Showing posts with label doctors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doctors. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Maternal Fetal Appointment
Big appointment today with a Maternal Fetal Specialist.
The important stuff first. This doctor is good looking too. I swear I'm meant to marry a doctor, I find them all so attractive.
He and his staff were perfectly lovely. The nurse asked me if I was ok to talk about what happened and the Doctor spent a few moments asking about my emotional well-being. These may seem like small things but it made the whole appointment much more sympathetic and easier to get through.
I got answers to two things that have really been nagging at me all this time.
He said that he thinks the membrane ruptured prematurely first causing the abruption because there was no discharge before the huge gushes of fluid and because it took me awhile after being induced to deliver. The other two weren't able to tell me this and would only say they didn't know which happened first.
He really seemed to listen carefully while I told about what happened and asked a lot of questions about the details. I told him that when I got to the hospital, nothing was done. I was told I could only lay there and hope the rupture would heal itself. Even though I told the nurses I was cramping every 5-10 minutes, they did nothing at all. This doctor said that was entirely appropriate protocol and was exactly what should have been done.
I feel an incredible sense of relief knowing these two things and a little of my trust for Dr. H. has been restored.
He believes there may be some cervical issues. I can't tell you exactly what he said but I guess the sac could have sort of sagged down through the weakened cervix (hence the pressure I felt an hour prior to the gush of fluids) The area it sagged into below the cervix is acidic and harmful to the membrane causing it to weaken and break.
So going forward, if I'm very lucky and get pregnant, he will be monitoring us closely, checking me every week or every other week with an internal ultrasound for changes in the cervix and if necessary treat the problem with a cerclage or medication or bedrest.
Toward the end of the appointment he asked me to hop up onto the exam table and he listened to my heart. I can't figure out why. I have no heart problems and you can't check a cervix through a stethoscope. I wonder if it's because patients feel more confident in a doctor who does at least some sort of physical exam. I'm also wondering why he didn't do a pelvic exam.
He also told me I would need to go off of antidepressants 30-60 days before an embryo transfer not for physical reasons but to make sure I could emotionally handle being off of them. If I can't handle it, he'll put me on something different that I can stay on.
I also had an appointment with RK, THE counselor. I told her about going off of the antidepressants and she said under no circumstances am I to go off cold turkey. I'm to be under doctor's orders and her watchful eye.
It's all a bit intimidating going forward and of course terrifying, but I am hopeful and it feels good to have that emotion again.
While I was running around to appointments and lunch, my dad and bro were here tiling. Slow work and I feel guilty I wasn't here to assist. But maybe better to be out of the way?
In between the two appointments, I had lunch at Jilly's Cupcake Bar with some co-workers. Very yum.
The important stuff first. This doctor is good looking too. I swear I'm meant to marry a doctor, I find them all so attractive.
He and his staff were perfectly lovely. The nurse asked me if I was ok to talk about what happened and the Doctor spent a few moments asking about my emotional well-being. These may seem like small things but it made the whole appointment much more sympathetic and easier to get through.
I got answers to two things that have really been nagging at me all this time.
He said that he thinks the membrane ruptured prematurely first causing the abruption because there was no discharge before the huge gushes of fluid and because it took me awhile after being induced to deliver. The other two weren't able to tell me this and would only say they didn't know which happened first.
He really seemed to listen carefully while I told about what happened and asked a lot of questions about the details. I told him that when I got to the hospital, nothing was done. I was told I could only lay there and hope the rupture would heal itself. Even though I told the nurses I was cramping every 5-10 minutes, they did nothing at all. This doctor said that was entirely appropriate protocol and was exactly what should have been done.
I feel an incredible sense of relief knowing these two things and a little of my trust for Dr. H. has been restored.
He believes there may be some cervical issues. I can't tell you exactly what he said but I guess the sac could have sort of sagged down through the weakened cervix (hence the pressure I felt an hour prior to the gush of fluids) The area it sagged into below the cervix is acidic and harmful to the membrane causing it to weaken and break.
So going forward, if I'm very lucky and get pregnant, he will be monitoring us closely, checking me every week or every other week with an internal ultrasound for changes in the cervix and if necessary treat the problem with a cerclage or medication or bedrest.
Toward the end of the appointment he asked me to hop up onto the exam table and he listened to my heart. I can't figure out why. I have no heart problems and you can't check a cervix through a stethoscope. I wonder if it's because patients feel more confident in a doctor who does at least some sort of physical exam. I'm also wondering why he didn't do a pelvic exam.
He also told me I would need to go off of antidepressants 30-60 days before an embryo transfer not for physical reasons but to make sure I could emotionally handle being off of them. If I can't handle it, he'll put me on something different that I can stay on.
I also had an appointment with RK, THE counselor. I told her about going off of the antidepressants and she said under no circumstances am I to go off cold turkey. I'm to be under doctor's orders and her watchful eye.
It's all a bit intimidating going forward and of course terrifying, but I am hopeful and it feels good to have that emotion again.
While I was running around to appointments and lunch, my dad and bro were here tiling. Slow work and I feel guilty I wasn't here to assist. But maybe better to be out of the way?
In between the two appointments, I had lunch at Jilly's Cupcake Bar with some co-workers. Very yum.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Doctor's New Office
If you were wondering what the ultimate irony is, it's receiving my son's gravestone proofsheet in the mail on the same day as my appointment to see the doctor about maybe trying to get pregnant again someday.
I really miss being his mom.
My heart runneth over with raw mixed emotions. And there might even be a bit of hope and looking to the future mixed in there along with the sorrow and the gone-ness of him.
Dr. AA had a lot to say while really having nothing new to say. He has no answers either as to why that sad, bad thing happened to us. He agreed with everything Dr. H said. He prescribed progesterone to help start my period. He says there is "probably" a baby in amongst the 6 frozen embryos, it's just a matter of finding it, either when I try again or the next time I try after that. He said I have about the same chance at getting pregnant as I did the first time and that if an embryo doesn't survive the thaw it's because it was genetically "bad" not because it was frozen. Everything for this new cycle, if I chose to go forward, would be basically the same as Sweet Pea's cycle. He encouraged me to try again as soon as possible. I'm to call the clinic when my period makes an appearance.
I'm not sure I want to or can even bring myself to try again but....
I'd forgotten that I already love them.
My six frozen embryos.
Just like I loved Sweet Pea before he grew inside me.
My doctor just moved offices. Guess what his new street number is:
I actually got an email about the doctor moving offices the day after I got home from the hospital. I had horrible, bitter thoughts when I read that email but I didn't delete it.
Was it Sweet Pea even then, nudging me forward?
I really miss being his mom.
My heart runneth over with raw mixed emotions. And there might even be a bit of hope and looking to the future mixed in there along with the sorrow and the gone-ness of him.
Dr. AA had a lot to say while really having nothing new to say. He has no answers either as to why that sad, bad thing happened to us. He agreed with everything Dr. H said. He prescribed progesterone to help start my period. He says there is "probably" a baby in amongst the 6 frozen embryos, it's just a matter of finding it, either when I try again or the next time I try after that. He said I have about the same chance at getting pregnant as I did the first time and that if an embryo doesn't survive the thaw it's because it was genetically "bad" not because it was frozen. Everything for this new cycle, if I chose to go forward, would be basically the same as Sweet Pea's cycle. He encouraged me to try again as soon as possible. I'm to call the clinic when my period makes an appearance.
I'm not sure I want to or can even bring myself to try again but....
I'd forgotten that I already love them.
My six frozen embryos.
Just like I loved Sweet Pea before he grew inside me.
My doctor just moved offices. Guess what his new street number is:
I actually got an email about the doctor moving offices the day after I got home from the hospital. I had horrible, bitter thoughts when I read that email but I didn't delete it.
Was it Sweet Pea even then, nudging me forward?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Gravestone
Today I had to do something no human being should have to do. I ordered a gravestone for my son, Greyson. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. It felt wrong deep in the cells of my heart, soul and body.
But how do I explain that it ended up being a comical but sad situation. I went to the Funeral Man's home and met with him and his wife. This older couple are local small town people and were good friends of my grandparents. I knew right away something was off. It was obvious they had gussied up for my visit. The wife had heavy clownish old lady make up on and what looked like a wig. When it came time to fill out the forms the Funeral Man had his wife do the writing but she kept making mistakes and having to cross things out. She would get a little flustered but Funeral Man kept gently correcting her and insisting that she keep going with it. I thought maybe she was hard of hearing. There ended up being quite a few cross outs and I won't be surprised if the stone says, "Gary son of Peggy" or something instead of Greyson P. Son of Paige.
Greyson P son of Paige --what heartrending words to have to write on a cold stone.
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
It will NEVER feel right to see those words on a stone above my sweet baby boy.
NEVER
As I was leaving FM stepped outside with me and explained his wife suffered from Alzheimer's and he tried to involve her in this kind of thing to help with the dementia. I could see then the kindness of this gentle man and I knew the words on the stone marking the grave of my son would be correct and if they weren't he would make it right.
Neither Dr. AA, who I emailed about trying again nor Dr. H, who's office I called for a referral to a fetal-maternal specialist, have returned my contacts. I'm trying not to read that as a bad sign or some sort of stupid omen that things won't go smooth or that I shouldn't go forward. Which is just a stupid thought from my stupid overdrive brain. It's just the randomness of the world. Right?
Picture of the Day:
But how do I explain that it ended up being a comical but sad situation. I went to the Funeral Man's home and met with him and his wife. This older couple are local small town people and were good friends of my grandparents. I knew right away something was off. It was obvious they had gussied up for my visit. The wife had heavy clownish old lady make up on and what looked like a wig. When it came time to fill out the forms the Funeral Man had his wife do the writing but she kept making mistakes and having to cross things out. She would get a little flustered but Funeral Man kept gently correcting her and insisting that she keep going with it. I thought maybe she was hard of hearing. There ended up being quite a few cross outs and I won't be surprised if the stone says, "Gary son of Peggy" or something instead of Greyson P. Son of Paige.
