Thursday, January 20, 2011


I almost let yesterday's date slip by without remembering that one year ago Dr. AA told me my eggs were nearly nonexistent and rotten. How naive I was back then to think of Dominished Ovarian Reserve as the worst possible thing that could happen. I now laugh bitterly at my innocent self of days gone by. HA HA

Everytime I tried to change my fate, the attempt got wrecked.
And life got worse.

Everytime I dragged myself from the bottom of hopelessness and gave myself a new chance,
I got slammed down harder and lower than I thought I could ever go.

How much lower is there?
Surely now I've hit bottom.

What if a year from now I'm laughing bitterly at the self I am now?
Because I dragged myself up one last time
and yet again was slammed into the ground.

I won't survive another slam.


  1. I'm so sorry sweetie. I don't have any words, just know that I'm thinking about you.

  2. I can't believe it's just been a year since you got that news. It seems like such a long time ago. Maybe that's because so much has happened.
    Hopefully there are no future slams for you. I think you've had more than your share and if anyone deserves some happiness it's you.
    Please hang in there.

  3. I'm sorry. I hope that you do not have to endure any more slams and are allowed to be lifted by all of our love, support, thoughts, prayers and words. And stay up, that's my hope for you this year.

  4. Dear Paige,
    Its seems as though you have lost hope that your luck may change. Life has certainly not been fair to you. I am praying that things really start to get better, right away.

  5. You've had more than your fair share of sadness. You deserve double that portion of joy. I hope that by this time next year you are laughing, but not for the reason you stated. I hope it is because your luck has changed and dreams are being fulfilled. I hope that you're laughing because you are truely happy.
    Until then, cry as much as you need to, punch and many pillows as necesary, and hang on for dear life.
    Also know that we'll be here for you and love you come what may.

  6. You know when they say "life gives you only what you can handle", I often think that's crap. Just because you technically can handle it, doesn't mean you should have to. You've handled more than anyone should ever have to.

    You deserve some good stuff and it WILL come your way. It can't be rainy and gray forever.

  7. I'm joining the others in praying for happier days ahead. You are always in my thoughts.

  8. I wish I had answers for you, I really wish I did...I'll join the others with thoughts & prayers for you.

  9. Paige, I know it's an awful place to be when you're certain you must have already reached rock bottom and then something else happens, even more terrible and you think, OMG there was actually something worse! Then you always start imagining that it could be EVEN worse than that. Your brain can get crazy and take you to even more dismal places.

    I honestly think what happened was a tragic, awful, sadistic fluke.

    A woman in my office went in at 23 weeks to learn that all of the fluid was gone and her baby hadn't grown for weeks. They had to deliver her and, of course, the baby didn't survive (was gone prior to delivery). She is now pregnant and due in April. When I get back to work, she'll be going out on leave. There was no reason found for what happened to her and she is so terrified that something will go wrong again, yet it hasn't. But it's totally understandable.

    Unfortunately, you will always worry more now. But I believe you will not have another tragedy. Hugs to you.