Monday, January 17, 2011

Still No Answers

The day started out ok even though the flu was kicking my butt. I had breakfast at Bread Co with my former coworker, MS. She gave me a beautiful snow globe with Greyson's name engraved on it.

Throughout the course of the day I spiraled down, down, down. Emotionally and physically. Emotionally, I'm very close to wishing I wasn't even on this earth right now. Physically, I'm miserable.

Second follow up with Dr. H today but it's not even worth recounting my questions or his answers. It's all still the same. We don't know what causes this or if it could happen again. Again, he said something about it being fortunate that this doesn't happen very often and again I said it wasn't fortunate for me. I really tried to push him to give me real answers. I cried multiple times and was terse with him. It was a bad scene.

I think he could sense how much I was searching and dissatisfied with his answers, he encouraged me to take my information back to Dr. AA or to a high risk OB and ask them all my questions. I tried to get a definitive answer out of him about trying again. He said I had to decide if emotionally I could handle another loss but that physically he was comfortable recommending trying again.

And he did give me something for this flu. Speaking of which...I have to throw up now.


  1. I am so sorry Paige! That sucks that Dr. H. keeps bringing up luck and fortune and being on the right side of the odds. That makes me furious on your behalf. It's not helpful for a person who has been a victim of suffering to hear that suffering is quite rare. I'm glad you spoke up because Dr. H. needs to reform his ways.

    I really hope that you can hear some answers, rather than "what happened to you is rare" or a dismissive "no idea." I do think it was positive to hear Dr. H say you could possibly try again. There's an Alice Walker book I once read with a title that's stayed with me: The Way Forward Is with a Broken Heart.

    I'm so sorry that you're sick and I can only imagine how miserable you are. I was moved to read about the beautiful snow globe from MS. I love snow globes and the fact it has Greyson's name on it is a loving tribute.

  2. After my first loss, the thought of having to go through something like that again was unthinkable, frankly. Then when it happened again, at the same time, it was actually easier to withstand than the first time around; it was almost like the first time had built scar tissue that protected me.

    My RE in India told me that if we did this again, I HAD to be ok with the remote possibility that it might happen a 3rd time. I looked at him and nodded. I am truly braced for it; my practical preparations (time of return to my family) are all going to be done assuming that the worst will unfold, yet again. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst....

    NOBODY should have to be this tough, but here we are, in this position, with it being demanded of us.

    I can completely understand your fear. I looked trying to find any cause of PROM, and I could not. Its truly one of the great unknowns, but statistically speaking, the odds are in completely in your favor. I'm sure it gives you no comfort to hear that, but there it is.

    Are there PROM support groups? Women who have gone through this once to have had a subsequent safe pregnancy? Maybe listening to such examples can help, because the doctors of course can give no guarantees of anything.

    It sucks when you are being beaten physically as well as mentally....I hope you recover from the flu quickly.
    just as a distraction...I would recommend getting 'feedjit' for your blog... even better than the Stats button :-)

  3. I'm so sorry that you're sick and you didn't get any answers yet again.
    Please take care and give me a call if you need something.

  4. Paige, sweetie, I am so sorry that you're feeling awful. Physical discomfort can make it even harder to handle the emotional pain. I'm sorry that Dr. H was pretty worthless today. You might want to take your questions a step up like he suggested. I'm thinking of you and wrapping you in mental hugs.

  5. Hi Paige,

    First of all let me say how sorry I am to hear what has happened. It has been a while since I visited your blog. I'm so very sorry.

    I noticed that you asked us lurkers to delurk ... so here I am.

    Wishing you get over the flu quickly.

  6. I agree with Nell, your emotional pain is probably being exacerbated by the physical illness, if you can find some comfort in that. Sometimes it helps me to have a rational conversation with my emotional self where I realize that I may be having a hard time dealing with something emotionally because of things like feeling sick, or that depression runs in my family (which it does, so I'm predisposed to it).

    I think the hardest things to ever accept emotionally are the bad things that happen randomly. Losing Greyson is definitely one of those horrible random things and it absolutely sucks that you will never have a reason for why it happened or a guarantee that it won't happen again. It is harder for people who haven't been through random horrible shit to understand why it is so impossible to find peace or solace in randomness. It is really awful to realize not only that random horrible things happen, but that they can and do happen to you. That is such a hard blow to recover from.

    But Paige, there will come a day when you will have evidence to convince you that wonderful things do happen, and that they will happen to you again.

    I hope you feel better soon -- sounds like a really nasty bug. Be good to yourself.

    Love you, inB

  7. I dont like that talk Paige.

    Here is my tough love. You cannot say something like not wanting to be on this earth and think it isnt going to register.

    Every single day I woke up after she died, I would roll over and think FUCK. Why didnt I die in my sleep?

    You need a therapist. Someone who can determine if medication is a path for you. I honestly believe it saved my life. I still struggle with depression. I still take my meds, but I was off for 4+ years. Once you start, it isnt forever. And if it was - who cares? You are most important.

  8. So sorry to hear that flu is kicking your butt - so unwelcome on top of the bigger pain you're trying to deal with.

    I'm also so sorry you didn't get any answers from the doc. For us there was no answer. It was just 'bad luck' (understatement of the year). I know your doctor was trying to reassure you with his talk of fortune - that it was unlikely to happen again if you decide to try again, but still it hurts to think of those fortunates who never suffer like this.

    Hang in there Paige. It's so fresh right now that it's impossible to see past, but there are ladies out there who have been where we are and have made it through. We can be one of those ladies too, with time and a whole lot of effort. Go easy on yourself.

  9. Sorry you still don't have the answers your looking for. I hope the flu stuff goes away soon.

  10. I'm still here too. You know, feeling like shit physically isn't going to make feeling better emotionally possible right now. Take care of yourself and get over this flu - sleep, drink fluids, eat soup, watch cheerful movies in bed, talk with friends, sleep some more, whatever. I think of you daily and am sending out all my positive energy and love to you. Be easy on yourself.

  11. Sorry no one has any definitive answers for you hon. It sucks but honestly I don't think anyone knows, about so many of the WHYS in IF or miscarriage. I think it is an excellent sign of hope that you are at least asking about trying again. My limited knowledge does confirm that what you went through is unusual and and you don't have an elevated risk by trying again - but I'm no expert! Of course I'm the queen of trying again. Best of luck as always, hang in there.

  12. Hope you're able to kick flu's butt soon...take care.

  13. Paige, I know that our stories aren't the same, but there are similarities. I lost my son at 16 weeks, and I was refused testing and told to come back when I was married.
    I went into severe depression and started having paralyzing panic attacks. I wasn't getting better, I was getting worse. It was after a couple of months that I had to face this fact. Medication saved my life, and helped me build up my coping skills and face the fact that I didn't have answers, and helped me clear my head enough to sort through my options for trying again. It took me over 2 years before I could make that leap to try again.
    I read your posts both as a licensed therapist/emergency mental health services provider and a mom who has lost a baby born too soon. As a mom, my heart aches for you and wishes this hadn't happened. As a therapist, I see red flags for depression and potential for self-harm if its not addressed and treated. Please don't wait for things to get better on their own. I'm not trying to rush your grief, because I know that this pain will always be with you. But it may be that grief is becoming the predominant feature in your life, and keeping you from even looking for happiness again.
    I don't want your posts to suddenly stop because you're no longer with us.