Monday, January 3, 2011

Fractured Thoughts

First day back to school after vacation. Brutal. I wasn't 30 minutes in the door before someone else announced their pregnancy. I spent lunch crying in my classroom. All the people wishing me happy new year and asking how my break was. Acting surprised when I just say that I survived it. They've already forgotten.

I visited the grave site on the way home. It's the first time I've been there since the Yas took me the day after the funeral. The fresh turned ground over his grave was sunken into the hole. It didn't really look like that much dirt was covering him. I had the thought that I should dig him up and take him home so he could be where he belongs. With me.

I glad he's buried with my grandparents but I really regret having him buried there now. It's so difficult to get there on that steep hill. I nearly fell on the way down there. I know the logistics will keep me from going there as often as I want to or need to. And I'm having trouble with the drive to and from work. My usual route takes me right past the cemetery. So if I take my usual route, I want to stop and visit or get upset if I drive past, if I take an alternate route, I can only think about why I'm going a different way. Plus, I'm not sure where I'll be buried and I should be with Greyson after I die. I wish I'd been capable of thinking about these things when I had to make this choice.

Now the drywall finishing guy is here and will be until 9 or 10. So I can't really go to bed and cry.



Aunt L, who is a nurse, came by last night and read through all the autopsy and pathology reports with me and listened while I talked on and on about the doctor, the support group leader and what happened. She was very loving about it and I know she told me the truth. She said that the 6cm clot formed after the placenta tore away. It was my body's way of trying to heal from the tearing. The clot was not on the ultrasound because it formed after the abruption.

I did not tell her the secret I've been keeping. I know what caused the abruption and my baby to die. It is something I did. I wish I hadn't done it.

She was mad that the busybody support group leader said all that about Dr. H. She works in a pediatrician's office and said they get alot of Dr. H's babies and she's never heard a complaint about him and that she's never heard of a doctor spending an hour with a patient like that. My mind is my worst enemy. After she left, I thought, of course they haven't heard a complaint at the pediatrician's office, those people have living children.

Mom told me that she and Aunt L talked today and spoke of how well I'm doing and how much I've accomplished since the stillbirth. I don't know. Sometimes I do think I'm functioning ok and getting over it awfully quickly. Shouldn't I still be crying heart wrenching sobs like I did for most of the first week? My baby boy is dead! How can I get over that or even act like I am? Sometimes I start to cry and then stop myself, thinking oh well, it's in the past, nothing I can do can change it now. Sometimes when I cry I realize it's not about the baby but about me and feeling sorry for myself and wondering what's going to become of me. Sometimes I have a thought about trying again, and I think, your baby is barely cold in the ground, stop thinking about that.

I've experienced this before on a much less traumatic scale. Getting over bad breakups, thinking I'm over them fairly quickly and then later it hits me full force and as a result it actually takes me much longer to move on. It's like I fool myself into believing I'm ok and everything is fine.

I'm not really fine.
I'm not really strong.

On the topic of strength:
I'm NOT strong, or brave, or courageous. People have their opinion, of course, but I sort of wish they'd stop saying that. My body wasn't strong enough to keep my baby safe and I'm still not sure my soul can survive life without him. Strong people don't have crazy thoughts about digging up their dead babies or obsess the way I do about what happened. The only reason I'm still physically alive is because I'm half dead on the inside not because of any type of bravery.

Really I getting over it too quickly or not strong enough to survive. I wish I could turn my brain off.


  1. It is unacceptable for you to say you are responsible for Greyson's death.

    I won't agree. I lovingly tell you you are wrong.

    You may say it to vent, but I will stand by your side and repeat over and over and over again that you are wrong.

    You did not cause this and I cannot read this without offering a correction.

    Do not censor your words, but you are wrong on this one.

    You did not do anything to cause this. Just as you could do nothing to prevent it, you can do nothing to cause it either.

    I remember the same thoughts. It took me a long time before I believed it wasn't my fault.

    I had people sitting on the other side patiently and lovingly telling me the same thing. Let me be that person for you.

    I love you. You are wrong. You did not cause this.

  2. I wish I could turn your brain off for a bit too- just to give you some relief.
    I don't know if you've researched grief yet, but I think the going back and forth between "It's too soon to (fill in the blank)- I should grieve more" and wanting to take part in life goes on for a long while. In my opinion, there's no right or wrong either way. You've just gotta take it moment by moment and see how you feel right then.
    I don't remember the surroundings where Greyson is buried, but if it is important for you to be near him when you die, you could possibly pre-buy a spot near him if there is still room.
    I wish the people at work would have acted better. I hope your day tomorrow is better.

  3. Dear Paige,

    You don't know me, and I don't know you, but I do know for certain that you did not cause your Greyson to die.

    For what it's worth, I firmly believe that when a child comes to this world for only a very short time, it is because they have, in some other realm, chosen this journey as a path of learning.

    In other words, Greyson chose to come into your life, knowing he would have to leave you far far too soon, and that you both would love each other in ways no-one but yourselves can know.

    Greyson is still alive, it's just he cannot be here with you in this realm. He loves you and wants nothing but the best for you.

    These are my beliefs - I hope that you don't mind me sharing them with you.

    By the way, I think you are a remarkable and wonderful person, and reading your story makes me reevaluate my life. Thank you so much.

