little thing happened for a reason. It felt safe to be in God's hands. I felt loved.

Back then, even in my darkest days, I knew I had immeasurable joy in front of me. I knew God wanted me to be happy.

I was as sure of him and his plan for me as I was of taking the next breath. I prayed everynight in good times and bad. For years, asking God to send my child and then giving thanks daily after I was pregnant. I used to talk to God like he was my friend. I used to trust him.

In the time right after I lost Greyson, everything I thought I knew about my God was destroyed. I stopped believing there was a God. The God I was so close with had disappeared.

I couldn't believe this was part of our plan.

The most frightening thing was that I didn't feel my Lord anywhere around me. I didn't feel held or planned for or loved at all. In those early days, I felt nothing in the way of faith, only a void where God used to be. There are still many dark and scary days when I feel this way.

And later, there was plenty of anger for a God who would cause this kind of devastation in my life. What kind of God only gives a baby 20 weeks of life? What kind of God only gives a woman 20 weeks of happiness? What kind of plan for my life could involve me leaving the planet without being a mother?

I still don't believe my child died for a reason. I'll never accept that. At times when I used to see God working in my life, I now only see the randomness of the world.

I know it is not God who has changed but me. My heart is full of pain and shut tight, not allowing him in. Some days I do feel my belief that there actually is a God returning. But I don't recognize the God who is with me now. A God who seems uncaring and cruel. There have been a few times that I've squeezed out genuine prayers but mostly, when I start to pray, I just trail off and am not able to finish the thought. It's a terrifying feeling to be living this life without faith and to feel that God is an unkind stranger. Like walking a tightrope without a net, the fear of falling and dying is real.

After Greyson's funeral, I talked about not being able to feel God anywhere around me to Pastor Jackie. I asked her to talk to God for me, as I was not able to myself. If you're reading and you are a believer, I ask you to do the same.

I don't think I'll be able to move forward until I'm right with God and I'm unsure of how to make this happen.

Every week I think about going to Pastor Jackie's church. Every week I don't go and I wonder if it's hypocritical to attend church without faith.

Please ask him to hurry because I'm scared and I need him.

Friday, January 21, 2011


I've got a couple heavy blog entries cooking in my brain but don't have the stamina to get into them tonight. Just a few house blogkeeping items:

Fourteen inches of snow and a Snow Day yesterday but back to school today. It was one degree when I left the house this morning. We were one of the few schools in attendance around here. I had eight students show up. Quite a few Snow Days for us so far which works out for me since I'm still having a tough time handling school sometimes, especially after several days in a row. In the past I would have said that things always happen the way they should, i.e. if you need relief, you get it. Now, I know it's just the scientific interaction of temperature, water and air pressure.

I was going to show the kids a movie on the smartboard this afternoon and something weird happened. When I put in the movie disc and clicked play....our ultrasound video started playing. Without a disc or anything. Somehow the file had saved on the computer, I guess. Jae helped me figure out how to delete it after school.

Oh my boy...he was so beautiful.

You may have noticed my anger post was reposted. I accidentally wrote my last name with Greyson's first name in that post. I don't mind if you, my blog friends, know my last name but don't want any baddies knowing it or if someone I know were to for some reason search my name or his and come up with the blog and all the raw, ugly personal stuff on here. I tried just deleting the last name from the post but that didn't work so I thought I'd try deleting the whole post and reposting it without the name. Now, the blog doesn't pop up if you search me but it does if you search him. I can't imagine who would be searching him but you never know. I don't really want to shut down this blog and start over somewhere else. Any ideas?

Inbetween: Thanks for the advice on the prof. It's a public university. I'm thinking about writing that letter. Thank you for caring enough to post that comment.

Nell: Thanks for the email. I'll take care of that item.

I've decided to stop worrying if the stuff I do or think is crazy. Maybe it is. SO WHAT???

I think I'll soon have to throw myself into something. No, not a lake or a ravine. Something to immerse myself in totally to help me move forward and keep my mind occupied. The only thing I can think of is weight loss.

I'm DIZZY! Not ditzy...dizzy. Ever since losing Greyson I've had dizzy spells. It was fun at first but in the past few days, they've gotten quite severe. I don't have high or low blood pressure or ear problems. I had thought it might be hormonal but Dr. H took my blood Monday and all the levels were normal. The nurse said to give it a couple weeks and come back if it didn't go away. Anybody else have experience with dizziness after giving birth?'s been almost 7 weeks. Shouldn't I be getting a period soon????? Or are all my eggs entirely gone now and I'm in menopause at 39????