Greyson P son of Paige --what heartrending words to have to write on a cold stone.
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
It will NEVER feel right to see those words on a stone above my sweet baby boy.
NEVER
As I was leaving FM stepped outside with me and explained his wife suffered from Alzheimer's and he tried to involve her in this kind of thing to help with the dementia. I could see then the kindness of this gentle man and I knew the words on the stone marking the grave of my son would be correct and if they weren't he would make it right.
Neither Dr. AA, who I emailed about trying again nor Dr. H, who's office I called for a referral to a fetal-maternal specialist, have returned my contacts. I'm trying not to read that as a bad sign or some sort of stupid omen that things won't go smooth or that I shouldn't go forward. Which is just a stupid thought from my stupid overdrive brain. It's just the randomness of the world. Right?
Picture of the Day:
It hurts my eyes a little but I like it.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Still No Answers
The day started out ok even though the flu was kicking my butt. I had breakfast at Bread Co with my former coworker, MS. She gave me a beautiful snow globe with Greyson's name engraved on it.
Throughout the course of the day I spiraled down, down, down. Emotionally and physically. Emotionally, I'm very close to wishing I wasn't even on this earth right now. Physically, I'm miserable.
Second follow up with Dr. H today but it's not even worth recounting my questions or his answers. It's all still the same. We don't know what causes this or if it could happen again. Again, he said something about it being fortunate that this doesn't happen very often and again I said it wasn't fortunate for me. I really tried to push him to give me real answers. I cried multiple times and was terse with him. It was a bad scene.
I think he could sense how much I was searching and dissatisfied with his answers, he encouraged me to take my information back to Dr. AA or to a high risk OB and ask them all my questions. I tried to get a definitive answer out of him about trying again. He said I had to decide if emotionally I could handle another loss but that physically he was comfortable recommending trying again.
And he did give me something for this flu. Speaking of which...I have to throw up now.
Throughout the course of the day I spiraled down, down, down. Emotionally and physically. Emotionally, I'm very close to wishing I wasn't even on this earth right now. Physically, I'm miserable.
Second follow up with Dr. H today but it's not even worth recounting my questions or his answers. It's all still the same. We don't know what causes this or if it could happen again. Again, he said something about it being fortunate that this doesn't happen very often and again I said it wasn't fortunate for me. I really tried to push him to give me real answers. I cried multiple times and was terse with him. It was a bad scene.
I think he could sense how much I was searching and dissatisfied with his answers, he encouraged me to take my information back to Dr. AA or to a high risk OB and ask them all my questions. I tried to get a definitive answer out of him about trying again. He said I had to decide if emotionally I could handle another loss but that physically he was comfortable recommending trying again.
And he did give me something for this flu. Speaking of which...I have to throw up now.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Sick
I dreamed last night that my bloggy friend, Kim, went with me to my second embryo transfer. The transfer was preformed by an older, tan skinned doctor with glasses who I've never seen before in real life or in my dreams. Dr. AA was not there but as we sat waiting at a table after the transfer, I realize that all the children sitting at the table, doing their homework are Dr. AA's children. Then, I woke up with a raging headache.
I got sicker and sicker the whole day including chills, body wracking coughing and a fever. Now I have to decide wheather to cancel my appointment with Dr. H and make one with my GP or just go and hope Dr. H will throw me some antibiodics.
Dear Life,
Thank you for kicking me while I'm down.
I hate you today.
Could I please have a break?
Paige
Dear Delurkers,
Wonderful!!! Thanks for being brave and delurking for me. There are many others out there. Again I invite you to say hi.
Paige
I got sicker and sicker the whole day including chills, body wracking coughing and a fever. Now I have to decide wheather to cancel my appointment with Dr. H and make one with my GP or just go and hope Dr. H will throw me some antibiodics.
Dear Life,
Thank you for kicking me while I'm down.
I hate you today.
Could I please have a break?
Paige
Dear Delurkers,
Wonderful!!! Thanks for being brave and delurking for me. There are many others out there. Again I invite you to say hi.
Paige
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Releasing Crap
I guess it was an ok day....as ok as they get these days. School was fine except for DRA reading test where each child reads to me individually. The scores are so low, so low. I think it's been about 6 weeks since I've taught small group reading between vacation, snow days, other junk going on at school and the obvious. Not fair to the kids. I just hope it's not too late for me to dig in and make up for lost time. And I hope I'm able to do it.
I went to my dentist, who is friends with me on FB because we went to high school together, not because we're actually friends. The same dentist I dreamt about here. It seems every single thing I do is tied to some pregnancy memory. He didn't mention anything about my loss although I did post something about it on FB. But he DID shove pictures of his four children in my face, including the twins and the recent adopted baby. I'm thinking they had infertility trouble. Who knows? I'm thinking of changing dentists.
On the topic of being honest:
Writing here is not me being honest or gracious. It has become something I just HAVE to do. There is something to be said for releasing crap into the "universe". And writing here is my life line to sanity or the attempt at sanity. YOU are my life line to sanity. I reread your comments over and over sometimes. Some of your comments are so beautiful and deep. So loving. Sometimes it's just the common sense I need at that moment. Sometimes it's just what I need to hear while I'm emotionally writhing and in such pain. The things you write to me DO make a dent in the guilt, and obsessive self doubt. At times, I wonder if there will ever be another happy thing on this blog. I know what I've written since it happened has been so harsh and ugly. Hard to write so I'm sure hard to read too. Thank you for staying with me during this crapfest and I apologize for not being able to comment on most of your blogs.
More released crap:
You may be wondering how my Clara Dog is doing. Very well. Still limping but she's getting more and more difficult to keep "quiet". Much improvement on that first week, when she was in such distress that I wondered if I made the right decision or should have followed Dad's advice to put her down. I take a couple of her staples out everyday with a surgical staple remover Dad had with his vet equipment and the incision looks good. I hope the inside is healing just as well. AND she finally pooped (released crap) on Sunday. If you're keeping track that's 12 days after surgery! I'm estimating that about 10 pounds of crap came out of my 60 pound dog. The vet had said she might not poop for 3-5 days but my Clara B is definitely an overachiever on holding crap in. I can't imagine how uncomfortable she was. 2 weeks of "recovery" down and 2 to go. Then rehabilitation starts.
Too honest?
I went to my dentist, who is friends with me on FB because we went to high school together, not because we're actually friends. The same dentist I dreamt about here. It seems every single thing I do is tied to some pregnancy memory. He didn't mention anything about my loss although I did post something about it on FB. But he DID shove pictures of his four children in my face, including the twins and the recent adopted baby. I'm thinking they had infertility trouble. Who knows? I'm thinking of changing dentists.
On the topic of being honest:
Writing here is not me being honest or gracious. It has become something I just HAVE to do. There is something to be said for releasing crap into the "universe". And writing here is my life line to sanity or the attempt at sanity. YOU are my life line to sanity. I reread your comments over and over sometimes. Some of your comments are so beautiful and deep. So loving. Sometimes it's just the common sense I need at that moment. Sometimes it's just what I need to hear while I'm emotionally writhing and in such pain. The things you write to me DO make a dent in the guilt, and obsessive self doubt. At times, I wonder if there will ever be another happy thing on this blog. I know what I've written since it happened has been so harsh and ugly. Hard to write so I'm sure hard to read too. Thank you for staying with me during this crapfest and I apologize for not being able to comment on most of your blogs.
More released crap:
You may be wondering how my Clara Dog is doing. Very well. Still limping but she's getting more and more difficult to keep "quiet". Much improvement on that first week, when she was in such distress that I wondered if I made the right decision or should have followed Dad's advice to put her down. I take a couple of her staples out everyday with a surgical staple remover Dad had with his vet equipment and the incision looks good. I hope the inside is healing just as well. AND she finally pooped (released crap) on Sunday. If you're keeping track that's 12 days after surgery! I'm estimating that about 10 pounds of crap came out of my 60 pound dog. The vet had said she might not poop for 3-5 days but my Clara B is definitely an overachiever on holding crap in. I can't imagine how uncomfortable she was. 2 weeks of "recovery" down and 2 to go. Then rehabilitation starts.
Too honest?
Friday, December 31, 2010
My Big Little Guy
In my wildest dreams, I never thought that one of the last things I would do in 2010 would be to read autopsy and pathology reports on my son. It feels wrong in the very deepest level of my being. How can this have happened? How could my beautiful pregnancy have ended this way? Why is my beloved baby boy dead? Why am I still here on earth without him? No matter how long I think about these things or how hard I try, there is no answer. I will never understand.
There was one thing in the autopsy that made me smile:
"Appropriate for gestational age.
1. Weight: 319 grams (normal expected 174-452 grams)
2. Crown-Heel Length: 27 cm (normal expected 22.6-27.2 cm)
3. Crown-Rump Length: 19 cm (normal expected 16.0-20.0 cm)
4. Head Circumference: 16.5 cm
5. Foot Length: 3.4 cm (normal expected 2.7-3.9 cm)"
My boy was big and tall! He would have been a big, little guy.
Below this was the placenta pathology. It said: "Large blood clot, 6 cm in largest dimension, adherent to maternal surface."
6cm! I was appalled when I read that. This seems huge. I actually got out a ruler and looked at this measurement. That thing must have been about the size of a baseball. I was angry. How was something that large not seen on the ultrasound two days before? It seems impossible that something that large could grow in the short amount of time between the ultrasound on Thursday and the abruption on Saturday.