  4. Paige, sweetie, I do not believe that you caused Greyson's death in any way. I know that you do not feel the strength, but we can see it. I agree with Melissa that grief goes back and forth- sometimes you'll feel like you're getting better and then other times it will all roll over you again. I love you, kiddo, and I hate that your going through this. But I am constantly in awe of the grace that you show your family even in the midst of your pain.

  5. Paige, you absolutely did not cause this. Oh, hon, I wish I had some words that could ease your pain even just a little bit. I think of you so often.

  6. Paige, I know that you are going through something that I can't even begin to understand, but as I read along on your journey I am constantly inspired by the way you remain honest about what you are thinking and feeling. I am praying for you in these moments when I'm sure its hard for you to even muster a few words to a God that seems so far away. Hugs.

  7. Paige, you should feel no guilt. As sombebody who has lost 2 babies herself, I went through guilt for the first time, and with the second, I realized that feeling horrible is not a requisite. Its not my fault my babies died, I did everything in my power to keep them safe as did you. At the end of the day, I also was very aware of this: My babies felt no pain, that part is all mine. Its always the survivors that suffer. I wish I knew where my babies are now, and I never will. I will never know if they stayed in heaven or their souls entered other bodies and they are waiting to come into the world as we speak, these are things beyond our scope. But the one thing I know for sure, they are not suffering. WE are, and if it stops don't feel be bad about it.

    I am also terribly aware of the thing that what is a huge gaping wound for you is practically nothing to other people IRL...what can you do? The lack of empathy is what it is- the only people who can feel something are the ones in this process.

  8. Dear Paige,

    To echo what others have already said, there is no way that you caused Greyson's death. I felt the same for a very long time after my miscarriage, but as time has passed I have come to some peace with this cruel random event. Losing Greyson at 20 weeks is much more painful than what I experienced, but I hope that you can reach a little bit of internal peace sometime soon.

    You really shouldn't feel bad about the times you can smile and laugh. Greyson would never have wanted you to give up on your life or his siblings - you need to live your life as fully as possible as a way to honor his love for you.

    love, inB

  9. You did not cause this. It's not your fault. Someday I hope it will be easier to believe that. My heart goes out to you. Hugs and more hugs to you.

  10. You did NOT cause Greyson's death.

    You did NOT.

    His death was an accident, just as it was an accident when other babies died from the same problem. Or the babies who die from cord accidents, it wasn't their mothers' fault!

    Nature is cruel and things happen that we will never understand. I have lost 4 pregnancies, I know what caused the last one (retroplacental haematoma - nobody knows what causes it) but the first 3 will always be a mystery. For a while I blamed myself but now I blame the stressful lifestyle and the environment of where I was living.

    It's so easy to blame ourselves Paige because we were the ones carrying our babies but it's just not true. You took care of yourself in every way you knew how, and Greyson experienced your unique LOVE.

  11. I know everyone else has said it but I need to repeat it: You. Did. NOT. Cause. Greyson's. Death.

    Of course you're going to blame yourself but the facts are: You did NOT cause this.

  12. Paige,

    There is nothing you could have done to cause Greysons death. When it's your time, it's your time and as hard as it is to understand why it would be Greyson's time at only 20 gestational weeks, placing blame on yourself, giving it a reason might make you feel better in some sort of way, because having a reason is better than having a fluke or no reason, right?! That's how much of a loving caring mother you are, that you are willing to carry around that blame and guilt just so there's a reason, even if it's a sucky terrible one.

    There is a reason, you and I can't see that or know what it is. It doesn't make sense, but there's a reason, hopefully one day you and I and all the other parents who have lost children can come to terms with that. Perhaps when you celebrate eternal life with Greyson, it will somehow make this a distant memory, not one you forget, but one you can better understand. These are just my beliefs and I so I hope I am not being offensive by sharing them, but rather offfering another perspective because I know when your "in the middle" of grieving it's hard to see past your four walls.

    And you're not crazy for wanting to bring Greyson home from the grave. I would want that too. None of the decisions you made are permanent, you can have him moved, if you decide to so you and he can be close together again.

    I understand not wanting to be told your strong and brave and courageous, knwoing your crumbling inside. I think people just want you to know how they perceive you, even if you don't perceive yourself that way....but being told you are those things, make you feel like you have to fufill some sort of expectations or own up to those labels. Don't worry, you don't have to - nobody expects anything from you. We just hope that your heart heals and you feel better with time, and I understand the guilt that surrounds that. it's really a double edged sword. You can't win, or so it seems. xoxoxoxoxo

  13. Your statement that you knew what you had done to cause your abruption and caused Greyson's death has been really bothering me. So I called my BFF, who also happens to be one of the best OB/Gyns I know. And I asked her - I gave her your basic medical history, and here's what she said the big risk factors were for abruption: heaving cigarette smoking, chronic uncontrolled high blood pressure and cocaine use. Trauma is another big one, but is usually more of an issue (believe it or not) in the 3rd trimester. She described trauma as a bad car accident, riding a rough roller coaster, or jumping out of a plane - that sort of thing.

    So unless you took up skydiving, spent the whole day at the amusement park on the roller coasters and decided to start smoking crack, I really can't imagine there's anything you could have done to cause this.

    LB stressed this over and over again - there is nothing you did to cause this, and nothing that you could have done to prevent it.

    I hope you believe her.