Thursday, January 20, 2011


I almost let yesterday's date slip by without remembering that one year ago Dr. AA told me my eggs were nearly nonexistent and rotten. How naive I was back then to think of Dominished Ovarian Reserve as the worst possible thing that could happen. I now laugh bitterly at my innocent self of days gone by. HA HA

Everytime I tried to change my fate, the attempt got wrecked.
And life got worse.

Everytime I dragged myself from the bottom of hopelessness and gave myself a new chance,
I got slammed down harder and lower than I thought I could ever go.

How much lower is there?
Surely now I've hit bottom.

What if a year from now I'm laughing bitterly at the self I am now?
Because I dragged myself up one last time
and yet again was slammed into the ground.

I won't survive another slam.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I dreamt last night that my long ago coworker came to visit me with her husband and kids while I worked at the mall. At the Gap, I think. I was so happy to see her. When we left, her husband and kids took the car while Sheila and I took a boat. The water was so clear and blue. But we wrecked. I was driving the boat and it was my fault. Sheila was very mad at me.

I feel better today. Physically I'm kicking the flu's butt. Emotionally I hardly cried at all, relatively speaking. I was glad to see my kids. Being around them is so good for me. Especially when they are glad to see me too and behave well for me. They spent the first 30 minutes of the day telling me everything the substitute did wrong. "She didn't even know how we do calendar!" Poor sub.

I must say I'm feeling sane today. I feel half alive, rather than half dead and numb, which is how I usually feel on these 'good' days. Crazy how it can change so drastically from day to day. Speaking of crazy, I know I just said I feel sane but I did something a little crazy today.

I bought a book for Greyson. It didn't feel crazy at the time. It made me feel his love. It made me warm.

Whereever You Are, My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman

"I wanted you more than you’ll ever know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go. . . . "

“So climb any mountain…climb up to the sky! My love will find you. My love can fly

"You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are."

Remember I was being silly and worrying about Greyson in Heaven? Well, reading this book really helped me. My love grew him and my love can fly! We're not really separated at all. Only in the flesh are we apart. I also thought about Greyson's funeral service which focused on Psalms 139 part of which talks about God being with you no matter how far in the depths you are.

I'll be with Greyson again.

My faith will return.


PS I just evaded a phone call from the horrid professor who made me write that final days after I lost Greyson and who called the night of the first class of this semester which I'd dropped to ask why I wasn't there. What the hell could she want? Why can't she just leave me alone?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Most Important Person

I stayed home from work today and do feel a little better. In the late afternoon, I got a call from the tile lady saying she had some samples in for me to look at and because I'd been cooped up all day and was actually sore from laying around so much I took myself to look at them. As I left the tile place, I was relieved because I'd pulled off making the tile lady think I was normal. I'd interacted with her face to face for a considerable amount of time without crying or choking up. I was able to focus on the decisions before me.

I'd hidden the fact that I'm a grieving mother who has lost her only child only six weeks ago.

Tile lady will never know that I was the mother to a very special boy albeit entirely too briefly.
She will never know Greyson P existed on earth.

Nor will others that I may interact with over the course of my life.

Greyson was the most important thing I've ever done.
The most important person in my life.
It makes my heart ache to know that others will not know him
or know of him.

I have to figure out a way to honor Greyson so I can begin to let him go.
I understand this.
But I can't think of a way right now and I'm not able to let go.
Missing him,
wishing he were still here,
the undeniable hollow where he should be.
These are the last experiences I'll have with my little one and I can't leave them yet.
It's only been six weeks.
Not long enough to say good bye to the most important person in my life.
I'm not ready.

I love you, Greyson P.
You wrote upon my heart and made it expand exponentially.
Momma won't ever forget you were here.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Still No Answers

The day started out ok even though the flu was kicking my butt. I had breakfast at Bread Co with my former coworker, MS. She gave me a beautiful snow globe with Greyson's name engraved on it.

Throughout the course of the day I spiraled down, down, down. Emotionally and physically. Emotionally, I'm very close to wishing I wasn't even on this earth right now. Physically, I'm miserable.