I have, the support group leader, Robin's words ringing in my ears. I spoke to her the day after the support group and I asked her more about her thoughts on Dr. H. She's a labor and delivery nurse and works with Dr. H regularly. She said she wasn't sure he was a liar really but that he had so many patients and always seemed in a hurry and maybe cut some corners. I couldn't get that phrase out of my head today. "cut some corners"
I was so alarmed and upset that I called Robin back today and told her about this 6cm clot. I also emailed my aunt, who is a nurse. They both said the same thing. A clot this large really could grow in a very short amount of time. My aunt said it could have been formed in minutes. My aunt said there is no way to know which happened first. The abruption causing the clot, or the clot formed first and caused the placenta to start separating. Robin said that even a full term baby would have struggled to survive this even if it happened in the hospital and was delivered immediately since the placenta tearing away would have taken the baby's oxygen supply.
I told Robin that her words were nagging at me. She apologized and said she should not have said that. That Dr. H. was a good doctor. That his medicine is solid but that she did think he rushed sometimes. She assured me that if he had seen something on the ultrasound he definitely would have done something. I wonder if she said that just to ease my mind. I doubt what everyone says now.
I know I'm desperately looking for some answers and probably seeing trouble where there is none. Could he have rushed through looking at our ultrasound and missed something? This thought haunts me.
I want to believe Dr. H is a good doctor and that there wasn't a thing he or I could have done to save Greyson.
I have to believe that.
I want to believe that this was all out of our hands. I loved my baby so much and did the best I could to care for him. I wish it had been enough or that the doctor had seen something or that it just wasn't part of our story.
2010 ended with the 4 worst weeks of my life. I never knew there could be this much pain in one person's heart. I'm not sure how I survived it and sometimes wonder how I will continue survive it.
But 2010 also gave me the 20 happiest weeks of my life.
I became a mother.
My fairytale really did come true in 2010,
only it was far too brief
and there is no happy ending for me.
There was one thing in the autopsy that made me smile:
"Appropriate for gestational age.
1. Weight: 319 grams (normal expected 174-452 grams)
2. Crown-Heel Length: 27 cm (normal expected 22.6-27.2 cm)
3. Crown-Rump Length: 19 cm (normal expected 16.0-20.0 cm)
4. Head Circumference: 16.5 cm
5. Foot Length: 3.4 cm (normal expected 2.7-3.9 cm)"
My boy was big and tall! He would have been a big, little guy.
Below this was the placenta pathology. It said: "Large blood clot, 6 cm in largest dimension, adherent to maternal surface."
6cm! I was appalled when I read that. This seems huge. I actually got out a ruler and looked at this measurement. That thing must have been about the size of a baseball. I was angry. How was something that large not seen on the ultrasound two days before? It seems impossible that something that large could grow in the short amount of time between the ultrasound on Thursday and the abruption on Saturday.
I have, the support group leader, Robin's words ringing in my ears. I spoke to her the day after the support group and I asked her more about her thoughts on Dr. H. She's a labor and delivery nurse and works with Dr. H regularly. She said she wasn't sure he was a liar really but that he had so many patients and always seemed in a hurry and maybe cut some corners. I couldn't get that phrase out of my head today. "cut some corners"
I was so alarmed and upset that I called Robin back today and told her about this 6cm clot. I also emailed my aunt, who is a nurse. They both said the same thing. A clot this large really could grow in a very short amount of time. My aunt said it could have been formed in minutes. My aunt said there is no way to know which happened first. The abruption causing the clot, or the clot formed first and caused the placenta to start separating. Robin said that even a full term baby would have struggled to survive this even if it happened in the hospital and was delivered immediately since the placenta tearing away would have taken the baby's oxygen supply.
I told Robin that her words were nagging at me. She apologized and said she should not have said that. That Dr. H. was a good doctor. That his medicine is solid but that she did think he rushed sometimes. She assured me that if he had seen something on the ultrasound he definitely would have done something. I wonder if she said that just to ease my mind. I doubt what everyone says now.
I know I'm desperately looking for some answers and probably seeing trouble where there is none. Could he have rushed through looking at our ultrasound and missed something? This thought haunts me.
I want to believe Dr. H is a good doctor and that there wasn't a thing he or I could have done to save Greyson.
I have to believe that.
I want to believe that this was all out of our hands. I loved my baby so much and did the best I could to care for him. I wish it had been enough or that the doctor had seen something or that it just wasn't part of our story.
2010 ended with the 4 worst weeks of my life. I never knew there could be this much pain in one person's heart. I'm not sure how I survived it and sometimes wonder how I will continue survive it.
But 2010 also gave me the 20 happiest weeks of my life.
I became a mother.
My fairytale really did come true in 2010,
only it was far too brief
and there is no happy ending for me.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Dead Baby Appointment
How I was dreading this day and looking forward to getting past it at the same time. I wish I didn't have to go to that place for this reason. This should have been my 24 week check up, I should still be pregnant, Sweet Pea should still be alive and kicking on that ultrasound. I should have been happy to see Dr. H, not dreading what he has to say. I'm strangely a little sad to see this appointment come and go too because it will be the last appointment for Greyson and take me a little further away from the halcyon time when he was with me.
It was a mini-walk through hell within the bigger walk through hell my life has become. First of all, after I signed in the bouncy little girl at the desk asked if I was there for an ultrasound. I said, "No, I lost my baby 3 weeks ago." To which she responded, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did they still want you to have an ultrasound?" Umm...really? The physician's assistant who called me the week after it happened said she would take care of switching my folder. Further, I can't believe they don't train these children better. My GOD, what a thing to have to deal with. And the waiting...it was horrible. I nearly lost it several times but knew that if I did I wouldn't be able to listen or learn anything. I texted with MB and kept thinking...Stay focused, focused like a laser beam and learn as much as you can. The nurse, who I consider my nurse, did seem upset for me when she called me back for blood pressure and weight.
Dr. Hottie was genuinely kind and I might even say had a loving attitude toward me during our time together. In a doctorly way, not a creepy way. Intermingled with the medical stuff, he acknowledged everything I'm feeling. He said he knew how hard it was to come in there today and that it was a tough time of year to have something like this happen. He admitted up front that he doesn't really have the answers or know everything and that what he tells me today is his best guess. He took his time answering my questions, and was with me for over an hour.
He talked about how nothing could have been done by either of us to save the pregnancy or the baby. This is just something that sometimes happens. He was adamant that it was nothing I did that caused it. That there was no way I could have known an hour before when I felt the weird pressure what was happening and that even if I had called him when I felt the pressure it would not have changed the outcome. I asked him if he knew when I called him that it was over or soon to be over. He said he was very worried when I told him what had happened considering the amount of fluid and blood and that I was in the 20th week of pregnancy. He said he wanted me to have copies of everything related to the loss because he knew I was intelligent and a reader and researcher.
At one point, I commented that I was holding it together pretty well for our appointment. He said he was wondering about that. That he hadn't seen me show much emotion in the hospital and that had him very concerned and was why he had the assistant call to check on me the next week. I assured him that I wasn't doing very well with the emotional side of things at all but that I was a private cryer (In my head I'm thinking, he wasn't there the whole time in the hospital, what does he know about it). Later, I as I talked to my mom about the appointment she said she had been worried about the same thing, that I was so still in my body and my face was like granite in the hospital and I couldn't or wouldn't let go with emotions. I'm still not sure myself what was going on there. I think the idea of what was happening was so big and terrifying that I just couldn't get my head around it or maybe I was holding it in so tightly I was afraid of what letting loose would feel like.
We talked about antidepressants and I told him I thought I needed to be feeling what I'm feeling right now but how do I know when grief turns to depression? He said when it keeps you from functioning in your daily life. He said it was ok to cry everyday, I told him I cry a lot every day and he said that was to be expected. I told him there wasn't much I enjoyed, he said it was totally normal to feel like that after something like this. Later, I told him I was still bleeding lightly and he asked if it was ok for him to examine me in two weeks and we could revisit antidepressants then. I told him I'd probably have two more pages of questions for him by then. He said to bring them on, he'd answer anything he could.
I left feeling a tiny bit less tight in the chest, if that makes any sense. I still have some niggling worries and would perhaps want to change doctors in the future. This whole experience of losing Greyson has left me so unsure of everything, everything in the world.
Let the overanalyzing of every word the doctor says begin.
Questions for Doctor:
What exactly is what happened to us called: preterm labor, ruptured amniotic sac, PPROM? He walked in saying he thought it was an abruption so I didn't ask this one.
Death certificate says “abruption”? What is this and why wasn’t it seen on ultrasound? He walked in saying that he doesn’t really know, but his best guess is that it was an abruption. A clot or a vascular weak spot formed somewhere along the area where the placenta is attached to the uterine wall causing the placenta to detach. Once it detached the sac ruptured causing preterm labor. But really there is no way to know what happened.
Causes: None of these had anything to do with the abruption.
Age and weight? It was a donor egg so age was not a factor. I have no medical problems with weight such as diabetes or high blood pressure so that was probably not a factor.
Viral or bacterial infection? Gardnerella? Test? We were tested for these and it was negative.
Donor egg/Donor sperm? This is a more risky situation but probably did not cause the abruption.
Laptop use daily, sometimes actually over my abdomen? Not a cause.
Strenuous and long day a few days before and an activity where I had to reach up many times?
Not a cause.
My female donor has no knowledge of her father, could something in his background have led to this? Most likely not a cause but can't say for sure because we don't know what information we're missing.
Two days before at our 20 week ultrasound, you said you couldn’t see the bottom
of the heart and wanted us to have another ultrasound. Could this have something to do with it? Not a cause.
Greyson’s autopsy? The baby was totally normal. And all my blood tests came back normal as well.
I had a large gush of bleeding 12 hours after my four week internal ultrasound with Dr. A. They said it was caused by cervical irritation, old blood pooling at the bottom of the uterus and looking for a way out. Could this somehow be related? This could be related. There could have been a very small abruption at this time and then it healed itself but continued as a weak spot as the placenta and uterus grew. Again no way to know for sure. There was a lot of medical mumbo jumbo about blood in the uterus. He stated that any bleeding at all was considered not normal.
