Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Most Important Person

I stayed home from work today and do feel a little better. In the late afternoon, I got a call from the tile lady saying she had some samples in for me to look at and because I'd been cooped up all day and was actually sore from laying around so much I took myself to look at them. As I left the tile place, I was relieved because I'd pulled off making the tile lady think I was normal. I'd interacted with her face to face for a considerable amount of time without crying or choking up. I was able to focus on the decisions before me.

I'd hidden the fact that I'm a grieving mother who has lost her only child only six weeks ago.

Tile lady will never know that I was the mother to a very special boy albeit entirely too briefly.
She will never know Greyson P existed on earth.

Nor will others that I may interact with over the course of my life.

Greyson was the most important thing I've ever done.
The most important person in my life.
It makes my heart ache to know that others will not know him
or know of him.

I have to figure out a way to honor Greyson so I can begin to let him go.
I understand this.
But I can't think of a way right now and I'm not able to let go.
Missing him,
wishing he were still here,
the undeniable hollow where he should be.
These are the last experiences I'll have with my little one and I can't leave them yet.
It's only been six weeks.
Not long enough to say good bye to the most important person in my life.
I'm not ready.

I love you, Greyson P.
You wrote upon my heart and made it expand exponentially.
Momma won't ever forget you were here.


  1. Just an idea for you to ponder...is there a way you can incorporate a memorial for Greyson in your kitchen remodel? Maybe a tile with his name & birthdate? Something subtle even that only you would know of...

  2. You said it yourself- it's only been 6 weeks. Give yourself more time. You've been through something horribly painful and I don't think there's anybody that expects you to say goodbye just yet.
    Tile lady and other random people will never know about Greyson. But...your friends and family do, and those are the people that count in life- not strangers.
    I'm glad you stayed home today and got some rest and I hope you're feeling better.

  3. I was thinking of what Melissa wrote and that Greyson will always remain important to those who are important to the both of you!
    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping your cold gets over quickly!!!

  4. Paige, this is a beautiful idea! I would suggest thinking about what you love and how that connects to your son. And then wait for inspiration to come.

  5. Paige, first, I agree with Melissa. It has only been six weeks and anyone who expects you to be completely fine is bonkers. Melissa is also right in that people who know and love you will know about Greyson and the impact he has had on your life. Finding a way to honor Greyson is a lovely thing though and could be very healing for you. Feel better, sweetie!

  6. Paige,
    I wanted to share this link with you. I bought one for a friend who lost her 30 week old son last year and it was an incredible book with so many ways to personalize and memorialize.


    Continuing to keep you in my thoughts.

  7. Dear Paige,
    You are doing so great - Even at the best of times I can never make up my mind about decisions for home improvements! I do hope you won't be going back to work until you are really feeling over your cold / flu. Surely Greyson will always be a huge part of your life. Do you have to say goodbye to him? - perhaps you can just let him sleep for a while?
    Hugs to you

  8. Three things made me happy about this post.
    1. You were able to focus and make decisions. That can hard for any of us on any given day. Harder when we've been ill. But with the added mental and emotional strain of your loss, focusing like that today is an acomplishment.
    2. You are acknowledging your own motherhood. When you were first greiving for Greyson, you would say things like "the real mommies..." etc. It would break my heart. Seeing you refer to youself as "Momma" and the "mother to a very special boy", made me smile. By honoring your own motherhood, you honor Greyson as your son.
    3. You are looking for a special way to honor him. It is a great idea. When the time is right, the way to do it will come to you. It will be beautiful and meaningful. In the mean time, continue honoring him like you have been- saying his name, wearing momentos, sharing your thoughts and memories about Greyson with us, doing the thousands of things you do with him in mind, and most of all sending him a mother's love.

    Sorry so long. Love you!

  9. Grief doesn't come with a prescribed period of time but I wish it did so that I didn't have to feel so much pain for all of my angels.

    I think the first year is going to be your toughest, and it probably seems like an impossible burden right now because you are still feeling so raw.

    So just try to take it an hour at a time, a day at a time.

  10. All of your blog sisters will always remember Greyson too -- the two of you are seared into my mind and I think of you numerous times every day.

    Rebecca, who lost her Lily at about 20 weeks had a beautiful tattoo put on her foot. I think that is lovely, and another idea for you. I really like the idea of adding something into the kitchen remodel too, as the new kitchen is, in many ways, Greyson's kitchen.

  11. You're very creative (you express your feelings so very well) that perhaps thinking of how, where and what you could create to remember and honor Greyson by could be part of your grieving process?

  12. Dear Paige,
    I've been thinking lots about you lately and one thing that is really bugging me is your professor for your grad class. I was talking with my husband (we are both professors at a public university) and we both think her actions after you lost Greyson, and now calling you, these are atrocious. Can I ask what kind of university it is? I ask because in higher education circles there is growing concern over how for-profit universities treat and serve their students. Either way, I think you ought to consider sharing your story. If you are at a non-profit school, write a letter to the dean of the graduate school. If you are at a for-profit (like the University of Phoenix), then contact someone either in the media or in the US Senate. Here's a link to an article from Inside Higher Ed (http://www.insidehighered.com/news/2010/06/25/hearing) that will give you some ideas of who to write (maybe your US senator) and give you some context. If you have any trouble with the link let me know and I'll send you a PDF. My email is lesleajane at gmail.
    You should be treated much, much better. I teach a big 300 student lecture course and every year I have a handful of students who have some personal difficulty that conflicts with their ability to finish the class (an illness, loss in the family, PTSD for a vet, severe depression, injury, etc). I always let them take an incomplete and finish when they are back and ready to think about the course material. The whole point is to learn something, not to just get through the class. I am so sorry that your grad school has not been supportive. I find this outrageous, and apologize for them, whoever the hell they are.
    love, inB

  13. Paige you brought me to tears with this one. I remember the first time I didnt tell someone about Mannie. I felt like I was disloyal.

    You are not alone dear, dear Paige.