Second follow up with Dr. H today but it's not even worth recounting my questions or his answers. It's all still the same. We don't know what causes this or if it could happen again. Again, he said something about it being fortunate that this doesn't happen very often and again I said it wasn't fortunate for me. I really tried to push him to give me real answers. I cried multiple times and was terse with him. It was a bad scene.

I think he could sense how much I was searching and dissatisfied with his answers, he encouraged me to take my information back to Dr. AA or to a high risk OB and ask them all my questions. I tried to get a definitive answer out of him about trying again. He said I had to decide if emotionally I could handle another loss but that physically he was comfortable recommending trying again.

And he did give me something for this flu. Speaking of which...I have to throw up now.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I dreamed last night that my bloggy friend, Kim, went with me to my second embryo transfer. The transfer was preformed by an older, tan skinned doctor with glasses who I've never seen before in real life or in my dreams. Dr. AA was not there but as we sat waiting at a table after the transfer, I realize that all the children sitting at the table, doing their homework are Dr. AA's children. Then, I woke up with a raging headache.

I got sicker and sicker the whole day including chills, body wracking coughing and a fever. Now I have to decide wheather to cancel my appointment with Dr. H and make one with my GP or just go and hope Dr. H will throw me some antibiodics.

Dear Life,

Thank you for kicking me while I'm down.
I hate you today.
Could I please have a break?


Dear Delurkers,

Wonderful!!! Thanks for being brave and delurking for me. There are many others out there. Again I invite you to say hi.


Saturday, January 15, 2011

Update On Grief And The State Of My Sanity

I don't know if you noticed but I was able to write a blog entry yesterday without mentioning grief, crying, pain, my dead baby or the shaky state of my sanity. I'm feeling desperately sad, still and missing Sweet Pea with every breath. Something's changed, I guess. Numbness seems to have taken over. I still cry daily and sometimes I cry hard but I haven't had a truly hysterical crying jag for a few days. My mind still turns and turns without stopping but the frightening high speed that threatens me ever closer to the edge of my sanity has slowed some.

I've been worrying about something that is really, really silly. I know Aunt Alys came and took Greyson away from me in the hospital to bring him into Heaven. I keep waiting and waiting for some dream or sign that he's happy and ok but it doesn't come. Greyson was created with a donor egg and donor sperm. He was a child of my heart not my genetics. What if he got confused In Heaven and went with the wrong family. I know it sounds insane but this really bothers me. I don't want him up there with strangers and lost. What if he's not showing up in my dreams because he can't find me? What if I get up to heaven and I can't find him? I may as well go to hell.

Maybe my mind hasn't slowed as much as I thought?

Mom went with me today to pick tile for the kitchen. We found some lovely old world looking tile for the backsplash. It's kind of different yet kind of traditional. I felt a spark of interest while we were looking.

Dad, E and RV installed the oven and the cabinetry around the fridge, worked on electrical stuff and brought in the island cabinets. The project rolls forward...spark or no spark.

Thanks to MB, I'm now obsessed with the "stats" button. I never knew that existed before yesterday. I really and truly CANNOT believe how many of you out there read. I can't figure out WHY you would want to read but I'm glad that you do.

Thank you.

I really wish you would ALL delurk!


Right now!

Go head, click on comments and tell me hi.
I dare you.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Eagle Outing

Two of my best friends are wonderful photographers and wanted to go a nearby lock and dam on the Mississippi to capture images of eagles who come south to escape the ice locked water in the north and feed on the river. We had such a fun time! We saw magnificent bald eagles gliding through the air and floating on ice in the river. The sound of the river lapping at the shore sounded so calming to me. I think I could use a week (or year) of being still and listening to that sound.

And we had so many laughs. Real laughs. MB lost her footing and fell but being the firecracker she is, she was able to laugh in spite of minor ouches. I thought the funny part was that when MC asked if "it" was twisted or broken, meaning her ankle, MB answered that she thought her camera was fine. Funnier still that I stopped to take a pic myself?
You can see brilliant photography of the eagles we saw over here and over there.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

A Good Coworker Story

Just home from a late night of parent/teacher conferences. I'm pleased because I was able to hold it together and mostly focus while talking to all these adults and because I was able to talk to the parents of three out of my four students who really struggle and may be retained. I'm hoping to talk to the last one tomorrow.

