I stayed home from work today and do feel a little better. In the late afternoon, I got a call from the tile lady saying she had some samples in for me to look at and because I'd been cooped up all day and was actually sore from laying around so much I took myself to look at them. As I left the tile place, I was relieved because I'd pulled off making the tile lady think I was normal. I'd interacted with her face to face for a considerable amount of time without crying or choking up. I was able to focus on the decisions before me.
I'd hidden the fact that I'm a grieving mother who has lost her only child only six weeks ago.
Tile lady will never know that I was the mother to a very special boy albeit entirely too briefly.
She will never know Greyson P existed on earth.
Nor will others that I may interact with over the course of my life.
Greyson was the most important thing I've ever done.
The most important person in my life.
It makes my heart ache to know that others will not know him
or know of him.
I have to figure out a way to honor Greyson so I can begin to let him go.
I understand this.
But I can't think of a way right now and I'm not able to let go.
wishing he were still here,
the undeniable hollow where he should be.
These are the last experiences I'll have with my little one and I can't leave them yet.
It's only been six weeks.
Not long enough to say good bye to the most important person in my life.
I'm not ready.
I love you, Greyson P.
You wrote upon my heart and made it expand exponentially.
Momma won't ever forget you were here.