Is there something wrong with my uterus or cervix that it can’t hold things in? My uterus and cervix seem fine. On my 4 and 6 week ultrasounds with Dr. A my cervix was “long and closed”. Everything looked normal. I’ve read about something called “incompetent cervix” How do you know? Same answer as above.
Was there anything at all on the ultrasound indicating a problem of any kind? No, the ultrasound looked completely normal. It could have been on the ultrasound but they are in grayscale and you can’t always tell because even these days the quality of the picture is not good or sometimes the area with the abruption isn’t shown during that particular ultrasound.
I know the first gush of clear fluid was amniotic fluid, where did the blood come from?
A lot of medical mumbo jumbo on this one. What he said I think boils down to when the placenta pulled away from the uterine wall, some blood vessels tore loose with it, my and the placenta's? blood vessels are intertwined at this point. It could have been part my blood, part baby’s.
I was usually able to feel him move while still in bed in the mornings but I didn’t feel him the morning of the 4th. Was something already happening then? It is possible, the abruption could have already been pulling away or it could have been just one of those days he didn’t move. There is no way to tell.
If I had gotten to the hospital when I’d first felt the odd pressure an hour or so before, could something have been done? No, it was an acute case early in fetal development and happened very quickly, nothing could have been done even at this point.
Why was no medication given to stop labor when I got to the hospital? More medical mumbo jumbo. Something about it only being the 20th week and if labor did stop he probably wouldn’t have been able to keep the baby inside for as long as needed to become viable. And something about even if he could have miraculously kept him inside for that long, there would have been a high probability of the abruption causing a serious infection which could be dangerous or fatal to the baby and to me.
If I can gather my shattered soul for another try, when would be the soonest? Physically six months, only if I’m emotionally ready.
Is there a scan or test to tell if my insides are ok to try again? An internal ultrasound.
In, January you removed a polyp from my uterus, is there a chance that could have grown back by now? Yes, an internal ultrasound can see if there are polyps.
Do you think my periods will come back normally? Can’t be sure. Pregnancy sometimes causes periods to come back regularly for people who’ve had irregular ones before. (I've never had irregular periods.)
Considering that Dr. A. diagnosed me with diminished ovarian reserve a year ago…what does this mean concerning my periods and early menopause? It could be a concern, we'll wait and see what happens and take care of any problems as they arise.
What does this mean for trying again? My uterus is healthy and fine so pregnancy is possible with donor egg. A similar hormone protocol would probably be used to simulate a cycle. With medical protocal, technically a 100 year old woman could theoretically get pregnant if the uterus was healthy. I told him I feel 100.
What are the chances something like this happens again? Donor egg and IVF in general is more risky. No one can say what the chances are but it is fortunately something that this doesn’t happen very often. I told him it wasn’t fortunate for ME.
Is it MORE likely to happen again? Not more likely, probably less likely but can’t say for sure.
What are the chances I can survive it if it happens again? Didn’t ask it.
Are there precautions to take if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again? Early and more frequent ultrasounds and consults with perinatologist/high risk OB.
How can you help me manage anxiety if I get pregnant again? Medication only if needed.
Would you be willing to see me as often as I need to reassure me of a safe pregnancy? Yes, he’d see me every day if I wanted. He has an “open door” policy and I could drop in any time for reassurance. He was sure to tell me not all places are like that.
What is the difference between you and a high risk OB/perinatologist? Perinataologist has more knowledge of high risk cases and the statistically odd things that can go wrong. While Dr. H. reads and researches only gyno and ob stuff, Periguy reads and studies only high risk research and articles and sees only high risk patients.
It is my understanding a high risk OB would work with you, do you think I need one? Dr. H would work with the periguy on a consultation basis. Dr. H would still be my OB and deliver baby. Yes, seeing a perinatologist would be a good precaution to take. Then he talked on about some doctors at SLU who would be the best to see.
Would I see the perinatologist before trying to become pregnant again? Yes, a prepregnancy consult would be advised. Sometimes the specialist can see things that might have been wrong that the regular OB can’t see. (I'm wondering why I wasn't sent there with this pregnancy although I know it probably wouldn't have changed things.)
Dr. A put two embryos in me, would this have happened earlier if there had been two? No way to tell, twins sometimes grow from the same placenta, sometimes they each have their own.
Should I have two put in if I try again? Yes, that is standard practice and very much increases the chances of getting pregnant.
Less chance of getting pregnant with frozen embryos, right? No, he thought it was still about the same with frozen embryos considering the newer technology and quick freezing.
Records of pregnancy and loss sent to Dr. A. Yes, they will be sent and a copy given to me as well.
Anxiety attacks? Normal to have these and will get better with time, he prescribed Xanax.
Raging headaches when I wake up? Again normal, probably stress related and will get better with time.
How do you know I don’t have PCOS?
--heavy esp. on top, infertility, weird hair growth, you removed some cysts 5-6 years ago during a D & C.
He thought I did have a very mild form of it but that I didn’t have the metabolic portion of PCOS that would affect pregnancy. (I don't remember hearing of this before.)
I've already begun a new list including:
Why wasn't I sent to the periguy to begin with?
Would you have been able to see the abruption with a 3-D ultrasound?
How do I know if I'm emotionally ready to try again?
Would it have changed things if I didn't have the 6 week internal ultrasound?
Should I have internal ultrasounds in the future?
It was a mini-walk through hell within the bigger walk through hell my life has become. First of all, after I signed in the bouncy little girl at the desk asked if I was there for an ultrasound. I said, "No, I lost my baby 3 weeks ago." To which she responded, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did they still want you to have an ultrasound?" Umm...really? The physician's assistant who called me the week after it happened said she would take care of switching my folder. Further, I can't believe they don't train these children better. My GOD, what a thing to have to deal with. And the waiting...it was horrible. I nearly lost it several times but knew that if I did I wouldn't be able to listen or learn anything. I texted with MB and kept thinking...Stay focused, focused like a laser beam and learn as much as you can. The nurse, who I consider my nurse, did seem upset for me when she called me back for blood pressure and weight.
Dr. Hottie was genuinely kind and I might even say had a loving attitude toward me during our time together. In a doctorly way, not a creepy way. Intermingled with the medical stuff, he acknowledged everything I'm feeling. He said he knew how hard it was to come in there today and that it was a tough time of year to have something like this happen. He admitted up front that he doesn't really have the answers or know everything and that what he tells me today is his best guess. He took his time answering my questions, and was with me for over an hour.
He talked about how nothing could have been done by either of us to save the pregnancy or the baby. This is just something that sometimes happens. He was adamant that it was nothing I did that caused it. That there was no way I could have known an hour before when I felt the weird pressure what was happening and that even if I had called him when I felt the pressure it would not have changed the outcome. I asked him if he knew when I called him that it was over or soon to be over. He said he was very worried when I told him what had happened considering the amount of fluid and blood and that I was in the 20th week of pregnancy. He said he wanted me to have copies of everything related to the loss because he knew I was intelligent and a reader and researcher.
At one point, I commented that I was holding it together pretty well for our appointment. He said he was wondering about that. That he hadn't seen me show much emotion in the hospital and that had him very concerned and was why he had the assistant call to check on me the next week. I assured him that I wasn't doing very well with the emotional side of things at all but that I was a private cryer (In my head I'm thinking, he wasn't there the whole time in the hospital, what does he know about it). Later, I as I talked to my mom about the appointment she said she had been worried about the same thing, that I was so still in my body and my face was like granite in the hospital and I couldn't or wouldn't let go with emotions. I'm still not sure myself what was going on there. I think the idea of what was happening was so big and terrifying that I just couldn't get my head around it or maybe I was holding it in so tightly I was afraid of what letting loose would feel like.
We talked about antidepressants and I told him I thought I needed to be feeling what I'm feeling right now but how do I know when grief turns to depression? He said when it keeps you from functioning in your daily life. He said it was ok to cry everyday, I told him I cry a lot every day and he said that was to be expected. I told him there wasn't much I enjoyed, he said it was totally normal to feel like that after something like this. Later, I told him I was still bleeding lightly and he asked if it was ok for him to examine me in two weeks and we could revisit antidepressants then. I told him I'd probably have two more pages of questions for him by then. He said to bring them on, he'd answer anything he could.
I left feeling a tiny bit less tight in the chest, if that makes any sense. I still have some niggling worries and would perhaps want to change doctors in the future. This whole experience of losing Greyson has left me so unsure of everything, everything in the world.
Let the overanalyzing of every word the doctor says begin.
Questions for Doctor:
What exactly is what happened to us called: preterm labor, ruptured amniotic sac, PPROM? He walked in saying he thought it was an abruption so I didn't ask this one.
Death certificate says “abruption”? What is this and why wasn’t it seen on ultrasound? He walked in saying that he doesn’t really know, but his best guess is that it was an abruption. A clot or a vascular weak spot formed somewhere along the area where the placenta is attached to the uterine wall causing the placenta to detach. Once it detached the sac ruptured causing preterm labor. But really there is no way to know what happened.
Causes: None of these had anything to do with the abruption.
Age and weight? It was a donor egg so age was not a factor. I have no medical problems with weight such as diabetes or high blood pressure so that was probably not a factor.
Viral or bacterial infection? Gardnerella? Test? We were tested for these and it was negative.
Donor egg/Donor sperm? This is a more risky situation but probably did not cause the abruption.
Laptop use daily, sometimes actually over my abdomen? Not a cause.
Strenuous and long day a few days before and an activity where I had to reach up many times?
Not a cause.
My female donor has no knowledge of her father, could something in his background have led to this? Most likely not a cause but can't say for sure because we don't know what information we're missing.