I had a very comforting conversation with my coworker BS. I had made a sarcastic comment yesterday about taking up gardening because isn't that what childless spinsters do. She approached me this morning while we were in the hallway with kids saying that she'd thought of me all evening and me making that comment made her sad for me and that I should try again. I couldn't answer with so many people around. She seemed so genuinely sad and concerned for me that I talked to her during our break to tell her I probably would try again someday but that it was way too soon to think about it, I'm still shattered, etc. She said she understood that, of course, and we talked about grief a little.

And then she asked something nobody else has asked. She asked me what my baby looked like saying she bet he had red hair like mine (she didn't know about the donor egg) and she smiled and said that she knew he'd been perfect. People don't usually smile when they talk about my son. I don't usually smile myself when I talk about him. I told her that he had a bit of fuzz but I couldn't tell the color and that he'd had long fingers and toes with perfect teeny fingernails and toenails and probably would have been tall. She asked if I took pictures and said she'd like to see him when I was ready to share them. I understand that people may think it's macabre to talk about a dead baby but it made me feel so warm to share him in this way. He was a real baby and he's still very real to me, but nobody ever acknowledges him like that.

She also told me how upset people at work had been the whole week I was gone. That people cried. She said all of them didn't want me to come back to work so soon because they knew I'd lost my whole world. That they were all grieving him too. I believe her but find it odd that no one called while I was out or tried to convince me to take more time off or extended much sympathy after I came back. I just don't understand people.

PS...the dumb professor called last night because I wasn't in class and she was so concerned. Why can't people just lay off me taking this damn class. I'm simply not strong enough. She made me cry. I hate her.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Most of the school districts in the area called a second Snow Day but not mine. It was 12 degrees when I left for school with a windchill of -8. The students had a previously scheduled half day. Only seven showed up so it was a bit of a laid back day for us. I taught them to cut out snowflakes and they had lots of fun with it. The second half of the day was professional development on teaching writing.

Emotionally, it was a different, numb sort of day. I think it might be the first day I didn't cry, or cry hard anyway. It feels like it may be a leftover effect of the Xanax or maybe the after effect of just having a vacation from my mind constantly tormenting me. Or possibly having a Snow Day helped. I think it would really help me if I could work only three days a week. Maybe a combination of all these things. Why am I analyzing this so much? RK was mind is way too busy even when it's numb.

Maybe I'm beginning to leave the raw, torturous anguish of losing Greyson behind me. Is it messed up of me to be a little bit sad about that?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Happy Birthday Stretch

I cannot believe I'm the aunt to a TEENAGER. It's been all boys, texting and wii this past year so I wonder what 13 will bring her. Where did the years go? I'm proud to be the aunt of such a beautiful, funny and smart young woman.

Oreo ice cream cake at E's house to celebrate. I loved watching E show Stretch a few chords on her new guitar and joking around with the whole family.

While there we got to talking about injuries and who'd had stitches. I guess I'm the only one in the family who has had them which is surprising since we grew up on a farm and were around tools and such all the time. Mom busts out with the info that I was the first patient at our local hospital's emergency room. I swear I've never heard this before. I remember falling in the bathtub and cutting my eyebrow open. I remember driving there holding a washcloth on my cut and asking Mom if I could pray without folding my hands. I remember being scared. But I don't remember being the first patient. Mom says there were doctors and nurses just standing around waiting for the first patient. I imagine they were disappointed it wasn't some big trauma but just a clumsy little girl.

Three inches of snow here and a Snow Day from school. I sat on my butt all morning watching TV and laying around. In the afternoon I did laundry and cleaned yet another layer of dust off of everything I own, vacuumed and tore out the other half of my kitchen floor.

And I took my first Xanax. I hated to do it because I really didn't feel the need but both the dr and the couselor cautioned to try for the first time when I was at home so I could know how I responded when I needed it. I can see why it's addictive. The vacation I needed. The ugly emotional wheel stopped for a while. I wish I didn't have to have those pills but I hope they can help me when I'm actually feeling driven to the edge.

To Iris' Mommy: Thank you for your kind comment and for understanding and defending my "voice". Thank you for being part of my support system and listening (reading) without judgement.

