Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Calmer Day

I'm feeling calmer about the whole, entire baby making enchilada. Not sure what happened overnight, not much sleep, that's for sure, but I'm not obsessing over it as I have the past few days. I cannot do anything about what has happened in the past. Yes, I've allowed time to pass by until it may be too late for children, I've wasted time using an unreliable known donor, I've stupidly trusted a doctor because he was nice to me. I've gained weight, so much that it will probably effect fertility. I cannot do anything about that today. Today, I'm able to think that perhaps things aren't so bad and wait for test results. I can only move forward in the best way I know how.

Dr. All-American sent me articles pertaining to the tests I'll have coming up shortly. I didn't think I'd like the experience of a phone consult but with the email follow up it was ok. I could read and reread the articles, think about them and email any questions instead of having to rack my brain for every question while the dr. is right there staring at me. I have to say when the dr. answered my email within an hour and it was really him, NOT an office person...I think I fell in love a little.

Picked up DollFace after school and she cried and cried for her Momma until she fell asleep in the car. A crying four year old can make one feel so inadequate.

Crazy week at school. First of all, coming back after 2 snow days and a weekend was very tough, tougher than coming back after Christmas vacation. I was exhausted from the time I woke up. Then two days of on site professional development where my schedule was all out of whack. Today I was helping the pregnant sub with assessments and 1/2 day dismissal, meetings in afternoon. Tomorrow I'll be at the university for ISAT training focusing on writing, then parent/teacher conferences allll evening. Thank God, three hours of conferences on Friday and then off in the afternoon. I just realized I haven't seen children all week, makes me miss them and having a regular schedule.

I'm thinking about going completely rogue and tossing out any weight related activities having to do with numbers. Even thinking about it brings on a freeing feeling. No more tracking food or fitness, measuring, weighing, counting and including the big kahuna, the SCALE. I feel lighter just thinking about it. Doing all that stuff is akin to asking an alcoholic to work at a bar. When I'm being really dedicated, it takes up a lot of time and mental energy. And....usually I'm only dedicated until noon or so. Instead I would do what I know to be good for my body. Just make those healthy choices. Sounds so easy, doesn't it? hahahhahaha

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