Two days before at our 20 week ultrasound, you said you couldn’t see the bottom
of the heart and wanted us to have another ultrasound. Could this have something to do with it? Not a cause.
Greyson’s autopsy? The baby was totally normal. And all my blood tests came back normal as well.
I had a large gush of bleeding 12 hours after my four week internal ultrasound with Dr. A. They said it was caused by cervical irritation, old blood pooling at the bottom of the uterus and looking for a way out. Could this somehow be related? This could be related. There could have been a very small abruption at this time and then it healed itself but continued as a weak spot as the placenta and uterus grew. Again no way to know for sure. There was a lot of medical mumbo jumbo about blood in the uterus. He stated that any bleeding at all was considered not normal.
Is there something wrong with my uterus or cervix that it can’t hold things in? My uterus and cervix seem fine. On my 4 and 6 week ultrasounds with Dr. A my cervix was “long and closed”. Everything looked normal. I’ve read about something called “incompetent cervix” How do you know? Same answer as above.
Was there anything at all on the ultrasound indicating a problem of any kind? No, the ultrasound looked completely normal. It could have been on the ultrasound but they are in grayscale and you can’t always tell because even these days the quality of the picture is not good or sometimes the area with the abruption isn’t shown during that particular ultrasound.
I know the first gush of clear fluid was amniotic fluid, where did the blood come from?
A lot of medical mumbo jumbo on this one. What he said I think boils down to when the placenta pulled away from the uterine wall, some blood vessels tore loose with it, my and the placenta's? blood vessels are intertwined at this point. It could have been part my blood, part baby’s.
I was usually able to feel him move while still in bed in the mornings but I didn’t feel him the morning of the 4th. Was something already happening then? It is possible, the abruption could have already been pulling away or it could have been just one of those days he didn’t move. There is no way to tell.
If I had gotten to the hospital when I’d first felt the odd pressure an hour or so before, could something have been done? No, it was an acute case early in fetal development and happened very quickly, nothing could have been done even at this point.
Why was no medication given to stop labor when I got to the hospital? More medical mumbo jumbo. Something about it only being the 20th week and if labor did stop he probably wouldn’t have been able to keep the baby inside for as long as needed to become viable. And something about even if he could have miraculously kept him inside for that long, there would have been a high probability of the abruption causing a serious infection which could be dangerous or fatal to the baby and to me.
If I can gather my shattered soul for another try, when would be the soonest? Physically six months, only if I’m emotionally ready.
Is there a scan or test to tell if my insides are ok to try again? An internal ultrasound.
In, January you removed a polyp from my uterus, is there a chance that could have grown back by now? Yes, an internal ultrasound can see if there are polyps.
Do you think my periods will come back normally? Can’t be sure. Pregnancy sometimes causes periods to come back regularly for people who’ve had irregular ones before. (I've never had irregular periods.)
Considering that Dr. A. diagnosed me with diminished ovarian reserve a year ago…what does this mean concerning my periods and early menopause? It could be a concern, we'll wait and see what happens and take care of any problems as they arise.
What does this mean for trying again? My uterus is healthy and fine so pregnancy is possible with donor egg. A similar hormone protocol would probably be used to simulate a cycle. With medical protocal, technically a 100 year old woman could theoretically get pregnant if the uterus was healthy. I told him I feel 100.
What are the chances something like this happens again? Donor egg and IVF in general is more risky. No one can say what the chances are but it is fortunately something that this doesn’t happen very often. I told him it wasn’t fortunate for ME.
Is it MORE likely to happen again? Not more likely, probably less likely but can’t say for sure.
What are the chances I can survive it if it happens again? Didn’t ask it.
Are there precautions to take if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant again? Early and more frequent ultrasounds and consults with perinatologist/high risk OB.
How can you help me manage anxiety if I get pregnant again? Medication only if needed.
Would you be willing to see me as often as I need to reassure me of a safe pregnancy? Yes, he’d see me every day if I wanted. He has an “open door” policy and I could drop in any time for reassurance. He was sure to tell me not all places are like that.
What is the difference between you and a high risk OB/perinatologist? Perinataologist has more knowledge of high risk cases and the statistically odd things that can go wrong. While Dr. H. reads and researches only gyno and ob stuff, Periguy reads and studies only high risk research and articles and sees only high risk patients.
It is my understanding a high risk OB would work with you, do you think I need one? Dr. H would work with the periguy on a consultation basis. Dr. H would still be my OB and deliver baby. Yes, seeing a perinatologist would be a good precaution to take. Then he talked on about some doctors at SLU who would be the best to see.
Would I see the perinatologist before trying to become pregnant again? Yes, a prepregnancy consult would be advised. Sometimes the specialist can see things that might have been wrong that the regular OB can’t see. (I'm wondering why I wasn't sent there with this pregnancy although I know it probably wouldn't have changed things.)
Dr. A put two embryos in me, would this have happened earlier if there had been two? No way to tell, twins sometimes grow from the same placenta, sometimes they each have their own.
Should I have two put in if I try again? Yes, that is standard practice and very much increases the chances of getting pregnant.
Less chance of getting pregnant with frozen embryos, right? No, he thought it was still about the same with frozen embryos considering the newer technology and quick freezing.
Records of pregnancy and loss sent to Dr. A. Yes, they will be sent and a copy given to me as well.
Anxiety attacks? Normal to have these and will get better with time, he prescribed Xanax.
Raging headaches when I wake up? Again normal, probably stress related and will get better with time.
How do you know I don’t have PCOS?
--heavy esp. on top, infertility, weird hair growth, you removed some cysts 5-6 years ago during a D & C.
He thought I did have a very mild form of it but that I didn’t have the metabolic portion of PCOS that would affect pregnancy. (I don't remember hearing of this before.)
I've already begun a new list including:
Why wasn't I sent to the periguy to begin with?
Would you have been able to see the abruption with a 3-D ultrasound?
How do I know if I'm emotionally ready to try again?
Would it have changed things if I didn't have the 6 week internal ultrasound?
Should I have internal ultrasounds in the future?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Questions for Dr. Hottie
Am I completely insane for going into our postpartum appointment tomorrow with this huge typed list of questions? Will he even take the time to answer them all? I'm intelligent and know how to use google but I have to hear it from his mouth. My head knows there are no answers and never will be and that I could have been standing next to the doctor when it happened and nothing could have been done. My heart has to ask.
Let me know if I've missed any....
Questions for Doctor Hottie:
What exactly is what happened to us called: preterm labor, ruptured amniotic sac, PPROM?
Death certificate says “abruption”? What is this and why wasn’t it seen on ultrasound? Why the discrepancy with what I was told in the hospital?
Miscarriage or stillbirth?
Greyson's autopsy results?
Causes:
Age and weight?
Viral or bacterial infection? Test?
Donor egg/Donor sperm?
Laptop use daily, sometimes actually over my abdomen?
Strenuous and long day a few days before and an activity where I had to reach up many times?
My female donor has no knowledge of her father, could something in his background have led to this?
Two days before at our 20 week ultrasound, you said you couldn’t see the bottom
of the heart and wanted us to have another ultrasound. Could this have something to do with it?
I had a large gush of bleeding 12 hours after my four week internal ultrasound with Dr. AA. They said it was caused by cervical irritation, old blood pooling at the bottom of the uterus and looking for a way out. Could this somehow be related? Is there something wrong with my uterus or cervix that it can’t hold things in? I’ve read about something called “incompetent cervix” How do you know?
Was there anything at all on the ultrasound indicating a problem of any kind?
I know the first gush of clear fluid was amniotic fluid, where did the blood come from?
I was usually able to feel him move while still in bed in the mornings but I didn’t feel him the morning of the 4th. Was something already happening then?
If I had gotten to the hospital when I’d first felt the odd pressure an hour or so before, could something have been done?
Why was no medication given to stop labor when I got to the hospital?
If I can gather my shattered soul for another try, when would be the soonest?
Is there a scan or test to tell if my insides are ok to try again?
In, January you removed a polyp from my uterus, is there a chance that could have grown back by now?
Do you think my periods will come back normally? Considering that Dr. AA diagnosed me with diminished ovarian reserve a year ago…what does this mean concerning my periods and early menopause? What does this mean for trying again?
What are the chances something like this happens again? Is it MORE likely to happen again?
What are the chances I can survive it if it happens again?
Are there precautions to take if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant?
Would you be willing to see me as often as I need to reassure me of a safe pregnancy?
What is the difference between you and a high risk OB?
It is my understanding a high risk OB would work with you, do you think I need one?
Dr. AA put two embryos in me, would this have happened earlier if there had been two?
Should I have two put in if I try again?
Less chance of getting pregnant with frozen embryos, right?
Anxiety attacks?
How do you know I don’t have PCOS?
--heavy esp. on top, infertility, weird hair growth, you removed some cysts 5-6 years ago during a D & C.
Let me know if I've missed any....
Questions for Doctor Hottie:
What exactly is what happened to us called: preterm labor, ruptured amniotic sac, PPROM?
Death certificate says “abruption”? What is this and why wasn’t it seen on ultrasound? Why the discrepancy with what I was told in the hospital?
Miscarriage or stillbirth?
Greyson's autopsy results?
Causes:
Age and weight?
Viral or bacterial infection? Test?
Donor egg/Donor sperm?
Laptop use daily, sometimes actually over my abdomen?
Strenuous and long day a few days before and an activity where I had to reach up many times?
My female donor has no knowledge of her father, could something in his background have led to this?
Two days before at our 20 week ultrasound, you said you couldn’t see the bottom
of the heart and wanted us to have another ultrasound. Could this have something to do with it?
I had a large gush of bleeding 12 hours after my four week internal ultrasound with Dr. AA. They said it was caused by cervical irritation, old blood pooling at the bottom of the uterus and looking for a way out. Could this somehow be related? Is there something wrong with my uterus or cervix that it can’t hold things in? I’ve read about something called “incompetent cervix” How do you know?