To Nell: Heferrini is my new favorite word!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Hitting Anger

I hate my coworker, KO. She has been pushing me to take the grad class I was supposed to take this semester. I guess she can't realize how close I am to truly falling apart. She came into my classroom after school asking about the class and talking about how I have to start putting my life back together and if I don't take the class now, I may never be able to. I tried to tell her that I was not holding it together very well and couldn't look at the teacher and the pregnant student all semester and that I could not handle the pressure of all the assignments. All stuff she'd heard before. She started talking about when her dad died and how I would see that there was a reason for what had happened. I stopped her and told her I would never believe that.

My baby is dead! What could be a good reason for that? What? Further, her father was old and sick. He was supposed to die. Healthy babies who are half way through gestation and who are loved beyond belief are not supposed to die. I told her that what happened to us was wrong and unnatural and I believe that in the deepest part of my heart and soul.

She mentioned something about God and I told her right out that I wasn't sure I believed in him anymore. She did back off then and said she couldn't understand what I was going through because she hadn't experienced it and that she was just trying to watch out for me as a friend because not taking the class could mean I wouldn't get the the job as a reading teacher that might be open next year and she wanted me to have it because I had so enjoyed that job when I had it.

How dare she or anyone else tell me what my grief over my dead son should look like. Who cares about some dumb class when it takes every ounce of strength I have to get out of bed? I'm not sure I can continue to work with children anyway so what is the point of taking a class to get a reading specialist degree?

I hate people.

Counseling tonight...I blabbered on and on and on crying and talking very fast about what happened with KO, the crazy thoughts going on in my head and Dr. H. RK honed in on the giant hamster wheel going full tilt in my head that never seems to stop. My brain is very busy. issues, i.e. Dr. H and the support group leader and people in general.

Afterward, I drove to the University and canceled that effing class.
KO can kiss my grits.


Latajhia, the student who had said her sister's baby died, found a moment to approach me when there was no one else nearby. She asked to see inside my necklace again and asked me what his name had been. I liked hearing her voice say, "Greyson...B---?" Then, she asked what my baby had looked like. I told her how cute and sweet he looked and showed her with my hands about how small he'd been. She smiled and went on her merry way. Later I asked her what had happened to her sister's baby. Turns out it was her aunt's baby and they had told Latajhia it would be a "preeennnie" but that it "got lost". I talked with her a little about it, the whole time thinking about Dollface and wondering if someone was having a similar talk with her. She's mentioned "your baby who died" a couple of times and it's hard for me to talk to her about it.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Mrs. Elkins

Five weeks ago I delivered a dead baby and had to tell him good bye. It's only been five weeks. I try very hard to remember that when I'm having a hard time which is pretty often. It seems like a very long time ago.

I'm tired of having emotions. I'm worn out.

I still can't believe this has happened. I'll never be able to accept it.

I keep thinking about Mrs. Elkins. Mrs. Elkins lived with her two children, her sister and the sister's son. And she was cracked. Truly off her rocker. Clearly, the sister was the sane one who took care of the family. I knew this family because I had the sister's child, Glen, in my kindergarten class years ago.

Mrs. Elkins was constantly pregnant. Only she really wasn't. She would talk on and on about pregnancy symptoms and tell you she was due over the summer but the next year there was never a baby. Sometimes she was "pregnant" with twins. The next year when we asked to see the "twins" they were always home sleeping. Once she came to school wearing a dirty bubblegum machine ring that had stones missing and said she had her man "right where she wanted him" but that she wouldn't let him touch her because if he did, she always got pregnant. When she went on like this the sister would just roll her eyes. One time I asked Glen if the new baby kept him up at night and he asked me what I was talking about.

We were never unkind to Mrs. Elkins to her face but a lot of fun was had by the teachers at her expense. We would deliberately ask her questions about her pregnancy trying to trip up her story. Then, we'd compare notes about what she'd said and laugh. I'm ashamed of that now.

I can't help but wonder what sent Mrs. Elkins into her own version of reality. If anything could drive a woman there, it would be having to bury a child. I wish I'd been kinder to her.

I understand now what a comfort a pretend world would be. I'm tired of fighting reality and trying to accept it. I wish I could create my own reality where I'm still pregnant and Sweet Pea is still alive. It would be so easy to slip to a cracked place where I'm still happy. It would be such a relief.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Cabinets Installed

Dad and E knocking down the wall between
the kitchen and utility room on December 27 .

After days of drywall work and copious amounts of DUST, today Dad, E, R
and I tore out part of the flooring, patched the hole in the subfloor
where the wall was and installed cabinets.

Mom and Dad took Dollface and me to Red Robin
for dinner. And now, Dollface is taking refuge here for the night
while big sis has a slumber party.

Don't ask why we're watching Hocus Pocus.


And I guess I can't let a post go by without mentioning pain or grief or my dead baby. I was finally able to watch Sweet Pea's ultrasound DVD last night after I wrote about my painful day. I've been wanting to watch it but it never seemed like the right time.

It made me miss him, of course, but it was mostly a good memory. My baby, on the screen, alive and moving all around. The joy of my life. I could see that his little face in real life had resembled the grey blobface on the screen.

My little boy was very fine looking.
I think he would have been wise too.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Falling Apart

It was a falling apart kind of day, especially the morning. I could barely hold myself together. I spent lunch crying again. I was mean and on edge with the kids. I couldn't stand the adults. I couldn't look at them and really couldn't speak to them except when I had to. I don't like myself this way.

I said something very inappropriate to my class. One of them noticed Greyson's necklace and I had yesterday's comments fresh in my mind. I was very calm and I showed them Greyson's name and said that it was my baby's name. They were surprised I had a baby and asked about him. I just said he wasn't with me anymore. One student asked if he got sick and died. I said yes and that I missed him. One girl said that was like when her sister's baby died. I said that is sad when that happens. Then I went on with reading a book to them. I realize this was not a good thing to do. Even while I was saying it, I realized I shouldn't be talking about this to six year olds. I would freak out if my kid came home saying that the teacher had a dead baby and was talking about it. Probably none of them remember it or will say anything since I was somehow able to remain casual about it and it was light years ago in kid time.

I should have taken more time off. But what good would that do? He'd still be dead. I'd still be in pain.

Normally, there would be a woohoo kind of feeling at the end of a day like today. I made it through the first full week after break. There are two full days off ahead of me and it's payday. But the woohoo feeling never came. After the kids are dismissed, I realized it was missing. I'm not happy or even relieved that it's the weekend. The weekend is just something else to get through.

Every breath is heavy. I do what I have to do, but look forward to nothing. It's all pain and there's just more of it on days like today. I feel like it will never get better, I'll be in pain always and there's no way to make it go away, no relief, no way to forget.

I'm so tired.
I wish I could stay in bed and cry.
But even crying doesn't take the heaviness away.

I visited the cemetery again.
I cryed hard while the snowflakes flew.
Then, walked into the drugstore and pretended I was a normal person.

When I got home, I looked at myself in the mirror.
For the first time since I lost Greyson, I tried to meet my own gaze.
I didn't recognize the eyes looking back at me.

Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I Love Greyson

My coworker, KO, noticed my pretty little necklace today and complimented me on it. I was pleased and showed her Greyson's name inside. I could tell I'd done the wrong thing. It made her uncomfortable and I think she might even have been disgusted. I love Greyson and was proud of him. I still feel very close with him even though he's not with me. Why is it not acceptable to talk about that?

Every night I ask Aunt Alys to bring Greyson to visit me in my dreams. I want and need so badly to see him again and know he's happy. She hasn't brought him yet. I'm hopeful because my grandma came frequently to visit my mother right after she died. So far the only person showing up is Dr. H and I know he's not visiting from heaven.

I haven't gotten any pennies from heaven since I lost Greyson. I guess Aunt Alys is pretty busy these days.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Nice Nieces

Too tired to write anything of substance. Just in from dinner at E's house. I think it's hysterical how people think I'm going to waste away though all of this. I have a little a lot of extra padding to work with here so people shouldn't worry. I was so tired but in the spirit of being "ok" I went and I'm glad I did. I played with both of the girls and they both seemed rather more affectionate than usual. Stretch wanted to show me her juggling and guitar hero skills. Dollface wanted to play "makeover" and littlest pet shop. They hid my shoes when it was time for me to go home so I would stay longer. I only choked up once while I was there. Now I'm sitting here with the fingernails on one hand painted hot pink and the fingernails on the other one painted purple and wondering how I got so lucky to be the auntie to such a great family.

But... I wanted a great family too.
Guess my luck ran out.
Maybe I really will spontaneously combust tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Releasing Crap

I guess it was an ok ok as they get these days. School was fine except for DRA reading test where each child reads to me individually. The scores are so low, so low. I think it's been about 6 weeks since I've taught small group reading between vacation, snow days, other junk going on at school and the obvious. Not fair to the kids. I just hope it's not too late for me to dig in and make up for lost time. And I hope I'm able to do it.