Was there anything at all on the ultrasound indicating a problem of any kind?
I know the first gush of clear fluid was amniotic fluid, where did the blood come from?
I was usually able to feel him move while still in bed in the mornings but I didn’t feel him the morning of the 4th. Was something already happening then?
If I had gotten to the hospital when I’d first felt the odd pressure an hour or so before, could something have been done?
Why was no medication given to stop labor when I got to the hospital?
If I can gather my shattered soul for another try, when would be the soonest?
Is there a scan or test to tell if my insides are ok to try again?
In, January you removed a polyp from my uterus, is there a chance that could have grown back by now?
Do you think my periods will come back normally? Considering that Dr. AA diagnosed me with diminished ovarian reserve a year ago…what does this mean concerning my periods and early menopause? What does this mean for trying again?
What are the chances something like this happens again? Is it MORE likely to happen again?
What are the chances I can survive it if it happens again?
Are there precautions to take if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant?
Would you be willing to see me as often as I need to reassure me of a safe pregnancy?
What is the difference between you and a high risk OB?
It is my understanding a high risk OB would work with you, do you think I need one?
Dr. AA put two embryos in me, would this have happened earlier if there had been two?
Should I have two put in if I try again?
Less chance of getting pregnant with frozen embryos, right?
Anxiety attacks?
How do you know I don’t have PCOS?
--heavy esp. on top, infertility, weird hair growth, you removed some cysts 5-6 years ago during a D & C.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
My Famous Doctor
So I'm webstalking Dr. AA last night cause what else is a single TTC gal to do on a Saturday night? Pathetic, I know. Dr. AA's website says he's been chosen to be the fertility consultant on a new TLC show about conception. At first, I was very excited because surely this means he really is one of the best in the country, TLC would surely choose a highly reputable doctor and how many people get to see their doc on TV? This is a show that follows 6 women in their journey to conceive, some are just beginning their journey and some have been struggling for a while. None of them have similar profiles to myself, big shocker...
As I read the Expert Q & A, I realize this is just a giant First Response ad and I'm disappointed in Dr. AA. His answers are legit but each one also includes a plug for a First Response product. Ok...I'm just going to out him right here, now you will all know Dr. AA's real identity...what the heck, it's not like I'm his only patient and apparently he's going to be famous now. He is even featured in part of the show's trailer. He's quite good looking, maybe that is why he was chosen, not because of his talent in the field. I kind of feel like he's a big sell-out. Sorry, Dr. AA, I will always be a Clearblue girl. (or whatever's on sale, I don't really believe there's a difference)
Back in January, Dr. H discouraged me from going to another well known RE in my area and encouraged me to go to Dr. AA. I remember he specifically said that Dr. AA was not out for fame and monetary gain and that the other doc seemed to be. Now I have to wonder.
Still it is kind of exciting and believe me I'll be watching every moment of the show. When I see Dr. AA on Tues, I shall ask him to autograph my ute....lol
Happy Mother's Day...I'm wishing for a crystal ball so I can see next year's Mother's Day.
As I read the Expert Q & A, I realize this is just a giant First Response ad and I'm disappointed in Dr. AA. His answers are legit but each one also includes a plug for a First Response product. Ok...I'm just going to out him right here, now you will all know Dr. AA's real identity...what the heck, it's not like I'm his only patient and apparently he's going to be famous now. He is even featured in part of the show's trailer. He's quite good looking, maybe that is why he was chosen, not because of his talent in the field. I kind of feel like he's a big sell-out. Sorry, Dr. AA, I will always be a Clearblue girl. (or whatever's on sale, I don't really believe there's a difference)
Back in January, Dr. H discouraged me from going to another well known RE in my area and encouraged me to go to Dr. AA. I remember he specifically said that Dr. AA was not out for fame and monetary gain and that the other doc seemed to be. Now I have to wonder.
Still it is kind of exciting and believe me I'll be watching every moment of the show. When I see Dr. AA on Tues, I shall ask him to autograph my ute....lol
Happy Mother's Day...I'm wishing for a crystal ball so I can see next year's Mother's Day.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
News Flash: Donor Decision Made
BIG NEWS! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
I've picked a donor and I'm going to book the April cycle! I am very excited to have some ginormous decisions made and be moving forward. I have come full circle by choosing a donor I had first considered weeks ago. My donor is a smart, healthy and funny young lady who has big dreams and she looks enough like me that I think she won't stick out in an obvious way. She is the "stubborn" one I mentioned earlier. I am very grateful and humbled to be able to invite these genes into my family.
There are two things I'm worried about. Of course, what would a single step of this journey be without at least a little worry? This donor has A negative blood, I'm O positive. Every article I've read says it really doesn't matter but mostly those are about fetuses with differing blood types not about a body accepting and implanting an opposite blood typed embryo. Seems like my body would be more likely to reject a seed that doesn't have similar blood type. The second thing is that is that she is young. 24 I'm worried that she won't be responsible with medication or will back out. I feel that even considering the daunting and miraculous undertaking of becoming a donor indicates maturity but she's very young. I should look for the best I know....but I can't help but worry a little.
When Dr. 2's nurse told me that they are affiliated with a religious hospital and he doesn't work with single patients, I sort of went through a few minutes of grief and anger. All the emotions of being told I couldn't conceive my own genetic children came rushing back and the unfairness of this whole long, grueling journey. I asked the nurse if they could recommend anyone else who would work with me on a second opinion. Well, the first name out of her mouth was someone who Dr. Hottie had steered me away from, too cutting edge and out for the fame, does some stuff that may be very risky, he said. I made an appointment with the second name she gave me but it isn't for months.
And so my decision to go ahead was made. I cannot wait the months and months for the second opinion. I simply can't. The time is now. I want to start my family. My womb has been empty far too long and is craving fullness. My heart is crying out for a child to love. I was made to be a mother and I can't wait any longer.
If I had any lingering little doubt about using donor DNA, it was quashed by this article. So much of it resonated with me, except the husband part of course. lol
Especially the last paragraph:
"When a friend said to me recently, "I'm sure your boys will be tall, like you are!" I nodded before remembering, and reminding her, that genetically, my children aren't related to me. I had to laugh. When you're busy playing hide-and-seek and reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar and scraping peas off the floor, the last thing you think about is your babies' DNA."
I'm going to have a wonderful, amazing, unbelievable family. It doesn't really matter how we came to be together.
In other news, as I was driving to work on Friday a silly teenager with frosted over windows did not see me and t-boned right into the side of my car. Thank God, we were both going pretty slow, I was able to avoid ramming into a third car and no one was hurt. My car was hurt though. Smashed in front quarter panel and it looked like the wheel was bent in. She was insured and I've got a nice rental. Mostly it's a huge hassle.
In other, other news. I went to a friend's 50th birthday party last night. Some of my retired friends were there and they were all swapping stories about hot flashes. And THEN, one of them turned to me and said "You're still in your 40's, aren't you? You don't have to worry about this stuff for a while." Ummmm I'M ONLY 38! Do you hear me? 38! I used to be told that I looked younger than my age and I never really worried about getting older. Now that I'm facing "advanced maternal age", I think about it a lot. Thank you, Infertility.
In still other news, C. has a screw up little sister, A. I hate to say that about her but she really is messed up. She does drugs, steals (she once stole C.'s wedding ring) and cannot hold down a job for more than a few months at a time. Anyway, apparently A. has this bartender friend who just found out she is pregnant. She's 22 and already has a 3 year old she's struggling to take care of. Previously, C. had told some of my story to A, trying to put feelers out for anyone A. might know who would want to be an egg donor. Can you see where this is going?
Well I guess when this friend was hysterical and crying on A.'s shoulder for hours about how is she going to take care of this new baby, she's barely making it already etc. A. mentioned me and kind of talked me up as a potential adoptive mom. I'm genuinely surprised and touched that A. thought of me. Apparently, this girl was only able to calm down after hearing about me.
Now, my instinct is that this is not going to happen. This girl somehow made it work when she was 19 and having a baby, she'll realize she can somehow make it now too. She's just panicking right now.
I would have some serious thinking to do too. You hear those stories about birth mothers taking the children away from the adoptive mothers. I know I would have to do some major research and seriously button up everything legally. Thankfully, S.'s dad is a judge and I know he would help me. I don't think I could survive the broken heart if she changed her mind and took the little one back.
She told A. she would only be interested in open adoption and I'm not sure how much drama that could be inviting into a child's life. Not to mention mega abandonment issues for the baby considering she kept the first child. Also, she's a bartender and A.'s friend. What has she been drinking and doing while she's pregnant? She doesn't know who the father is, it could be one of a series of men.
Ohhhh, the unfairness of it all!!!!! It doesn't seem right that this gal gets pregnant so easily and here I am wanting it with every breath of my being, working at it full time and I can't. In the stoic words of my father, "That is not something we can control".
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Phone Consult...Finally
The Dr. said he would call around noon today. At 12:50 I was in the midst of firing off an email to him when the phone rang. Thank God! He apologized very profusely and really did sound like he had laryngitis. He said all my blood tests looked good and I could go forward with donor eggs if I wanted. Whew! He answered all my questions and was very kind. I should look for the clinical manager to get in touch with me about medications and it looks like April will be THE cycle. I've got an email in to the donor egg agency and will be getting the ball rolling with them.
I'm still getting the second opinion but I would like to stay with this clinic. It comes highly recommended. Now that I've cooled off and taken a step back I remember other patients who went there saying they were very on top of things. They do have a very good success rate and I need that on my side. Also, I like being able to contact Dr. AA or any of the staff anytime through email.
Weeks ago I picked out two donors that I like, not that there was all that much choice. There were about a dozen profiles of donors. A few were African American. A few I disallowed for health reasons or because they smoked. I'm sure it wouldn't be a big deal. People who smoke get pregnant everyday but I need the best, healthiest chance I can get.
I'm disappointed that there aren't more profiles offered for egg donors. Unlike the thousands of profiles of sperm donors I looked through to find the perfect one. Dr. AA offered to send me a list of possible donor agencies but when I told him that this agency had about 12 local donors on their website he said that was quite a few and I probably wouldn't be able to find that many locally with any other agency. This such a huge decision! In a way I'm more comfortable making it because picking a sperm donor warmed me up but picking a sperm donor seems small compared to this. I don't know why they are both 5o% of the equation. Or maybe they are each 40 and I'm 10?
I'm also changing my sperm donor. I adored #112535 A.K.A. Dave Indevial and couldn't wait to see our red-headed babies but it seems like a good time for a fresh start. So, Dave if you're out there, thank you for all the good times we had together. The ordering, the calls to your bank to ask copious questions about you, the anxious waiting, the wondering if you'd fit into the budget this month, the time I had you delivered to my house and you lived in my garage for a few days. I will cherish them all but it is time for me to move on.
Also, Dave was anonymous and I decided that I would like an open donor now. I figure if a kid is going to come from not one, but two donors, he or she should be able to meet both sides of where they come from, if they wish. Not very logical but it just wasn't important to me before, now it is.
It is completely mind blowing to think that two separate people who are strangers to each other and to me and who live thousands of miles away from each other are coming together with my doctors, embryologist and an assorted cast of dozens of others to create my miracle. It is a wonderful world we live in.
Happy Valentines Day! I'm coming for you Baby! I'm coming! Look for me because I'm sure trying to find you.
I'm still getting the second opinion but I would like to stay with this clinic. It comes highly recommended. Now that I've cooled off and taken a step back I remember other patients who went there saying they were very on top of things. They do have a very good success rate and I need that on my side. Also, I like being able to contact Dr. AA or any of the staff anytime through email.
Weeks ago I picked out two donors that I like, not that there was all that much choice. There were about a dozen profiles of donors. A few were African American. A few I disallowed for health reasons or because they smoked. I'm sure it wouldn't be a big deal. People who smoke get pregnant everyday but I need the best, healthiest chance I can get.
I'm disappointed that there aren't more profiles offered for egg donors. Unlike the thousands of profiles of sperm donors I looked through to find the perfect one. Dr. AA offered to send me a list of possible donor agencies but when I told him that this agency had about 12 local donors on their website he said that was quite a few and I probably wouldn't be able to find that many locally with any other agency. This such a huge decision! In a way I'm more comfortable making it because picking a sperm donor warmed me up but picking a sperm donor seems small compared to this. I don't know why they are both 5o% of the equation. Or maybe they are each 40 and I'm 10?
I'm also changing my sperm donor. I adored #112535 A.K.A. Dave Indevial and couldn't wait to see our red-headed babies but it seems like a good time for a fresh start. So, Dave if you're out there, thank you for all the good times we had together. The ordering, the calls to your bank to ask copious questions about you, the anxious waiting, the wondering if you'd fit into the budget this month, the time I had you delivered to my house and you lived in my garage for a few days. I will cherish them all but it is time for me to move on.
Also, Dave was anonymous and I decided that I would like an open donor now. I figure if a kid is going to come from not one, but two donors, he or she should be able to meet both sides of where they come from, if they wish. Not very logical but it just wasn't important to me before, now it is.
It is completely mind blowing to think that two separate people who are strangers to each other and to me and who live thousands of miles away from each other are coming together with my doctors, embryologist and an assorted cast of dozens of others to create my miracle. It is a wonderful world we live in.
Happy Valentines Day! I'm coming for you Baby! I'm coming! Look for me because I'm sure trying to find you.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Doctor email and the Olympics
I heard back from the dr. Here's what he had to say:
"Sorry about the mix up
I did call the numbers I had and one did not work...one no answer.
I am rechecking he numbers and will call you
Wee will chat at some point this weekend that works!
I appreciate the email."
Ok, there was a mix up I can understand that. However, I'm wondering if he really tried both numbers or if he's just covering his All American Ass. The clinical manager had already told me he wasn't feeling well and went home early that day. He could have taken my file with him but I was right there with both phones and I'm dorky enough to call each phone from the other phone to be sure the ringer was on and I can hear it well before the time of the appt. Neither phone made a peep and his number did not show up on either one's caller id. The office could have written a number down wrong or he could have dialed one wrong, but both?
If I move forward these people will be handling my embryo. What if there's a "mix up" with that or they (he) lies about something more important. It's all very disconcerting.
I do not like being a person who would think the worst about someone. Anyone have any thoughts? Mix up or liar, liar All American pants on fire?
Not to mention "at some point" "that works". WTF???? WHEN???? At some point WHEN??? WHEN "works"????
Not to mention I'm STILL going crazy with waiting for info.
grrrrrr
In hair news, I got mine cut and colored today. Ahhh, there is nothing quite like the feeling of walking out of the salon with what you know to be a kickass color and cut. It's probably when I feel the best about my looks. I tried to take a pic but I'd already ruined the style by working out and I couldn't get a good angle.
The Olympics began in Vancouver last night. What a thrill! The pageantry, the patriotism, the intere
st stories, that Olympic theme they play on NBC with the kettle drums, the competition. I love it all! I think it's the closest we ever come to world peace. I watched the opening ceremonies and I was impressed with all the technology. When those "whales" swam across the floor! I also loved those crazy fiddlers who looked like they were part Braveheart warrior, part Harley Davidson gang members and part cloggers. k d lang was awesome singing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. I love getting to know the host country and all the athletes. I'm considering myself Canadian American for the next few weeks!
"Sorry about the mix up
I did call the numbers I had and one did not work...one no answer.
I am rechecking he numbers and will call you
Wee will chat at some point this weekend that works!
I appreciate the email."
Ok, there was a mix up I can understand that. However, I'm wondering if he really tried both numbers or if he's just covering his All American Ass. The clinical manager had already told me he wasn't feeling well and went home early that day. He could have taken my file with him but I was right there with both phones and I'm dorky enough to call each phone from the other phone to be sure the ringer was on and I can hear it well before the time of the appt. Neither phone made a peep and his number did not show up on either one's caller id. The office could have written a number down wrong or he could have dialed one wrong, but both?
If I move forward these people will be handling my embryo. What if there's a "mix up" with that or they (he) lies about something more important. It's all very disconcerting.
I do not like being a person who would think the worst about someone. Anyone have any thoughts? Mix up or liar, liar All American pants on fire?
Not to mention "at some point" "that works". WTF???? WHEN???? At some point WHEN??? WHEN "works"????
Not to mention I'm STILL going crazy with waiting for info.
grrrrrr
In hair news, I got mine cut and colored today. Ahhh, there is nothing quite like the feeling of walking out of the salon with what you know to be a kickass color and cut. It's probably when I feel the best about my looks. I tried to take a pic but I'd already ruined the style by working out and I couldn't get a good angle.
The Olympics began in Vancouver last night. What a thrill! The pageantry, the patriotism, the intere
st stories, that Olympic theme they play on NBC with the kettle drums, the competition. I love it all! I think it's the closest we ever come to world peace. I watched the opening ceremonies and I was impressed with all the technology. When those "whales" swam across the floor! I also loved those crazy fiddlers who looked like they were part Braveheart warrior, part Harley Davidson gang members and part cloggers. k d lang was awesome singing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. I love getting to know the host country and all the athletes. I'm considering myself Canadian American for the next few weeks!
Friday, February 12, 2010
No Phone Consult
Stupid fucking Dr. AA. did not call for our phone consult. CRAPASSTASTIC!!! Why can't anything along this journey be simple? WHY? I called the office at 4:50 when he was only 20 minutes late and got the "office closed" message. Now it's the damn weekend and there's nothing I can do but wait till Monday. I have an email in to him and his craptastic office staff but I doubt it will be answered before Monday. FRUSTRATED does NOT BEGIN to describe my feelings right now.
grrrrrrrrrrrr
That second opinion is looking better and better.
I just got an email back from the clinical manager. She said she was very sorry and would try to find out what happened. The dr. was not feeling well and left early.
Don't they have some policy in place for rescheduling on these occasions? I DO NOT feel less frustrated.
grrrrrrrrrrrr
That second opinion is looking better and better.
I just got an email back from the clinical manager. She said she was very sorry and would try to find out what happened. The dr. was not feeling well and left early.
Don't they have some policy in place for rescheduling on these occasions? I DO NOT feel less frustrated.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
More Waiting For Info
Follow up with Dr. Hottie. He did not email Dr. AA and apologized for that. He was going to email him as soon as I left the office and then forward any info to me. I'm not holding my breath on that one....guess I'll just have to wait it out. He also said the polyp was benign and that my uterine lining looked perfect now that it was gone. I asked him to be real with me about chances of a healthy pregnancy if by some miracle I was able to pull it off. He made me feel hopeful by saying that yes I would have a little greater risk for gestational diabetes etc because of my weight but that otherwise I am healthy, do not smoke, drink, do drugs and I try to take care of myself. Chances are good for me to have a healthy pregnancy and birth. It hearkened back to a similar pep talk he had with me over a year and a half ago when I started this journey.
E. and C. are considering buying a house nearby. Mom and I went to see it with them tonight. The house has a lot of quirks and was clearly owned by an amateur do-it-yourselfer but it has a lot of great features. Stretch was very excited about the pool and her own room downstairs. On the way home Mom told me that C. had shared with her that when she heard about my decrepit eggs her first instinct was to give me one of hers. I guess she looked into it and thought she was too old. She's 35. Such a giving heart. I'll always be grateful for the thought.