I went to my dentist, who is friends with me on FB because we went to high school together, not because we're actually friends. The same dentist I dreamt about here. It seems every single thing I do is tied to some pregnancy memory. He didn't mention anything about my loss although I did post something about it on FB. But he DID shove pictures of his four children in my face, including the twins and the recent adopted baby. I'm thinking they had infertility trouble. Who knows? I'm thinking of changing dentists.

On the topic of being honest:
Writing here is not me being honest or gracious. It has become something I just HAVE to do. There is something to be said for releasing crap into the "universe". And writing here is my life line to sanity or the attempt at sanity. YOU are my life line to sanity. I reread your comments over and over sometimes. Some of your comments are so beautiful and deep. So loving. Sometimes it's just the common sense I need at that moment. Sometimes it's just what I need to hear while I'm emotionally writhing and in such pain. The things you write to me DO make a dent in the guilt, and obsessive self doubt. At times, I wonder if there will ever be another happy thing on this blog. I know what I've written since it happened has been so harsh and ugly. Hard to write so I'm sure hard to read too. Thank you for staying with me during this crapfest and I apologize for not being able to comment on most of your blogs.

More released crap:
You may be wondering how my Clara Dog is doing. Very well. Still limping but she's getting more and more difficult to keep "quiet". Much improvement on that first week, when she was in such distress that I wondered if I made the right decision or should have followed Dad's advice to put her down. I take a couple of her staples out everyday with a surgical staple remover Dad had with his vet equipment and the incision looks good. I hope the inside is healing just as well. AND she finally pooped (released crap) on Sunday. If you're keeping track that's 12 days after surgery! I'm estimating that about 10 pounds of crap came out of my 60 pound dog. The vet had said she might not poop for 3-5 days but my Clara B is definitely an overachiever on holding crap in. I can't imagine how uncomfortable she was. 2 weeks of "recovery" down and 2 to go. Then rehabilitation starts.

Too honest?

Monday, January 3, 2011

Fractured Thoughts

First day back to school after vacation. Brutal. I wasn't 30 minutes in the door before someone else announced their pregnancy. I spent lunch crying in my classroom. All the people wishing me happy new year and asking how my break was. Acting surprised when I just say that I survived it. They've already forgotten.

I visited the grave site on the way home. It's the first time I've been there since the Yas took me the day after the funeral. The fresh turned ground over his grave was sunken into the hole. It didn't really look like that much dirt was covering him. I had the thought that I should dig him up and take him home so he could be where he belongs. With me.

I glad he's buried with my grandparents but I really regret having him buried there now. It's so difficult to get there on that steep hill. I nearly fell on the way down there. I know the logistics will keep me from going there as often as I want to or need to. And I'm having trouble with the drive to and from work. My usual route takes me right past the cemetery. So if I take my usual route, I want to stop and visit or get upset if I drive past, if I take an alternate route, I can only think about why I'm going a different way. Plus, I'm not sure where I'll be buried and I should be with Greyson after I die. I wish I'd been capable of thinking about these things when I had to make this choice.

Now the drywall finishing guy is here and will be until 9 or 10. So I can't really go to bed and cry.



Aunt L, who is a nurse, came by last night and read through all the autopsy and pathology reports with me and listened while I talked on and on about the doctor, the support group leader and what happened. She was very loving about it and I know she told me the truth. She said that the 6cm clot formed after the placenta tore away. It was my body's way of trying to heal from the tearing. The clot was not on the ultrasound because it formed after the abruption.

I did not tell her the secret I've been keeping. I know what caused the abruption and my baby to die. It is something I did. I wish I hadn't done it.

She was mad that the busybody support group leader said all that about Dr. H. She works in a pediatrician's office and said they get alot of Dr. H's babies and she's never heard a complaint about him and that she's never heard of a doctor spending an hour with a patient like that. My mind is my worst enemy. After she left, I thought, of course they haven't heard a complaint at the pediatrician's office, those people have living children.