A book about pregnancy by egg donation and intake forms for Dr. 2 in the mail today. The journey moves forward and I'm trying to arm myself with info the best way I know how.
I'm kind of sick of writing about infertility and yet it feels good to write about it. Does that make any sense?
E. and C. are considering buying a house nearby. Mom and I went to see it with them tonight. The house has a lot of quirks and was clearly owned by an amateur do-it-yourselfer but it has a lot of great features. Stretch was very excited about the pool and her own room downstairs. On the way home Mom told me that C. had shared with her that when she heard about my decrepit eggs her first instinct was to give me one of hers. I guess she looked into it and thought she was too old. She's 35. Such a giving heart. I'll always be grateful for the thought.
A book about pregnancy by egg donation and intake forms for Dr. 2 in the mail today. The journey moves forward and I'm trying to arm myself with info the best way I know how.
I'm kind of sick of writing about infertility and yet it feels good to write about it. Does that make any sense?
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Lots of Conjecture Goin' On
My mom wanted to know if she should go with me to the follow up appt tomorrow with Dr. Hottie. She talks as though it's a given that I'm going ahead with using donor eggs to get pregnant. Weird and awkward talking to her about it but I'm so glad she's taken an interest. I realize I, myself have way over shot planning the future since I don't know what Dr. AA will recommend. I'm praying that Dr. H. was able to talk to Dr. AA.
I keep thinking that the double donor situation is like engineering your own kid. I think back to physics class or was it chemistry? Studying genetics. This recessive gene and that dominate trait... Something about that doesn't seem quite right. Normally people don't get to chose the parents of their children. I guess they do....I would chose myself if I could. The calling to be a mother is so very strong and persistent in me. God gave me the heart to feel that and the brain to figure it out and he gave someone the ability to help me make it happen, I hope. I can't believe that I was put on Earth not to be a mother. I've never felt so passionate about anything before. I didn't know how passionate until I was told it may not happen.
C. called and wants to have dinner sometime this week. I keep having a mini-fantasy that she wants to offer me her eggs. I think about how I would react and what I would do. She's my sister-in-law after all. I keep wondering if she would be able to freely give the eggs and not look at the child as partially hers or have a say in my parenting. We do not always see eye to eye about what is best for children. Would I be able to voice my opinion about "my" child? Would she want it to see her family who I do not always approve of? Should I plan to get her a Mother's Day gift? C. has a big heart and if she can make something right, she usually tries to do it. Would I be able to accept such a wondrous gift?
Silly conjecture, of course. She probably just wants time away from the family or to try the new pizza place. I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts are conjecture...what if scenarios. What happened to the real world?
Poor DollFace slept for an hour when I picked her up and then woke up crying because her ear hurt. She tried to be brave and help me with a few things but I could tell she was not feeling tip top. Stretch is getting braces tomorrow and she's excited. E. and I do not understand this having both been victims of braces in the 80's. Guess they're "cool" now.
Thank you everyone for the info in the comments. I'm struggling not to feel alone. Knowing you're all out there helps.
I keep thinking that the double donor situation is like engineering your own kid. I think back to physics class or was it chemistry? Studying genetics. This recessive gene and that dominate trait... Something about that doesn't seem quite right. Normally people don't get to chose the parents of their children. I guess they do....I would chose myself if I could. The calling to be a mother is so very strong and persistent in me. God gave me the heart to feel that and the brain to figure it out and he gave someone the ability to help me make it happen, I hope. I can't believe that I was put on Earth not to be a mother. I've never felt so passionate about anything before. I didn't know how passionate until I was told it may not happen.
C. called and wants to have dinner sometime this week. I keep having a mini-fantasy that she wants to offer me her eggs. I think about how I would react and what I would do. She's my sister-in-law after all. I keep wondering if she would be able to freely give the eggs and not look at the child as partially hers or have a say in my parenting. We do not always see eye to eye about what is best for children. Would I be able to voice my opinion about "my" child? Would she want it to see her family who I do not always approve of? Should I plan to get her a Mother's Day gift? C. has a big heart and if she can make something right, she usually tries to do it. Would I be able to accept such a wondrous gift?
Silly conjecture, of course. She probably just wants time away from the family or to try the new pizza place. I'm realizing that a lot of my thoughts are conjecture...what if scenarios. What happened to the real world?
Poor DollFace slept for an hour when I picked her up and then woke up crying because her ear hurt. She tried to be brave and help me with a few things but I could tell she was not feeling tip top. Stretch is getting braces tomorrow and she's excited. E. and I do not understand this having both been victims of braces in the 80's. Guess they're "cool" now.
Thank you everyone for the info in the comments. I'm struggling not to feel alone. Knowing you're all out there helps.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Calmer Day
I'm feeling calmer about the whole, entire baby making enchilada. Not sure what happened overnight, not much sleep, that's for sure, but I'm not obsessing over it as I have the past few days. I cannot do anything about what has happened in the past. Yes, I've allowed time to pass by until it may be too late for children, I've wasted time using an unreliable known donor, I've stupidly trusted a doctor because he was nice to me. I've gained weight, so much that it will probably effect fertility. I cannot do anything about that today. Today, I'm able to think that perhaps things aren't so bad and wait for test results. I can only move forward in the best way I know how.
Dr. All-American sent me articles pertaining to the tests I'll have coming up shortly. I didn't think I'd like the experience of a phone consult but with the email follow up it was ok. I could read and reread the articles, think about them and email any questions instead of having to rack my brain for every question while the dr. is right there staring at me. I have to say when the dr. answered my email within an hour and it was really him, NOT an office person...I think I fell in love a little.
Picked up DollFace after school and she cried and cried for her Momma until she fell asleep in the car. A crying four year old can make one feel so inadequate.
Crazy week at school. First of all, coming back after 2 snow days and a weekend was very tough, tougher than coming back after Christmas vacation. I was exhausted from the time I woke up. Then two days of on site professional development where my schedule was all out of whack. Today I was helping the pregnant sub with assessments and 1/2 day dismissal, meetings in afternoon. Tomorrow I'll be at the university for ISAT training focusing on writing, then parent/teacher conferences allll evening. Thank God, three hours of conferences on Friday and then off in the afternoon. I just realized I haven't seen children all week, makes me miss them and having a regular schedule.
I'm thinking about going completely rogue and tossing out any weight related activities having to do with numbers. Even thinking about it brings on a freeing feeling. No more tracking food or fitness, measuring, weighing, counting and including the big kahuna, the SCALE. I feel lighter just thinking about it. Doing all that stuff is akin to asking an alcoholic to work at a bar. When I'm being really dedicated, it takes up a lot of time and mental energy. And....usually I'm only dedicated until noon or so. Instead I would do what I know to be good for my body. Just make those healthy choices. Sounds so easy, doesn't it? hahahhahaha
Dr. All-American sent me articles pertaining to the tests I'll have coming up shortly. I didn't think I'd like the experience of a phone consult but with the email follow up it was ok. I could read and reread the articles, think about them and email any questions instead of having to rack my brain for every question while the dr. is right there staring at me. I have to say when the dr. answered my email within an hour and it was really him, NOT an office person...I think I fell in love a little.
Picked up DollFace after school and she cried and cried for her Momma until she fell asleep in the car. A crying four year old can make one feel so inadequate.
Crazy week at school. First of all, coming back after 2 snow days and a weekend was very tough, tougher than coming back after Christmas vacation. I was exhausted from the time I woke up. Then two days of on site professional development where my schedule was all out of whack. Today I was helping the pregnant sub with assessments and 1/2 day dismissal, meetings in afternoon. Tomorrow I'll be at the university for ISAT training focusing on writing, then parent/teacher conferences allll evening. Thank God, three hours of conferences on Friday and then off in the afternoon. I just realized I haven't seen children all week, makes me miss them and having a regular schedule.
I'm thinking about going completely rogue and tossing out any weight related activities having to do with numbers. Even thinking about it brings on a freeing feeling. No more tracking food or fitness, measuring, weighing, counting and including the big kahuna, the SCALE. I feel lighter just thinking about it. Doing all that stuff is akin to asking an alcoholic to work at a bar. When I'm being really dedicated, it takes up a lot of time and mental energy. And....usually I'm only dedicated until noon or so. Instead I would do what I know to be good for my body. Just make those healthy choices. Sounds so easy, doesn't it? hahahhahaha
Friday, January 8, 2010
League of OB Handsomeness
2nd Snow Day in a row. Used it to google the new fertility specialist. Hubba hubba! Verrrrrry good looking. He really looks like an All-American Hero. I hope my legs don't spontaneously fly apart when I meet him...I'm thinking I could get preggers just by looking at him. My regular OB who has been helping me up until now is very good looking too. It's like an OB League of Handsomeness. They run around wearing capes and superhero utility belts carrying speculums and vials of sperm thwarting infertility villians and making baby dreams come true.
I also googled my regular OB. And I found the most adorable picture of him holding a newborn at the hospital. It was one of those photo galleries that people can put online to share with their families. I've become obsessed with thoughts of this photo. The baby boy is so cute and the doc looks so handsome. It's weird and psycho I know... This is someone's actual photo from someone's actual life. Can't help but wish it was my baby, and my photo. I'm not really on the edge...I've banned the site so as not to obsess any further.
Too much time alone with my thoughts, I guess.
Still no symptoms.
Friday weigh in: 324
I also googled my regular OB. And I found the most adorable picture of him holding a newborn at the hospital. It was one of those photo galleries that people can put online to share with their families. I've become obsessed with thoughts of this photo. The baby boy is so cute and the doc looks so handsome. It's weird and psycho I know... This is someone's actual photo from someone's actual life. Can't help but wish it was my baby, and my photo. I'm not really on the edge...I've banned the site so as not to obsess any further.
Too much time alone with my thoughts, I guess.
Still no symptoms.
Friday weigh in: 324
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