Mom told me that she and Aunt L talked today and spoke of how well I'm doing and how much I've accomplished since the stillbirth. I don't know. Sometimes I do think I'm functioning ok and getting over it awfully quickly. Shouldn't I still be crying heart wrenching sobs like I did for most of the first week? My baby boy is dead! How can I get over that or even act like I am? Sometimes I start to cry and then stop myself, thinking oh well, it's in the past, nothing I can do can change it now. Sometimes when I cry I realize it's not about the baby but about me and feeling sorry for myself and wondering what's going to become of me. Sometimes I have a thought about trying again, and I think, your baby is barely cold in the ground, stop thinking about that.

I've experienced this before on a much less traumatic scale. Getting over bad breakups, thinking I'm over them fairly quickly and then later it hits me full force and as a result it actually takes me much longer to move on. It's like I fool myself into believing I'm ok and everything is fine.

I'm not really fine.
I'm not really strong.

On the topic of strength:
I'm NOT strong, or brave, or courageous. People have their opinion, of course, but I sort of wish they'd stop saying that. My body wasn't strong enough to keep my baby safe and I'm still not sure my soul can survive life without him. Strong people don't have crazy thoughts about digging up their dead babies or obsess the way I do about what happened. The only reason I'm still physically alive is because I'm half dead on the inside not because of any type of bravery.

Really I getting over it too quickly or not strong enough to survive. I wish I could turn my brain off.

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Tired, so tired. I wanted so badly to stay in bed today. But Dad and E were over here most of the day putting drywall up where the wall and soffit were in the kitchen. I can't very well just lounge around while they are here working so hard. The finishing guy (C's brother in law, or would be if her sister ever stops having babies and marries this guy) is coming over tonight and I still won't be able to just... be.

I'm debating on dropping the grad class I'm supposed to take this semester. It's taught by
the same teacher who made me write a final a week after my baby died. Also, there is a woman who I know will be in the class who is due 3 days before I was due. I'm not sure I can look at the two of them all semester long. It just sounds like undue pain to me. And who really cares about classes when all I can think about is what happened to my baby and keeping my sanity. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that if I don't continue with classes, I won't ever go back.

Back to school tomorrow. I know I'll survive it but I really don't want to go. It all seems so soul suckingly exhausting.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Shrunken Boobs

The first thing I did in this new year was notice that my boobs have shrunk. I didn't think they had grown much while I was pregnant but now it's clear that they did. I really miss my pregnant body. I couldn't wait to get that really pregnant baby belly and was worried I wouldn't since I'm so fat to begin with. What a stupid worry to have.

I spent most of the day in bed but did rouse myself to go to my parents for the annual New Year's clam chowder. Not sure how we Midwesterners started this particular tradition but mom makes it every year. Fun joking with E about our weird cousin who had talked to me really inappropriately about his girlfriend the day before. I think the dude got aroused while we were talking...eww. And sweet Dollface took me to help her gather the eggs and then made it her job to wash them all and put them away. I couldn't help but recall my childhood when that was my daily chore.

On the topic of enjoying life:
I do not. But if I ever do enjoy life again, I don't think I will feel guilty. Enjoying things and experiences could never take Greyson further from me or make me forget him. But who knows, the darndest emotions come out of me at the darndest times and I can't predict or control them. The few things I have enjoyed, I felt good about, like I was healing. I'm sure that makes me a weirdo but I know Greyson would not want me to wallow or feel badly about laughing or enjoying life. I try to think about what I would want, if I were him. If I died, I would not want my mother to feel badly about learning to feel good again.

On the topic of trying again:
I have either 4 or 6 frozen embryos and I probably will try to get pregnant again. It's just such a big idea and so far away and seems so terrifying. I can barely think about it. My soul is too shattered and I can't imagine gathering enough of the pieces together for another try. I don't have a vision of what trying again would look or feel like. I'm not brave enough. I barely lived through losing Greyson and I'm pretty sure I could never survive another loss like this one.

Also, there is a prevailing feeling that this was my one good chance at becoming a mother and it got wrecked, just like every other chance I've had at true happiness. My instincts tell me that if I try again, it won't take or it will be an early loss. Not sure why I feel this way, but that's why they call it an instinct, I guess. I'm pretty sure I'll have to face the biggest fear of my life by the end of 2011. Never becoming a mother.

Maybe my instincts are crap though. At one point during my two week wait, I was really really sure I was not pregnant. And after the anatomy scan ultrasound, I was really sure I would have a healthy baby. Who the hell knows....